one night encounter

Yesterday i couldnt stop looking at his face.afraid that if i turned away he would vanish.i held his hands for as long as i could.his smile, the way his face lights up when he laughs, it was just the same as i remembered.

i dont know if you know this, but you could still make my heart flip, even after 2 years down the road.i love you.

im still at the office

im still at the office, and i have learn something up to this point.i have toiled with the stupid microsoft word for two days straight, and im yearning to go back home.

i have learnt that patience is indeed the biggest weapon, and holding yourself from being angry shows how courageous you are actually.

so you can imagine how many times ive cursed the computer loud enough until the whole office konws that i think the pc is fucked up. haha.this is one of the moments in my life that i will never forget. :)

i think ill miss the office when i leave next month. but then, i wouldnt want to continue working here. oh no.i dont want to turn into a walking zombie.

sudden realization

after spending a night of love-hate relationship with microsoft word and my ultra-slow pc, im glad that im also at the end of the road for this editing thing.i dont think i can look at any editing tasks without puking, seriously.id rather help them bind the whole bloody 30 reports than edit ever again.i mean for now.

ive suffered through severe breakdown because of a stupid editing task, and i realized that i dont really handle stress that well.this sudden realization has somehow stirred a long-fought battle of me and hating myself.

i dont know how im supposed to overcome this.but i have to.because i think its causing my future prospect of becoming successful.

the normal weekend

owhkay....my nite out at cenfad didnt really turn out the way i wanted to. i didnt really had that much fun, and the outcome has left me even more confused and frustrated.

so..there goes my mission to socialise..humph.anyways....the weekend was great.the whole family celebrated adik's birthday.they didnt even know it was their birthday. when i took them out to buy chocolates (the only thing i could afford at the moment), they were brimming with joy, that i almost cried, because i couldnt give them a better gift at the moment.

auntie ana and pak onn came, abang adik and family came, and so did kak aya and anti ani.i was happy that they came to wish my sisters happy birthday.i dont think any other family could be more supportive than this.mama made her famous karipap and a few other kuihs.it was a great night.

on wesak day, kori came over and we hung out at ou..although it was almost close to kutu rayau, the both of us, i was pretty happy that i once had a normal weekend hanging out at the mall doing nothing and munching pretzels.

there goes my weekend.now im currently at the office.boohoo...haha.submission is tomorrow.better go before my boss catches me blogging.ciao.

my rusty social skills

after reading my past entries, ive realized how bad my english is..was..aiyeh.see.i cant even get the proper tense correct.i need help.

anyway..right now im at the office..haha.big surprise..its 1.30 in the morning,and i cant believe that my eyes are still wide awake.today is falique's birthday..happy birthday yo!!i wonder if he managed to get home in time for his family meal..but then he has already swallowed a medium spicy chicken mcdeluxe meal as an "alas perut.

anyhoots....tomorrow im going to cenfad..where there's this graphic cum fashion show is going to be held.its been awhile since ive socialised outside my usual circle.im actually kinda nervous since im pretty sure my social skills have gotten a bit rusty, and falique and man are the only people i know who will be there.and they will come with their OTHER friends.i was actually a bit reluctant but then, since man insisted,i had to say yes, and since i badly need to socialise because my social sims bar is decreasing each day,why not?

so,here's to syaza and her attempt to socialise again.GOOD LUCK.

hate to admit this

im going to miss this firm when ive finished my practical.im not sure if they'll remember me after 5 years from now.but i will.

haih.

aiyah...sue ni kan...

eyh..sue ni kan..now i feel obligated seeing my other mates have done it.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
i did.now. not anymore.
2. Do you eat without brushing your teeth?
yes..hehe...sometimes..(i know im gross)
3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
anywhere but malaysia
4. If you had only 1 wish, what would you wish for?
that my father will be successful one day.i hate seeing him being tired of life.
5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
umm...im not really sure about this.is this supposed to be related to all that scientific shit?
6. Do you like being who you are today?
surprisingly, yes. :)
7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
buy my family a house that my mom have always dream of,a car for my dad,for myself,bawak my family pg holiday,and then go study in uk.
8. If you could change your name, what would it be?
syaza the great
9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
haha..im not sure.tgk keadaan la.
10. Would you swim in a vat of chocolate?
mestilah!!!siap buat backstroke lg.but then melted chocolate wouldve been too thick.maybe later id drown in it.
11. Do you love yourself more than you love others?
No.
12. Which do you prefer from your other half? hug? or a kiss?
aiyoh...i like both.no preferences.im greedy i know,but its not hard to actually do both.why choose?
13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
id rather they tell me in a discreet manner..not upfront kinda thing,that wouldve bruised my ego.
14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
L.o.v.e
15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
owh yes.if only i have the money.
16. What kind of electronic device/gadget you own that you like most?
Handphone
17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
my constant paranoia of the creature from the other-world,me being too self-concious about myself.i need to be confident and proud of who i am.
18. What makes you feel disappointed?
when you're being too hopeful of certain things,that you're too confident it'll come true.im hopelessly hopeful.
19. If given a chance, do you want to see your future?
haha..im not sure if i can handle it.
20. What would you do when your secret is being found out?
muke akan menjadi merah..and stutter..and trying to act all cool...(but that wouldve been futile since im such a bad liar)

Who I tag: sape-sape yang tak buat lagi.

four stinkin' people

our eyes were red,and we were already doused with extreme tiredness. we hadnt bathed since yesterday, and we didnt even brush our teeth.

we decided to go to pyramid.

to the workers at Zen cafe, sorry if we have given you the gift of wonderful odours.and we also apologise if we have almost made you faint just by talking to us, and smelling our 'lovely breath'.

p/s:we'll come by some other day all clean up just to show you that we dont practice this on our own willingness.

that day

that day he came with a smile that melted (is there such word?hahaha) my heart.somehow i have forgotten how long i haven't actually experience this feeling, like a lovesick teenager, bursting with happiness and giddiness.

ive to admit that i will always miss that closeness which i can only taste once a month now. but this has also made me appreciate our relationship more.being more grateful that his love for me is even more visible than before, how he held on to his promise that he'll be back once a month, even if its just to spend a day with me.

thank you b.

