Terima kasih boyfriend :)

ini adalah salah satu daripada peristiwa dalam hidup yg akan saya ingat sampai bila-bila. dapat minum godiva milk chocolate decadence ice blended bersama dome's huge choc chip cookie yg rase macam plastik. but the ice blended was HEAVENLY. but be sure to be near to the washroom after you've finished the drink, as they use pure chocolate bars for this, if you know what i mean...

life is a sum of your choices

An old schoolmate of mine has finally made a mark in the music industry when she got into muzik-muzik recently. To me, when you’ve made into muzik-muzik, that’s something big in Malaysia. I remembered her participating in our school’s talentime contests, and trying to penetrate into the indie scene for quite some time, and now, when she has finally made it, i was actually happy for her. Before this, it would be envy and many other ill feelings (lets not go back to the old schooldays tales, shall we?), but now, since i’ll be turning 23 this year, i figured it would best that i have to grow up and actually pick up some grown-up set of thinking. In other words, be mature.

“life is a sum of your choices”-alburt camus. I had a postcard of this saying on my desks as long as i could remember, and now only did i understand its true meaning. I shouldn’t wait for life to be better, i should actually start making my life better. Waiting for a miracle is like 1 in a million chances it will actually occur, and honey, i don’t think life is that cushy. Life is a sum of my choices. I should stop blaming the elements occurring in my life for making it so miserable, because i was the one who let it happened. I chose it to be this way, one way or another.

What am i doing? What am i doing to actually make my life better? Im not doing anything! That was my saddest realization. So what if my family’s financial situation took a major dip? That doesn’t mean that i have to sit back and wait for life to turn things around, i have to turn things around for life to be better, not the other way around right? What happened to me trying to achieve my dreams and goals? What made me become so broody, unproductive, and envious and so many other destructive mindset, is because of the lack of maturity.

Like my schoolmate, she didn’t wait for things to turn its way around for her to become a singer, she made it happened herself. Life is indeed a sum of your choices. And now im taking the steps in making it happen, first by finishing my project paper with a big fat A. :)

queue jumpers

One of things that actually appeals to my curiosity is what is going on in the mind of queue jumpers. This has almost become synonymous with Malaysian culture is one the things im pretty much embarrassed about when they brazenly execute their queue jumping skills in front of foreign tourists who have been queuing like mad for past half hour.

This morning i was having my breakfast with my parents at a food court somewhere in Putrajaya, and decided to try the nasi lemak which my mum claims to be one of the tastiest in town. “quick, go and queue up before the crowd gets here”, which explains why the nasi lemak is so popular. As i got into the line, waiting for my turn, a young couple in their 30’s joined in the queue. Well, should i say, half of the couple, because as the husband decides to do the honourable, and equally ethical deed of queuing up, the wife coolly cuts in the front queue and asked for a plate of nasi lemak. “The queue is here-lah”, the husband called. “It’s okay”, she shrugged off, as she veers around with the plate of meal in her hand, selecting her choice of lauk. I was quite surprised no one in the queue had the urge to tell her off, and what was more surprising was that even the stall owner tended to her.

What has become of the basic social values of our society? Well, i know some might just say, ”pfft, why are you even making a big fuss out of a small spark”, but hey, doesn’t it irk you when you’ve been queuing for the komuter for almost 20 minutes, and when the ultra-slow vehicle arrives, there will be a group of people who have been sitting while you were standing up shamelessly walk to the front and claim their “right-of-way” into the train?

When i went to Japan, I found out that you have to queue for almost everything. That includes boarding the escalator in the mall. As compared to us Malaysians, as long as we can push and shove our way to the preferred destination, no problem. The erosion of the society’s ethical values are quite troubling, as more people think that they have the right-of-way to everything, disregarding what other’s feel, as well as other people’s right-of-way.

There is only one explanation for this disease, selfishness.

continution of my krispy kreme obsession

ni mase kat tokyo, mase mule2 jakun melihat krispy kreme, dan free samplenye yg sgt lazat (they gave 1 whole doughnut as a sample, malaysian business should take note of this, but then, if they do that here, people would just come for the sample and leave, knowing malaysians..hahaha)

ni lepas beli kat times square, walaupun bagi donut yg dah tak berape fresh, saya masih menyukainya..

malangnya, gambar kat depan krispy kreme kat south korea ada kat sarah, dan bukan dalam laptop saya. tapi tak mengapa, saya akan jadikan habit menangkap gambar depan krispy kreme di merata2 tempat di dunia sebagai hobi terbaru :)

my krispy kreme obsession

i blame kak aya for this growing endemic. her obsession on the doughnut chain rubbed off on me when we were in Tokyo, and later it got carried away during my class trip to south korea last november. and now its HERE!!!

but i cant imagine myself camping out at the store for 65 hours before its grand opening to get myself a one year supply of doughnuts, that requires pure willpower and no shower.

so, enjoy your 1 dozen of glazed doughnuts, and dont forget to think of a way to shed those extra-extra carbs ;)

p/s:waiting for ben and jerry's to make their way to malaysia's shores :)

networking yo

i met a chinese guy today. his name was charles.

i came to old town completely ladened with my laptop bag and my huge handbag as i asked if i could use the power socket next to his table, and he was kind enough to move his table so i could plug in my laptop.

i cant remember how we started talking, but he was completely surprised tht i speak english fluently, which sadly is quite the image that we, malay youths are propagating. we talked about whatever there was to talk about, from how Putrajaya failed to be a modern city to what politics in Malaysia should be like.

when he was about to leave, he paid for my enrich chocolate drink, and we promised to keep in touch through email.

all in all it was a very refreshing experience. striking up a conversation with a total stranger. i should do that more often. :) *that is if i have the guts

to syanaz and syafinaz

i love my sisters. theres no doubt about it. i have a picture of them when they were toddlers on my notice board in my uia room. it is to remind me that everything i do here is for them, as well as my parents. we might not be close like other sisters are, but we know that we love each other is already enough.

i know the responsibility as the eldest is a heavy one, and its heavier when it comes to my part. but i will now walk away from it now, as i did before this. im ashamed for being such a coward, a pussy and an irresponsible a**hole. i will now embrace my responsibility with an open heart, and i hope God will give me the strength to do this on my own.

my time is almost up, and we'll see the results pretty soon. in which i will not fail you. i love you both.

declining humanity

human are scary beings. they bitch about their friends, whom the night before was proclaimed as their brother/sister, they fight over different ideologies and opinions, and they kill one another for some stupid, idiotic reasons.

what is humanity?was it to have compassion and love for one another? or was it to put on a mask of a smiley face before you greet your "friends"whom you've always begrudged and bitched about because you didnt have the "heart" to tell them of your feelings as it may sound too harsh, when in actual fact, you just didnt have the balls to do it.

will people change?what happens when your "busuk hati" runs out of juice, and you're left alone cramped in your cubicle on your birthday?will it be the right time to say, "serves you right a**hole"?

its not too late to apologise isnt it?

somewhere along the line, i missed the step. it might not be so important when i missed it. but it is now. its shitty that i cant retract or rewind whatever that has been done. we, as humans are mistak-magnets. all i can say now is im sorry.

im sorry for everything. i know you will never read this, but at least ive gotten this off my chest. maybe in due time, ill muster the courage to say it to you in person. *im such a coward*

not now

i dont know when my next meal will come, but i am still happy.

