thank you

another person's father died..and he is my classmate.i remembered how he used to smile everytime i greeted him with a nick i specially made for him.but after his dad passed away, i didnt see him for a week.i missed his quiet smile.i heard how much he was close to his dad.and i wanted to cry.i saw him at the studio last week.he is still himself.he still greets me with his quiet,lopsided smile.and i was proud of him.proud of how strong he is.

and i look at myself.and i remembered how fragile i am.how softhearted i actually am.how i crumbled each day.and how i felt empty.just because of one small loss.

ive forgotten how many times ive cried and fall to pieces each night.how many times sarah mumbled in frustration about how she hates the effect he has on me.how mizi often sits at the staircase listening to my cries and mumbles.how nina,sue,kuhaz,ida listens to me patiently about me wanting to move on but never did.how kuhaz gave me a nice big hug when i was scared of crying alone.

im sorry to my family for putting up with my silent withdrawal.how my mother get worked up about me having an eating disorder (which i dont think i have).how my dad always call to ask me when i'll be home.

and finally how he always affects me.but he never fails to show how much he cares.

im lucky to be surrounded by such woderful people.thank you for being there always.

thank you

another person's father died..and he is my classmate.i remembered how he used to smile everytime i greeted him with a nick i specially made for him.but after his dad passed away, i didnt see him for a week.i missed his quiet smile.i heard how much he was close to his dad.and i wanted to cry.i saw him at the studio last week.he is still himself.he still greets me with his quiet,lopsided smile.and i was proud of him.proud of how strong he is.

and i look at myself.and i remembered how fragile i am.how softhearted i actually am.how i crumbled each day.and how i felt empty.just because of one small loss.

ive forgotten how many times ive cried and fall to pieces each night.how many times sarah mumbled in frustration about how she hates the effect he has on me.how mizi often sits at the staircase listening to my cries and mumbles.how nina,sue,kuhaz,ida listens to me patiently about me wanting to move on but never did.how kuhaz gave me a nice big hug when i was scared of crying alone.

im sorry to my family for putting up with my silent withdrawal.how my mother get worked up about me having an eating disorder (which i dont think i have).how my dad always call to ask me when i'll be home.

and finally how he always affects me.but he never fails to show how much he cares.

im lucky to be surrounded by such woderful people.thank you for being there always.

the pathetic period

this morning i woke up with swollen eyes.i thought i was bitten by a bug, but actually it was because i was crying over you.i put on my clothes to prepare for class, hoping today you'd call.i hate the fact that im weak when it comes to you, and i kept checking my phone, cursing myself at the same time because i realized im falling to pieces. all because of you.

i am hating you and im hating myself for this. i dont want you. but i crumble without you. i hate you.but i love you.fuck.

tribute to hot guys

a tribute to hot guys that have made us all females swoon and heaved for fresh air....
this is a post dedicated to sebastian parada

days ive watched you from afar, scared to make my move.i could only manage a smile eveytime you walk pass by.you only said hello and gave me your gorgeous smile that made your cheek dimpled.

the night you performed, i was brimmed with excitement. you looked nonchalant with your traditional costume, nobody had ever looked so sexy.i was preatically swooning when you gestured to me to take your picture while you performed.i held your camera with pride as i snaped perfect images of you

as we danced i remembered ur scent so vividly that i jerked everytime i came across it now. i remembered being the happiest girl alive when you hold me close as we pumped through the music..your face red with enthusiasm and energy..mine?(well,i'll need a mirror for that)

the last day before we went our seperate ways, i managed to fulfill my dare, i mumbled "i think you're hot". you looked at me with pure confusion..and suddenly grabbed balen, one of your girlfriends over to us. ialmost choked to death because obviously she was YOUR GF!then suddenly balen said "what did you say to him?he cant understand english". shit..WHAT???

"i said i think he's hot"..i repeated as my face heatened.she translated breezely and i watched as your expression changed..you blushed furiously and clamped your face with both hands.you said something to balen, i wish to god you werent saying that im a pathetic idiot..suddenly balen said"he said he's feeling really shy because no one has called him cute before".

you said gracias almost a dozen times.you took pix with me and hugged me before we parted.i will hold dearly to the memory of when the cutest guy came up and danced with me.for 5 TIMES GIRLFRIENDS!!BEAT THAT!HAHA! btw..his birthday is the same as mine..GOD!haha

days in india

im writing a LOOOOONNNG entry about india..i think i'll release it *cewah..macam book launching plak* on the 2nd of november...haha..

