the room and my thoughts

There were many moments when I chose to shut myself from embracing reality and dream about the wildest imaginations full of hopeful wishes. The room, be it at my house, or the college, would become my sanctuary from everything. It is the only space where I feel at ease, where I felt welcomed. Without the judgmental stare, the need to smile even when you don’t feel like it. The room accepted me when I was unhappy, when I needed to cry.
There were moments of imagining being somewhere else, but the room will always follow me. I will always have that space to be who I really am. The weak syaza, the sloppy syaza, the dorky syaza, and whatever other me’s I can be. The room never judges. It is a bit sad to confine in a form of man-made structure rather than having a real being to be my sanctuary. I don’t think im like nina. I have difficulties in showing my true emotions. I don’t even know my emotions.

I wonder if my parents know who I really am. I wonder if faize knows who I really am. I wonder if my friends know who I am.

I've waited for my moment to grow out of this, grow out of the “shut -my- self- out-from-the-whole-world-and-daydream” phase. i need to embrace reality. I need to realize that the people around me are hurt by my doings.

The room will never understand what I am going through right now. It just sits there and listen. It does not comprehend why im crying because I feel useless.

People are hurt when I feel that way. I don’t even know why. I didn’t say that they’re useless. Im depressed because I FEEL USELESS. Not them. This is too weird to swallow in right now. I need to rest.