summary of life that moved too fast to savour

How can I sum up all the things that has happened in my life? I cant. Life moved as quick as a lightning with a burning desire to retain what I had, felt, or experienced; and yet I know the only way I can go now is forward.

My GEMS experience is one that I will never forget. I don’t regret joining the program because what I gained in return is much more rewarding than the prior desire to get the allowance allocated for us participants. I pushed myself to become more than I was before. I was more outgoing, expressive, and active. I participated in events I never knew I would, such as public speaking. I gained new knowledge and skills that will benefit me in the future, and last but not least, I gained good friends that I hope will last me a lifetime. The late-night mamak visits, karaoke, bowling during lunchtime, and even swimming with the four boys had given me memories that I will treasure for life.

And now im in Johor, under the YES trainee program for UEM Land. A big transition from the busy city life in KL to a new one in Johor, Gelang Patah to be exact. I have to admit that im not made of stone. I have only been here for 4 days, and I miss my home like crazy. The impending thought that I will remain here permanently almost exhaust my tears. But I know deep down is I have to do this for my family. For myself. To push myself to a new territory that I never know of before, to challenge myself. I can definitely do this.

Before I left, I was given the opportunity to enjoy the company of my friends. In GEMS, they held a small going-away party for bob and i. the geng larut malam even took me out for a last mamak visit for my favourite roti canai garing. I had the lala session with me ex-roomies and it was great catching up. And last but not least, my ring of friends that I will always treasure, mizi, nina and radhi, along with their respective partners, hahaha. The dinner at klcc was as casual as ever, as if it was not a goodbye, just a reassurance that things will always remain this way. Nothing will ever change. And the same goes to my relationship with faliq. Things will remain steadfast as ever.

On my first day, I received countless calls and sms-es from friends, families and the other haf asking how I was doing. Mizi, nina, shahir, zura, nad, ika, my parents, and my faliq. Thank you for your concerns. I love you guys.

p/s: two tutors (en. Ismail and Tuan Faiz) has told me that I will do well here in UEM. I should proof to them that they’re right, right?

my boyfriend the yakuza

this is faliq and i when we first started dating. notice how he looks clean and nice



this is faliq's look right now. mizi said he looks like a yakuza, seconded by sue.

public speaking is scary

yesterday was the preliminary round for public speaking. so..if you all must know, GEMS will be having their talent day competition this saturday. and guess what? i got to be one of three finalists for public speaking!!!!!!

omg, when i think of speaking in public, it gives me quivers that can cause me countless trips to the toilet. no need to elaborate on that, i think everyone knows what happened. it'd be an awful lie if i say that i was not happy. out of 11 very good speakers, i managed to become one the three enlisted to the finals :)

so thank you gems for boosting my self-confidence and improving my skill in speaking in the speaking in the public :) (macam promo ad je kan?)

this is really good

khairun got me this when she went to australia last month..hahaha..im laughing at the irony of it

sad of leaving

after being here for 3 weeks, im starting to get attached to this place. GEMS i mean. i think its the people. its quite refreshing to meet new people, and finally doing something after being cooped up for so long watching nothing but spongebob.

during my first few weeks, my roomate, tika, and i played bowling almost everyday (yes, we have a bowling area here), and i got a spare and a strike! tak percaya?tgk la score board nanti..(we bowled in our baju kurungs)

and my groupmates are a hell of a bunch. they're loud and its not hard to get attached to them. :)

ill be sad when the time comes for me to leave this place. :'(

afraid

im scared. im shitless scared. of moving to johor. what if i had a late night craving of roti canai? whose going to teman me to the mamak restaurant? and ika told me the mamak over there are bloody expensive. how am i supposed to counter this???how how how?

im scared because im uncertain. but at the same time, im excited. to proof myself. to proof that i am capable of anything. i am excited because this is one step to a dream ive always had.

but i there are a lot of things i'll miss. persons. and routines. and the familiarity. its scary how easily people are able to move on and get on with their lives.

last saturday, the night before my graduation, i spent the day with faliq. i cried as i think of the uncertainties ahead of me, it scares me that finally, i will be on my own.

last sunday was my graduation day. it signalled the end of my relationship with IIUM. the past few days was filled with a whirlwind of events that i didnt have time to reflect upon my life, especially on one of the biggest days of my life.

as i returned the robe yesterday, i couldnt help being overwhelmed with emotions, and held back my tears as i drove out of the university. it was somehow my sanctuary for 4 years, through thick and thin, it was one of the only unchanged force in my life. and here i was, feeling as if i was forced to evict this comfort zone of mine.

i saw how proud my parents were, their eldest daughter, finally finishing a phase of her life and about to embark on a new journey elsewhere. they went through the trouble to get me the perfect bouquet and bear. they made sure they had saved enough so that the whole family could take pictures together at the studio.

it wasnt just an ordinary day for me. it was a day i could finally put an end note to a chapter of my life, a day i made my dear parents proud, a day i became stronger.

dah jadi graduan betul2!!

I have officially graduated from IIUM!!! pictures will be uploaded later :)

tak payah cover2- cakap je la

when i was a kid, i used to think that jalan mati was a road where ada orang pernah mati. i remember being overly spooked when my two adult cousins took a wrong turning,and faced with a dead end. "eh, jalan mati", they said as they took a minute to reverse the car. the headlight was pointing towards a playground, and it was at night. i kept imagining someone getting shot at the very end of the road, and how did my cousins knew it was this particular road was completely amazing.

kids, they are so blunt, straighforward, and naive that even when you were being sarcastic, or probably have a different meaning than whatever you just said, ill give you a 100 bucks that they wont notice it.

maybe these are one of things we should learn from kids.

hendak pergi

the prospect of moving to johor is quite BESAR at the moment. suddenly i panicked, saddened and a whole lot of different feelings, mixed together that makes your stomach hurl and causes you to cry.

my mum was against the idea of me relocating, even though deep in her heart she knows that she cannot win this one, if so my rezeki is in johor, then so be it. but i will miss the life i will leave behind, but i will definitely look forward to a new one :)

the interview with UEM

well, what can i say? PUTERI HARBOUR WAS GORGEOUS! despite the almost non-exitent human presence in Nusajaya (alah, tempat tak habis develop lagi kan..) i have a feeling that it will turn out to be a beautiful place :)

singapore is only 400m away from puteri harbour, and it is their military exercise zone. okay..hopefully there will be no stray bombs coming our way..

i had to apply for a 3days leave from GEMS..(pumps fist in the air) seronok betul dapat cuti ni..hahahaha...

anyhoo, this interview will provide me with the biggest opportunity working with UEM.. >.< *sigh..

im 23!!!!!!

the day the registration for the GEMS programme, was my birthday. it felt like any other day, only this time it has a little bit of zest and cheer to it because you feel special.

i wished my camera didnt conked out, or i would've taken the picture of the cake my mum baked for me, complete a "happy birthday" icing. recieved calls and smses from friends and cousins, and not to mention the facebook wishes, that i could only access to 2 days after my birthday.

the day was completely filled with activities and by the end of the day, i couldnt even enjoy the limitless calls to other maxis number. :( but nevertheless, it was a great birthday, because people remembered :)thank you guys :D

today is not my day, definitely

Arrived in uia, at 11.30, hoping to get all this clearance shit out of my way before i collect my robe this coming saturday. ooohhhh...walking to Mahallah Asiah is a challenging task. it takes 15 minutes to walk to asiah from the bus stop opposite the engineering faculty (i didnt know how i did it back then).

how was i to know that this university is soooo GENEROUS in giving extra holidays to their "hard-working" staffs. imagine my surprise when i arrived at the office, only to be entertained by one single staff, who didnt have any authority to clear my status! APPARENTLY, the WHOLE office was on EMERGENCY LEAVE. what is this? this is not the first time this happens! imagine some students who are already working and having to take leave just to do their clearance and be faced with this RIDICULOUS situation. "adik datang la esok eh"..amboi2..senang nye nak suruh aku datang esok..esok aku dah start training la kak, kat rawang plak tu, khamis nak kene pegi johor.. sabtu aku dah kene amik robe..habis bile tahun aku nak clear sume bende ni???!!!dah dapat seminggu cuti pun tak cukup ke??oh my god.i really am speechless...