biasela..budak jakun yang baru pertama kali ke luar negara..i was overly eager to see foreign scenes..and experience the atmosphere in a diffrent plae, for the first time, i missed home so badly that i wanted to cry if a car happens to knock me dead.i want to die in malaysia.i have finally decided.*cewah, macam boleh pilih je mane nak mati*

i missed ayah, ibu, adik. my friends.my boyfriend.i missed everything about malaysia.i was at uncle lim's with keron, nad and baz, and i ordered a nasi lemak with daging.that was the first time i was completely salivating over a nasi lemak.i swear i will never toss out my local dish.EVER.

india taught me one thing dorothy taught all of us before this, there is no place like home.*i clicked my heels thrice in delhi, it didnt work,wizard of oz lied*

airport klia

wah wah...

klia banyak menerima pelajar2 dari uia sejak kebelakangan ini...syaza yang ke india, kuhaz yang baru ke beijing, dan baru-baru ini, radhio yang akan ke kuching.naik business class pula tuh!!wow!semoga berpanjangan lah umur klia yang tersergam indah dan sangat lawa itu!

lebih lawa dari airport india..hehehe

anti tobacco is good

do you know that smoking can cause halithos?which is persistent badb breath?i didntk know that that condition was called halithos.it sounds so cool..

me being in an anti-tobacco organization might cause insurgency in my studio where 90% of the male population are active smokers.haha..

i may not be passionate about anti-smoking yet..but i know what its doing to the generation.maybe we'll ooze this atmosphere of coolness while smoking..how do you explain the yellowing teeth and bad skin?owh and you can get a really bad skin rash called psoriasis.

i sound like a kid that have just finished memorizing the amazing health encyclopedia or something..haha..but maybe i`ll sound better later. when i get more infos on smoking *oh no!syaza will flood her blog with anti-smoking entries and in 10 years time people will start to print my blog as a health reference for anti-tobacoo*

ayam kept on badgering me why i forbid him to smoke.i guess he felt missed out on something.first,he'll have that halithos thingy..second,yellow teeth and bad smell*major turn off!* and most importantly..its not good for my image as an anti-tobacco activist(well..beginner punye level lah)

well..im off now..i have much research on tobaccos that i have to do..im going to INDIA in 3 days time!yahoo!

im hating the pc rite now because i cant download the itinerary for the gym thingy.

i hate i hate i hate this pc

thinking with a clear mind,thats what they always say.im starting to doubt the root of this utmost philiosophy that everyone holds so dear.it is pretty obvious we're living in the age of irrationality and full of outrage emotions.

as i slammed the door i concocted a plan to get out of the house and live a life that 'everyone' seems to worship, which is life of total freedom and no barriers.what do i have to lose?i can be a totally independent person as i am already 20 years of age.

maybe ill get to see the hurt on my mother's face, knowing i couldnt stand living under the same roof as she is.maybe ill get their phone calls once a week to check if my life is okay, and wether i want to come home.maybe ill miss my sisters life, their bowling trips and their swimming classes.

old photos of me when i was i year old doesnt do me any justice.things are not so easy now, and situations in life is not sugar and spice, and everything nice.that picture is a TOTAL LIE.i am not a smiling,cute baby that has just learned to walk!i am a full grown up person that has the ability to hurt your feelings with me scathing remarks and i can walk out of your lives!

haha..behold the person that we all know as teenagers or, more importantly, the new me.

but somehow,after a night of tears and screams, i came to the realization that i can never do that to my parents.i dont want to see how much ive hurt them.i dont want them to know how much i hate them at times.my mother lookd so happy in 1987, my father was all smiles when he took me to the beach, me,trotting next to him.my grandfather panicked when my mother gave birth to me, resulting to his continous trips to the toilet, and him not being able to visit my mother.my aunt gave me a minnie mouse doll during my one year old birthday.

i must really be the most rotten-hearted person on earth.i cant walk out, and i dont want to.even if you hurt me countless of times, i know i made you cry when i gave you a letter saying i hated you.i didnt mean to.im sorry.i know youll never read this.but i want you too.maybe later.when im ready to show it to you.thank you for bringing me into this world.i love you.

my life

haha..i havent blogged for almost a month..byk giler perkara sudah terjadi and it feels like id get my fingers all cramped up if i typed each and everyone of it down.

uia?god..i wish ill never have to set my foot in the studio again.everybody is sick with everyone else.vacation is definitely the solution to this.

friends?i have to say some are good and some are not.a fallout with a friend is both painful and confusing.i guess this is what people say life has its unexpected twists and turns.meeting up with old friends are ...just the right thing you need after coming out of a bruised and battered state called university.