somehow when a friend told me she wished she didnt have to think of having to save when going out, i was somewhat a bit downtrodden. am i a burden to be around with?i wished so its the opposite.

all these while i keep a straight face when peers make comments on my downright thrifty spending, it was quite a cut. but i know they didnt mean to hurt me. they just do not understand.

its okay. i understand. im not like everyone else. even our own family have turned their back on us, but we're still happy. we still have each other.

i wished for many things. i wished i could further my studies after i graduate. but i cant. i wished i could pursue whatever field that i am interested in, but i cant. not now anyway.

being in a position where you feel like flinging yourself off the cliff for being so helpless everyday is not healthy, but i keep it caged nicely, which is why i could still muster a smile.

im not complaining. this is just a way of me telling you how i feel, since i do have a difficulty of expressing my feelings. i wished that my future is written nicely in the book. but i doubt it. all i could see is big, black, heavy clouds that awaits me. all i have now is you, and God. my father has long since given up, and i wished i wont. not now.

all i have now is a clear cut on who has stood beside me while i go through this and who has abandoned me. i may not be able to afford your weekly outings with branded togs, but i could offer you my friendship and loyalty. if that is not enough, i dont see the reason why we should still be friends. when people say" a friend in need is a friend indeed", i guess its not applicable to you.

crossroad part 2

one down, two more to go..

cehhh..cakap macam nak pegi perang padahal amik exam je..

i found myself encountering the familiar crossroad again. it shouldnt have been such a big issue before, i already know what's best for me. but this time, im drawn again into temptations and what I want, instead of what i SHOULD do.

this is really bugging me. this sucks.

to my tok wan

my grandfather was a gentle man, who dotes on his grand children. "eh, tgk, die je yg asyik dukung you", faliq remarked as we were going through my old pictures at mama's house.

i remembered his orchids (he loved growing orchids), how he saved me from being eaten by a vampire (a stupid game my cousins and i were playing which consists of us running around the house screaming from being eaten by the vampire *who was arin*), and he bought me a Ken doll, and told me not to strip him naked, although i did.

i couldnt really remember him as clearly as i wanted to, because he passed away when i was 5. i still remembered his funeral, he wasnt a famous man of the nation, no vip went to his funeral, but i was bawling my eyes out because my tok wan wouldnt wake up. i didnt even get to see him during his final days in the hospital because my mother said the hospital wouldnt let a noisy kid like me in.

i still miss him. he always had a smile on his face, in which he never fails to chuckle whenever his grandchildren were embrawled in mindless, kiddy games and later we would fall back unto his lap exhausted.

here's to my tok wan, who is deeply missed by all.

blurry

if only i could scream at a cliff somewhere, id have a sore throat by now.

im just ranting out some jumbled words mixed in my head that sometimes i dont even know what i said. sometimes i just write whatever that is on my head because my vision would be blurred by tears. like right now.

its sad that even when you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone.

what is even sadder is you have to mimicked a happy face when all you want to do is cry your heart out as loud as you can witholding nothing.

the saddest would be swallowing your shit and face it alone. like it or not, its right in front of you.

i do have to suck it up dont i?

face the music

all these while i had an extra limb, and now i am forced to do it on my own. but this is something i have to go through sooner or later.

"sooner or later, you'll have to face the music alone", faliq told me.

he held my hand as he said,"i wont be able to help you with your project paper, that is your responsibility, but i will make a hot drink for you while you do it, take you to the library, accompany you when you're doing your survey, and be there for you the best way i can".

i think that's enough already. thanks faliq :)

crap is spelled with a 'p'

i malas nak layan boleh tak? boleh tak for once i tak payah nak senyum2 and cakap everything is fine even though ur treating me like crap?

kenape la aku ni bodo sgt pun tak tau.

the cynic

sometimes all it takes is just a small display of love. its not that difficult. but somehow people tend to disregard that one small fact that could actually make the other smile throughout the day.

what's stoping you?why must you put the egoistical barrier in front? it hurts knowing that after all these years, it still doesnt matter how much im trying here, you will never see it.im completely exhausted.

hats off to you~

a completely exhausting trip

we arrived in terengganu around 3 am only to find out that the inn we earlier booked for was a complete nightmare, not only it resembles a horror-story-where-people-slash-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night-like, there was also no receptionist at the counter, nor was anyone picking up the phone,even the handphone, when we called.

So after 2 hours of driving aimlessly along the narrow kampung road, we finally found an inn that looked really nice and new :) which apot called the virgin inn (because the name is dara inn). as emilia and i groaned with pleasure when we sunk into the new beds, i was completely nervous for the next day because a) i dont know anyone there except for maybe 3 people whom are faliq, iqram and amelia; and b) this is a freaking royal wedding!!!

the wedding, although it was really hot, because it starts at 2pm, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. we arrived a bit later than the stated time, so we missed the "perarakan", but we managed to take pictures of the "santapan". in the evening, the newly wedded couple threw a bbq party at the same resort for their friends whom they weren't able to mingle with during the wedding, and the bride was so gorgeous! i just couldnt stop looking at her, knowing how gay i am, but yeah.

to sum it up, the trip was GREAT! and i was so glad i had an excuse to get away from the bustling KL, and managed to get myself a bit of sand here and there :)

private gifts

i came to a sudden realization that ive received panties as a form of a souvenier more than once.

my first gift was when i was still in high school, and my cousin, kak aya who was studying in uk back then gave me a small boxful of gifts, amongst the beautiful bangles were two g-strings with a "miss naughty" picture and another one a bubblegum character blowing bubbles. i dont even know why she gave me such alluring gifts when i didnt even fully understand the concept of being sexy, but then, having cartoon characters on the underwear was hardly sexy :)

second gift was a year ago when sue went to new york, and each of us girls recieved a victoria secret's panties. the name victoria secret alone was sexy, but then again the undergarment was hardly sexy, it was more of a naughty-kinky-ish type because of its vibrant colors..

and lastly. the same year sue went, ika went to indonesia and discovered a haven of shopping. and guess what she bought me?yes!lingerie!!calvin klein's bright red knickers!

maybe it is the current trend now, giving knickers as prezzies, but then again, these knickers have remained untouched for as far as i can remember because, i dont know?! i just dont feel like putting on some memorabillia my friend got me when she went over seas!

tagged by sue

How old are you?
22 soon 23.

2. Are you single?
nope

3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
ummm...im not to sure about that..maybe when im 26?or 27?but hopefully before 30 la..

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
hahaha..hope so! :)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
keanu reeves

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
tak payah kot..because i taknak ade bersanding. but i think id like my sisters to be the bridesmaids

7. Do you want a garden/ beach or traditional wedding?
hahhaa..ive already had this idea for my dream wedding and im not telling!!*takut diciplak atau di gelakkan

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
backpacking across europe!but if my husband really knows me, im not really going to backpack because id pack almost the whole entire closet.. but yeah...but id like to travel to europe :)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite.
id really like a small wedding..macam exclusive gitu..hahaha..but it was shot down by my mum who insisted that we invite the entire extended family whom i dont even see for a year or i even know. so yeah..if its according to my mum..im not to sure about the number.. *groans

10. Will that include your exes?
if he wants to come datanglah..

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
hmm..i dont want cake! i want a HUGE chocolate fountain!!