so..with the bad luck of not being able to clear my status at the mahallah, automatically i cant clear my status at security, hence, i will not be able to get my transcript as i expected. *sigh...im seriously loss for words. only god knows how i feel right now

okay sekarang, 1. UIA patut, buat clearance tu kat satu tempat je.biar senang settle sume bende
2. tak pun, kalau nak cuti pun, bagi la staff2 lain yang ade authority tu jgn cuti, at least biarkan seorang ade, macam finance tu, sentiasa ade orang boleh buat clearance, kan ke efficient tu..tak professional lansung. and thoroughly selfish.
3. clearance ni tak payah buat lansung. berape hutang, bayar je kat finance, habis cerita. tak payah nak tergedik2 pegi ke setiap tempat nak mintak signature.

kalau ade orang uia baca, please take note of my wonderful suggestions. this is definitely a constructive criticism, because you have to admit, your service sucks. so if you want to ban me for voicing out my displeasure, please admit that you are at fault too.

lantern kid

when i was a kid, i had a lantern shaped of a fish made of polythene foil. i practically had to beg my parents to buy it during the chinese lantern festival. i didnt have anyone to play with at the time, my being growing up in kj, i had little friends back home.

so there i was. running around in my small yard with my gold-fish lantern, and i was the happiest kid alive.

i wished i could be satisfied with just a lit lantern now. oh how life was so simple back then. you had little needs, and the smallest things in life makes you the happiest person on earth.

keje keje..lalalala

dah dua kali sign in kat blog, but is left with a blank head, and later signing off without posting anything.

this year's raya is a bit lukewarm as compared to last year. a lot of things happened that might leave us, family, a bit reluctant to celebrate. however, a lot of blessings from Allah have been on our doorsteps that i am every bit thankful as well.

i will be starting my GEMS (Govt. Employability Management Scheme) training soon, on the 29th to be exact, which will be on my birthday *groans. and on the 1st of october, i will be heading to johor for an interview with UEM. *wish me luck!!

hopefully by next raya, i will be able to give duit raya instead of receiving it ;)

Indah khabar dari rupa

I guess ive always had insecurity issues that can sometimes go beyond help. it wasnt just with the current boyfriend..but all of my previous bfs encountered a series of insecurity issues which was not very helpful to the relationship and to my self-confidence.

the current relationship has seen my insecurities go out of the window and slapping me in the face thousands of times. well, a lot had to do with the people around my bf who expected him to date another model-like person, only to be surprised by a selekeh dwarf-like figure by the name of NUR SYAZA!

however, past experiences has taught me that physical appearances does not count (okay, it does a bit la..) but its the heart that really matters. and if you dont love yourself, how can others?righttttt????

betul la jugak ape orang kate.cliche banyak mane pun, its actually true. ive seen my self suffer the worst case of insecurities only to see my own self being compromised and moulded into someone i was not.

jadi kawan2..just do whatever the hell that u please.kalau anda nak pakai tudung, pakai lah..walaupun orang disekeliling bilang anda lagi lawa tak pakai tudung..yang penting, anda yang nak pakai :)

dads and their rules

i came back at 1.36 am last night. and just as i expected, my dad was still downstairs watching the television, when in actual fact, he wasnt really watching the tv, he was actually waiting for me to come back home.

we've had numerous arguments about my curfew, which im guessing is quietly being moved earlier by the day. the weirdest thing was when i was in my high school, or during my uni days, he doesnt mind if i come home later than midnight. i thought it should be the other way around. as u grow older, your parents' clutches on you loosens, right?

but all in all, im actually touched that he still cares about my whereabouts. he calls when im still not home, he makes sure im safely at home before going to bed, and never fails to let me know that he is worried about me (although it can be a tad annoyng when he goes on talking about me getting robbed and raped by mat rempits).

he wont even let me stay on my own if i do get a job later in the near future (hopefully :p ) until i get married. *sigh* dads and their overprotective rules on their daughters eyh?

nak senyum kat strangers ke tak

how is it that people are able to find each other and know one another? how do they know that this stranger in front of them isnt their soulmate.

i find it amazing that some people are so friendly and at ease at talking to strangers. i have encountered several occasions where a complete stranger came up to me and strike a conversation and left such a deep impact in my life.

i cant even manage a smile at strangers. let alone talking. i saw this ad about a toothless guy who didnt want to smile to anyone. because..well..he's missing quite a few in the front..if you know what i mean..

but how would you know that random guy who spoke to you a while back is not a psychotic killer or rapists?

aiyoh..people these days are so bogged down by misconceptions and suspicions it destroys the very thread of making new friends.

maybe i should really start smiling. senyumlah..budaya tu menunjukkan bangsa kan..

how to not feel sorry for yourself..

when faced with people who has a habit of putting you down, intentionally or unintentionally, it is normal to feel a bit downtrodden, or worse, feeling sorry for yourself. i learnt a useful tip to counter this feeling, without having to buat dosa by cursing the person, or harbour any hasad dengki;

firstly, create a list of your own accomplishments, or what you like about yourself that you think others do not (of course this is easy, because you are special in your own unique way);

for e.g., this is my list of accomplishments (i just stick to 5, you can list more if you want to):

1. I managed to complete my project paper within the duration of 8 weeks only without having to extend to a full semester
2. I did a project paper based on a topic that i wanted, not because it is easier, or i can just get it over and done with..and didnt give up when faced with challenges such as when a particular lecturer refused to be my supervisor and even bumped me to another one because he hated my topic.
3. and still managed to get an A- even though intially i faced challenges of lecturers refusing to be my supervisor because of my not-so-conventional topic.
4. I managed to mantain my grades at 3.0 and above even though i failed a subject once.
5. The dean invited me to present my project paper for an upcoming Universal Design seminar that will be held this December

yes, i agree that so far, my accomplishments are purely academical, and i am confident i will achieve more once i start working. anyway, back to the topic, read the list each time you feel down, or start to feel sorry for yourself, keep a small note in your bag if it will help. and read it before you go to sleep.

trust me, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself, and will definitely have a new zeal in each of your step :)

refound faith

spending my days reading the quran and literatures on islam has somehow made me found my faith that were slowly diminishing over the years. ramadahan is indeed a special month. reflecting on my past actions and how i felt, reacted to situations thrust upon me, has made me realized how far i have gone astray in just 5 years time. the irony of this is it happened while i was a student at reknowned islamic university.

i am calmer, mature and more susceptible to change these days. i learnt that although i might be less fortunate than my peers, there are others out there who are in a much dire situation than i am in.

God is Great indeed. it (faith) was there all along. only i didnt realize it.

ni dah tahap takde keje giler dah ni

i would usually spend my nights being awake until sahur. thus, the routine of surfing through the channels while waiting for the clock to strike 4 begins. since i do not have astro (yes, i am one of 1% malaysia's population which do not have astro, thank you very much), the choices of the channels goes down to only two channels which airs 24 hours tv programme, TV1 & TV2. you must be thinking, "poor syaza, it must be hard to watch these government channels that airs complete bollocks". but u are wrong indeed (although the prospect of having astro, which has 5-7 educational channels such as discovery channel, nat.geo, travel and living, etc. u get the idea, is very tempting indeed).

it has taught me that despite ridiculous scripts, and completely horrible acting, there is substance in the dramas aired on tv2 (i usually stick to tv2 because tv1 airs terawih session in Mekah, anda pun akan berbuat begitu jika berada di tempat saya). like the "The Love Circle", it shows how friendship and acceptance is beyond race, because it doesnt matter anymore, now that we are all 1Malaysia. In "Fatimah Najwa", the lesson is, dont be a psychotic stalker, your suitor will find you creepy and annoying until he has to take a detour around the neighbourhood just to avoid you.

but i strongly recommend the drama "Paz Ah-Bahrn (After the rain, in Iranian)". yes! you guessed it right!its an Iranian drama! the casts are all talented and good looking, the plot is great, and its nice to listen to a foreign language for a change.

ayam berkokok kembali

how do you react when a friend told you that ur ex is getting married?

a. mata terbeliak and mulut ternganga
b. menangis uncontrollably because u still miss him and wish he'll come back to you, because no one can ever be good enough for him except for you (ni bapak pompous giler)
c. berkata "wow"
d. tidak terkata apa2 sambil menahan senyum fake

saya pilih c. hahaha..as much as it surprises me, im happy for him, a little stunned, because i can never imagine him getting married so soon, but happy for him. its due time anyway. :)

hey, orang tua, semoga anda berbahgia hingga ke anak cucu ;)

MERDEKA!!