the meaningful trip

yesterday night my girlfriends (sue,kuhaz and radhi) came all the way from gombak.although it wasnt even close to 2 hours,but the dinner at the mamak near to my office was worth it :)

i cant remember the last time i laughed like i did last night.and after the meeting, i was left with such a happy and loved feeling that i wished i could do it everyday.it sure put a smile to my already downtrodden mood (i had to stay back again last night).

i recalled how nina,radi and ida came all the way from pj to gombak for my khatam (even my boyfriend at that time which was arif, didnt show up).i recalled how alif came to kelana jaya all the way from usj just to take me out for a drink at syed's which is only a 5 minutes walk from mama's house.and the time when khairun and sab came to my house in bangi when we first moved just for a meal using the public transport (we were only 16, and it was actually beyond words that they 'sanggup' to take the public transport at all in the first place).

these trips made by friends reminds you of how lucky you are.sometimes i dont think i actually deserve this.but i am grateful to be blessed with these memories, which not many people are given the chance to experience it.

you deserve to be happy

i waited for this to be over soon.but it didnt.it kept going on and on like a music played to frequently on the radio that you wished it would stop now,only it didnt,it became more frequent until you feel like throwing up.only in this case,its not throwing up.its how you have to manage not to hang yourself because at this moment of time, life is just too disappointing and too much to bear.

you dont want to hold it.nor do you want the whole world to know.so what you do is to blog like what im doing right now.of course,life shouldn't be blamed for all the disappointments you are currently undergoing, because that would just mean that you're a freaking loser.

this is when you make the decision to be more than life has to offer.so what if you are not rich like the rest of the people around you.that shouldnt make you feel like you're not as high and mighty as they are.because you deserve to be happy as much as the rest of the human beings are.

i watched the pursuit of happyness.i think everyone should watch it.it really moved me.it made me realize that even if im encountering a very huge loophole at the moment,that shouldnt make me feel like im not better than the others.

my home

i've somehow found a spot that i can call my comfort zone.though i dont really think that i actually have one before this.not even at home.i mean..where is home?now home is not referred to the physical structure that you have been assigned to a room that you can decorate or you can invite your friends over.my home i where my family is, my home is where my friends are, my home is where faize is.

i think that has somehow made me stronger.cynical.of course.you cant really run away from that,it is bound to happen.but it has molded me into someone i never thought i could be 7 years ago.

yesterday i dreamt of my old home in subang.i didnt want to wake up.that aching feeling re-surfaced after it was stored away collecting dust.it wasnt the first time i dreamt of that house.it haas somehow unable to entangle itself from my memories.as if it wants me to remember it always.i never knew a house can be such a haunting ....i dont know..i couldnt find the right word at the moment.

im sorry i had to leave you.it wasnt my choice.but just so you know, ive always thought about you.but i think i need to move on now.i cannot stay here, in this confined box in this head of mine that keeps on whispering to me that this is all a dream.a dream does not go on for 7 years,a dream wouldnt have been able to hurt you.this is the reality.and now you are the dream that ive been living in all these years.good bye 53,ss19/5B.i will always love you.

the results are out!!!!

my results are quite okay...despite the fact that i failed research method... :( anyways..thank god i still managed to maintain my 3 point cg..fuuhhhh~ thank god for tourism and english.

yesterday i went home early.the first time since i started this practical training..at 6.30..woohoo!!!a record!!(boleh la balik awal since big boss takde.haha)balik awal pun tak gune, because after realizing that an inconvient truth is only premiering the next night and not the fated day in which i came home early..i swithced on my laptop and continue doing the master plan pokli (this urban designer in my office.he's really cool) gave to me earlier. *im such a geek.no.a skema.no.a dork.

i feel like having choco top.but no one wants to go to mcd with me. :( *padahal ofis dekat giler dgn mcd.jalan sendiri la woih!

random rants

yesterday i went to klcc with radhi.a breath of social relationship has somehow lighten up my dampen mood. thank you radhi :) even if we didnt really do anything..haha...

today the exam results will be out..and i am almost on the verge of freaking out.note the almost.

i dont know if you're allowed to be confused in what you want to do after you graduate...because you're supposed to know by this time around.unfortunately,im still confused.practical training has changed my perceptions on the wonders of being in the working scene.

i miss my boyfriend.i miss home.and i miss my friends.

working again...

i think im starting to get used to this...working i mean..

the working scenario

working for almost 2 weeks got me to thinking the real deal when you're actually working.do you get excited waking up everyday ready to embrace the new tasks and workloads awaiting you at the office?are you willing to commit yourself to the life of not having any time for your social needs and you have come down to the reality that your office mates are all you have?

do you go back home everyday to realize that you havent sat down and have a proper meal with your family the whole week you're working?by the time you managed to make it to the house, the other members are already tucked in their bed?

where is that spirit to look forward to a new and exciting day ahead?where is that zest when the commercial area where you're office is situated is the only area you managed to get around before going back to the office after lunch.

i never knew office life could be so...mundane.almost unbearable u to a certain extent.

work so far...

now i hardly come home on time.last week maybe i was actually given the chance to leave the office early, but this week..oh my god..the others look as if they were going to spit in my face if i do clock my time out at 6.tapi diorang balik takpe..aiyoh..dont understand la this ofis..

finally i have my own pc..its quite nice to have my own space.i hate being in the way of others..aiyeh...cant wait for this to be over.

work bebeh

right now im at the ofice stealing some time to blog because ive just finished a heritage building plan using adobe illustrator.wuiyoh...syaza learned a new software.its not so bad.haha.

the office where im currently undergoing my practical training is not so bad.the people are friendly and i am actually enjoying myself.haha

the life right now is not so bad.maybe ill hate it later on.but right now i feel great because now i know what it feels like to be in a working life. :)

my boyfriend-the arsenal freak

My boyfriend is an Arsenal freak. He thinks it’s the greatest football club in the whole world, and the entire human population should actually acknowledge this fact. He even went the extra length of not talking to me for 5 minutes (which, mind you, is quite difficult for him) when I made fun of Arsene Wenger, as Arsene ‘Wanker’. (Pun intended). few nights back, arsenal lost to Chelsea by 1 goal. Owh, how devastated my boyfriend was. And when I told him it could be because of the jinx I cast upon the team because he ended our nightly conversation just to catch the game, he quickly put down the phone and refused to answer it again! Well, that took quite some skills to actually “pujuk” him. :) Despite his emotional outbursts over his football club, he is quite a levelheaded person when it’s not concerning football. Owh boys. What would we do without you?