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
petang :)

13. Name the song/tune you’d like to play at your wedding.
banyak...but one of it includes "menunggu nasi minyak", by hail amir and uji rashid..hehehe..i like that song!so what?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork & knife?
ntahlah..im not even sure what food they're going to serve.hahahaha

15. Champagne or red wine?
milo ais!hahaha..taklah..giler ape milo ais..id want lemonade..is that possible??okaylah..limau ais (kite kan malaysian)

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
right after the wedding

17. Money or household items?
both oso can..no problem...dapat pun dah bersyukur..*ecehhh

18. How many kids would you like to have?
lots!!!id like to have 6..3 boys and 3 girls :)

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yes!mestilah..sambil tengok balik dan gelak kat our own idiocy during the wedding and reminisce about my once nice body figure decades ago.. :)

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
the rest of the girls! and anyone who reads this blog and are willing to take the time to do
this, they're more than welcome..

**** off

i am enthralled by all this commotion...

a commotion it is.. :)

demoted

the group erupted into a huge,raucous laugh whilst sharing a joke only they know about.

and i watched from afar. it has always been this way, and always will.

dont know why i thought my luck was going to change this time.it didnt

i wish my dad can help me out with this too

as i am struggling to finish my project management assignment, it made me remember about the time when i was 9 or maybe 10.

i was completely exhausted with the overloaded homework (malaysian education system really do stress out the kids), and i was fighting with my eyelids to keep them open as i tried my hardest to complete my tajwid homework from sekolah agama (the afternoon session religious school most city kids go to).

the next thing i know, i half awoke to the sound of my dad's voice, talking to my Pak Tam, about the tajwid that sounded exactly like my homework, and my dad was holding the exercise book.

now tell me, is there any man that can compete with my dad?i dont think so. and now, im wishing that im back home, and the assignment isnt so darn tedious. :)

valentine's entry

Trees blurred creating hazy, green scenery that was beautiful. I breathed in the comfort of his lap, as he drove, almost as if he has always driven with me lying there.

He has made me cry millions of times, but so have I. we hurt each other in a way that it hurts ourselves the most in the end. We kissed and make up the next minute the shouting and crying show ended. We nagged at one another until the other person turned a deaf ear. We’ve shared countless of drama that was enough for 10,000 drama production, but we couldn’t think of being with anyone else.

This is the man I love, and hopefully will always love me too. He has seen the ugly side of me, yet he stood where he was, claiming his feelings for me will never change. Being in love is not always a lovely experience, but it’s a beautiful one. Having that one person who you know will always catch you when you fall is a gift. It could be your parents, siblings, friends, and even the other half. And I’m thankful I was given all of the above as my catcher. But this is for my sayang, and his name is Faliq Hakim.

kenapa bahasa saya kelakar

im not sure why.but my facebook was suddenly in BM mode.notification suddenly become "tatapan", and the weirdest was trying to comprehend people's status...being single became "kembali bujang"..and its complicated turned into "rumit" or something like that.

im not saying that our bahasa is a joke.its not.i think its the coolest language in the whole wide world. for example, you cant really define what "poyo" means in english, because its cool just the way it is in Bahasa. however, when it comes to all this official stuff (ceeehhhh...macam faceboo tu official sgttt), id like to keep it in english, because my formal bahasa is just too kelakar to digest.

this is MY opinion. please, i dont want anyone suddenly coming up to me and slap me in the face saying "ko patut berbangga cakap bahasa melayu!". im just saying when it comes to me talking in formal bm?i sound like trash.note that I,ME,NUR SYAZA.not you, him, or that guy waiting for the taxi at the bus stand, but MOI.so, yeah..cuit saya anyone?(that is poke me in facebook).

stories from my mother#2

i noticed how my mother liked to reminisce about the old times more often these days. we were having breakfast at our favourite stall, when she commented on my sister's unruly hair. "no matter how many times ive brushed it, it'll become all selekeh again".

and then she suddenly chuckled softly, remembering the time my sister, syafinaz, rosakkan my painting, i didnt recall how old i was, but the twins were still toddlers. and it resulted to syafinaz getting paint all over face, my mother said she wished she had a camera with her at that time. i wished she did too. it mustve been cute to see a chubby japanese-look-a-like with paint smeared all over her face.

and then she recalled the time when the family first moved to subang. i was one year old. as my aunt ani was also moving on the same day, it was quite a hectic day. my dear late grandmother, tok kalsom, cooked lunch for everyone. but because everyone was busy, no one had the time to stop and enjoy the meal. except for me. because according to my mum, i was going about holding a fried fish in my hand, wearing a blue jumpsuit. and my mother remarked", mak, i think cucu mak tu lapar la", to my tok. and ibu said she laughed so hard, that my mother could still remeber her laughter.

im not sure what was funny, seeing a toddler with a fried fish in her hand. but i think my mum was trying to catch a glimspe of the childhood ive long left behind before i really do grow up. but im glad my mother still remembered those stories that was about to be forgotten, because to me, it shows how much my parents love me. :)

closing in

im about to close this blog.because i feel like starting a new chapter in life.

i dont know how i came about this. but there was this one morning that i woke up and suddenly wanting to turn over a new leaf. and maybe by closing a section of the memoirs of life, i could achieve this.

i know this may sound stupid. some would say, " why do u have to delete the entire blog just to start over?", but to me, this is what i want to do.

kuhaz left yesterday. a tearful departure and the fact that the radio played foo fighter's walking after you did not help in easing the pang of missing her badly.

i love you kuhaz. we all love you.

to them with love

ive never been much of a good friend. i know im not completely a horrible one, but still there are things i wished i couldve done more. but im only human. theyve been there when i was in a deep rut, stood by me while i was being a complete ass. so..salude to my friends

heres to my favourite girlfriends

nina:who has always been an inspiration. she became much like a sister who always guides me, and made sure im okay all the way

radhi: my rock, ive never been able to actually comprehend my relationship with radhi, but she was there when i needed her

kuhaz: my dependable friend. somehow kuhaz has always been my comfort zone, even her room was a comfort space to me back when she was in uia.

sue: the one who never fails to love and trust. she was always the one who made us stick together.

and by next week, kuhaz will be leaving for aussie and sue in february. im not very much in a writing - mode right now. i know. but one thing for sure is, i will definitely miss both of you very much.

clearer times ahead

after talking to dr. zain, im more confident of my future than ever. i guess talking to someone in the know-how do help.

ive been so lost before this, and i couldnt really talk to anyone. my head was filled with crazy notions and idealistic goals that i wasnt even sure i could achieve it. and to think id go to sj to talk about this?are you out of ur mind?

thank god for lecturers like dr.zain

where was i?

ive always felt strongly against the israel-palestine affairs. even when nina commented that i have a jewish nose, i went beserk.

but now, the israel's aggresion is more apparent than ever, and where was i when there was a peaceful demo at tabung haji? i was in kaed putting together my first chapter for my thesis. and there was a performance tonight to show support for the palestinians here in uia, and where was i? in this freaking cc.

haih..

resolutions for now

i wont bother making resolutions because each year ive been having the same resolutions, as a result of me not being able to fulfill my resolutions..so..bawak kehadapan...and voila..a recycled set of resolutions.

but not to be deeply pessimistic about this year, and myself, i will state some resolutions that i promise i will uphold/fulfill/whatever you call it:
1. finish my thesis
2.graduate this year

dah...this is my resolutions for NOW...will update later when im thinking with a clear mind and an undivided attention to this blog.because i know i HAVE to finish my thesis, and I HAVE to graduate this semester.hahahaha