family?i have enough stories to produce a tv drama/soap opera. but raya was good.aby syam is getting married and my aunts are bursting with happiness to know their most eligible nephew are finally getting hitched.

relationship?ayam is great.im starting to panic if id end up with him somehow.shit~

me?im anxious as the day for me to leave for india draws near.im happy that i finally get the chance to go.gawd!taj mahal!here i come!!!!!!(me in the most obvious jakunness state ever)

so far-this is what we all call a synopsis to someone's life.i thank you all for your attention

my life..currently

wow..has it been a month?or two months?since the last time i blogged?giler lah..haha..ive been busy..somehow i find myself committing wholly to the one thing that actually robbed me off my social circles...KAED..

lets see...during the mid sem holidays...i went to this class trip in Penang...for an ASSIGNMENT..though penang was fabulous..but...its kinda pathetic to actually spend your hols working when you shoudve been in GSC watching the latest movie with your friends.

i havent seen the bangi people for almost two moonths..which shows that i havent been home for almost a month.i havent had the time to hang out with the subang people for..how long??and i still havent taken my licence yet...

so far..i think my life is perfect..thank you very much.

my laptop

yesterday was our anniversary.the fourth one.and thank god this time it went well..destroying my theory about the how everytime your anny is around the corner you'll 'indulge' in a big fight that makes you wish you should've cut the anny shorter.

we had wedges and went to carrefour for grocery shopping *i didnt get to buy my panda*..before getting a call from my dad to meet at low yat in an hour time.we rushed to low yat and from the way he was driving i could tell that he was nervous to meet my dad for the second time.

what happened?my dad and ayam worked hand in hand to give me a HUGE headache during our "laptop shopping hunt".the result?me getting a gorgeous white laptop,even if its not compaq, but still...its white man...owh and the functionless media player..

banyak bende

psa is over and im damn happy its over.theres too much bad shit in it..and i think i can have an emotional breakdown if i go through the details once again..all i can say is..now i know why i hate being involved in all this activities..because its BAD SHIT!!

im pissed...regarding psa..but other than that,im okay...im gr8 actually...just realized i have a lecturer from hell..and i cant believe that im going to segamat with her fat face sticking down my throat..i know im being a fucked up student here..but i cant stand rude people.

anyway...hmm..what else..ayam is going to cherating tomorrow :( he asked me what i want from cherqaqting..and all i can think about is hideous pareos and bikinis...so i sed tudung..but maybe ill regret it later if he happens to produce some makcik designed tudung after the trip

during leadership, we are to speak in public..(the next class) in a public speaking lesson...about what's happening in lebanon..considering that the last class i talked about howmuch i hate veggies..i think the possibility of me going far in public speaking is NIL..

anyway,i have studio tomorrow and i have yet to finish my work...so..if i am willing to be killed by that fat cow..i better take my leave now so good nite and take care people~

the first time in my life,i was actually screaming on the phone.the first time.without me realising it, i was crying as well.i dont even know why.all i could think of was "how could you do this to me".maybe to her it was no big deal, maybe it was a norm to her.to actually do that.maybe i was just acting like a big fat baby for not being strong enuf.i dont know.all i could think about was how much i hate her and i just couldnt believe that she was in my life.all these years i was there,it just never occur to her i was important too.

home,which the definiton is a comfortable sanctuary which you yearn to reach when times like this come.i wanted to go back home.but i dont have one.i have a rented dilapitated house, but now thats my home.my family lives there, with all their might in trying to find a silver lining in a dark cloud that never seems to go away.maybe i was being cynical before.on how much i hated my present life, my present house.but now i dont hate it anymore.i dont care if my dad does not earn 6000 like he used too.i dont care if i cant be able to afford all the good things in life that my friends have.i just dont care anymore.right now the home i went to that night was the one that made me stop crying and welcomed me with all its contents.i forgot how much i missed the sound of my sisters bathing in the morning,their shouts and groans.i miss my mum with her worn shoes and her pale face.i miss my dad.

i dont care anymore.i just want to go home

fingers are numb

finally the letters are finished..the remaining letters that need to be sent out to the planning firms are FINITO~WOOHOO!!KAK NITA YOU ROX!!*the hod's secretary

anyway..yesterday nite, radhi and i painted our nails black..and i was thinking ~man!these are soo COOL!..then got a message from ayam saying die pening thinking about the fact that my nails have transformed into black..tak rock betul la orang tue ni..*hehe*

im looking forward to this sunday, the final match of the world cup..probably going to b.b for the party...bet my bf will be wearing his france t-shirt and gushing over the wonders of zidane.hmm..i wonder if he's g...damn!syaza!stop thinking bullshit!