you came

You came, at the time when I really needed you. You came and made me feel special all over again. You made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I know I should thank sue and kuhaz for ‘anyone else but you’, but this song is for you. We’ve been through a lot, I had the choice to end it, especially when you went away, but as nina told me, I chose to stay and suffer with you. I know I don’t love every moment of it, but these are one of those exceptional moments that made the wait worthwhile. :)

p/s: I love you

the room and my thoughts

There were many moments when I chose to shut myself from embracing reality and dream about the wildest imaginations full of hopeful wishes. The room, be it at my house, or the college, would become my sanctuary from everything. It is the only space where I feel at ease, where I felt welcomed. Without the judgmental stare, the need to smile even when you don’t feel like it. The room accepted me when I was unhappy, when I needed to cry.
There were moments of imagining being somewhere else, but the room will always follow me. I will always have that space to be who I really am. The weak syaza, the sloppy syaza, the dorky syaza, and whatever other me’s I can be. The room never judges. It is a bit sad to confine in a form of man-made structure rather than having a real being to be my sanctuary. I don’t think im like nina. I have difficulties in showing my true emotions. I don’t even know my emotions.

I wonder if my parents know who I really am. I wonder if faize knows who I really am. I wonder if my friends know who I am.

I've waited for my moment to grow out of this, grow out of the “shut -my- self- out-from-the-whole-world-and-daydream” phase. i need to embrace reality. I need to realize that the people around me are hurt by my doings.

The room will never understand what I am going through right now. It just sits there and listen. It does not comprehend why im crying because I feel useless.

People are hurt when I feel that way. I don’t even know why. I didn’t say that they’re useless. Im depressed because I FEEL USELESS. Not them. This is too weird to swallow in right now. I need to rest.

letting go of this

Letting go of the past is difficult. Letting go of what was a part of you is difficult. It’s similar to voluntarily cutting your own limb. but the past is what shapes us to be what we are now. being a human without a past is actually a sad thing. But to reminisce on my pasts would only make me even sadder, sad about things that are close to the heart. I’m egoistic. I do not like the idea of remembering when that person does not feel the need to remember me as well. And that has always been my drive to move on with life, as long as it takes me. You are my past. And I will let you go. Eventually.

fuhhh

after 4 hours trying to decipher the overall depth of the Cost-Benefit Analysis...finally....ive finished it!!!thanks to the stupid IRR.which was no easy feat.

hopefully what i did is betul-la...hopefully the things i read in the net for reference are not hocus-pocus or something.

anyways...today will be the last day of hard work...academically.now the dinner....aiyoyoh..but at least now im rest assured that my grades wont be a big fat egg..at least there'd be something...hehe

this friday

i am currently at KAED...HAHA.can u believe it?im in kaed at 1.30 am!

well...im in the postgraduate lab right now.we had to stay up to finish our tourism report.which has to be submitted on wednesday.aiyeh...keje keje keje.

anyway..another big news is that the agd is still on this friday.we're going to be one hell of a team if we manage to pull it off this friday.with only 3 days to do the job...well...i think even donald trump would want to hire us if we manage to pull it off on by the 21st.and adding to the stress..this week is portfolio's week.shit...

good luck to us.and may god bless us all.

the end is near...

last night i had dinner with sue.might be the last dinner ill have with her at nz.we were talking about what will happen once all of us go our different ways.

i was actually scared that we could come to the point where we dont really care what happens in each other's life, such as i dont really care if ur going to get married, and to whom.

that got me thinking about the fact that as much as i hate uia,im really going to miss it when ive finished.the oppressive atmosphere,the hustle and bustle of students late to cleass (me included). my room, which is my temporary sanctuary.haih.

life passes on pretty fast right now.im not sure if everyone else notice it.but im actually scared that i wont be able to savour my memories before its gone.

time to grow up yoh

kak bad.congratulations!dah kawin dah die.haha.

i think it's time for me to grow up.i need to face the reality instead of being ensonced in my own comfort world that i created and face my demons.

sometimes i feel like slapping myself for being such a spoilt wuss.i feel sorry for my parents for having a deranged,spoilt bitch as their eldest.

syaza,life is not a bed of roses anymore.dont wait around waiting for your desires to fal on your lap.work for it la!i bet god doesnt want to grant my wishes because he knows ill be even more spoilt than before.i think ive finally gotten my wake up call.shit....scary...

buang mase

ni i amik from radhi..

Introduction
First Name - Nur Syaza bt. Mohd Zubir
Nickname -zazu, chaja (only my aunt calls me that)
Name you wish you had - ive never had a problem with my name :)
What do people normally mistake your name as -im always annoyed when people spell my name as Shaza.
Birthday - 29 september 1986
Birthplace - hospital pantai, kuala lumpur
Time of Birth - ntahla
Single or taken - taken
Zodiac sign - libra

Your Appearance
How tall are you - 5′ i think..
Wish you were taller - owh yeah.definitely
Eye color - brown
Eye color you want - green
Natural Hair color - jet black
Current Hair color - jet black
Short or long hair - long.my hair looks horrible when its cut short
Curly, Straight, Wavy - wavy.aih..
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair - last year.when the chinese lady potong my hair making me look like some damn harajuku melayu
Do you wear make-up - yes
Ever had hair extensions - aiyah..where to put??on top of my tudung isit?
Paint your nails - no.

In the opposite gender
What color eyes - dark brown
What color hair - black
Shy or Outgoing - outgoing.yes.definitely.
Looks or personality - both.haha.(cant help being a bit shallow can you?)
Sexy or Cute - ahaha..macam pelik je nak jawab...
Serious or Fun - both.i need a rock and the sunshine.
Older or Younger than you -older
A turn on - wah...private and confidential ;)
A turn off - lack of general knowledge, close-minded, stupid, shallow (a whole lot shallower than i am, i mean), and many many more.

