work bebeh

right now im at the ofice stealing some time to blog because ive just finished a heritage building plan using adobe illustrator.wuiyoh...syaza learned a new software.its not so bad.haha.

the office where im currently undergoing my practical training is not so bad.the people are friendly and i am actually enjoying myself.haha

the life right now is not so bad.maybe ill hate it later on.but right now i feel great because now i know what it feels like to be in a working life. :)

my boyfriend-the arsenal freak

My boyfriend is an Arsenal freak. He thinks it’s the greatest football club in the whole world, and the entire human population should actually acknowledge this fact. He even went the extra length of not talking to me for 5 minutes (which, mind you, is quite difficult for him) when I made fun of Arsene Wenger, as Arsene ‘Wanker’. (Pun intended). few nights back, arsenal lost to Chelsea by 1 goal. Owh, how devastated my boyfriend was. And when I told him it could be because of the jinx I cast upon the team because he ended our nightly conversation just to catch the game, he quickly put down the phone and refused to answer it again! Well, that took quite some skills to actually “pujuk” him. :) Despite his emotional outbursts over his football club, he is quite a levelheaded person when it’s not concerning football. Owh boys. What would we do without you?

you came

You came, at the time when I really needed you. You came and made me feel special all over again. You made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I know I should thank sue and kuhaz for ‘anyone else but you’, but this song is for you. We’ve been through a lot, I had the choice to end it, especially when you went away, but as nina told me, I chose to stay and suffer with you. I know I don’t love every moment of it, but these are one of those exceptional moments that made the wait worthwhile. :)

p/s: I love you

the room and my thoughts

There were many moments when I chose to shut myself from embracing reality and dream about the wildest imaginations full of hopeful wishes. The room, be it at my house, or the college, would become my sanctuary from everything. It is the only space where I feel at ease, where I felt welcomed. Without the judgmental stare, the need to smile even when you don’t feel like it. The room accepted me when I was unhappy, when I needed to cry.
There were moments of imagining being somewhere else, but the room will always follow me. I will always have that space to be who I really am. The weak syaza, the sloppy syaza, the dorky syaza, and whatever other me’s I can be. The room never judges. It is a bit sad to confine in a form of man-made structure rather than having a real being to be my sanctuary. I don’t think im like nina. I have difficulties in showing my true emotions. I don’t even know my emotions.

I wonder if my parents know who I really am. I wonder if faize knows who I really am. I wonder if my friends know who I am.

I've waited for my moment to grow out of this, grow out of the “shut -my- self- out-from-the-whole-world-and-daydream” phase. i need to embrace reality. I need to realize that the people around me are hurt by my doings.

The room will never understand what I am going through right now. It just sits there and listen. It does not comprehend why im crying because I feel useless.

People are hurt when I feel that way. I don’t even know why. I didn’t say that they’re useless. Im depressed because I FEEL USELESS. Not them. This is too weird to swallow in right now. I need to rest.

letting go of this

Letting go of the past is difficult. Letting go of what was a part of you is difficult. It’s similar to voluntarily cutting your own limb. but the past is what shapes us to be what we are now. being a human without a past is actually a sad thing. But to reminisce on my pasts would only make me even sadder, sad about things that are close to the heart. I’m egoistic. I do not like the idea of remembering when that person does not feel the need to remember me as well. And that has always been my drive to move on with life, as long as it takes me. You are my past. And I will let you go. Eventually.

fuhhh

after 4 hours trying to decipher the overall depth of the Cost-Benefit Analysis...finally....ive finished it!!!thanks to the stupid IRR.which was no easy feat.

hopefully what i did is betul-la...hopefully the things i read in the net for reference are not hocus-pocus or something.

anyways...today will be the last day of hard work...academically.now the dinner....aiyoyoh..but at least now im rest assured that my grades wont be a big fat egg..at least there'd be something...hehe

this friday

i am currently at KAED...HAHA.can u believe it?im in kaed at 1.30 am!