In conjunction with Merdeka, I think it will only be fitting for me to write something about Merdeka. I’m quite a loyal follower of a Chinese drama, “The Love Circle”, in which one of the casts is an Indian speaking fluent Chinese, with a number of Malays playing their colleagues at the office. Although the story can go a tad haywire and a bit nonsensical, I find it refreshing to watch a drama that shows what Malaysia is all about. Different races and cultures merging to become one identity is a recipe many countries have tried to adopt, yet fail miserably. We, as Malaysians should be proud that we are all housed under one roof without your neighbour of different race trying to torch your house, or commit discriminatory acts that violates your right to have a peaceful and normal life.

Don’t just blindly promote 1 Malaysia just because the PM says so, do it because you believe in it (This goes to RTM, which suddenly goes on a blind rampage of having all programmes with lame “keharmonian bangsa” theme that was never aired before this). Race should never have become an issue, especially in a country like Malaysia. We are where we are now because of this strong unity. Let us not give in to dirty, unscrupulous political tactics adopt by wannabe politicians out to have a miniscule moment in the limelight. Let’s just be Malaysians who enjoys nasi lemak, char kuey teow and roti canai that we have always been.

p/s: shame on those who politicized religion and race for their own personal gains, have they no common sense at all?? ever heard of compromise and tolerance? look it up in the dictionary stupid

berbuka sama2

the nice thing about ramadhan is it gives you an excuse to meet old friends you havent met for the longest time to catch up again for "berbuka".

Nina, i havent seen you in awhile, and i miss you! make sure we berbuka sama2 during merdeka tau like you mentioned! we'll round up the gang (sape je pun kan, radhi and mizi) and catch up k?

Ramadhan nak dekat dah

Ramadhan is inching near..and i have yet to finish my ganti puasa.. (hari-hari kene marah oleh ibu sebab suka put it off till the very last minute)..and sangat tak sabar nak puasa because ramadhan is awesome! I'll get my dose of Jejak Rasul, bazaar ramadhan yang banyak makanan (ooohhhh...terliur nye) and last but not least, no hantu!!yay!!!

im going for an interview for the Government Employment Scheme tommorrow morning, which will see that if i do become successful, i will stand a chance to work with government - linked companies such as UEM, Khazanah, and etc.

i am beyond nervous, but it feels good to be remembered that you've sent an application and actually recieve a reply in return..hahaha..(sarcastic nak mampos)..

last sunday Faliq came to my relative's kenduri, and i was bombarded with the usual, annoying, and utterly pointless question, "Bila nak kahwin?"..aiyoh....penat la...

I saw sparks

Whenever i look at my old pictures, it makes me feel old. Looking at my once youthful, bright face leaves me feeling jaded, and somewhat regrettable of mistakes i could have undo, or mend things over. But i am every bit glad of how my life has turned out so far. I have amazing friends, friends whom you are so thankful to be able to call them the ‘f’ word in your entire mundane life. I might not have that many friends, but i know i have great handful of friends whom i could count on. Friends who don’t judge, friends who makes you feel at home, friends who do not impose their set of values upon you, but lets you know the other side of the story nonetheless, friends who is behind you 100% even when you chose a less popular choice in life. For now I am with this amazing guy, who might not be as perfect as I wanted him to be, but I know in each and every action that he makes, he loves me dearly, and so do i; I don’t regret taking that leap to find him, because to me, to gain something that is valuable, will come with some costs, and consequences. I have a family that I will forever be in love with. My parents might not be the most liberal parents there are, but they have been my biggest supporter and rock. They had assured me that I will forever be loved, even if I become a bum and decide to not work for the rest of my life. I have two great sisters, who might be learning disabled, but is never short of love. They never judge and have never made me feel so stupid that I wish others could see how beautiful they are.

not a gig-virgin anymore

I realized that it takes a whole two minutes for my laptop to fully load itself.
Okay...

I had my first experience of going to a gig last Wednesday, which was a charity gig at KLIUC. Now, from my very own understanding, please feel free to correct me if im wrong, a gig is a mini concert held in a small, enclosed area; whilst a concert is a HUGE musical performance held at a HUGE, WIDE, OPEN SPACE. So, yeah, last Wednesday was my first experience of going to a gig because the Hoobastank concert and the two Rock-The- World concerts i went to was definitely not a gig.

Anyway, back to my gig-going experience, i would say it was very much a tame, controlled and passive experience. There was no jumping, mosh-pit involvements, tolak2 with sweaty people; because, firstly, i spent the first couple of hours sitting on the floor at the back of the hall with my friends, as well as standing outside the hall as faliq and iqram had a few puffs. And the rest of the evening were spent sitting at the vip seat because we knew the PC (which was Amin who is Azreen’s boyfriend and Azreen happens to be Renee’s cousin a schoolmate of mine when i was schooling in Subang), and knew one of the performers (Syahrul from the band Love Me Butch who is a friend of Faliq and the rest of his Studio gang whose wedding in Terengganu i went to) which added to the advantage of being able to get a seat at the VIP section, away from the crowd (when all i really wanted was to be with the crowd, feeling the hype and jumping around like crazy jumping beans).

The bands who performed that night was great, especially the more popular ones like Love Me Butch and Bunkface, and Caprice (haha, who would’ve thought Caprice has a huge fan base at KLIUC?) as they really connect with the crowd. Another band worth mentioning was The Otherside Orchestra, the vocalist was a mind-blowing singer (i fell in love with her because im half-lesbian takdelah joking lawak bodoh je, and her songs instantly).
So, all in all, it was a great night, so much for fretting over what i should wear huh? When it happened to be such a mellow affair after all (haha sue, sia-sia je i poyo piker nak pakai ape,pakai slipper pun takpe sebenarnya). But i don’t think i lost to those gig-going-girls-who-oozes-the-i’ve-been-to-gigs-millions-of-times-aura because i think they just look plain ridiculous. i mean come on, who goes to gigs wearing a barely there skirt and killer platform heels? (Them obviously, those girls yang name panjang sgt nak sebut) (owh and sue, nasib tak pakai baju checkered sebab berlambak giler minah pakai). I went back at 3.30 am with a sore throat, a great memory of a first gig, and a major repercussion from ayah the next day for coming home so late.

p/s: syahrul cakap tengok gaya macam bukan first time je pegi gig. I think maybe it’s because of the way I hollered and got overly excited at times (especially when sam the vocalist of bunkface got down from the stage and walked towards the crowd).

gara-gara ah1n1

my eyes grew watery and my body temperature was 38.8 celsius. they made me wait for 3 and a half hours just so they could take my blood samples and check if i was free of AH1N1. as i lolled in and out of conciousness, i asked the nurse when my would be my turn only to be harped back rudely saying i needed to wait for an hour to get the results of my blood samples, when two persons who took their blood samples had already went in and out of the clinic less than 10 minutes.

maybe these nurses needs to learn some manners and general courtesy, but i was too sick to even make a fuss. my head felt like it was about to burst anytime and all i wanted was to get home immediately.

at least i took some comfort in the fact that my doctor was a really nice guy. cheers to these medical practitioners who didnt beat a sweat even when facing with hordes of angry, sick patients.