This or that
Flowers or Chocolate - both! but chocolates are a MUST!
Pepsi or Coke - dont really drink them as much as radhi does.but coke i guess.
Relationship or One night stand - realtionship.duh.
School or Work - i hate both.can i just be a slacker and travel the world?
Love or Money - both!
Movies or Music - aih..this is a tough one...
Country or City - both!
Sunny or Rainy days - both!
Friends or Family - both
*sume both, baik takyah letak je this section*

Have you ever
Wish you were a prince/princess - no.ive always wanted to be a superhero with superpowers.i wanted to be a ninja
Liked someone who was taken - hm...no.i dont think so.
Shaved your head - wahaha...i wish!
Been in love - yep.
Used chopsticks - yes. but tu pun nak makan lala, atas tunjuk ajar ayam
Sang in the mirror to yourself - hell yeah.im really good with that. (siap buat macam style video clip)

Favorites
Flower - roses.any colour would do :)
Candy - marshmallow!
Song - stay away-the honorary title
Color - blue
Movie - banyak sgt.bowfinger is one of 'em
Singer - ni pun banyak
Word - babi.shit.aiyoh
Junk food - chocolates....
Website - um..google...*poyo habis
Lotion - mane2 pun.currently using st.ives intensive healing
Animal - cats.though i wished i could bela a tupai or a koala bear
Ever cried over someone - yes
Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself - yes.
Do you think you’re attractive - haha..thats a trick question rite?
If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose - none?owh!maybe hansel and gretel.they get to eat the candy house :)
Do you play any sports - i swim.once a month.does that count?

III The rules:- Link to your tagger and post these rules.List (8) random facts about yourself and tag (8) people.

1)i talk to myself
2)i like the smell of petrol
3)i daydream a lot to the extent that sometimes i almost believe in it
4)i like watching nat.geo,history,and discovery channel, much to the chagrin of my other family members yang nak tgk ria,sports and etc.
5)i play make believe and barbie dolls until i was fourteen
6)i like eating nestum on its own, i.e. without milk
7)i hate orang2 yang pentingkan darjat and kekayaan.im not an ass kisser
8)im a penakut.but im actually brave in certain things. *like radhi told me once, im always game for anything

the weekend

with the work assigned to me safely in areque`s laptop, i was off to meet you.god..its been 3 weeks now eh?almost a month..

we watched the movies.we ate at old town.we walked around window shopping (or i did..hahaha).and we took the train.

it felt like the old times.i wish this will never grow old with you.i hope we can always do this everytime you come back home.hoepfully ill be able to offer much more memorable moments the next time you come back.lala perhaps?i hope that indian dude hasnt forgotten us.

p/s:riding the bus,snuggling to you and eventually falling asleep while those two nepalese guys yakking like the whole bus understood nepalese was worth the 3 weeks wait. :)

summary of everything

well...i passed my jpj test!!yippee!!!hahaha

anyways..this week is really a shitty one.just had my quiz.and i think im not really nailing it.aiyah..but the weekend before was worth it :) even if i had to face a load of shitty work..but yeah... :)

thank you for coming.its been awhile since i feel this way.i miss the closeness.love you.

is uia what it is supposed to be?

the very idea of creating uia in the first place was to create a platform for the muslim to thrive in the latest knowledge and technology. the idea of educating students in an islamic environment is indeed an ideal and perfect condition of producing students of high quality as well as high ethics and values.

sadly,this is not the real scenario pertaining uia.though the rules and regulations are made to exemplify the close to perfect being, the results rae not quite what they are expecting. people, are full of flaws. people, make mistakes.

the lecturers are supposed to be the model muslim teacher are exhibiting the mentality and personality of a 'kampung' person. the students?big,labuh tudung,wearing the 'kopiah'?are they islamic enough?is cutting queues and driving like a madman islamic for you?is backbiting and discriminating others islamic for you?the staffs?well,lets not get to that shall we?

the current uia now has deviate from the main and sole purpose why it was built.why is this happening?why are the students deprived from its right to have a healthy and productive learning envrionment instead of being shoved outdated lectures and close-minded perceptions of the lecturers.sudents need to be given the space to find themselves, and be able to express their ideas without being condemned and persecuted.i think, uia has failed from its original course.

superstar

if i want to be a superstar..i have to have straight teeth, zero tummy, zero cellulite, and the perfect attitude.

i think id rather be me. at least i still have people who'd stick by me :D haha

haiyoh haiyoh haiyoh

im not sure if the other uni kids are going through what we are now, but the workload is gila man...

at least ive completed my research proposal, found an advisor for my project paper, secured a place for practical training, and about to go for my jpj test.

JPJ TEST??WTF...im scared shitless la..i hate the bukit.bukit sux.

i cant wait for you to come back home :)

not so unhappy anymore

wow.sue.u made my day. :) thank you for the blogpost.

i admit that i succumbed to work pressure.campuslife, as we all know it, is a one BIG crappy thing that we will cherish forever. but right now,im not really going into that cherish art just yet.maybe in 10 years time.

nina came by and hug.nina's really good with hugging.somehow when she did that,your problems feel like a puny chore you can handle,when the fact that its like a life-threatening thing.

i am amazed by how little things can lift you up.i should be out there more often.instead of moping around like a zombie.

today.i will finish my research proposal with flair.tomorrow,you will see me as your UN/national geographic girl ;) im starting to believe that it is possible.i do have the right to be something big,even if i wasnt much of an achiever like "you". i have all the love and suport i need to push forward.do you?owh..i "bet" you do. *smirks* (note: this is an issue i had waaaayyy back.in case anybody thinks this is about them.there's a possibility its not)

unhappiness

i cant stop blogging about about my unhappiness because yeah, im unhappy.sorry guys.but hey,how am i supposed to channel my unhappiness?

these sickening moments really do come often nowadays.im not really sure what instigated it, but it happens frequently.currently i feel like killing the lecturer that is putting me through hell for making me feel like a fucking idiot and forcing me to complete the assignment that i dont have any idea how to do it.i am fucking lost.and my grades are going to be as low as ever.sometimes being friends with top students really do have its downside.(im not saying i dont like being friends with you guys,but right now im just hating myself for being so stupid)

why am i not doing the assignment right now?because i have been trying to write it down and et i am unable to do it.i cant think of anything.i hate uia.no.i should hate myself for not being able to do the assignment.

im unhappy.i dont know who to turn to.i called you and you didnt answer.do you know im unhappy rite now?do you know im hating this distance right now?i hate you.do you know that?i cant stand this anymore.i think i might go bonkers with all these bullshit.i never know that studying can be such a crappy thing.