2009

the new year came and we didnt even have a countdown. we were too bloated and full with home cooked food and loaded with bitchy gossips and good times spent with close friends. friends that i realized will go on their seperate ways come 2010.

this is probably the last time we'll ever sit together for new year celebration. ill miss this.

angus, thongs and perfect snogging

i dont know why facebook is sooo lembab.....i think it's my pc. its infested with virus and god-knows-what.

yesterday watched angus, thongs and perfect snogging. a true chick flick..and i LOVE it!!..while nina and i were drroling over the hot and gorgeous robbie, faliq wished he never had come because he was completely bored out of his mind.. (ahahaha..kesian..) except the part where angus got lost and part mane2 yang ade angus. (i suke giler angus!!)

to sue, kuhaz and radhi: u guys will love angus. but i chop dulu.hahahaha

stories from my parents #1

When I was small, I fell off a bike. I had a big cut right above my eye lids that required stitching. An hour passed, and I showed no sign of surrendering to the anaestathics the doctor had put me in, he finally gave up, slapped a plaster on my gash, and told my dad to take me home. hence why I had a scar right above my eyelids. I never noticed it until my dad told me recently. Stories like this made me miss my parents everytime im away from home.

i guess time do have healing powers

Friendships were forged because of some common grounds you found within each other. Islam encourages us to protect our silaturrahim. Yet there are a lot of questions swirling in my head concerning friendship, which I know I’ve voiced it in my previous entries. Some contradicting one another, which I may say depicts the mood I was in during the time I wrote it. But as I grow older I still find the question of friendship as mind-boggling as ever. Some friendships I have leave me as lonely as it can get me yet made me feel complete at the same time. Sounds confusing? Believe me, it still is to me. How about the complicated friendship I have with my ex?

Well, I won’t get into that now. when I was a teenager, having a best friend was a must. Having one made me feel like I was the coolest person on earth to be able to say,”well, my bestfriend is etc….”. Yet what does being a best friend really is? To be truthful to one another? To be able to share everything? I have to admit I envy those in the movies where their best friend is like their other half (not in that gf bf way), bila cubit peha kanan, peha kiri terasa juga.

I had a best friend, one that I love and hate at the same time. I loved her in every way that I wished I could kick the asses of the ones that made her cry everytime she called me crying. But at the same time i harbored feelings of dislike that I shouldn’t have towards my bestfriend. Her out-rightness, that stung me, how she made me feel so low that I’d wished the earth could swallow me up at that moment (my very low self-consciousness was partly to be blamed). And in the end I chose to distance myself rather than confront her, all these years, I was still the coward. I wasn’t a good friend myself, for if I was, I would’ve told her how hurtful I felt, and maybe we could actually mend our ways.

But as times passes by, wounds heal, though unlike a plaster covering a gash, more like a cloth covering the wounds, and each time the winds flicked it, the sting is still there. all these years, I wanted to show her that I managed to live a happy life without her, it only made me shameful for being such a vengeful and hateful person. Confronting people is not my cup of tea, but shunning people seemed to be my special ability now. well, maybe if our paths do cross again, I wished to shake her hands and wish her a happy life. im finally able to close the curtains and become a new person.

haih..since everyone did it

Rules:- Choose a band/singer-
Answer the following using ONLY titles of songs by that band/singer

Are you male or female? x&Y
Describe yourself. viva la vida
What do people feel when they’re around you? Shiver (Because im so cool..hahahaha)
How would you describe your previous relationship? Trouble
Describe your current relationship. Lovers in Japan/Reign of love
Where would you want to be now? In My Place
How do you feel about love? Sparks
What’s your life like? God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
What would you ask for if you had only one wish? High Speed
Say something wise. Don't Panic

singer: Coldplay

just a mindless rant

i am blessed with the opportunity to travel to different countries even though i am financially disadvantaged.

the experiences i gained when i went to korea and hong kong is a lot to even put it on paper (or the internet)..i might as well say that there are good times, and definitely some rough patches that surfaced itself during the trip. but im nevertheless grateful to be able to travel.

after the trip, my girlfriends and i finally went on our cptdt. though its a shorter one as compared to what we discussed earlier, but it was still a trip with my close friends.

the new semester that is ushering in seems very much vague to me.and i find myself being nervous on what the future has to offer for me. haha...ill write more after this..i forgot the posts ive written beforehand..

updates later..

im currently surfing with the slowest computer on the face of the earth and with a keyboard so noisy that if type a longer entry i think the rest of the people here will throw me out..so anyway..ill update the blog later..with posts regarding my trip to korea and hong kong, and melaka with the girls..

yesterday i went out with faliq's family (which means the mum and the sister)...scaarrryyy..but after awhile i managed to make myself comfortable and hanging out with his sis and mum is actually fun..hahaha..but im still scared tho..what if they think differently of me..now that they've spent time with me longer than before (which was having dinner..or lunch)

what i will miss

i think i will miss uia when i graduate (which i hope will be next month because honestly im pretty much fed-up with all this hulla-balloos).

ten things i will miss:
1. my room in asiah (pray not my current room because the kipas is rosak and the fastest speed is two..macam f***er)

2. the kaed lab (i dont care if faliq said our lab is outdated as compared to HIS, this is where i spent most of my time when im in kaed)

3. kaed cafe (because that is the only place i go to when my tummy needs filling up, and the sambal belacan is BEST HABIS)

4. kaed gallery (i know im quite a loser because ive already listed three places in kaed alone..but i LOVE the gallery..ive always been awed by it ever since i came here)

5. hs cafe (since i like to eat a lot, hs cafe is a nice place to eat with an okay variety of good food and a chance to tgk orang *another fav activity of mine)

6. kyros kebab (uve got to admit that having this in the campus is super cool)

7. the library (i looooveee the libabry because its so preeettyyy and BIIGGGG)

8. The shop next to hs cafe (because it has an applaud able range of chocolates)

9. the nescafe kiosk (because i can get my mocha freeze there, and it almost turned me into a caffeine-addict back when i was in 2nd year)

10. kaed's office (because i can think of anywhere else id miss..im ran out of ideas by this time..nasib baik 10 je..kalau 20 mampos tak tau nak isi ape)

having identified that a majority of the places id miss is mostly places that accommodates to food-precessing/consumption or ape2 la yang berkenaan dengan food..the deductive conclusion would be that i like to eat. and maybe when i left uia, ill probably also miss the restaurants and stalls i usually go to such as nz, mali, ayam kukus, mancongkam and many more.

korea episode 1

here i am in the lab.waiting for the rain to stop so i can stop by the hs cafe for my delayed lunch..haish.. so..im anxious of my trip, knowing that ill be welcomed by dry cold winter, and maybe ill have that rash if im not careful enough.

korea has come a long way to become what it is now. never ending wars with japan and china(since the early civilization until the 19th century, as it served as a bridge between these two nations), and a severe civil war that resulted to the seperation of korea into two parts, the republic of korea and north korea.

what interests me was how they managed to build up the nation to become one of the economic tigers in asia (aside from japan, singapore, taiwan and hong kong) after the civil war that severely damaged the capital city, seoul, almost destroying every modern building they have in the 1950s. not to mention the political struggle of the nation itslef, but i wont get into that because i might bore your tights out.