To Kill a Mockingbird

Ive read the book for probably the hundredth time, yet it still makes me laugh. Books like these are becoming extinct by the day, they teach you values that are almost foreign in this 21st century. i really do not want to delve in some chick flick that bores the daylight out of me.

ive got a few books i have in mind (yg nanti bile tibe2 strike gold ada duit nak beli semua kat kinokuniya sebab tempat die best), sape2 nak suggest buku2 yg best silakan:
1. Life of Pi
2. The Alchemist
3. The Kite Runner
4. The Graveyard book
5. Caucasia
6. Politicians say the Darnest Things (saje2 sebagai hiburan)

Batuk sucks

i am really frustrated with this annoying cold/batuk/whatever. not only it makes me look like some ah1n1 carrier in the komuter and lrt, it also disrupts my social activities!

Ashaari smsed asking if i would like to be a volunteer for this MERCY program they're having in johor over the weekend. ecstatically i said yes, with only a shorlive joy, because my parents forbids me from going...*WHYYYYYYY

"you've got ths terrible batuk oso nak pegi, nanti bebudak tu kene jangkit jugak macamane", ibu told me for the umpteenth time.. :(

I HATE BATUUKKKKKK!!!!!!

the test,the lunch,ulu yam and loads of bitching and fun

okay..actually the bitching was just a strategy to spicen things up.. ;p

the test...well...what can i say?i get a major headache whenever my mind drifted to the event that took place in KLCC Petronas Tower 1, Level 63. i had to do two tests, which were math and english test. the math test was HORRIBLE. faliq said i may be exaggerating a little bit, like the last time i took the apt test at IBM and passed. but this time im not playing. it really was HORRIBLE. the english was okay though. so i took some comfort in that.

the lunchdate with Kak Aya turned out to be a bog girly lunch with her girlfriends, seeing twelve of us squeezing in a table for 8 at the apartment. although the service was REALLY SLOW, the company was great. her friends were really nice and FUNNY! kak aya said this will be good for my networking when i work in petronas..WTFISH??i am not even sure if im going to pass the test *groanssss

The trip to Ulu Yam turned out to be GREAT. although i couldnt take a dip in the river and resort to being the photographer, it was great to go out, meet new people and just laugh urself silly. *benci betul dengan this stupid cold*

mizi insisted on sending me back home due to my condition, it almost made me hug him real tight; he even called a few times before i took the train to gombak to make sure i was okay *awwww . so off we go, with hilman and charme keeping mizi company for the journey back to uia, and had our supper at the mamak near my house. these are one of the moments where im so grateful im blessed with great friends. :')

p/s: saw a woman who i presumed to be a corporate lady having o'briens sandwich as a takeaway meal. it somehow became a form of motivation for me..(its deeper than that actually)

cepat habiskan kerja prof mansor

i really should finish up prof mansor's work. but im too lazy, and the cold is not helping either. this week is far from boring, and i dont know where i got this sudden zest in life.

tomorrow will be having my aptitude test at tower 1, Petronas Twin Towers. followed by a lunch date with my cousin, Kak Aya, which hopefully will include us two girls ogling at handsome corporate workers with their business suits.

saturday will be spent with mizi and his gang of misfits at Ulu Yam, the theme is Beachy Bitch. I have no idea how a beach and a river has in common, nevertheless, i know this picnic outing will be far than boring, given the "gila-ness" of the crowd is at the maximum level.

sunday, i will have to face my deepest fear of having to actually finish the job. *groan.. but hey! the sooner i finish it, the sooner i'll get my pay :)

cant wait to shop with those "hard-earned" money

Updates on my weekend

a lot happened during the weekend.

first of all is the passing of my uncle, Pak Cik wan, the father of my cousins, Arin, Kak Aya, Aida and R.S. I was not around when my mum told me they were on their way to Pahang, and recieved a message the next morning that he has passed away. I am proud to have brave cousins like them. they even managed to crack jokes and laughed when i came over on sunday night. Al-fatihah to Pak Cik Wan.

Secondly, i got into Marcus Evans' training, but turned it down at the last minute when i recieved an email from Petronas inviting to go for an aptitude test this friday. *EEEKKK* my parents are ecstatic, and i am hoping that my dream will come true.. Insya Allah...

thirdly, met up with sue last sunday, at ikano, and it was nice spending time with her. it felt like she had never left, and the conversations seemed so normal, unlike certain friends that when they have left, getting back together will somehow seem awkward because both of you have grown distant throughout the period.

fourthly, i went out with faliq using the public transport. it was quite hilarious to see my boyfriend in a state of dumbfoundedness when we actually had to walk to the stations, and having to keep up with his many complaints on how much hassle it is taking the public. he ven thought he had gone darker after a 10 minutes walk (yes, a good smacking would have been appropriate), and later bought tickets to watch HP at 12.40. in the end, we went with his whole family (his mum and his sister), and came back at 4, completely drained and exhausted.

so, there you go, the updates of my life, not that im saying it was superbly interesting, but hey, its MY life, i wouldnt trade it with anyone else :)

trying to secure a job is HARD

so far i've been rejected by two companies, Shell and AJC, and IBM has yet to call me back regarding my interview. i think i'll just take that as another no. oh god. please give me strength to go through this.

okay..maybe i was being a bit..um..unforgiving towards the unemployed fresh grads when they were unable to secure a job, and now that it has happened to me..im just speechless over this issue..one thing that is playing in my mind..WHY WONT THEY TAKE ME?? haiyoh..i can be a valuable asset to the company :(

at least i have Kumon to keep me company for a while :')

Xenophobia

An egyptian lady, pregnant with her second child migrated to Germany following her husband who was on a research fellowship. she was a muslim, like i am, and you are (if the person reading this is a muslim) followed the teachings of God and wore the headscarf. little did she know that her neighbour, a russian of german descent was a spiteful racist, and accused her of being a terrorist.

owh, with the new age of civilization, such appaling accusation will never go unpunished, and so she testified against her neighbour who had even tried to take off her scarf on one occasion. little did she know that this deranged xenophobic man was a heartless lunatic. as he stabbed her 18 times in front of her two-year old son, her husban rushed to her aid, only to be shot "accidentally" by the security guard because the guards thought that "as long as he wasnt blond, he must be the attacker".

what is this? i am so appalled by this that all i can think of is the rage of what her family members must have felt like over this incident.

Oh God, i cant even write anymore..

http://captaininternet.co.il/hasen/spages/1098207.html <---- if you would like to read more of this madness

di kala bulan mengambang

when i was 14, i went to this "summer camp" (alah..kem ibadah tu boleh kira summer camp la jugakk), and the anticipated "women's talk" finally arrived on the last day of the camp. so here is this ustazah trying to break the evil-schemivel horrors of making out to a large group of tweens, who i think might even hyperventilate if a boy hold their hand. "sape yang belum dapat P*****?", she asked out loud. at the shot of lightning i raised my hand, only to realize that i was the only one who hasnt seen the moon. With flushed cheeks i retracted my hand, but the damage was done, EVERYONE knew i wasnt fully a grown-women (or a wanita sejati) according to the ustazah, and succumbed to DEEP humiliation as they laughed at my expense (budak kan, mane reti nak jaga hati orang and be sensitive).