well...im in the postgraduate lab right now.we had to stay up to finish our tourism report.which has to be submitted on wednesday.aiyeh...keje keje keje.

anyway..another big news is that the agd is still on this friday.we're going to be one hell of a team if we manage to pull it off this friday.with only 3 days to do the job...well...i think even donald trump would want to hire us if we manage to pull it off on by the 21st.and adding to the stress..this week is portfolio's week.shit...

good luck to us.and may god bless us all.

the end is near...

last night i had dinner with sue.might be the last dinner ill have with her at nz.we were talking about what will happen once all of us go our different ways.

i was actually scared that we could come to the point where we dont really care what happens in each other's life, such as i dont really care if ur going to get married, and to whom.

that got me thinking about the fact that as much as i hate uia,im really going to miss it when ive finished.the oppressive atmosphere,the hustle and bustle of students late to cleass (me included). my room, which is my temporary sanctuary.haih.

life passes on pretty fast right now.im not sure if everyone else notice it.but im actually scared that i wont be able to savour my memories before its gone.

time to grow up yoh

kak bad.congratulations!dah kawin dah die.haha.

i think it's time for me to grow up.i need to face the reality instead of being ensonced in my own comfort world that i created and face my demons.

sometimes i feel like slapping myself for being such a spoilt wuss.i feel sorry for my parents for having a deranged,spoilt bitch as their eldest.

syaza,life is not a bed of roses anymore.dont wait around waiting for your desires to fal on your lap.work for it la!i bet god doesnt want to grant my wishes because he knows ill be even more spoilt than before.i think ive finally gotten my wake up call.shit....scary...

buang mase

ni i amik from radhi..

Introduction
First Name - Nur Syaza bt. Mohd Zubir
Nickname -zazu, chaja (only my aunt calls me that)
Name you wish you had - ive never had a problem with my name :)
What do people normally mistake your name as -im always annoyed when people spell my name as Shaza.
Birthday - 29 september 1986
Birthplace - hospital pantai, kuala lumpur
Time of Birth - ntahla
Single or taken - taken
Zodiac sign - libra

Your Appearance
How tall are you - 5′ i think..
Wish you were taller - owh yeah.definitely
Eye color - brown
Eye color you want - green
Natural Hair color - jet black
Current Hair color - jet black
Short or long hair - long.my hair looks horrible when its cut short
Curly, Straight, Wavy - wavy.aih..
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair - last year.when the chinese lady potong my hair making me look like some damn harajuku melayu
Do you wear make-up - yes
Ever had hair extensions - aiyah..where to put??on top of my tudung isit?
Paint your nails - no.

In the opposite gender
What color eyes - dark brown
What color hair - black
Shy or Outgoing - outgoing.yes.definitely.
Looks or personality - both.haha.(cant help being a bit shallow can you?)
Sexy or Cute - ahaha..macam pelik je nak jawab...
Serious or Fun - both.i need a rock and the sunshine.
Older or Younger than you -older
A turn on - wah...private and confidential ;)
A turn off - lack of general knowledge, close-minded, stupid, shallow (a whole lot shallower than i am, i mean), and many many more.

This or that
Flowers or Chocolate - both! but chocolates are a MUST!
Pepsi or Coke - dont really drink them as much as radhi does.but coke i guess.
Relationship or One night stand - realtionship.duh.
School or Work - i hate both.can i just be a slacker and travel the world?
Love or Money - both!
Movies or Music - aih..this is a tough one...
Country or City - both!
Sunny or Rainy days - both!
Friends or Family - both
*sume both, baik takyah letak je this section*

Have you ever
Wish you were a prince/princess - no.ive always wanted to be a superhero with superpowers.i wanted to be a ninja
Liked someone who was taken - hm...no.i dont think so.
Shaved your head - wahaha...i wish!
Been in love - yep.
Used chopsticks - yes. but tu pun nak makan lala, atas tunjuk ajar ayam
Sang in the mirror to yourself - hell yeah.im really good with that. (siap buat macam style video clip)

