work it baby

workloads are like a blackhole..sort of..it sucks out all the joy in the world.oh.my.god.

thank god the grad dinner is OVER...i could at least rest in peace for a while..for a while....hehe...anyway...now...ive got my head cramped with workloads that is making me wish i have a time machine so that i can travel to the future during my semester break and have endless time of sleep..

my laptop is being a bitch again,forcing me to come all the way to kaed to do my autocad.shit.anyway...enough of my rantings..the conclusion is...uni life is not as cool as i thought it is.. ~BLEKH!!!~ :P

kemaman

yeah yeah!!

kemaman was a blast...we were all quite relieved to be able to have a time out from bursting our heads over the s***hole layout drawings and bla bla..

goodbye uia..kemaman HEL-LO.it was kinda nice to see everybody in a relaxed mood for a change..no frowns..no frsutrated cries..nada..haha..everybody was just happy playing by the beach and having a blast shopping at cukai...can you believe that there`s a place named cukai?(tax, in english)..apparently the name derived from something..something tax lah..haha..tak tau la..anyway!take a look at the piX!

why i did it

when i said i wanted you out of my life.i hated myself for being so harsh.i didnt mean to push you out just like that after what we 'had'.shit..im so sorry.

the reason?im just tired of keeping it a secret..like a criminal or something.you cant even make me feel better of those countless times i felt like a bitch, a slut.you tried.but you never tried harder.i hate you.and i hated myself.

why i did it?you really want to know?because..you see..there are two choices here..wether i continue hating you and myself..or just stop hating me..by stopping altogether.i decided to choose me.i dont want to beat myself up anymore over something i could`ve stopped a long time ago.i didnt even cry..yeah.i should feel proud of myself..

i do it for us.i do it for everybody.i do it for me.you`ll hate me if i dont do it sooner or later.everybody will hate me if i dont do it sooner or later,or should i say when the skeleton is out of the closet?and i?i will hate myself more than i ever did if i dont do it sooner or later.

sorry is probably not the right word to use here.i don`t owe you an apology.i know i dont.you?well..somethings maybe..but..not really..f*** it.

the irony

irony...is it equivalent to being funny?in a wierd way?

how bout this?i`ll tell this story..gossip..whatever...then you tell me if if it`s funny...i know it`s ironic..but..is it funny?in a weird way?

last sunday i went grocery shopping with my parents.life in varsity is a torture unless you have extravagant supply of food in the room (!).so anyway, there i was in the shoe store, browsing through cool looking sneakers with my mum, when suddenly this small lady came up to us and practically made us jump..in shock..

well..well..guess who it was?none other than izat`s mum!YAY!wow..what a surprise eh?to meet your ex`s mum at the hypermarket?as she is my mum`s old friend, she was chatting amiably with my mother, while i managed an embarassed smile to izat`s dad, who looks just the same as he was before.converse sneakers and a cool swatch.sorry bout the hair though.

and then she turned to me and said,"have you kept in touch with izat?". if a recent messages exchanges that happened a week a go counted as keeping in touch...i nodded and said yeah.AS IF!anyway, she was going on and on about me should be keeping in touch with izat and yada yada yad...i should kacau him over the weekends..or me going home with him since he has a CAR now..bla bla bla..and i was thinking,like i would want this deplorable, horrible creature in my life ever again..

the next thing i know..i smiled to aunt fadzilla and said,"insya allah..".

p/s:im not that stupid..dont worry.owh..btw, the other day my mum went to Iqbal`s brother`s wedding..haha!that`s the IRONY!!you see..my mum`s encounter with the important people in my exes` lives..GOD!owh, and Iqbal was afraid to talk to my mum..chicken

please

yesterday nite rose called me up for a drink.the two of us head to the usual mapley and got into this conversation on why there was only the two of us there.its weird how during schooltime you're surrounded by this big group of friends.

now..you`re in uni, and its weird with the little number of friends you`re left with.there was even this period of time where my hang-out group in bangi consists of people from other schools and none from my school.

i dont know why the lack of communication..or the lack of effort.the only time i see my classmates is when ika has her annual open house, she`ll never fail to invite me.the rest?i only see them..when i see them..the other day intan called me up inviting me to hang with them (a group of classmates) at alamanda.but i was already on the way to kelana jaya.maybe its my fault too.maybe im the one not making any effort.i dont know why.

maybe its the ego..me trying to better myself and potray this image of a cooler version of syaza..all cleaned up with new specs and "cool" style.last raye, at ika`s open house, they gushed over how much ive changed, how different i look.."wow, you`re very pretty now!i like your new specs!i loove your tudung!".."oh my god..izat and naim wouldve kicked themselves now if they see how much youve changed"..right..maybe that was what i wanted to hear.im not the same syaza anymore.

