your deal

i dont think i will ever fit into the qualifications you've ste upon me.sometimes it hurts knowing that you will never be happy with who i am.sometimes the question of whether if this is worth the wait crept in, but it usually is overcome by my belief that our fate is indeed intertwined.

i guess im having a hard time accepting the fact that is shoved into my face.you will never be happy with me.

what??

beats me to know what you're thinking.im not a freaking psychic.

batting cage day

day out with no definite location in mind.wandering aimlessly and finally to the batting cage.

i bruised my finger, had an aching back for days, and i guess i actually had fun hitting the balls :)

one night encounter

Yesterday i couldnt stop looking at his face.afraid that if i turned away he would vanish.i held his hands for as long as i could.his smile, the way his face lights up when he laughs, it was just the same as i remembered.

i dont know if you know this, but you could still make my heart flip, even after 2 years down the road.i love you.

im still at the office

im still at the office, and i have learn something up to this point.i have toiled with the stupid microsoft word for two days straight, and im yearning to go back home.

i have learnt that patience is indeed the biggest weapon, and holding yourself from being angry shows how courageous you are actually.

so you can imagine how many times ive cursed the computer loud enough until the whole office konws that i think the pc is fucked up. haha.this is one of the moments in my life that i will never forget. :)

i think ill miss the office when i leave next month. but then, i wouldnt want to continue working here. oh no.i dont want to turn into a walking zombie.

sudden realization

after spending a night of love-hate relationship with microsoft word and my ultra-slow pc, im glad that im also at the end of the road for this editing thing.i dont think i can look at any editing tasks without puking, seriously.id rather help them bind the whole bloody 30 reports than edit ever again.i mean for now.

ive suffered through severe breakdown because of a stupid editing task, and i realized that i dont really handle stress that well.this sudden realization has somehow stirred a long-fought battle of me and hating myself.

i dont know how im supposed to overcome this.but i have to.because i think its causing my future prospect of becoming successful.

the normal weekend

owhkay....my nite out at cenfad didnt really turn out the way i wanted to. i didnt really had that much fun, and the outcome has left me even more confused and frustrated.

so..there goes my mission to socialise..humph.anyways....the weekend was great.the whole family celebrated adik's birthday.they didnt even know it was their birthday. when i took them out to buy chocolates (the only thing i could afford at the moment), they were brimming with joy, that i almost cried, because i couldnt give them a better gift at the moment.

auntie ana and pak onn came, abang adik and family came, and so did kak aya and anti ani.i was happy that they came to wish my sisters happy birthday.i dont think any other family could be more supportive than this.mama made her famous karipap and a few other kuihs.it was a great night.

on wesak day, kori came over and we hung out at ou..although it was almost close to kutu rayau, the both of us, i was pretty happy that i once had a normal weekend hanging out at the mall doing nothing and munching pretzels.

there goes my weekend.now im currently at the office.boohoo...haha.submission is tomorrow.better go before my boss catches me blogging.ciao.

my rusty social skills

after reading my past entries, ive realized how bad my english is..was..aiyeh.see.i cant even get the proper tense correct.i need help.

anyway..right now im at the office..haha.big surprise..its 1.30 in the morning,and i cant believe that my eyes are still wide awake.today is falique's birthday..happy birthday yo!!i wonder if he managed to get home in time for his family meal..but then he has already swallowed a medium spicy chicken mcdeluxe meal as an "alas perut.

anyhoots....tomorrow im going to cenfad..where there's this graphic cum fashion show is going to be held.its been awhile since ive socialised outside my usual circle.im actually kinda nervous since im pretty sure my social skills have gotten a bit rusty, and falique and man are the only people i know who will be there.and they will come with their OTHER friends.i was actually a bit reluctant but then, since man insisted,i had to say yes, and since i badly need to socialise because my social sims bar is decreasing each day,why not?

so,here's to syaza and her attempt to socialise again.GOOD LUCK.

hate to admit this

im going to miss this firm when ive finished my practical.im not sure if they'll remember me after 5 years from now.but i will.

haih.

aiyah...sue ni kan...