The ustazah proceeded to telling us that when we've seen the "moon", we would somehow "rembeskan" a certain amount of aura that will attract the opposite sex, and this is where we, ladies (excluding me :< ) must be careful. guys want nothing more than to get it on girls. "oh...so that's why no guys have ever liked me", i wondered, blaming on my late physical-internal-system. two days later, i recieved a surprise after waking up. i was finally a WANITA SEJATI! owh how i wished i was still at the camp and reversed whatever happened that day. excitedly i went to school, to see if whatever the ustazah said was true, to see if guys are falling head over heels for the new me..HAH! there was none, nada, zilch. tipu je ustazah ni.

p/s: padahal tak sedar diri sendiri dorky giler (kids dont dig personalities when they're 14, they look at physical attributes la weh)


this picture was taken when i was picking up my sisters to school. dont be fooled by the grin, its just an act to cover my true expression (hot and bothered) because the air-cond broke down :(

How to practice a DIY Laughter Therapy

kenape kita nak marah2..

apakata kita meng-happy-kan diri and enjoy! (macam lagu amy mastura tuh)

and tontonilah channel ntv7, ur feel good channel

better yet, enrol in a laughing therapy group. its scientifically proven to be good for your health :) i mean, here is a group of people who would get together, say, once a week, and just laugh their heads off.

laughter therapy is proven to:
1. strengthen your immune system
2. increases your intellectual performance
3. boost information retention

ini adalah contoh bagaimana anda boleh participate in a DIY laughter therapy:

1. cube mengawal emosi kemarahan dan jangan meletup lagi

2. buat posing bodoh (seperti gambar contoh ini, dimana saya berposing sebagai wanita ayu macam nak kene baling selipar)

3. Resultnya: anda akan tergelak dengan ke-ridiculous-an anda sendiri, thus practicing in a DIY laughter therapy

craving blamed on books

i had a really BIG craving for cake. i dont know what type of cake. but a cake. i blame 'When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit' for this, when the part Anna visited her great aunt, and she served a great deal of cake with chocolate and whipped cream for tea, and also the part where she ate this cake with hazelnut puree with her mum..FISH. and also the book entitled 'Bookends' where Cath ate a whole danish pastry with marzippan filling...apakah..mengapa ia berbunyi sungguh enak sekali???

until today i didnt manage to get a hold on a slice of cake. even when i went to Pyramid with faliq and his colleague, aziq, for dinner. all i got was a chocolate dipped pretzel..but i think that's enough to satisfy my craving for now..and to add to that, i ate a humongous piece of toast dipped in susu pekat (i forgot what it's called in Bahasa).

there's always secret recipe in front of Billion if my craving spiral out of control ;)


the chocolate-dipped pretzel *sangat menggiurkan

cube untuk stuffkan semue roti ke dalam mulut hamba yang kecil ini

roti bakar besar gabak nak mampos.

kerja jual pizza

i forgot to upload some pictures i took when i was working as a pizza stall attendant. this was when i was in the process of finishing my project paper, and the ministry of agriculture was having this agro fair. one of my sisters' teacher is a pizza pah stockist, so she needed someone to man the stall during the weekdays, sape lagi..------>ME!

i met quite a lot of bizarre people, such as this two boys selling bahulus,and one of them had long, unruly hair. i dont even know why he wouldnt tie his hair up and actually look presentable, because hey, ur baking something! you wouldnt want to buy bahulu with bits of hair jutting out would you? but you know what?these government officers dont give a rat's ass if he has some unkepmt hair, the bahulu was selling like hot cakes! i was also disturbed by the fact that even though the clock showed that it was 10 am, there were still a huge number of workers were lounging at the cafe..wtf?hello. macamane nak jadi pekerja yang efektif??

working as a salesperson has thought me a lot of lessons in life, most importantly, humility. not to be too arrogant when a customer approach, always have a smile on your face, even when you're in a battle mode with your boyfriend. and last but not least, always be courteous.

p/s:semasa jual pizza terserempak dgn shafiq saa'don and imran who dropped by to have lunch. imran still calls me pizza girl (-.-")

pizza pah actually tastes nice, if you're looking for a simple snack/meal

the ministry of agriculture yang tempatnya sangat cantik,

putrajaya ni memang takde rupe macam tempat government building lansung.

uia oh uia

here i am. in gombak. at my aunt's house. tonight we're having a bbq dinner. we were outside, sitting at the front, eating sejambak rambutan, throwing the biji down the hill because we believe it will somehow degrade itself, since its natural stuff anyway.. when i realised how close i am to uia. i could see the mosque's minarets, that's how close my aunt's house to the campus.

somehow i miss uia..even though i hate it at the same time. sedih la pulak

dream job

my dream job:

1. work as a traveller in the travel & living channel

2. open up a chocolate store (factory is just too stressful)

3.work as an advocate planner (planning for minorities, and the disadvantaged)

4.be an actress

anyone interested in employing me, or have any contacts regarding any of the mentioned job, please do not hesitate to call me :)

baru perasan yg diri ini penganggur

hari-hari aku duduk rumah.tunggu panggilan dari ibm.cuak jugak.macam detik hatiku mengatakan yang aku mungkin tidak berjaya. the 2 weeks are almost up, and i still have yet to hear from them.

hari-hari hantar adik pergi dan balik sekolah.sampai satu ketika tu, baru perasan yang tangan sebelah kanan lagi gelap dari sebelah kiri. rasa macam nak nangis ade, nak potong tangan letak artificial limb ada, nak scrub exfoliate dan segala bende untuk pulihkan balik pun ade, tapi lebih baik endah kan je la

hari-hari dok tatap kerja editing prof mansor. sampai naik bosan dah. bila lah nak siap and get it over and done with..so i can get my money in the end..*ka-ching

hari-hari tgk tv pukul 3.30, lalola and then tunggu sampai pukul 5 for spongebob. rasa macam takde life giler..

hari-hari terasa macam nak melarikan diri ke satu tempat secluded and jauh dari orang ramai.

i think post-graduation has just kicked in. penganggur symptom has kicked in and it is not fun.

life is a sebakul sayur

like is like a box of chocolates. that's what everybody says. i dont even get it. why is it a box of chocolates? does it mean that once the chocolate runs out, life is as miserable as hell?or does it mean that life depends on what chocolate you have? if its some rm2 zip bar, its not as good as a an rm20 godiva bar. kannn???

i tak faham la quote ni...

kalau chocolate tak mahal, but still sedap macamane?still okay kan?kenape nak a box of chocolate?kenape tak sebakul sayur?its something that u have to stuff it in, no matter how bitter and icky it tastes..that makes sense kan?

takpelah..takde hal pun kan?

things don't always go the way you want to. but when it's constantly going the opposite direction of what you're expecting, i think it's fine when you get tired once in awhile.

i can be so broken if i want to, but i chose not to.

i needed you, but you weren't there. maybe you just don't understand. it would be really nice if im actually someone important to you, but i guess i was wrong.

have a nice weekend yah?take care

benci dan kepenatan

i had the most exhausting week of my life. i dont think i like having my own car anymore >.<

hello johor-pt 2

suddenly, the revelation of having to move to the southern part of the peninsular doesnt scare me as much as it did before.

im almost looking forward to it (almost..)

i fell in love with this

im right here..in this freezing small room, overlooking the roof of one utama, and a few guys playing tennis on the rooftop of one hotel

wouldnt it be nice if i get the job

i get to work here, at this nice place, using the nice(super-duper nice) toilet, and oh god.. this place is just so ****ing perfect! it is just like how i pictured working life is supposed to be like!

oh god. now im getting anxiety attacks...what if i dont get in??ill be so ****ing heartbroken and die of depression (i macam tak leh blah dgn drama diri sendiri)

viva la vida ---> OVER

yaaayyy!!!!

ive finished my viva, and only received minor corrections!

the compliments were quite a rewarding factor after having to deal with this monster/baby for only 8 weeks :D

hooray to me!!

mereka baik sebenarnya, walaupun suka buat lawak bodoh

while i was crying, he held me till i fall asleep

while i was crying, he patted my shoulder as a sign of assurance

while i was crying, he cracked stupid jokes that wouldve made me kill him, but i know he meant well

while i was crying, he told me to let it all out and listened as i cried on the phone

while i was crying, he smiled assuringly at me as he got out of the car

i gained precious friends during trying times like this.thank you guys.