maybe my memories in school(bangi) wasnt all sugar and spice.i mean...most of it wasnt.maybe that was why i was so reluctant to keep in touch with them..yep.im full of maybes because i dont even know if what im writing down is true..all of it is hypothetical.but, tally ho and all, im glad i still have a small group of friends i can hold on too.anne is coming back in june, nini and rose?god i see them almost every weekend night.intan?havent had the chance to meet up after the tahlil..but i will see what i can do..kame?she`s beyond reach already..i havent seen her since last june.

as a conclusion?maybe im choosy of the my choice of friends.maybe im the one who determines which friends i want to keep in touch with.yep..maybe.but i know im never wrong with my choices..so..there goes..

woooooo

okay..there was a reason why i was skipping down the corridor.was it because of mr af***?maybe..hahaha...ye lah..ye lah..god.im so transparent.im just happy.because he asked me to have lunch with him...was it because none of his friends were around??hmm...aiyah..i should stop being so pessimistic.

im going back today..baru dua hari je kelas,dah nak balik.haha..but who cares.im going back anyway.and when im home.i have work and assignments to finish..ahh..life is blissful.

yesterday i hung out and nina's room till 3.30.the three of us (me,nina and radhi)were just sitting around, gossiping,talking nonsense..and singing songs with words that rhymes with mr af***'s name.pelik tapi benar.

made me realized how lucky i am to have friends.how lucky i am to have the chance to hang out, laugh and joke around with people who i know enjoy my company as well.thank you god.

the classes started yesterday,sucked.but felt great too.because at least my brain was functioning towards the right path.and it was cool because i had my shot of mocha freeze.(did you know im addicted to coffee now?every tuesday and thursday?)

im speaking yiddish (thats just the term everyone is using, i dont know how to speak yiddish..but i`d love to learn how)..i should stop rambling now..and talk about much ,ore intelligent things..ooh!!i know..now im adding danish products to my boycott list..y?because of the insulting image they made of our Prophet..you`ll go to hell you...you..danish cookie maker!God will make you!!!just you wait!!

maybe they all think its a joke.i think what sj said is right..malaysians are being complacent about it. wake up my fellow brothers and sisters!!!they`re insulting us!!anyway..i dont know how to influence the ones around me to stop eating mcd as well..maybe mcd is too drastic..i should try burger king...

my holidays

true to my 'predictions', my last days of the holidays are the ones worth remembering. the first four days?burn it baby.i spent the days in bed with a temperature that could fry an egg and coughs that annoy your eardrums.

yesterday aida sent me home.my short period in subang, was great.as usual.recuperate what was lost between old friends.and best friend.keron asked if there were some other people watching us from afar, would they be jealous of our friendship?i said they would.its not easy to have a relationship where you can pick up things where you`ve left off and be fine with it.thats how i am with keron.doesnt matter if we didnt see each other for a month, i know that when i get there, i`ll still be able to gush out the juiciest details of my life with her.

and you mr. af***.i dont know what the hell you`re playing with here.sekejap msg.kjp tak.tak paham lah.you like me or not?(okay,maybe that was a bit too direct lah), but hey..im at wit's end because of you..nevermind.i`ll pretend nothing ever happens between us.aiya..i pening kepale la...whatever...

mat dan...thanks for being my friend.i dont have many guy friends that im close too.not anymore.thanks for being you.ahaha.i know i can count on you.

okes i`ll stop now.because i dont know what else to write..owh..btw.today is mama's bday...happpy bbbdddaaaayyyyy mama!!!!

just my luck

last wednesday i went to the botanical garden in putrajaya, trying to get a head start for my assignment with my group.it was great.we rented bikes,halfway through we`ve already completed the requirements..(5 species of palms and all those bullshit).

riding back,it was sloping downhill.everybody was screaming in joy, exuberent because of the speed and wind.jeez..we felt free.the next thing i know, my bike skidded.i tumbled head on.and my face was dragged across the pavement.

lets see...the result?my hijab was torn, my spex..beyond repair(it was spanking NEW!!), my right side of the face was badly 'calar', my nose swollen, my right side of the body covered in bruises..and the worst thing is..i chipped off my TOOTH!!!AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

oh god...

oh god...tell me this whole week is actually a really bad nightmare that i dont want to be in again..jeez!!!

i think im not going to be a good wife.id probably be a workaholic..so, in order to complement my life, i`ll need to find a workaholic husband as well..and my kids??well..um...lets not think about that now shall we?

im working my ass off here..and i think this is what people say, you work till you`re at the brink of madness.im probably going to drop out and die.that way..i dont have to work anymore!!haha

anyway,thanks a****.for coming to my studioo..thanks for the teh ais.if you read this..let me know..so i can kill myself due to extreme embarassment.haha.

okay..now is not the time for me to mess up my head with all this guy stuf!stoopid....syaza..get a life!!!!!!!!!!!i have work *yippe ya yay*,and i have more work this coming week...another yippe ya yay.so...boys?im sorry.you`re all losers.

wow

okay...

im smitten..totally...over a guy who has somehow ticked off all things in my dream-guy checklist.

who?how?when?why?where?