ill write more of korea when i get back.hopefully with pictures too ;)

penat nye

the trip to korea is less than a week away..the CAN PLAN THIS DAMN TRIP is two weeks after the Korea trip..my god...how am i supposed to keep up with this?

a sudden burst of happiness

suddenly i realized that not everything revolved around money. i guess im a little slow being at that could be due to me being friends with people of affluent background. (not that im complaining :) i love them to bits)

i like having this feeling.its a nice one :)

cuba lah kalau berani

being disadvantaged? i call this being strong and willfull.

words can never bring me down..but yes..stick and stones can break my bones.

pretending to be concerned?please shove that in the dustbin.i dont need anymore hypocrisy.ive had that for years.

wahh...you're so HEBAT...*think i'd actually say that to you?are you delusional?

that tiny voice

i can do this. *breathing in deeply

im absolutely sure that i want this *breathing in again

but no one told you to do so

you put this upon yourself

in the toilet..while waiting

i was thinking how i'd actually be when im forty. this realization came when i was ~ehem...in the toilet (well..some of you know the average time i have to spend in that god-forsaken place)... and there was nothing left to do but to think about what my future would be.

a tiny place in my mind nudges me to go forward, before there is no more time left, and i'd be an old fogy before i realize it. another voice was still as whiny as ever (whining about the current situation of life, and its unfortunate events)..

if i dont this now..i never will.no one can actually assure me that they have my back because they don't. im actually really alone in this. i've just realized this. yes..in the toilet.

p/s:aside from thinking of my goals that has yet to be fulfilled, ive also thought about how i would look like when my youth has gotten the better of me. im not sure im looking forward to that.

emotional baggage

emotional baggage are just too heavy to be lugged around.they should be dropped off as soon as there's an opportunity to do so.

what's the problem?

"jaga-jaga nanti tangan bengkak", she reminded me the 100th time. we dont say much to each other, but i will forego my own life for them in a heartbeat.

the stares, the odd look they gave them made me boil and mentally stopping myself from going there and yanking the hairs out of their stupid, ignorant head.shut up! so what if they will never be normal?what is normal to you??are YOU normal?you think you're better than them??FAT F***ing CHANCE..

they dont judge like you do, they dont discriminate like you do.tell me who's the better person?piss off.

the ugly phase is over

the mother forego her money set aside for her new clothes so that her daughters could have new ones. "i wished i could give you the things you wanted, you know that". the daughter sulked and stormed upstairs.

the tired mother fryed some chicken, which was one of her daughter's favourite dish, and called her her for dinner, "i fried you some chicken". she replied hastily "im having dinner outside", and grabbed the keys to the old car and drove off. where she spent valuable time that should be spent at home with her friends, that dont even know the names of her sisters.

im not her anymore. i hated that ugly person. no words could describe how sorry i am to have treated you this way. but i could never imganed living without you. you have always been my pillar of strength, and my rock. i wished i could erased those shameful moments in my life, when i made you cry and sad, but i couldnt. i love you more than anything i could imagine, and this is my promise to you, i will never be ugly again.ever.

i love you ibu.

the man i love the most

he handed me the few last 50 notes in his wallet. "take it, at least we all have nasik at home". silence. my lips quivered as i struggled to keep my tears in. if he'd known how much i have changed underneath, i think i'd be breaking his heart over and over again.

this false face im displaying was not intended to hurt you, but its because i love you more than anyone else in the world.

i hope we'll get through this ayah. i love you.

dreaming part 1

i think im somehow blessed with the ability to have awesome dreams when i sleep. not that its always a positive awesome, but sometimes it could be kinda morbid in way that its awesome because its like a story of its own. if i pen down everything ive dreamt before, i think i would have been one of the most successful script or screenplay writer ever. only if im in hollywood or something because i dont really think malaysian viewers can digest the complexity of my dreams, let alone having the budget to produce it...*cewah..cakap macam hebat je...

p/s: last night i dreamt maman, a schoolmate of mine wanted to stab me..i dont even know why..

slamat hari raya

hahaha..i lupe! selamat hari raya everyone!!and maaf zahir....batin tak payah la kan?

seperti biasalah..the rahman clan beraya di kl jah since my grandparents from each side have passed away.but the funny thing was, even when they were still here, we've always celebrated raya in kl.the fact that my family still has a strong utara-accent and prepare utara dishes makes us (the younger generation) somehow remain rooted to our "origin".

this year's celebration seemed somewhat dimmed, maybe because all of us are now grown up, so the spirit of raya is a bit lukewarm.abang adik's kids were a handful and i never thought being an aunt can be a challenging task.

anyhoots..this raya has (in its mysterious ways) peppered me with a speck of maturity and now im glad that ive become more contented with life. life is not always a bed of roses.this took me six years to actually understand its true meaning.my salute to the ones that faces life head-on and say "you cant bring me down!im and immovable object!"~cewah, macam batman la pulak "an unstoppable force meets and immovable object".

though this raya has somehow caused a bit of a strain, im glad it didnt damper my family's spirit.i think im the luckiest person on earth to have such an amazing family. :)

p/s:our jakun-ness of the kampung was one of the reasons why my sisters cycled straight into the bendang when we went back to penang and visited one of tok's relatives (this was light years ago).they thought it was a lush, green open space...budak-budak kota ni....~clucking tongue

new found hobby

ive found a new hobby..blog-hopping..even when i dont even know who the blogger is.there was this one occasion in which i bumped into the "empunya" blog, and i was close to being star-strucked.its like meeting a celebrity of some sort. i mean, of course she doesnt know i exist, but then knowing what her thoughts were, events occuring in her life makes me feel weird.a teeny bit.

does that mean im creepy?does it mean im violating some sort of an unspoken rule or something?

intrigued.that was me.of their lives.of other people's lives.besides mine.oh my god..im even beginning to sound creepy ....

*syaza has since searched for a new hobby as to avoid the awkard realization that she might be a creepy person

kan dah susah

me and my insecurities.why god.why??

i did something that ive never done before in my WHOLE entire life.surfing the boyfriend's exes' page and profile.syaza ko takde keje lain lagi ke ape..amende nak cari masalah. now im feeling all insecure about myself because i know i will never be like them.

aiyeh...

research method-last episode

ill bet everyone is glad to know that my research method class is officially OVER.i just hope i didnt flunk the quiz today..it SUCKED big time..and no more CHE DIN!!HOORAY!!

