im not going to kid myself anymore

who am i trying to kid? God? putting up pictures of forced smile with a backdrop of a gorgeous waterfront does not mean im a happy girl.

Im not happy. i miss my family, my other half and my friends terribly. at the same time, there are these dark, negative thoughts shrouding my already weak mind like a person given anaesthatic, telling me to go home. sometimes i cursed myself for being too weak. stupid. stupid. stupid.

missing dinners, dates, and get-togethers have somehow become a norm. this is not how i pictured this phase of my life to be. but then again, life always take you by surprise. and a hell-lot of a surprise it was.

the only silver lining i could think of was, the limited time spent became unforgettable moments. breathing in the familiarity, watching your family while they watch the tv, unable to wipe off the grin on your face as you come face to face with your love is....well..it makes you appreciate the good things in your life more.

i think ive been in this stagnated position far too long. drowning in my own misery and wallowing in self-pity is not going to get me anywhere. it's time i take the wheels and push back all these emotions aside, for awhile as i fight for what i've always dreamed about. im not in high school or university anymore. this is REAL.