1)his name is A****.(i aint telling you).
2)when i realized how cute he was when talks while driving.and talking non-stop.have you ever met a guy who happens to be a chatterbox?you`ll love him.
3)during intan`s dad`s tahlil.(i know..not the perfect time to scrooge for guys..bt,i happens tibe2!!)
4)im sick of sticky,messy,scandalous situations.and he just appeared at the perfect time.and im jz glad he`s without any controversies.
5)at intan`s dad`s tahlil.

you`ll never read this.bt i adore you.everything about you.though i dnt know everythng.bt im pretty sure i will after i found out about it.

i will try not to keep my hopes up too high.you looked perfect that night i drove over to your house.i love your smile.and i like your `jokes`.your..engine jokes.haha.

god..i have to stop.before i make a fool out of myself. :P

ANOTHER BAD NEWS

speaking of bad news...i am about to drop another of those `bad-news` bombs.

stad is being a total asshole.to atomic jaya,that is.WHY?WHY?WHY?why cant you just give us the damn approval and get it over with?what is wrong with you people?

what is your sole purpose of refraining us getting a sponsorship using the approval letter that YOU granted to us?what sort of idiotic **************(censored) bunch of people are you??????

bottomline..you aint getting me down.we`ll make it through!u wait and see you STAD PEOPLE!!i`ll be the most amazing dr.mira anyone has ever seen!!kak sue, shap, we`ll do this in your honour.

you be strong k?

a bad news that was delievered with a nonchalant nature didnt seem like bad news at all. but it was really..a bad news.

you were there when izat fucked up my life.i`ll never forget that.i remembered everytime you tried to shove a piece of veggie into my mouth, and called me zazi instead of zazu.

you`re a great person.dont forget that.sometimes, bad things happened to great people.thats just the way the world work i guess.its harsh.i know.i hate the fact that you are the one who had to go through all this.im so sorry.thats all i can say.

you looked tired.that night.i wished i could be there all the time.im glad i came.but i hated seeing you like that.whatever it is.i admire you.being strong and all.that was one of your qualities that i remember so vividly now.here`s a tribute to one of the greatest friends i`ve ever had.i love you.

yesterday

yesterday i recieved a call from manja, telling me to get to the terminal putra that very moment because all of us will be having a family dinner at klcc.

the rain was pouring like waterfalls from the sky..and my friends were hungry.nina, bless her.she sent me to the station,despite the heavy rain and traffic jam,she even gave me few minutes to change my clothes..since i was practically drenched in rainwater form top to toe.

it felt good.to be seeing my family.cousins.aunts.uncles.all of them.i miss mama.but,to have a two hour meal with your family at Dome(please dont go there,the food sux),i had to sacrifice two hours of my group discussion with my groupmates.

i rushed back home, leaving the dinner time at the peak of it, thinking i had somehow neglected my work, to find my group has done half of the powerpoint, and they were about to leave.when you had one of those moments that you feel like a total shithole.that was my moment.

and then it struck me.i had to give up one of em.family?or work?and when you think about it.no matter how hard you try to make the best of your work, they will still find a way to say "the whole thing is RUBBISH".so, why do you even bother?the whole thing is FUCKED UP.kaed is fucked up.i am fucked up.i hate this.all of this.

what is the meaning of this

have you ever had one of those moments when you suddenly had a what-is-the-meaning-of-this moment?when suddenly you stopped for 1 minute to think, away from your tedious,hectic schedules, and you start to wonder why you are where you are?get me?

suddenly i begin to think about the very reason why im actually where i am rite now.i had all the other choices in the world..but right now, i am where i am..why?

that is probably a question that i`ll leave it for you guys to answer it yourselves.

ROCK THE WORLD

I HAVE ONE MISSION...