hello johor -pt1

my dad left for johor yesterday. my sisters were really quiet after he left, which was almost weird because they were never as quiet as this.

i cried from evening until midnight. somehow i miss my ayah, even though he'll back this coming weekend, but deep inside, all of us know it wont be the same again. instead of having him around all the time, we only get to see him occasionally.

now whose going to sew my buttons if it fell off?whose going to buy the juiciest fruits and potong it for us? and whose going to nag me if i come back home late?

i am a daddy's little girl after all :')

a blessing

6.30 pm: received a call from ibu

ibu:we need a copy of ur ic and ur licence, can u send it to auntie ana's house?

me:what for?

ibu:we're getting a new car

me:*hyperventilating* did ayah get the job?

ibu:yes, and he needs it in johor

me:what car?

ibu:a cayenne

me*this is too fucking good to be true* ibu, please be serious..what kind of car lah?

ibu:*laughing* a kia spectra lah

me:that means ayah will be moving to johor soon. i.e. we are all moving to johor *maksudnya, memang menjadi kenyataan lah yang ura-ura nak pindah johor ni*

ibu:yes, and we need to talk to you about it, because you're going to have to drive adik to school until the end of this year.

me:*apa2 lah, asalkan kita dah okay. even if it means ill get lost in putrajaya hundreds of time* okay..fine (groaning)

alhamdulillah things are starting to turn itself around. i have no one else but to thank God for this. Thank you God. and good bye bangi. ill miss you :')

you should ride it when its empty, which is never

the guy in front of me winced and closed his eyes as his face came into direct contact with a another man's armpit. i decided to hug myself and keep my body as balanced as i could, because i dont think reaching out for the pole is a good idea because that would mean id be touching this lady who is behind me's breast. a nurse smiled at me as she too had nowhere to hold on to.

i was on the train, at the wrong hour. it was 7pm, and the working population of kl is congesting every available public transport there is in the klang valley.

i dont know what the hell are those ktm guys doing, even after the prime minister paid a surprise visit to the serdang station last year (when pak lah was still the pm), but the rakyat obviously rules out boycotting the transport, because hey, how else can you get to kl from bangi with only rm 4.60 right?

Terima kasih boyfriend :)

ini adalah salah satu daripada peristiwa dalam hidup yg akan saya ingat sampai bila-bila. dapat minum godiva milk chocolate decadence ice blended bersama dome's huge choc chip cookie yg rase macam plastik. but the ice blended was HEAVENLY. but be sure to be near to the washroom after you've finished the drink, as they use pure chocolate bars for this, if you know what i mean...

life is a sum of your choices

An old schoolmate of mine has finally made a mark in the music industry when she got into muzik-muzik recently. To me, when you’ve made into muzik-muzik, that’s something big in Malaysia. I remembered her participating in our school’s talentime contests, and trying to penetrate into the indie scene for quite some time, and now, when she has finally made it, i was actually happy for her. Before this, it would be envy and many other ill feelings (lets not go back to the old schooldays tales, shall we?), but now, since i’ll be turning 23 this year, i figured it would best that i have to grow up and actually pick up some grown-up set of thinking. In other words, be mature.

“life is a sum of your choices”-alburt camus. I had a postcard of this saying on my desks as long as i could remember, and now only did i understand its true meaning. I shouldn’t wait for life to be better, i should actually start making my life better. Waiting for a miracle is like 1 in a million chances it will actually occur, and honey, i don’t think life is that cushy. Life is a sum of my choices. I should stop blaming the elements occurring in my life for making it so miserable, because i was the one who let it happened. I chose it to be this way, one way or another.

What am i doing? What am i doing to actually make my life better? Im not doing anything! That was my saddest realization. So what if my family’s financial situation took a major dip? That doesn’t mean that i have to sit back and wait for life to turn things around, i have to turn things around for life to be better, not the other way around right? What happened to me trying to achieve my dreams and goals? What made me become so broody, unproductive, and envious and so many other destructive mindset, is because of the lack of maturity.

Like my schoolmate, she didn’t wait for things to turn its way around for her to become a singer, she made it happened herself. Life is indeed a sum of your choices. And now im taking the steps in making it happen, first by finishing my project paper with a big fat A. :)

queue jumpers

One of things that actually appeals to my curiosity is what is going on in the mind of queue jumpers. This has almost become synonymous with Malaysian culture is one the things im pretty much embarrassed about when they brazenly execute their queue jumping skills in front of foreign tourists who have been queuing like mad for past half hour.

This morning i was having my breakfast with my parents at a food court somewhere in Putrajaya, and decided to try the nasi lemak which my mum claims to be one of the tastiest in town. “quick, go and queue up before the crowd gets here”, which explains why the nasi lemak is so popular. As i got into the line, waiting for my turn, a young couple in their 30’s joined in the queue. Well, should i say, half of the couple, because as the husband decides to do the honourable, and equally ethical deed of queuing up, the wife coolly cuts in the front queue and asked for a plate of nasi lemak. “The queue is here-lah”, the husband called. “It’s okay”, she shrugged off, as she veers around with the plate of meal in her hand, selecting her choice of lauk. I was quite surprised no one in the queue had the urge to tell her off, and what was more surprising was that even the stall owner tended to her.

What has become of the basic social values of our society? Well, i know some might just say, ”pfft, why are you even making a big fuss out of a small spark”, but hey, doesn’t it irk you when you’ve been queuing for the komuter for almost 20 minutes, and when the ultra-slow vehicle arrives, there will be a group of people who have been sitting while you were standing up shamelessly walk to the front and claim their “right-of-way” into the train?

When i went to Japan, I found out that you have to queue for almost everything. That includes boarding the escalator in the mall. As compared to us Malaysians, as long as we can push and shove our way to the preferred destination, no problem. The erosion of the society’s ethical values are quite troubling, as more people think that they have the right-of-way to everything, disregarding what other’s feel, as well as other people’s right-of-way.

There is only one explanation for this disease, selfishness.

continution of my krispy kreme obsession

ni mase kat tokyo, mase mule2 jakun melihat krispy kreme, dan free samplenye yg sgt lazat (they gave 1 whole doughnut as a sample, malaysian business should take note of this, but then, if they do that here, people would just come for the sample and leave, knowing malaysians..hahaha)

ni lepas beli kat times square, walaupun bagi donut yg dah tak berape fresh, saya masih menyukainya..

malangnya, gambar kat depan krispy kreme kat south korea ada kat sarah, dan bukan dalam laptop saya. tapi tak mengapa, saya akan jadikan habit menangkap gambar depan krispy kreme di merata2 tempat di dunia sebagai hobi terbaru :)

my krispy kreme obsession

i blame kak aya for this growing endemic. her obsession on the doughnut chain rubbed off on me when we were in Tokyo, and later it got carried away during my class trip to south korea last november. and now its HERE!!!

but i cant imagine myself camping out at the store for 65 hours before its grand opening to get myself a one year supply of doughnuts, that requires pure willpower and no shower.

so, enjoy your 1 dozen of glazed doughnuts, and dont forget to think of a way to shed those extra-extra carbs ;)

p/s:waiting for ben and jerry's to make their way to malaysia's shores :)

networking yo

i met a chinese guy today. his name was charles.

i came to old town completely ladened with my laptop bag and my huge handbag as i asked if i could use the power socket next to his table, and he was kind enough to move his table so i could plug in my laptop.

i cant remember how we started talking, but he was completely surprised tht i speak english fluently, which sadly is quite the image that we, malay youths are propagating. we talked about whatever there was to talk about, from how Putrajaya failed to be a modern city to what politics in Malaysia should be like.

when he was about to leave, he paid for my enrich chocolate drink, and we promised to keep in touch through email.

all in all it was a very refreshing experience. striking up a conversation with a total stranger. i should do that more often. :) *that is if i have the guts

to syanaz and syafinaz

i love my sisters. theres no doubt about it. i have a picture of them when they were toddlers on my notice board in my uia room. it is to remind me that everything i do here is for them, as well as my parents. we might not be close like other sisters are, but we know that we love each other is already enough.