22

Your birthday is something that you think you own. It is YOUR day. The day you are supposed to feel special. Of course as you grow older, the spiciness of that day sort of just blend in the background of your life, instead of adding zest to that Monday, or whatever day it is like it used to when you were 10 years old. Financial matters do play an important role here, no moolahs, means no extravagant celebration. But then again, money is not so important, in fact its what is around us that makes us feel special. That’s why I’d like to thank my friends, faliq and cousins that wished me happy birthday along with their crazy messages (faliq wished me 5 times whilst kuhaz wished me 3 times..Talk about being nuts..hahaha), J my family for getting my favourite chocolate cake, and mama for bearing with my cake even though she loathes chocolate. And ika and rose for the wonderful nite out at jalan tar. Now I really do feel like an adult, going out to kl at midnight only to return after sahur is quite an adult-ish thing to do J (don’t mind me for my jakun-ness). And the funny thing is my parents are totally okay with it! (On the contrary of a few nights back when faliq and I missed a turning and only reached my house at 3 am). Wow. I really do feel 22 now.

the little bits left

i find myself still visiting his page, his flickr, and his profile.sometimes i wonder if im ever going to get over this.its been 4 months, and still his "moments" are etched in my head.my stupid stupid head.

i shouldnt be the one mourning when im the one who left.but i had to.because i realized that it was beginning to destroy me.inside out.friends have commented how "glowing" i look now, when the truth is, i just cant seem to kick the bucket and get it over and done with.

ach..the heart is a sensitive entity of its own.i wondered of he'd ever had my "moments".i wished him happy, seriously i do.i love him despite the split.but i've found happiness in another.sometimes i think what i did was despicable, leaving him for my own happiness, but i guess ive made the right choice. both of us are thriving in own lives, and we didnt realize that we were the ones dragging each other down.

now tha baggage is gone, so has the sallowness of the face.glowing.that was what acap told me.i was glowing.i hadn't heard that for two years.

the ultimate test

this whole has been a test for us..im not sure if we passed it..but im glad u didnt give up..because i didnt to.

btw..i think ive fallen for you even more :)

fast forward

i remember when i was in the bullet train.peering through the thick glass window, amazed by the speed of the vehicle. the scenery blurred, like life been fast fowarded.

i think thats what im going through now. only im not in a bullet train.ive been idle most of the time.

the tale of taking pictures

A picture can tell a tale of a thousand words. The pictures I took, most of with him, told a story of young adult aspiring to be reputable, note that, not a professional photographer, armed with her old canon powershot A430. She prided herself for being able to snap beautiful pictures without having to do it with an SLR or even an 8 megapixel camera, because her camera was only of 4 MP. And she needn’t to modify of beautify the pictures using any software because it is beautiful just the way it was taken.

She would trudge the streets of KL with him, looking for the best shot. He would be there, supporting her, as always, sharing the moment of when she’d stumble upon tangible moments that ought to be snapped and recorded. He would praise her for her sharp eyes that could always get the best angle, and encourage her passion with promises to buy the best camera and plodded her with photography magazines.

Now that he’s gone, so has the fiery passion of taking the best pictures in the world with the tatty, old camera. The pictures she took were too painful to even look at now, because they told stories of when he was there, smiling and nudging her to go forward. Stories that covered the million times he’d make her cry, times he’d hurt her with his coldness, times when she held on in desperation because she believed that he loved her despite the pain.

Maybe in a couple of years on, she will find the courage to trudge down the streets of KL again. With her powershot in hand and the eye for the best shot, but now her heart needs healing, and faith to believe in herself again, that she will be able to achieve greatness someday, just as he told he before.

Looking back at the pictures, it traced back at the moments of when the best shots would be taken, of kite-flying experiences, of KL streets packed with people, and two lovers bounded by a mutual passion.

emotional b***h

emotions are quite an interesting subject to talk about.people and their emotions go hand in hand that it never strikes me that without these emotions, we'd become somebody we are not today.

why do i have to be jealous of my boyfriend hanging out with his close female pals?why does he have to be jealous when i hang out with my guy friends?when we both are well assured that we love each other, and would never dream of cheating, let alone being with someone else.

why do i still feel something when i come across things that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend?when i know that i am now happier than i was before, he was not meant for me (which was visible in many ways), and the fact that he has already moved on months ago added to the appeal of not wanting to remember your ex.

i could just zip all these in a canvas bag and store it at the back of my head..but noo....i just HAVE to feel all these emotional s**t..aih...im only human i guess

stooopid word challenge

im still waiting for the freaking word challenge to load..pfftt.......anyway...the lab is filled with people trying to whisk away time while waiting for zohor..

i am addicted to facebook games....

late...

i was an hour late for my research method class.thank god its the fasting month.che din had no other option but to be "understanding" with my tardiness and gave me the attendance sheet.well, i did have a valid reason....(the bus at the terminal putra broke down..actually.. all of the buses going to uia broke down, leaving only one available bus...)

which makes me even more pressured to not be angry because this is the fasting month, and of all the time i wanted to use the public transport, today would be the fated day, where 1) im fasting (as of all the whole muslim community worldwide), 2) today is research method class, and 3) we all are well-aware of how "efficient" public transportation is... and i HAD to take the whole 3 mode of transportation, i.e. komuter, lrt, and bus

they should hand it to me to be the most frequent pub.transport user, as compared to my friends. radhi should take note of this.

the search for the perfect one

i have no idea that searching for the perfect baju kurung can be sooooo STRESSFUL...........

you want something that will make you look fab, that no other human being within the radius of your raya visit will wear on the first raya, that will not make you hot and sweaty when you go on your raya rounds (which only leaves us to cotton, if you want to put it that way), and finally, will look extra-expensive even though its not that expensive-o...(because of course, who'd want to wear anything that looks cheap even though you've paid big bux for it?)

i dont even know if im looking forward to Raya...and this is only the first WEEK!!!

cheong gye cheon river

few days back, while whisking time away at mama's house i was surfing through the channel, when i came across Nat Geo, featuring the cheog gye cheon river in their Man Made Marvel program.

now, what caught my interest, aside from the fact that my class will be going to Korea this coming November, was how committed everyone in Seoul was in ensuring that the project came t0 live. you see, cheong gye cheon didn't just went through a water treatment phase to become what it is now, but it was actually buried beneath the earth in the heart of Seoul, with massive elevated highways all over it.

when the seoul community was sick of all the dusts and pollution, they missed the river that was the heart of the city, thus, begin a reclamation period in whereby the elevated highways were actually torn down to make way for the river to be re-surfaced again.

and of course, the usual treatment process in ensuring the water in the river was pathogen-free, and other measures in ensuring that the water level stays that way. and how the whole community came together (even the nenek and makciks) helping to plant trees alongside the river was an amazing display on how the community-participation could help in building the city.

im hoping that malaysians could actually see how important this is in order to make Kuala Lumpur a livable city as what Seoul is right now. can we do this?turning the Klang River into a "recreational area with fresh river water". BAHH

free of assignments for a WEEK!!!

a week full of social obligations, replaced by two heavy assignments by the end of it it one hell of a thing to go through, especially when you're "supposed" to be on a holiday.

now that both assignments are safely in the respective lecturer's room, the biggest worry now is finding the right baju kurung for raya.

owh sheesh..how i wish i can experience this FOREVER.

what were you thinking?

why did you do that??am i just some disposable friend to you?all these while you were someone special to me..and you just had to do that..why??

at least now ive been able to see you in te real light.thanks a lot.

friendship lessons..

i read an old friend's blog and realized how distant we've grown. i bet she wouldn't even understand whatever i wrote in my blog because yes..i am a blog "discriminator". i blog about things that only my closest friends know about.

but to think about the friends that come and go, it saddens me at the fact that i do move on pretty fast. dont get me wrong, that emotional switch button do turns on once in a while, but it doesn't get to me as bad as it used to. i think i have to thank ayam for that. for making me a bit hard on the inside.

moving to bangi taught me a lot of things that i dont think ill ever learn if i were to stay in subang. self-acceptance, family, and the art of being friends for a really LOOONG time, that no matter what happens, "i got your back" phrase will be a normal thing to say.