the utopian campus life

sara mentioned the other day that it's nearly the end of the semester already.i was quite stunned to hear that because it only seemed like a week ago that i just moved into the room for 2nd semester.

as the end of semester draws near, quite a lot of frustrating emotions were swirling in my 'ead.it is the fact that i have yet to achieve my perfect campus life. you know, enjoying every moment being in the uni?reading under the tree, meeting new people everyday,joining in interesting clubs and societies, and all that shitty things they portray in the freaking tv.its not real!!!i cant believe i've been duped.

lecturers being open-minded and classes as interesting as a freaking broadway play,you dressing really casually enjoying an interactive and informative debate about the current world issues with your classmate...well...there're all LIES!!!

which reminds us all ladies and gentlemen,the media..is evil.the end.

good byes are never easy

i cried when you drove off. im such a wimp.

i know you'll be worried about me.i am a 'budak kecik' after all. :) but i'll be fine. there's nothing i can't handle. :)

i'll wait for you.here.my days here are numbered anyways.i'm beginning to miss you.i hate this

this gratitudeness dont come that often

I think ive been pretty lucky in life. I have supportive parents and a great family as a whole. I have an incredible boyfriend, great friends, and my studies are not so bad. I don’t even know why im so depressed and disappointed with life at times. I admit that sometimes I go overboard and get carried away about the fact that my life is not that fulfilling in terms of monetary, but nevertheless, I don’t think im up to the point that I have to scrimp for food everyday. So I think im pretty good right now. Yes, maybe I don’t have a car, nor had enough money to go for the switchfoot concert, but hey, im still pretty good rite?

I still have killer clothes, my shoes, and bags are well taken care of, so what’s the fuss? I should stay this way more often.

Being depressed is not such a sunny expression. It’s not good for my image. Hah!

death and many other wishes

ive lost count on how many times i wish i were dead.the other day i almost got hit by a car, and the feeling was undescribable.wishing for death is not a normal thing, but yet, so many people have wished for it countless of times.

im not sure why i want to die, but maybe its because i think my existence in life is not required.or maybe because i think im a burden to the people around me.but nevertheless, opting for death is such a cowardly .....way out.

why do people want death?its so...menakutkan.being all alone in the grave,nothing but your amal to keep you company,given if you have any.i think ive been brainwashed by the media,about how there is no life after death,thus,death seems like a sweeter option in order to escape the cruelty of life.i solely blame U.S for this.

i think i need to re-evaluate my life.*i know ive said this hundreds of times* i need to go away for awile and come back as a new person that loves the way she is and the way God has provided for her.i need this.i think i need help.i think i need a friend.*im so lost here*

bad bad mood

i hate it when im in a foul mood.i think its best for me to go away.away from the others, and away from civilization.because i think i know why people vandalizes things,because they have this surpressed anger, and the closest satisfaction you can get, and to stop you from going amuk and kill people, is to kick the lockers that are next to your class, or to kick the tables and chairs in your class.

there are a lot of reasons why you're in a bad mood.but im not going to jot everything down right now because i dont think anybody is interested in listening.this sux.

anyway,if only there isnt that stupid quiz about safe city.id probably be in my room dwelling in my unhappiness instead of having to do it here in this stupid kaed building,

Dear God

i think i have a problem with being grateful for what i have.i blame my environment while i was in subang for turning me into a materialistic b**ch.i think god is angry with me.thats why He cut off the strap of my favourite polka dot dress.

i think i should learn the art of gratitudeness.i should be grateful for what i have, and not resentful over what i dont have.sometimes i pity my parents for raising such a "bongok" kid like me.but i assure you that i will take care of my parents when they get old.not to forget my sisters.

i think the reason why God doesnt want to give me a car is because He knows i am not meant for it.i can drive.everyone knows i can drive.but maybe if i have a car,my condition will definitely get worse than it is now.24 hours outing, lotsa travelling to johor, and maybe..lesser time spent at home *im so jahat sometimes*. but dear God,i really want to take my sisters out for a movie, and go shopping with my mum.i really want to drive my sisters to school and back.

and God, i'd really like to have a house.i really wish my family can have a house of our own.i hope my sisters will have a better life than they have now.i really hope my mum will have her dream garden and her dream kitchen.i hope i can help designing my sisters bedroom.

so dear God,please consider my wishes.i will try to be good if i have a car.no "joli2" or clubbing, because ive already sworn not to go to any clubs anymore.remember?so please God.i know you're listening :)

blessings and in between

i used to be in this group of friends. though they were great friends, and they mean well most of the time, but i was never really happy.i was not really sure about what,but mostly it has a lot to do with my self-esteem.

we drifted apart, and found new friends, and recently i read a post from one of them, about how she enjoyed the weekend they spent together, this circle which i used to associate myself with, but now, not so.it used to hurt knowing that i was subtly excluded, but then again, maybe it was due to me "membawa diri".

i was spiteful and angry for awhile, but now, not so.ive become more comfortable to be honest about myself and ive found friends, and though they are not what people call perfect, but i am happy most of the time.

to the subangians, take care and i wish you all the best.thank you for being my friends during the "remaja" days.

me and my self-esteem

i think i flunked my research method quiz.i think ive just dug a hole to bury myself alive.xcept.you cant actuallybury yourself alive, you need people to masukkan the tanah into your grave from atas and all..okay..im crapping right now.maybe its because of all that stress just now.

id like to think i have friends.i do.but you cant really read what goes through the heads of your chums.see..i have a problem.and i think i need to re-evaluate how i see myself and how i perceive myself to people.i have a really low self-esteem when it comes to hanging out with my buds.im not really sure why.just that conciousness is really starting to bug me."im not pretty enough to hang out with these people", "im not rich enough to hang out with all these people", "im not 'uptown' enough to hang out with all these people". i think if the 5 girls are reading this while im around, i'll pretty much get that 'luku kepale' thing.

but yeah..i cant lie to myself.cewah.so dramatic.but what to do oso.anyways.ive got chop2.i have another quiz that awaits my death.

tentang seseorang

im supposed to be studying since i have a kick-ass quiz tomorrow morning,but yeah..here i am blogging away..