i know the responsibility as the eldest is a heavy one, and its heavier when it comes to my part. but i will now walk away from it now, as i did before this. im ashamed for being such a coward, a pussy and an irresponsible a**hole. i will now embrace my responsibility with an open heart, and i hope God will give me the strength to do this on my own.

my time is almost up, and we'll see the results pretty soon. in which i will not fail you. i love you both.

declining humanity

human are scary beings. they bitch about their friends, whom the night before was proclaimed as their brother/sister, they fight over different ideologies and opinions, and they kill one another for some stupid, idiotic reasons.

what is humanity?was it to have compassion and love for one another? or was it to put on a mask of a smiley face before you greet your "friends"whom you've always begrudged and bitched about because you didnt have the "heart" to tell them of your feelings as it may sound too harsh, when in actual fact, you just didnt have the balls to do it.

will people change?what happens when your "busuk hati" runs out of juice, and you're left alone cramped in your cubicle on your birthday?will it be the right time to say, "serves you right a**hole"?

its not too late to apologise isnt it?

somewhere along the line, i missed the step. it might not be so important when i missed it. but it is now. its shitty that i cant retract or rewind whatever that has been done. we, as humans are mistak-magnets. all i can say now is im sorry.

im sorry for everything. i know you will never read this, but at least ive gotten this off my chest. maybe in due time, ill muster the courage to say it to you in person. *im such a coward*

not now

i dont know when my next meal will come, but i am still happy.

somehow when a friend told me she wished she didnt have to think of having to save when going out, i was somewhat a bit downtrodden. am i a burden to be around with?i wished so its the opposite.

all these while i keep a straight face when peers make comments on my downright thrifty spending, it was quite a cut. but i know they didnt mean to hurt me. they just do not understand.

its okay. i understand. im not like everyone else. even our own family have turned their back on us, but we're still happy. we still have each other.

i wished for many things. i wished i could further my studies after i graduate. but i cant. i wished i could pursue whatever field that i am interested in, but i cant. not now anyway.

being in a position where you feel like flinging yourself off the cliff for being so helpless everyday is not healthy, but i keep it caged nicely, which is why i could still muster a smile.

im not complaining. this is just a way of me telling you how i feel, since i do have a difficulty of expressing my feelings. i wished that my future is written nicely in the book. but i doubt it. all i could see is big, black, heavy clouds that awaits me. all i have now is you, and God. my father has long since given up, and i wished i wont. not now.

all i have now is a clear cut on who has stood beside me while i go through this and who has abandoned me. i may not be able to afford your weekly outings with branded togs, but i could offer you my friendship and loyalty. if that is not enough, i dont see the reason why we should still be friends. when people say" a friend in need is a friend indeed", i guess its not applicable to you.

crossroad part 2

one down, two more to go..

cehhh..cakap macam nak pegi perang padahal amik exam je..

i found myself encountering the familiar crossroad again. it shouldnt have been such a big issue before, i already know what's best for me. but this time, im drawn again into temptations and what I want, instead of what i SHOULD do.

this is really bugging me. this sucks.

to my tok wan

my grandfather was a gentle man, who dotes on his grand children. "eh, tgk, die je yg asyik dukung you", faliq remarked as we were going through my old pictures at mama's house.

i remembered his orchids (he loved growing orchids), how he saved me from being eaten by a vampire (a stupid game my cousins and i were playing which consists of us running around the house screaming from being eaten by the vampire *who was arin*), and he bought me a Ken doll, and told me not to strip him naked, although i did.

i couldnt really remember him as clearly as i wanted to, because he passed away when i was 5. i still remembered his funeral, he wasnt a famous man of the nation, no vip went to his funeral, but i was bawling my eyes out because my tok wan wouldnt wake up. i didnt even get to see him during his final days in the hospital because my mother said the hospital wouldnt let a noisy kid like me in.

i still miss him. he always had a smile on his face, in which he never fails to chuckle whenever his grandchildren were embrawled in mindless, kiddy games and later we would fall back unto his lap exhausted.

here's to my tok wan, who is deeply missed by all.

blurry

if only i could scream at a cliff somewhere, id have a sore throat by now.

im just ranting out some jumbled words mixed in my head that sometimes i dont even know what i said. sometimes i just write whatever that is on my head because my vision would be blurred by tears. like right now.

its sad that even when you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone.

what is even sadder is you have to mimicked a happy face when all you want to do is cry your heart out as loud as you can witholding nothing.

the saddest would be swallowing your shit and face it alone. like it or not, its right in front of you.

i do have to suck it up dont i?

face the music

all these while i had an extra limb, and now i am forced to do it on my own. but this is something i have to go through sooner or later.

"sooner or later, you'll have to face the music alone", faliq told me.

he held my hand as he said,"i wont be able to help you with your project paper, that is your responsibility, but i will make a hot drink for you while you do it, take you to the library, accompany you when you're doing your survey, and be there for you the best way i can".

i think that's enough already. thanks faliq :)

crap is spelled with a 'p'

i malas nak layan boleh tak? boleh tak for once i tak payah nak senyum2 and cakap everything is fine even though ur treating me like crap?

kenape la aku ni bodo sgt pun tak tau.

the cynic

sometimes all it takes is just a small display of love. its not that difficult. but somehow people tend to disregard that one small fact that could actually make the other smile throughout the day.

what's stoping you?why must you put the egoistical barrier in front? it hurts knowing that after all these years, it still doesnt matter how much im trying here, you will never see it.im completely exhausted.

hats off to you~

a completely exhausting trip

we arrived in terengganu around 3 am only to find out that the inn we earlier booked for was a complete nightmare, not only it resembles a horror-story-where-people-slash-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night-like, there was also no receptionist at the counter, nor was anyone picking up the phone,even the handphone, when we called.

So after 2 hours of driving aimlessly along the narrow kampung road, we finally found an inn that looked really nice and new :) which apot called the virgin inn (because the name is dara inn). as emilia and i groaned with pleasure when we sunk into the new beds, i was completely nervous for the next day because a) i dont know anyone there except for maybe 3 people whom are faliq, iqram and amelia; and b) this is a freaking royal wedding!!!

the wedding, although it was really hot, because it starts at 2pm, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. we arrived a bit later than the stated time, so we missed the "perarakan", but we managed to take pictures of the "santapan". in the evening, the newly wedded couple threw a bbq party at the same resort for their friends whom they weren't able to mingle with during the wedding, and the bride was so gorgeous! i just couldnt stop looking at her, knowing how gay i am, but yeah.

to sum it up, the trip was GREAT! and i was so glad i had an excuse to get away from the bustling KL, and managed to get myself a bit of sand here and there :)

private gifts

i came to a sudden realization that ive received panties as a form of a souvenier more than once.

my first gift was when i was still in high school, and my cousin, kak aya who was studying in uk back then gave me a small boxful of gifts, amongst the beautiful bangles were two g-strings with a "miss naughty" picture and another one a bubblegum character blowing bubbles. i dont even know why she gave me such alluring gifts when i didnt even fully understand the concept of being sexy, but then, having cartoon characters on the underwear was hardly sexy :)

second gift was a year ago when sue went to new york, and each of us girls recieved a victoria secret's panties. the name victoria secret alone was sexy, but then again the undergarment was hardly sexy, it was more of a naughty-kinky-ish type because of its vibrant colors..

and lastly. the same year sue went, ika went to indonesia and discovered a haven of shopping. and guess what she bought me?yes!lingerie!!calvin klein's bright red knickers!

maybe it is the current trend now, giving knickers as prezzies, but then again, these knickers have remained untouched for as far as i can remember because, i dont know?! i just dont feel like putting on some memorabillia my friend got me when she went over seas!

tagged by sue

How old are you?
22 soon 23.