TO ROCK THE WORLD..ROCK...is what i live for.

held at stadium merdeka, it was one of the best ive been so far..compared to last year..this year..i went into a mosh pit (!)...satu statement yg menyedihkan drpd seorang budak bernama syaza.

i guess i never thought i`d be in one..but it was blissful..and i met the 'love of my life' in it.green tee, and longish hair.i adore you..haha(im so pathetic)

it was cut short due to some unavoidable circumstances.i curse the ones who caused it.but anyway..bottomline?

i am made to ROCK THE WORLD!!

what i have to go through

i don`t know why i had to go through this 'ordeal', instead of someone else.why...me...of all the people..have to experience sleepless nights basking in tears because of something that is just messed up.its my fault.your fault.everbody`s fault.yeah..yeah..

i knew i did the right thing..yeah.. i did.so..why..am i hurting inside.i hate you.i hate what you did to me.i hate myself.i hate everything that has to do with this.i hate..i hate..i hate.thats all i can say now.

but i want you to know,i never faked anything.what you saw was the real me.my emotions..my feelings..my expressions..that was all me.although i doubt that you`ll read this.but..tally-ho and all..i`ll say it..i`ll miss you.

whoa

...uitm won the debate.they deserved it..i think.their debaters are good.not that iiu`s are not.but still..anyway..after the debate the iiu supporters stood and yelled 'ALLAHUAKBAR'.i almost stood up with them..haha..talk about loyalty.keron didnt waste any time to introduce me to half of the iiu students.they were like,"why are you sitting with the uitm people?".haha.

anyway,syaza the traitor followed the uitm-ers to celebrate and paint the town red.not like we succeeded,to paint the town red..by the time we reached the mines to catch the late-nite show, the cinema was already closed.hmm..went to hartamas.the place was packed like shit.imagine us,being in a big group suddenly crashed into the hartamas square.we took 15 minutes to settle down.after that they took me to lil` genting.melayan blues untuk seketika.

on the way back..i realized it was 5.30 AM.SHIT!!!!at 6 got a 'pleasant' call from my dad that somehow realized his daughter was still not home when he went to wake me up for subuh prayers.mati.

bla..bla..bla..the ending?got a major pembasuhan period.but its all good now.and..i am starting to like being a traitor.hehe.

uitm or iiu?

i went to watch my bestfriend debate at the royales.or is it spelled royals?anyway,you were suddenly surrounded by all this people who devote their life to debate.and they are actually cool.gone were the days where debates are only resrved to nerds and whizkids.here comes the wave of cool-intelligent fusion.

my bestfrend wasted no time in 'PROMOTING' me to the iiu debaters.not all though.some of them looked familiar.then i realized that they were the ones that adjudicated for us during kaed fest.wicked.they were all weirded out because i was sitting with the uitm group.Hmmm....

watching all this debates make me think twice about going in.its scary as hell.

tonight there will be the final debate between iiu and uitm..shit..where should i sit?with my newfound friends in uitm?or do i have to pledge my loyalty to my university..which i know NO ONE in the team..wahh.....so dramatic....i`ll probaby support both teams..which means that i`ll probably bang the table yelling `here here` throughout the debate.nuts la.

what happened

we were driving on the highway.with no absolute direction to where we were heading.suddenly the road that was trinkled with light turned dark.it was scary.period.the road stretched out for god-knows-how-long.the tank was almost full.thank god.

we reached a bridge.owh.it was a beautiful bridge.engineering genius i should say.we stopped to view the breathtaking scene.it was like one of those scenes from the malay drama, where you parked the car beside the road and talk/chat/whatever.it was corny, i know,but what the hell.you`ve got curfew extensions, the sparkling juice at the back seat.the world was yours.

somehow it went wrong.its not my right to say it.i know. but i was there.that should count too right?i was scared.we were all scared.i was scared and i felt helpless.the feeling of just sitting at the sidelines and watch a gruesome 'battle'...man..that was hard.

we drove quickly.back home.we stopped at 7-e, bought cans of coke and bags of chips.i bought ribena.we stopped at a playground at sat there.talking.trying to lighten up the mood.cracking jokes.but it never overshadows what happened.im sorry it happened.thats all.

rollerblading

i went rollerblading with keron today..weird huh?i mean..who rollerblades anymore?we did..haha..

huffed and puffed up the treacherous hills and rolling down with maximum speed..with me fearing id fall flat on my face if i trip over a pebble or sumthing..

while i was pretty sure i was burning calories, a satria pulled over and a guy said hi. at first glance he looked okay..but the second time he came..the third..man...i wished i could just blade straight down to the drain if i have to get rid of this annoying freaky guys..keron was already spooked out by the freaky bunch.

nevertheless...aside from the kekacauan...the feeling of being able to reach out to some of your growing up moments was incredible.it seemed like it was only yesterday adli puts on his old blades held together by strings of tali rafia..god knows he is bloody rich..but i dont even know why he insisted wearing the dilapitated object.keron and i made a pact to go professional blading after we finished pmr.we never did.if we did..i wouldnt be shaking and throbbing during the tortured periods of blading this evening.

well..adli is in russia now.and kerons blades are now full of rat`s poo.im still shaky when blading and the ramp adli and baz built are long gone.

but the memories of me carrying my blades to meatpackers(where we used to blade), the guys trying to jump over the rubbish bin, and keron and i blading every evening will always be fresh in my head.