rejection is never easy.all these while you're thinking everything is dandy, the next thing you know, you're reading a cleo article and suddenly you realized that what you thought was okay was actually the other way around.then only you could describe the uneasiness that you've felt all these while.then only things have started to explain themselves.

i dont think im fit for your world.i know you're trying to tell me all these while, but hey, sometimes ignorance is actually more soothing than the truth.thank you for spelling it out for me.okay.you dont need me there.you never did.but why didnt you say so??this is really frustrating.i wished id know sooner so that i wont waste my time caring.caring is an awfully tedious job when it comes to you.do you knw that?

i dont need to make the effort anymore,oh thank god.its so mentally and physically demanding.so listen,i actually get it.times change.so this is our changing phase.im letting you go now.im really letting you go.you are no more a part of me than i am a part of yours.

i used to love you.now i dont know why i did.

everyone's leaving

im starting to get really frustrated with this bloody broadband.i cant believe the service is so stooopiddddddd......

ive been spending a lot of of my time with my girlfriends and my boyfriend.maybe because of the very reason that they are leaving..soon...i cant really imagine my campus life without sue and kuhaz.and without ayam.i feel sick in my stomach already.i hate this

they're like my rock.my emotion stabilizers.how in the world am i going to go through life hereee..in this stoopid campus without my rocks????

it used to be a really petty subject.but as the date looms closer than only suddenly you realize that nothing last forever.

oh god.sappy shit.god.my boyfriend is leaving soon...soon!like less than a month!!!!i hate this...and sue and kuhaz..two months!!!!i hate this!!!!

random thoughts

i havent started on my community service yet.50 hours tercangak kat library tu!god..anyway, right now i am focusing on trying to find a place for practical training.i really hope i'll be able to get in AJC.please.please.please.

as you grow older,the less you see of your friends.i dont know why..but that is a hakikat.i guess so.you spend most of your times with the ones closest to you at that moment of your life, though you still cherish the times you had with your childhood buddies and your schoolmates, the fact that everyone has already a definite course of life scares me.because i think that is what is happening to me.

i am hoping that by the time i get married, there will be people coming to my wedding.it would be really awful if there's only 5 people present.

takot hantoo

I admit. I am a scaredy-cat. I am scared of ghosts..(it doesn’t sound so scary when you said ghosts as compared to hantu, hantu is scarier) anyway, put, my studiomate told me about the time she saw a hantu pochong when she came back late from the studio. She was alone at that time, which was 3 a.m. when she saw a white tall figure moving from the back of a tree, few yards from her. God Help her, she muttered, when her eyes snapped back at the same spot, the figure came closer, and the next thing she knows, she was running towards her room, and engulfed by high fever the next day.
You see, fear of these things are very much instilled in everyone. Maybe except for Radhi and Kuhaz. Because they apparently do not think that hantu is a scary being. And the reason why sometimes only we can see these things is because they can smell the fear, and.. umm…how to explain it in English? It sounded so funny when I translated it into English from bm. This is supposedly a ghost story, its not meant to be funny. Anyway…these hantus can appear right in front of your eyes only..its because, once they know that you takut kat diorang, they will try to find this lubang ketakutan, and later on, they appear only in your eyes, and not other people who are maybe not as scared as you.
I am such a coward that I was brushing my teeth alone in the toilet when I remembered put’s story, I dashed to my room and recover a sleep-dishelved looking sara as my companion before I carry on with the rest of my business. Why..why..is this happening? what the hell is wring with me??

hijab or no hijab?

I don’t know what is up with my head lately. My ‘confusion’ on the state of my headdress…to wear or not to wear. For starters, I am re-thinking about my status as a hijab-wearing girl becauussee…I don’t think I am worthy of a hijab, hijab signifies the commitment you have undertaken to become a good, law-abiding muslim, my behavior however speaks otherwise. And if I don’t wear hijab, my mum will be out to get me, my mother, the vicious disciplinarian. Another reason why I don’t think im ready for a hijab, I don’t want to wear it because I’m scared of my mum, I want to wear it because I am afraid of God.
Anyway, I have to admit, the feeling of not wearing hijab is almost liberating. Almost. And sad to say this, I must say, I am more noticeable among the opposite sex when I am not wearing the hijab. Though it is rather off-putting at times, I actually enjoy the extra attention I received. I know..wicked wicked me. Oh.. god…how am I ever going to be a good muslim if the idea of wearing the hijab is actually a burden to me? I hate feeling so ungrateful and ‘bongkak’. Life is only a temporary stop-over. Shit,I am so going to get it from Him.

i am scared

february is getting closer and i am trying my best to grasp all the time i have left to be with you.after this,nothing will be the same again.

if only you know how hard it is for me right now.i will miss you.a lot.

new year.here here.

okay.i think im getting a bit old for all this countdown thing.and also the going out part.because it sucked.yesterday sucked.too many people.add that with sweat and other's b.o.ough!and the kids?i felt like smacking their heads.werent their parents aware that their kids were on a loose?drinking beer like it was the coolest thing on earth.such kampung posers.

anyway.new year brought a new meaning to my life *okay,this is just total crap actually*. but anyhow....a lot of memorable things happened.and i hope this year will be better than the last :)

p/s:im done with resolutions.bukannye ikut pun.

freaking out

okay...term paper susah giler siot.whoever said studying is fun?omg.i have yet to report to the chief librarian.and i am supposed to complete my community thingy in 6 months.no wait.5 months time!MANE SEMPAT????

homework

one down.two more to go :)

shit happens

i asked my dad how did he know he was meant for my mum.he said he didnt know.even until now.my mum told me to do sembahyang istikharah if i want to find if ayam is the one for me.and i have yet to do that. think im running out of time.i need to know before he goes off to johor.

ive always wonder if he is the one for me.we are great in so many ways,but he does have his flaws too.which i find it hard to accept.how do you know if that person is the one?i think my relationship with ayam has somehow drift apart over the year.the emotional attachment is not as strong as it was before.i find myself hoping for soemone else that is actually my soulmate, to suddenly appear and whisk me off my feet quickly before i become too attached to this man called rahime.

i even questioned his part in the relationship, if he is actually serious about us.about me.and i cant even answer that with confidence.its actually kinda scary that you're not certain about how you're partner feels about you.