Favorites
Flower - roses.any colour would do :)
Candy - marshmallow!
Song - stay away-the honorary title
Color - blue
Movie - banyak sgt.bowfinger is one of 'em
Singer - ni pun banyak
Word - babi.shit.aiyoh
Junk food - chocolates....
Website - um..google...*poyo habis
Lotion - mane2 pun.currently using st.ives intensive healing
Animal - cats.though i wished i could bela a tupai or a koala bear
Ever cried over someone - yes
Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself - yes.
Do you think you’re attractive - haha..thats a trick question rite?
If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose - none?owh!maybe hansel and gretel.they get to eat the candy house :)
Do you play any sports - i swim.once a month.does that count?

III The rules:- Link to your tagger and post these rules.List (8) random facts about yourself and tag (8) people.

1)i talk to myself
2)i like the smell of petrol
3)i daydream a lot to the extent that sometimes i almost believe in it
4)i like watching nat.geo,history,and discovery channel, much to the chagrin of my other family members yang nak tgk ria,sports and etc.
5)i play make believe and barbie dolls until i was fourteen
6)i like eating nestum on its own, i.e. without milk
7)i hate orang2 yang pentingkan darjat and kekayaan.im not an ass kisser
8)im a penakut.but im actually brave in certain things. *like radhi told me once, im always game for anything

the weekend

with the work assigned to me safely in areque`s laptop, i was off to meet you.god..its been 3 weeks now eh?almost a month..

we watched the movies.we ate at old town.we walked around window shopping (or i did..hahaha).and we took the train.

it felt like the old times.i wish this will never grow old with you.i hope we can always do this everytime you come back home.hoepfully ill be able to offer much more memorable moments the next time you come back.lala perhaps?i hope that indian dude hasnt forgotten us.

p/s:riding the bus,snuggling to you and eventually falling asleep while those two nepalese guys yakking like the whole bus understood nepalese was worth the 3 weeks wait. :)

summary of everything

well...i passed my jpj test!!yippee!!!hahaha

anyways..this week is really a shitty one.just had my quiz.and i think im not really nailing it.aiyah..but the weekend before was worth it :) even if i had to face a load of shitty work..but yeah... :)

thank you for coming.its been awhile since i feel this way.i miss the closeness.love you.

is uia what it is supposed to be?

the very idea of creating uia in the first place was to create a platform for the muslim to thrive in the latest knowledge and technology. the idea of educating students in an islamic environment is indeed an ideal and perfect condition of producing students of high quality as well as high ethics and values.

sadly,this is not the real scenario pertaining uia.though the rules and regulations are made to exemplify the close to perfect being, the results rae not quite what they are expecting. people, are full of flaws. people, make mistakes.

the lecturers are supposed to be the model muslim teacher are exhibiting the mentality and personality of a 'kampung' person. the students?big,labuh tudung,wearing the 'kopiah'?are they islamic enough?is cutting queues and driving like a madman islamic for you?is backbiting and discriminating others islamic for you?the staffs?well,lets not get to that shall we?

the current uia now has deviate from the main and sole purpose why it was built.why is this happening?why are the students deprived from its right to have a healthy and productive learning envrionment instead of being shoved outdated lectures and close-minded perceptions of the lecturers.sudents need to be given the space to find themselves, and be able to express their ideas without being condemned and persecuted.i think, uia has failed from its original course.

superstar

if i want to be a superstar..i have to have straight teeth, zero tummy, zero cellulite, and the perfect attitude.

i think id rather be me. at least i still have people who'd stick by me :D haha

haiyoh haiyoh haiyoh

im not sure if the other uni kids are going through what we are now, but the workload is gila man...

at least ive completed my research proposal, found an advisor for my project paper, secured a place for practical training, and about to go for my jpj test.