being in uia taught me that friends reflect who you really are and the beautiful secret of complementing each other.. as well as forgiving one's mistakes..believe me....we have gone through a LOOOONNNNGG way just to learn that one right.

having friends are easy, staying friends is hard work. i think all it takes is the effort we make.

i miss them already

my two girlfriends have just graduated. this is it then..this formally shows that whatever association they have with uia is now over......ALAHHHHH......

guys..congratulations...i love you guys always!!UIA IS SUCH A F***ED PLACE WITHOUT THE TWO OF YOU!!!!!

you

the cuddling and talking was one of the things i remember most about you. you are one special guy do you know that?

today's class

well...my research method class today went pretty well..i think che din was in quite a good mood..because 1, i was not the target of his customary verbal abuses (in fact there was none to anyone today)..and 2, he even joined us for breakfast during the break.

i think he was pretty happy with the quiz results. i was about to get to that..hehehe...i passed!!!woot woot!!in fact i think everyone passed. and i got a B!

and i was even on the verge of liking che din today(i meant as liking him as my fav lecturer....NOT in any other way...PLEASE)

the loss of my bestfriend

i have yet to come terms with the loss of my bestfriend. the easiest way to deal with it is by keeping the emotional bursting shut and i was off to a fine day ahead.

i still havent found a way to express my "inner" feelings. i hope my head is still okay.

first encounter

he came after the yasin recitation ended. with his high songkok, and goody-two-shoes, clean linen clothes, he looked like the exemplary UIAM student. (but of course he isnt)

"wuih, like pierre andre", anti ana nudged me. i almost choke in my tawar sirap. and the fact that she introduced him to my dad (who loathes pierre andre) as pierre andre was ......comical to put it short.

he ate until he was stuffed. waiting for my mother to come back from a friend's kenduri. i was too busy with whatever chore anti ana shouted at me, so he was keeping himself occupied watching me, and the rest of the family members. my sisters had a good laugh when i poked him (and he twitched like he always do). and mama couldnt recognized him because he was wearing his Tunku Abdul Rahman songkok (or so that's what he calls it)

my cousins had a good round of calling him a skema boy to his face, while he laughed and called my cousin an old lady. everyone was in a jolly mood. even when my mom came back, and said "if you can put up with her, i salute you", still everyone laughed jovially.i think that should count as something right?

well faliq hakim, welcome to the Rahman's family. the worse is about to come

friendship vs. boyfriend

i have to admit that i have this habit of being too "involved" with my relationship that i tend to "overlook" the hanging-out-with-friends part. my biggest regret was when anne came back last year and i only get to see her once. my excuse was? too busy (which was partially true, but most of the time i was too busy snogging ayam).

how did i let this get between me and my friends?im not sure myself.i guess it sort of happened unconciously that by the time you actually realized it, two years have passed. i dont think i want that to happen.and this year, i missed her birthday bash which was not due to me snogging faliq, but because of the stoopid impian meeting).

and the fact that my previous boyfriend dont really fancy the idea of hanging out with my buddies sort of put a strain there. i should actually learn my lesson when that happened. who in this world would want to go out with a guy who hates your friends?well, love blinded me (like a LOT). and this is my heartfelt apology.

now im trying to revive what's lost.some friends have stopped altogether from asking me out. and some even grew distant. please give me a chance to remedy this.

p/s: thank you faliq for making the effort to hang out with my friends. you dont know how much that means to me. i love you baby.

life is okay so far.

im a spontaneous idealist.wow.somehow i dont know if i can actually categorize myself to be in any particular group..because i find myself a mixture of almost everything.im not quiet..but there are somethings that i reserve to myself..i love meeting new people, but mostly i enjoy spending time with a small group of close friends.

whew...anyways...che dins class today was almost breeze-like.i came late for the quiz, but i think i did better than the 1st quiz last sem...hope so :)

so..two quizzes down..another one to go....then ill be off to meet my baby :)

che din's class part3

yesterday's class with che din of course didnt go well.but by the time he was hurling his routine verbal abuses, i have already switched myself to a numb mode.even his threats to fail me again fell on deaf ears.my deaf ears.

sometimes i wonder what did i ever do to aggravate the old man.

im a superstar

this month alone im bogged down with 5 assignments, continous quizzes every week, and a hell lot of events/activites to attend.

i feel like a star :) hahahaha

but anyway, just to recap whatever happened last week, the drums festival was a blast. hanging out with your close girlfriends adds to it. being close to your lover is another thing, and last but not least, being able to spend your time with your family is the greatest. although i was given the task to become the family's driver, i was happy nonetheless to be able to "berkhidmat" to my mum.

happy belated birthday ibu.i love you.always.

you are one special guy

thank you for being here. and for making the effort to get to know my friends.i love you.

today's class

my class with che din have just ended, and i could safely say that this week's class went pretty well. at least i wasnt his favourite bull's eye for any cynical remarks or whatever that he has in mind today.

and to add to my vocab, as i am not aware that my collection in the usage of words are not as extensive as the others around me, i have come across a new word or a phrase if you may put it, its magnum opus, which is in latin, meaning being perfect.

HEBAT kan?

*i really think ive become obssessed with my classes with che din, and the need to widen my vocabulary*

im not a friendly blogger

i blog about personal things. i blog about things that only close friends of mine could decipher what i was raving about. i realized that im not a very "friendly" blogger.

*this is after i read afiq deen's blog.his blog is like WOW.*

words...phfft...

its amazing how my friends seem to have a larger-than-life vocab.

and the only word that i can think of that sounds complicated enough is espetada. i dont even know if its in the dictionary..

hold..im checking my trusty collins..

nope..i just realized that espetada is a meal from nandos.

fasting yang tak jadi

i was supposed to fast today, but i batal already. why?because kaed cafe's smell of ayam goreng is just too tempting..yes..i gave in to temptation (which was one is supposed to overcome when fasting) and to know that i gave in to kaed's food is even more pathetic (lain lah kalau depan mata i ade cinnabon ke, j.co ke)

so now i have to re-fast balik (if there is such a word) tomorrow. and to think that i have a class with che din and prof mansor tomorrow will definitely test my patience and my ability to stop cursing. we'll see.

home sweet home

"Malaysia is full of big dreams yang memang takkan sampai instead of being practical and rational"- Nina

i could actually agree with her on that. we see mega projects that will only be feasible in a 5 year period but will later on be a white elephant, we see big bucks spent on making Malaysia look good for now (the "save Sufiah campaign" which still made me wonder why the hell do we have to be busybodies when she's not even a Malaysian citizen), but disregarding the later part of the years, where it will later on be an eye sore and a freaking waste of money (such as the sports village that was built for commonwealth).

why Malaysia why? why do you have to ignore us, the Malaysians who have been your true supporters all these while, but are not getting the love we deserve from you. if this is your way of increasing the Malaysian spirit by making all this flashy projects just so we could be proud of you, I'd think you're being a bit too transparent and shallow on this aren't you?

