hijab or no hijab?

I don’t know what is up with my head lately. My ‘confusion’ on the state of my headdress…to wear or not to wear. For starters, I am re-thinking about my status as a hijab-wearing girl becauussee…I don’t think I am worthy of a hijab, hijab signifies the commitment you have undertaken to become a good, law-abiding muslim, my behavior however speaks otherwise. And if I don’t wear hijab, my mum will be out to get me, my mother, the vicious disciplinarian. Another reason why I don’t think im ready for a hijab, I don’t want to wear it because I’m scared of my mum, I want to wear it because I am afraid of God.
Anyway, I have to admit, the feeling of not wearing hijab is almost liberating. Almost. And sad to say this, I must say, I am more noticeable among the opposite sex when I am not wearing the hijab. Though it is rather off-putting at times, I actually enjoy the extra attention I received. I know..wicked wicked me. Oh.. god…how am I ever going to be a good muslim if the idea of wearing the hijab is actually a burden to me? I hate feeling so ungrateful and ‘bongkak’. Life is only a temporary stop-over. Shit,I am so going to get it from Him.