anyway..the juniors have just filled in the mahallah..i pun tatau how to react to this..especially since they tend to call me kak everytime they talk to me..its aggravating...really..

so..i'll be off then..blog later..fingers are numb..can..not..type..any..more..must..go..out...

life is GREAT

enjoying every minute of my life at the moment..yep..yesterday i got lost in the mighty big kuala lumpur trying to find a JALAN KAMPUNG ATTAP..and EVERYONE knows that once you miss a turning,you'll never find the damn place.pudu,brickfields..AGH!!CONGESTION!!!* i feel like singing " conjunction conjuction, where's your function"* even though it has no relation what so ever to congestion, but it sounds the same..hehe

3 hours or so,after passing by kl sentral for like the fifth time,we finally found the turning we were SUPPOSED to take, as told by the newspaper vendor at old kl station..hmph..we shout in delight as we saw the sign jln kg. attap.finally, we're here!alamat yang tertera...no.19 jalan kampung attap...apasal nampak 18 je?aiyah!!sesat again ah!!**@@%$#@#@!@~~#$#$@

btw, i lost my matric card..*%@&

p/s:pengumuman:saya sudah mengambil keputusan untuk kembali bersama ayam..our irreconcillable diffrences telah bertukar menjadi reconcillable balik..dan saya ada boxers spongebob baru..haha

what is in my head

im freaking tired of finding sponsors.im tired of having to drop by the office and leave empty-handed (no letters of sponsorships completed) when ive just traveled all the way from bangi by public transportation for two damn hours just to put my butt in the kaed building.

just now i was this close to bursting out in front of my lecturer. but i know he meant well..even if his advice is a total BULL.i am tired of doing this alone, mizi included.i hate my job-period.

but,anyway,enuf of this boring shite aite?yesterday i watched the news,israeli forces are keeping the hamas leaders in captive.i hope they all go to hell.and take their bloody skullcaps with them.i am pissed by the fact that arab countries are all bloody rich, members of the opec, and yet they are not doing anything to help these palestinians.kids die because the these israelis are on the crusade of getting every palestinians killed.i am tired by the fact that they have kofi annan as the sec general, while he was obviously a dickhead and think they should put mahathir there.

so,as a conclusion,the world is a shithole to live in right now.i guess its not sugar and spice after all.

p/s:i oso dont know whats the connection between my job and the world news..but thats whats boggling in my head right now.

i promise

i cant change what u are to me.maybe i am weak after all.for still caring.funny,ive always pride myself for my ability to shut people out of my life.but not you.maybe its not that easy.maybe i need more time to prepare,to let you go completely.

but dont you worry about me.ill be fine.i always am.i know im stronger than i think i am.hey,youve been in a much more worse condition than this.so,ill be fine.

funny,u wont even read this.but ill be fine.thats a promise.so,if all ur seeing now is a big black cloud, ull see sunshine soon.i promise.

what i feel rite now

im having all this mixed up emotions..that i cant even describe anyone of it thats been bogling in my head..so:

-im feeling f***ing sad and down because i just broke(everbody feels that way,unless u memang nak tinggalkan that person seabad lalu)
-im pissed at the hod's secretary because i still havent gotten the rest of the sponsorship's letter
-kesian at the hod's secretary sebab i gave her a long list of addresses for the letters
-stressed out because everbody is breathing down my freaking neck asking about the damn sponsors
-pissed(for another reason) because my ex is being stupid
-scared if the sponsors arent really sponsoring
-pening kepale because my ex cakap keling(ini hanyalah perumpamaan)
-craving for chocolates
-craving for mochas
-scared i might grow fat because i tend to eat a LOT when im stressed out and rite now i AM STRESSED OUT
-malas nak balik naik public transport because i hate the public transport (which is evident in my blog entries)

so..those are some of the feelings i managed to pull out for a sec for this blog entry before it squeezes its way back in..have a nice day folks..coz im not =(

penat lah

aiyo...so penat la jadi budak planmic..ive been ulang-alik- ing to uia from bangi for the past 3 days...naik public transport ok!

so when other students were actually enjoying their HOLIDAY..i was dozing off in the lrt..waiting for it to reach terminal putra so i could get to kaed..by BUS..

why am i making such a big FUSS over taking the public transport??BECAUSE IT SUX!and i think im broke already..and im not even doing something FUN with my cash!

here's to the LRT company..enjoy my duit...next time..please do something to reduce the screeching sound of the train...i nak mati dengar the damn train sreeching against the rail..macam dengar garpu dok scratch kat pinggan over and over again...