LOSER

i woke up early today.thats a miracle even for me.i did my laundry (3 weeks worth of it!) and i was actually hoping i could eat my cereals..but tak sempat.aiyeh....

omg..why am i blogging about this??(im becoming quite a loser lah)

where is the lecturer??

im in the lab...and ive been here for half an hour waiting for the lecturer (che din, the cause of my misery last week).

everyone came early only to wait for half an hour doing nothing.even the guys came early.(wajdi in particular..he never does..)

so,..im bidding my time before i can actually get out of here.

just so you know

I read about how the Palestinians are driven out of their homes. Just to make way for jewish settlers that came in hordes into their own soil. I read about how they are marginalized in their very own country, discriminated even if they pay the taxes, deprived from their rights to have the basic necessities in life, because of the judaization of Jerusalem. I should be thankful that I live peacefully in my own country, away from bullets ripping through the wall when im asleep. I am thankful I was given the chance to study and choose my own course of life, instead of being shut out from getting the chance to be educated. I am grateful I am who I am.

The Jews are not only driving out Muslims, but Christians as well. They claimed that they have the right to the land, because David built it for them. For only what? 77 years? The muslims have ruled the land for 4 centuries! And so did the Christians for almost 1 century! Where did you get it in your head that this is YOUR land? Are you stupid? Cant you do maths? You’re not even really jewish! You’re of EUROPEAN descent! You’re not of david’s or moses’s bloodline! What in the world are you talking about? The caananites or should I say, the lawful descent of the philistines and caananites, which are the Palestinians are the RIGHTFUL people to stay. You know, karma does not apply to Buddhist teachings only, its actually common sense in all religion. God is watching, and he is only bidding His time. Just so you know.

at this point of time

At this point of time, when you’ve come to the intersection in the choices you make in life, you are often left to wonder if the choices you make will scar you for life. the answer? Yes it will. but there is one thing that I hold on to. Don’t look back. Never look back and regret the choices you made. In this way, it will never scar you.

I don’t think I will ever be 100% happy. That is the fact that I have to live with. I’m so good with building walls around myself that I managed to kick everyone out of my life. The only ones who stayed are of course, my family. Because that is what family do. They stick with you even if you’re a nutcase. And that left me wondering to myself, why couldn’t I stick by my father? Instead of throwing my arms up in defeat and blaming him for fucking up the whole family, why couldn’t I just hold my breath and say,” its okay ayah, we’ll get through this”. I don’t know if ill ever reach that level of maturity. Everyday I pray to God for something that I will never own, and that has often left me with a feeling of resentment and resulted to my diminishing faith in God. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I hate who I’ve become. I am not brought up to be this ugly.

I am 22 for God’s sake. It’s about time I grow up.

kaed, i love you.

i have this itch of running around kaed while screaming at the top of my lungs.i had this itch yesterday while i was in che din's class.amazing how a concrete building can exhume so much pressure and automatically produce whatever hormones that causes depression to the students in it.

i think im even more depressed by the fact that now im eating lunch alone because nina and radhi is not in my classes, ku and sue are graduating this august, and ida is far far away from kaed.

yeah, it is amazing how one stooopid building can be the cause of your grief for today.

im happy but i hope you are too

i think this is the time for me to heave a sigh of relief as a sign of being contented with life. i have almost everything i wanted in life.im blessed with good fortunes and i praise God for bestowing me with happiness.

but i still miss you.this is normal isn't it?i won't look back.but i do think about you.i hope you are well.

my eating experience

yesterday i ate a kfc chicken chop meal in 5 minutes. and i literally finished eveything (because i was late for a movie)

the other day when my dad sent me to uia, i have already eaten my lunch when i was suddenly overcome by a sudden craving for chocolate sundae (i blame mcd for having hundreds of cawangan and the hot weather). so when my dad stopped by at the melati mcd, they just HAD to tell me that the sundae machine rosak..and what was i supposed to do?you cant go out of mcd empt handed right?you just HAVE to buy something!so i did.i bought french fries..even if it was only 20 minutes before i had my lunch.

today,i ate my usual nasi+ayam goreng+sambal belacan.okay..i was already back to my normal digestion pattern..when "suddenly", ida just HAD to take us to mancongkam..and what the hell was i supposed to do?i couldnt just sit there and do nothing!nobody goes to mancongkam and do nothing!i had to eat!..so yeah..to put it easier,i have finished 2 plates of rice with chicken in no less than an hour apart from each meal.

i dont know what the hell is wrong with my stomach these days.but im not really keen on seeing the syaza who gained 20 kgs.f**************

i dont know why i did it..but i did

i may not have the exact answer everyone was expecting. but i do know that i am happy.yes..i dreamt about him once in a while, and soemtimes the void i felt for him would resurface after being deleted from my body system.it happens.memories cannot be erased..unless you have alzheimer of something.

i dont know if it matters to anyone that i am happy now.i am eating well (even taking some kailan once in a while) and i am healthy.

im glad i have friends who wish the best for me.the ones who stick by me whatever my decision is.thank you.

goodbye first love

i fell in love.and that is a crime.because ive hurt the second most important person in my life.i am flawed.

i have always loved you.you were my soul, the reason why i woke up smiling each morning.you came close to perfect.

your laugh,your touch, your smile.they are magical.they could still make my heart flip.

it kills me to do this to you.but i couldnt lie to myself.and you.you deserve to be happy.i love you.always will.

be happy rahime.

the beginning of the end..

i am in need of something to hold on to.because i dont even know if what i believe in before this will work this out the way i want to.

you will never forgive me for this.but this is something i have to do on my own.i will not hear your voices anymore.i will hear mine for a change.

i hope you will be happy in the future.

waiting

i wanted so badly to believe what you told me.each day the belief diminish, until what is left is only a tinge of hope that what you said might come true.

i dont know if i can wait anymore.

accreditation

had the chance to bitch about the lecturers..but didnt...

damn..i missed the cue!

*but i guess that wouldve been ungrateful,seeing that i have become a learned person, as compared to myself 3 years ago.

night out for lala

4 girls of different backgorund, personalities and lifestyle.
somehow shares a strong bond that is just to difficult to describe in words.

and a flat tyre.

thanks girls.you guys really made my day :)

from the play "how i learned to drive"

the other day i watched a play about an 11 year old girl who was sexually abused by her uncle. he loved her too much, and she actually accepted it in a sort of twisted way...Pravin(Ashaari's friend) said it takes two to tango..in this play maybe, but in real life, that's just plain bullshit. little girls arent even aware of their sexual attraction until they get boobs and menstruate.and it is kinda sad that things like these do happen in reality.

i was a victim.so many times.i wanted to put a blank page everytime i came around to this chapter of my life.but i couldnt.because it did happen.and there was no way i could erase it.i kept thinking that if i voiced out, others will get hurt by it.and it was a painful lesson to learn that i cant please everyone, because in the end, i had to pay the price.

lesson learned.keeping your mouth shut is definitely not the best idea.

sad phase should be replaced soon

i dont want to cry anymore
i want to stop crying
crying are for babies

she needs to know this

syaza needs to grow up.she needs to know that she should stop blaming everyone else for her unhappiness.she needs to know that life does not wait for cowards like her.she should stop hoping for things that will never come true.

maybe this is the time for you to fade away.

your deal

i dont think i will ever fit into the qualifications you've ste upon me.sometimes it hurts knowing that you will never be happy with who i am.sometimes the question of whether if this is worth the wait crept in, but it usually is overcome by my belief that our fate is indeed intertwined.

i guess im having a hard time accepting the fact that is shoved into my face.you will never be happy with me.

what??

beats me to know what you're thinking.im not a freaking psychic.

batting cage day

day out with no definite location in mind.wandering aimlessly and finally to the batting cage.

i bruised my finger, had an aching back for days, and i guess i actually had fun hitting the balls :)