sometimes i'd berangan about my perfect guy suddenly appearing in my life.quite entertaining actually,but its also a total bullshit because im about to graduate from uia, and no guys have ever made any attempts to whisk me off my feet.or even be the guy that i want.this is sad.depressing even.

but there are times, *which is quite often* that i am actually grateful to have ayam.and yet i cant really shake off this feeling of hoping to meet someone perfect for me.its quite horrible to tink this way when you've already a boyfriend who loves you warts and all.oh well, shit happens i guess.you cant really help it if this is how your guts are feeling at this moment.

i have to study but i hate it

i hate uia.did i tell you that?i bet you've heard it a million times by now.i hate this place.its so depressing.no one can actually describe how depressing it is.it just is.

i have abundant of work and assignments that has yet to be finished.and yet im still very much stuck where i am.i just wont budge from my dream phase.

i should stop being so whiny.its not good for me.

last day and cant wait!!

wah..tokyo disneyland ramai giler orang.rimas nak mampos.i asked my cousin was it this packed when she went 10 years ago,and she said the last time she went was worse.so,this was considered quite okay.*serious shit?*

in the end,i only managed to get on 4 rides.no,wait,5.out of belas belas and puluhan.5!!but i think tu pun dah kire oaky.because for one ride,we had to queue for over an hour!and it was freezing cold.

but nevertheless,my aunt bought me a stitch hat.it was superbly kawaii :) oh god,back to my dear tanah aoir tomorrow.cant wait.but im also not really looking forward to it because of all those kerja2 waiting sweetly for me back home.taknak balik!!!haha

but anyway,ive had enough of the cold.*although i love it sometimes ;)*i miss my family,my friends,and my boyfriend.i think i want to get home as fast as i can.haha.as if i can tell the pilot to sprint it up a lil' bit ;)

p/s:did i mention that i get to eat krispy kreme?and yes,it was heavenly. :)

hohoho

hohoho.merry christmas everyone.

yesterday i almost *note that,almost* went up to mt.fuji, but sadly the road up to the mountain was closed due to heavy snow the night before.*yay!finally i managed to touch snow!*

and yesterday,of all the days,and of all the places,i sprained my ankle when i was coming down the stairs at the Ginza station. *and yay!i got to ride the bullet train!!*

but anyway,today,more shopping was done.and i am now officially broke.haha.but im happy anyway,because i managed to accomplish everything on my "things i want to do in japan" list. except for one thing that's left,tokyo disneyland!which hopefully,if god permits,i will go tomorrow!so ta, i have to eat my maggi now. :)

third day,and my feet wished that they were dead

third day...lets see..more shopping.the thing about tokyo is,its so big that no matter where you go,it is still very much urban.anywhere you stop,will be lined up with hing-end shops, but nevertheless,those that sell things that you will never see back home.well, japanese are fashion-freaks.so,either you're loaded.or not,you can still look very much stylish.actually ive yet to see an ill-dressed jap.

asakusa is an amazing shopping district laden with all these jap artsy-fartsy thingy.ueno?just the thing you wouldnt want to miss.a better version of sungei wang.with shops selling limited edition sneakers,and hip-hop sweatshirt,i was quite surprised to see african guys as salesman in these so-called hip-hop kedai.well, hip-hop is pretty big here.

we stopped at shibuya,hoping to find the 100 yen store,but to no avail.anyway,lets just hope better luck on monday.because tomorrow im going to mount fuji!!yatta!

p/s:i ate tempura for lunch,and i never knew it was GOOD.god,why didnt you guys tell me??!!

day one jalan2

okay..not really day one, but anyway,today was the our first day of exploring tokyo.and i have to say, now i know why japanese are healthy lots.they are fucking fit!

our first stop was shibuya, which was the place of origin of the ever-famous harajuku culture.i was kinda expecting weird-looking japanese teens with out-of-this-world outfit,but sadly,they all look normal,and cooler.than me.of course.i look like some bundled up dork.anyway,we didnt really have time to shop (its like our sungei wang,sneakers are freaking cheap and cooler looking than back home) because we went to the meiji temple.*though we're probably coming back the next day :)

okay,meiji temple,they should award these people who actually made to this temple wearing stilletos(did i spell it correctly?) and high-heels that can paralyse your feet.anyway,guess who i met writing a prayer at this tree where they hang all this prayer boards..HORATIO FROM CSI:MIAMI!!!okay,to cut the story short.after much of rude oglings, my cousin bravely asked if we could take pictures with him and he said yes!wahaha!guys..i will show you the pix when i get back.i am so not lying to you.

okay,next stop,akihabara (low-yat version jepun) only, the whole place is infested with electronic shops..there are certain things that are waaayyy cheaper here,but ipod?not much difference.sorry guys.yep,sorry for me too.but the gadgets?out of this world.all kinds of things that can make you pening and wish you never step foot in the shop because you cringe just trying to restrain yourself from buying things that you dont really need.

next,ginza.ah-ha.high-end retails,branded goods.a new york look-alike.people totting lv,coach,hermes, like its nothing.people buying max mara like they're shopping at reject shop.we can only watch and salivate over the juicy,shiny,things that we all know we cant really buy,unless we mortgage ourselves.but anyway..feets starting to ache.tummy rumbling,and we hope we can really make it back alive.

thing about japan,the transportation?they're THAT good.the subway lines are amazing.that is only the sub..not the train atas okay...radhi i'll save a subway map for you.no wonder dr.azeez keeps talking about japan.

anyway,my dinner was malaysian campur japanese,sambal ikan bilis and nasi jepun.haha.*i wasnt really up for japanese food*

p/s:im really hoping that by tomorrow my legs will be okay again.

yosoko japan!

first day in japan 20th dec,2007

its cold.but its not up to the point that i cant breathe, and suddenly my nose will come off due to frostbite (exaggerating is my biggest gift).

the first impression i get of japan, its a concrete jungle, with its high-rise buildings as trees and trains and monorails like giant caterpillars..okay..i cant think of anything else when i see those trains.

i had my first jap meal tonight,for my dinner.shrimp curry and rice.japanese la sgt.tak rase sgt pun.although the curry is sweet, and not spicy at all (like how a normal curry should taste), and the rice tasted like pulut because of the starch.

tomorrow morning we're shooting off early, to shibuya and akihabara.hohoho.so,i guess i better get enough rest if im going to be on my feet 100% tomorrow.