2. Are you single?
nope

3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
ummm...im not to sure about that..maybe when im 26?or 27?but hopefully before 30 la..

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
hahaha..hope so! :)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
keanu reeves

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
tak payah kot..because i taknak ade bersanding. but i think id like my sisters to be the bridesmaids

7. Do you want a garden/ beach or traditional wedding?
hahhaa..ive already had this idea for my dream wedding and im not telling!!*takut diciplak atau di gelakkan

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
backpacking across europe!but if my husband really knows me, im not really going to backpack because id pack almost the whole entire closet.. but yeah...but id like to travel to europe :)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite.
id really like a small wedding..macam exclusive gitu..hahaha..but it was shot down by my mum who insisted that we invite the entire extended family whom i dont even see for a year or i even know. so yeah..if its according to my mum..im not to sure about the number.. *groans

10. Will that include your exes?
if he wants to come datanglah..

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
hmm..i dont want cake! i want a HUGE chocolate fountain!!

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
petang :)

13. Name the song/tune you’d like to play at your wedding.
banyak...but one of it includes "menunggu nasi minyak", by hail amir and uji rashid..hehehe..i like that song!so what?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork & knife?
ntahlah..im not even sure what food they're going to serve.hahahaha

15. Champagne or red wine?
milo ais!hahaha..taklah..giler ape milo ais..id want lemonade..is that possible??okaylah..limau ais (kite kan malaysian)

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
right after the wedding

17. Money or household items?
both oso can..no problem...dapat pun dah bersyukur..*ecehhh

18. How many kids would you like to have?
lots!!!id like to have 6..3 boys and 3 girls :)

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yes!mestilah..sambil tengok balik dan gelak kat our own idiocy during the wedding and reminisce about my once nice body figure decades ago.. :)

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
the rest of the girls! and anyone who reads this blog and are willing to take the time to do
this, they're more than welcome..

**** off

i am enthralled by all this commotion...

a commotion it is.. :)

demoted

the group erupted into a huge,raucous laugh whilst sharing a joke only they know about.

and i watched from afar. it has always been this way, and always will.

dont know why i thought my luck was going to change this time.it didnt

i wish my dad can help me out with this too

as i am struggling to finish my project management assignment, it made me remember about the time when i was 9 or maybe 10.

i was completely exhausted with the overloaded homework (malaysian education system really do stress out the kids), and i was fighting with my eyelids to keep them open as i tried my hardest to complete my tajwid homework from sekolah agama (the afternoon session religious school most city kids go to).

the next thing i know, i half awoke to the sound of my dad's voice, talking to my Pak Tam, about the tajwid that sounded exactly like my homework, and my dad was holding the exercise book.

now tell me, is there any man that can compete with my dad?i dont think so. and now, im wishing that im back home, and the assignment isnt so darn tedious. :)

valentine's entry

Trees blurred creating hazy, green scenery that was beautiful. I breathed in the comfort of his lap, as he drove, almost as if he has always driven with me lying there.

He has made me cry millions of times, but so have I. we hurt each other in a way that it hurts ourselves the most in the end. We kissed and make up the next minute the shouting and crying show ended. We nagged at one another until the other person turned a deaf ear. We’ve shared countless of drama that was enough for 10,000 drama production, but we couldn’t think of being with anyone else.

This is the man I love, and hopefully will always love me too. He has seen the ugly side of me, yet he stood where he was, claiming his feelings for me will never change. Being in love is not always a lovely experience, but it’s a beautiful one. Having that one person who you know will always catch you when you fall is a gift. It could be your parents, siblings, friends, and even the other half. And I’m thankful I was given all of the above as my catcher. But this is for my sayang, and his name is Faliq Hakim.

kenapa bahasa saya kelakar

im not sure why.but my facebook was suddenly in BM mode.notification suddenly become "tatapan", and the weirdest was trying to comprehend people's status...being single became "kembali bujang"..and its complicated turned into "rumit" or something like that.

im not saying that our bahasa is a joke.its not.i think its the coolest language in the whole wide world. for example, you cant really define what "poyo" means in english, because its cool just the way it is in Bahasa. however, when it comes to all this official stuff (ceeehhhh...macam faceboo tu official sgttt), id like to keep it in english, because my formal bahasa is just too kelakar to digest.

this is MY opinion. please, i dont want anyone suddenly coming up to me and slap me in the face saying "ko patut berbangga cakap bahasa melayu!". im just saying when it comes to me talking in formal bm?i sound like trash.note that I,ME,NUR SYAZA.not you, him, or that guy waiting for the taxi at the bus stand, but MOI.so, yeah..cuit saya anyone?(that is poke me in facebook).

stories from my mother#2

i noticed how my mother liked to reminisce about the old times more often these days. we were having breakfast at our favourite stall, when she commented on my sister's unruly hair. "no matter how many times ive brushed it, it'll become all selekeh again".

and then she suddenly chuckled softly, remembering the time my sister, syafinaz, rosakkan my painting, i didnt recall how old i was, but the twins were still toddlers. and it resulted to syafinaz getting paint all over face, my mother said she wished she had a camera with her at that time. i wished she did too. it mustve been cute to see a chubby japanese-look-a-like with paint smeared all over her face.

and then she recalled the time when the family first moved to subang. i was one year old. as my aunt ani was also moving on the same day, it was quite a hectic day. my dear late grandmother, tok kalsom, cooked lunch for everyone. but because everyone was busy, no one had the time to stop and enjoy the meal. except for me. because according to my mum, i was going about holding a fried fish in my hand, wearing a blue jumpsuit. and my mother remarked", mak, i think cucu mak tu lapar la", to my tok. and ibu said she laughed so hard, that my mother could still remeber her laughter.

im not sure what was funny, seeing a toddler with a fried fish in her hand. but i think my mum was trying to catch a glimspe of the childhood ive long left behind before i really do grow up. but im glad my mother still remembered those stories that was about to be forgotten, because to me, it shows how much my parents love me. :)

closing in

im about to close this blog.because i feel like starting a new chapter in life.

i dont know how i came about this. but there was this one morning that i woke up and suddenly wanting to turn over a new leaf. and maybe by closing a section of the memoirs of life, i could achieve this.

i know this may sound stupid. some would say, " why do u have to delete the entire blog just to start over?", but to me, this is what i want to do.

kuhaz left yesterday. a tearful departure and the fact that the radio played foo fighter's walking after you did not help in easing the pang of missing her badly.

i love you kuhaz. we all love you.

to them with love

ive never been much of a good friend. i know im not completely a horrible one, but still there are things i wished i couldve done more. but im only human. theyve been there when i was in a deep rut, stood by me while i was being a complete ass. so..salude to my friends

heres to my favourite girlfriends

nina:who has always been an inspiration. she became much like a sister who always guides me, and made sure im okay all the way

radhi: my rock, ive never been able to actually comprehend my relationship with radhi, but she was there when i needed her

kuhaz: my dependable friend. somehow kuhaz has always been my comfort zone, even her room was a comfort space to me back when she was in uia.

sue: the one who never fails to love and trust. she was always the one who made us stick together.

and by next week, kuhaz will be leaving for aussie and sue in february. im not very much in a writing - mode right now. i know. but one thing for sure is, i will definitely miss both of you very much.

clearer times ahead

after talking to dr. zain, im more confident of my future than ever. i guess talking to someone in the know-how do help.

ive been so lost before this, and i couldnt really talk to anyone. my head was filled with crazy notions and idealistic goals that i wasnt even sure i could achieve it. and to think id go to sj to talk about this?are you out of ur mind?

thank god for lecturers like dr.zain

where was i?

ive always felt strongly against the israel-palestine affairs. even when nina commented that i have a jewish nose, i went beserk.

but now, the israel's aggresion is more apparent than ever, and where was i when there was a peaceful demo at tabung haji? i was in kaed putting together my first chapter for my thesis. and there was a performance tonight to show support for the palestinians here in uia, and where was i? in this freaking cc.

haih..