JPJ TEST??WTF...im scared shitless la..i hate the bukit.bukit sux.

i cant wait for you to come back home :)

not so unhappy anymore

wow.sue.u made my day. :) thank you for the blogpost.

i admit that i succumbed to work pressure.campuslife, as we all know it, is a one BIG crappy thing that we will cherish forever. but right now,im not really going into that cherish art just yet.maybe in 10 years time.

nina came by and hug.nina's really good with hugging.somehow when she did that,your problems feel like a puny chore you can handle,when the fact that its like a life-threatening thing.

i am amazed by how little things can lift you up.i should be out there more often.instead of moping around like a zombie.

today.i will finish my research proposal with flair.tomorrow,you will see me as your UN/national geographic girl ;) im starting to believe that it is possible.i do have the right to be something big,even if i wasnt much of an achiever like "you". i have all the love and suport i need to push forward.do you?owh..i "bet" you do. *smirks* (note: this is an issue i had waaaayyy back.in case anybody thinks this is about them.there's a possibility its not)

unhappiness

i cant stop blogging about about my unhappiness because yeah, im unhappy.sorry guys.but hey,how am i supposed to channel my unhappiness?

these sickening moments really do come often nowadays.im not really sure what instigated it, but it happens frequently.currently i feel like killing the lecturer that is putting me through hell for making me feel like a fucking idiot and forcing me to complete the assignment that i dont have any idea how to do it.i am fucking lost.and my grades are going to be as low as ever.sometimes being friends with top students really do have its downside.(im not saying i dont like being friends with you guys,but right now im just hating myself for being so stupid)

why am i not doing the assignment right now?because i have been trying to write it down and et i am unable to do it.i cant think of anything.i hate uia.no.i should hate myself for not being able to do the assignment.

im unhappy.i dont know who to turn to.i called you and you didnt answer.do you know im unhappy rite now?do you know im hating this distance right now?i hate you.do you know that?i cant stand this anymore.i think i might go bonkers with all these bullshit.i never know that studying can be such a crappy thing.

the utopian campus life

sara mentioned the other day that it's nearly the end of the semester already.i was quite stunned to hear that because it only seemed like a week ago that i just moved into the room for 2nd semester.

as the end of semester draws near, quite a lot of frustrating emotions were swirling in my 'ead.it is the fact that i have yet to achieve my perfect campus life. you know, enjoying every moment being in the uni?reading under the tree, meeting new people everyday,joining in interesting clubs and societies, and all that shitty things they portray in the freaking tv.its not real!!!i cant believe i've been duped.

lecturers being open-minded and classes as interesting as a freaking broadway play,you dressing really casually enjoying an interactive and informative debate about the current world issues with your classmate...well...there're all LIES!!!

which reminds us all ladies and gentlemen,the media..is evil.the end.

good byes are never easy

i cried when you drove off. im such a wimp.

i know you'll be worried about me.i am a 'budak kecik' after all. :) but i'll be fine. there's nothing i can't handle. :)

i'll wait for you.here.my days here are numbered anyways.i'm beginning to miss you.i hate this

this gratitudeness dont come that often

I think ive been pretty lucky in life. I have supportive parents and a great family as a whole. I have an incredible boyfriend, great friends, and my studies are not so bad. I don’t even know why im so depressed and disappointed with life at times. I admit that sometimes I go overboard and get carried away about the fact that my life is not that fulfilling in terms of monetary, but nevertheless, I don’t think im up to the point that I have to scrimp for food everyday. So I think im pretty good right now. Yes, maybe I don’t have a car, nor had enough money to go for the switchfoot concert, but hey, im still pretty good rite?

I still have killer clothes, my shoes, and bags are well taken care of, so what’s the fuss? I should stay this way more often.

Being depressed is not such a sunny expression. It’s not good for my image. Hah!