eyh..sue ni kan..now i feel obligated seeing my other mates have done it.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
i did.now. not anymore.
2. Do you eat without brushing your teeth?
yes..hehe...sometimes..(i know im gross)
3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
anywhere but malaysia
4. If you had only 1 wish, what would you wish for?
that my father will be successful one day.i hate seeing him being tired of life.
5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
umm...im not really sure about this.is this supposed to be related to all that scientific shit?
6. Do you like being who you are today?
surprisingly, yes. :)
7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
buy my family a house that my mom have always dream of,a car for my dad,for myself,bawak my family pg holiday,and then go study in uk.
8. If you could change your name, what would it be?
syaza the great
9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
haha..im not sure.tgk keadaan la.
10. Would you swim in a vat of chocolate?
mestilah!!!siap buat backstroke lg.but then melted chocolate wouldve been too thick.maybe later id drown in it.
11. Do you love yourself more than you love others?
No.
12. Which do you prefer from your other half? hug? or a kiss?
aiyoh...i like both.no preferences.im greedy i know,but its not hard to actually do both.why choose?
13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
id rather they tell me in a discreet manner..not upfront kinda thing,that wouldve bruised my ego.
14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
L.o.v.e
15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
owh yes.if only i have the money.
16. What kind of electronic device/gadget you own that you like most?
Handphone
17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
my constant paranoia of the creature from the other-world,me being too self-concious about myself.i need to be confident and proud of who i am.
18. What makes you feel disappointed?
when you're being too hopeful of certain things,that you're too confident it'll come true.im hopelessly hopeful.
19. If given a chance, do you want to see your future?
haha..im not sure if i can handle it.
20. What would you do when your secret is being found out?
muke akan menjadi merah..and stutter..and trying to act all cool...(but that wouldve been futile since im such a bad liar)

Who I tag: sape-sape yang tak buat lagi.

four stinkin' people

our eyes were red,and we were already doused with extreme tiredness. we hadnt bathed since yesterday, and we didnt even brush our teeth.

we decided to go to pyramid.

to the workers at Zen cafe, sorry if we have given you the gift of wonderful odours.and we also apologise if we have almost made you faint just by talking to us, and smelling our 'lovely breath'.

p/s:we'll come by some other day all clean up just to show you that we dont practice this on our own willingness.

that day

that day he came with a smile that melted (is there such word?hahaha) my heart.somehow i have forgotten how long i haven't actually experience this feeling, like a lovesick teenager, bursting with happiness and giddiness.

ive to admit that i will always miss that closeness which i can only taste once a month now. but this has also made me appreciate our relationship more.being more grateful that his love for me is even more visible than before, how he held on to his promise that he'll be back once a month, even if its just to spend a day with me.

thank you b.

the meaningful trip

yesterday night my girlfriends (sue,kuhaz and radhi) came all the way from gombak.although it wasnt even close to 2 hours,but the dinner at the mamak near to my office was worth it :)

i cant remember the last time i laughed like i did last night.and after the meeting, i was left with such a happy and loved feeling that i wished i could do it everyday.it sure put a smile to my already downtrodden mood (i had to stay back again last night).

i recalled how nina,radi and ida came all the way from pj to gombak for my khatam (even my boyfriend at that time which was arif, didnt show up).i recalled how alif came to kelana jaya all the way from usj just to take me out for a drink at syed's which is only a 5 minutes walk from mama's house.and the time when khairun and sab came to my house in bangi when we first moved just for a meal using the public transport (we were only 16, and it was actually beyond words that they 'sanggup' to take the public transport at all in the first place).

these trips made by friends reminds you of how lucky you are.sometimes i dont think i actually deserve this.but i am grateful to be blessed with these memories, which not many people are given the chance to experience it.

you deserve to be happy

i waited for this to be over soon.but it didnt.it kept going on and on like a music played to frequently on the radio that you wished it would stop now,only it didnt,it became more frequent until you feel like throwing up.only in this case,its not throwing up.its how you have to manage not to hang yourself because at this moment of time, life is just too disappointing and too much to bear.

you dont want to hold it.nor do you want the whole world to know.so what you do is to blog like what im doing right now.of course,life shouldn't be blamed for all the disappointments you are currently undergoing, because that would just mean that you're a freaking loser.

this is when you make the decision to be more than life has to offer.so what if you are not rich like the rest of the people around you.that shouldnt make you feel like you're not as high and mighty as they are.because you deserve to be happy as much as the rest of the human beings are.

i watched the pursuit of happyness.i think everyone should watch it.it really moved me.it made me realize that even if im encountering a very huge loophole at the moment,that shouldnt make me feel like im not better than the others.

my home

i've somehow found a spot that i can call my comfort zone.though i dont really think that i actually have one before this.not even at home.i mean..where is home?now home is not referred to the physical structure that you have been assigned to a room that you can decorate or you can invite your friends over.my home i where my family is, my home is where my friends are, my home is where faize is.

i think that has somehow made me stronger.cynical.of course.you cant really run away from that,it is bound to happen.but it has molded me into someone i never thought i could be 7 years ago.

yesterday i dreamt of my old home in subang.i didnt want to wake up.that aching feeling re-surfaced after it was stored away collecting dust.it wasnt the first time i dreamt of that house.it haas somehow unable to entangle itself from my memories.as if it wants me to remember it always.i never knew a house can be such a haunting ....i dont know..i couldnt find the right word at the moment.

im sorry i had to leave you.it wasnt my choice.but just so you know, ive always thought about you.but i think i need to move on now.i cannot stay here, in this confined box in this head of mine that keeps on whispering to me that this is all a dream.a dream does not go on for 7 years,a dream wouldnt have been able to hurt you.this is the reality.and now you are the dream that ive been living in all these years.good bye 53,ss19/5B.i will always love you.

the results are out!!!!

my results are quite okay...despite the fact that i failed research method... :( anyways..thank god i still managed to maintain my 3 point cg..fuuhhhh~ thank god for tourism and english.

yesterday i went home early.the first time since i started this practical training..at 6.30..woohoo!!!a record!!(boleh la balik awal since big boss takde.haha)balik awal pun tak gune, because after realizing that an inconvient truth is only premiering the next night and not the fated day in which i came home early..i swithced on my laptop and continue doing the master plan pokli (this urban designer in my office.he's really cool) gave to me earlier. *im such a geek.no.a skema.no.a dork.

i feel like having choco top.but no one wants to go to mcd with me. :( *padahal ofis dekat giler dgn mcd.jalan sendiri la woih!

random rants

yesterday i went to klcc with radhi.a breath of social relationship has somehow lighten up my dampen mood. thank you radhi :) even if we didnt really do anything..haha...

today the exam results will be out..and i am almost on the verge of freaking out.note the almost.

i dont know if you're allowed to be confused in what you want to do after you graduate...because you're supposed to know by this time around.unfortunately,im still confused.practical training has changed my perceptions on the wonders of being in the working scene.

i miss my boyfriend.i miss home.and i miss my friends.

working again...

i think im starting to get used to this...working i mean..

the working scenario

working for almost 2 weeks got me to thinking the real deal when you're actually working.do you get excited waking up everyday ready to embrace the new tasks and workloads awaiting you at the office?are you willing to commit yourself to the life of not having any time for your social needs and you have come down to the reality that your office mates are all you have?

do you go back home everyday to realize that you havent sat down and have a proper meal with your family the whole week you're working?by the time you managed to make it to the house, the other members are already tucked in their bed?

where is that spirit to look forward to a new and exciting day ahead?where is that zest when the commercial area where you're office is situated is the only area you managed to get around before going back to the office after lunch.

i never knew office life could be so...mundane.almost unbearable u to a certain extent.

work so far...

now i hardly come home on time.last week maybe i was actually given the chance to leave the office early, but this week..oh my god..the others look as if they were going to spit in my face if i do clock my time out at 6.tapi diorang balik takpe..aiyoh..dont understand la this ofis..

finally i have my own pc..its quite nice to have my own space.i hate being in the way of others..aiyeh...cant wait for this to be over.