p/s:things i like being a foreigner is that i can speak bahasa and no one understands.as if we're an exclusive lot.ive been exercising my linguistic skills in japanese that only revolves around saying domo arigato :)

what is going on

i need to break away from reality for a awhile.i dont think i can handle the pressure of existing anymore.its just too much.

i think im a coward in some ways, because of how i always opt for being away instead of facing the problem head-on.but then,im not much of a warrior anyway,i know im capable of so much more and yet ive not expressing my true abilities to take on life as i should be doing.what the hell?

i need to get my self away from becoming the person that i am right now, because i know i'll regret it later somehow.i dont know what i want in life, and i think thats a problem.i just realized that im not prepared to embark in the real world just yet,not that the life im living right now is not real.but anyway,i think i need to do something for myself.

i need this.now.and so help me god.

kerja kerja kerja

i think im taking more than i can handle.but takpelah.i kan superwoman,i think i can take it.i just need some time to settle things down.heh.

it's almost ten days before i'll be terbang'ing to JAPAN!cant wait!aiyoh!i hope i wont get sick and spend the whole trip engulfed by the comforter and staring at the hotel's wall instead of staring at the bullet train (i cant think of anyhting else relating to japan, all thanks to dr. azeez)

anyways...since my credit hour for this semester will be 21.5(im dead meat), tambah dgn subject from encik din yang giler, and mdm azilah yang psycho, i am not too sure that ill be finishing this sem as a healthy and sane person.i hope i will..hmm..

aite.ive got to go and run a few errands.wouldnt want anyone bugging me later when im about to shoot off.sayonara!

lesen part 1

ive alrady gotten my L, and im hoping by january ill be a legal driver.hoho.

the instructor pointed out that i loved to drive fast, though im still a bit sucky when it comes to bukit.why must there be bukit?why cant it be a bumper or something else?aiyah.so menyusahkan one.anyway....

these are the things i'd like to do when i get my licence,so people, if i do not adhere to this list, please feel free to pukul i:

1.take my sisters out jalan2
2.be my mum's full-time driver during the holidays
3.hantar mama to her many weddings and functions
4.drive to subang
5.take ayam's car and drive it as if it's mine,given that i still have to send him and pick him up from work
6.be ayam's part-time driver
7.be the second-in-command when balik kedah and penang
8.be the driver for raya
9.take my cousins, wani,salimah and salihah for lepak2
10.drive without having to feel guilty because now im legally a driver!!!but i still cant langgar orang because nanti kene demerit.humph!

what did you do?

i soooo need to get used to facebook..anyways...aiyoh.college has started and i am not really up for it.i dont think i have the zest to go to classes anymore.maybe because i had a really great holiday :)

oh god.its been days and i still cant get you out of my freaking head.what the hell did you do? thank you for the wonderful time.and i know weeks and months from now, this will all be forgotten,but hey, at least i get a taste of it :)

you are incredible despite looking like a total kutu.haha.i dont know how you managed to pull that off.and why me?now im being really 'kembang hidung'. haha.i cant help it.im beyond help.

thank you for brightening my mundane holiday.hope you'll feel the same way as i do now :D

masalah.masalah

problems.problems.problems.you cant ran away from that huh?since the very first day you're memory starts functioning, problems have already settled comfortably in your mind. different people have different sets of problems.but im not going to talk about other people. im going to talk about myself since this is my damn blog.

ive got tonnes of problems that no one can imagine.my problems are sometimes so 'banyak', that i prefer sleeping than being awake.know why?because when you sleep, you get to dream, and when you dream, anything is possible.you want to be rich?beautiful?smart?powerful?easy, just pop a couple of sleeping pills and you're on.(although i dont need pills to sleep)

i have this self-issue that i have yet to solve.you see, i dont think i am THAT good.to anyone.not my family.my boyfriend.even my friends.sometimes i think im a waste of space.know why?because i think so.i tried too hard for anyone that i feel like kicking myself for beeing bloody stupid.why should i care when no one does right?why do I have to make all the moves?owh boo-hoo syaza.puh-lease.

but now,after analyzing myself, for these past few days.i have come to a decision which is to re-invent myself.no more sleeping to run away from problems.no more feeling sorry for myself.no more being clingy and dependent.i am wonderwoman.yeah.that might solve it.

lets see if ill be blogging again to whine about other things in the future

shoot

we trudged the road together for almost two years now.

but suddenly i realized that i need to get you out of the system.you're pulling me back.into something that seemed like a dream before, but now seems scarier when its upfront with reality.

i realized that i need to do this on my own.no one will be able to be there anymore.no one will have the time to care.im so sorry.you made me do this.you are responsible for this.maybe i have to thank you.i think that's appropriate.

im sorry that i feel this way

relationships are fuckers

im quite confused with the current state of my relationship right now. i dont know if i want to be in it anymore.

freeeezing....

im in a freezing lab.and my bladder is about to burst.but before i drown the whole lab with my pee, i have to wait for the update download to finnish.aiyoh.why must be so bloody slow!

and the fact that this lab is so cold is not helping me much in restraining myself.shit.

break..break..break!

i think i need a break.thank god raya is just around the corner

things you get when you turn 21

life has been quite exhausting these days.time is always short.so is your energy.is this some sort of a hint that you ARE getting old? :D

i have come to realize a few things, when i turn 21.

1)i do not care what people think about me anymore.im now a fully confident with myself, and i dont give a *toot* what they say about me. i know im gorgeous ;) *heehooo*
2)my dressing style has changed.im more attracted to baju orang tua.*i dont even know why, they're just appealing to me* (which was pointed out by ayam and joe when we went to Jalan TAR last week)
3)im more patient and diplomatic (not really a hot - headed yuppy nemore...not all the time anyways)

so it is different when you turn 21..haha..radhi..youve got to wait a little longer.. :)

my birthday

i had a great birthday.though the celebration part has toned down for a bit, but it is still memorable and fab as always :)

sue,ku and sarah came to the room with mismatched slices of cakes put together to make it into half a cake.but hey, call me corny or jiwang, but at that precise moment, i thought that was the most beautiful cake ive ever had. knowing that they had to go the xtra mile to get me a cake was great enough already.

friends i thought wont remember wished me many happy returns. and people (my close buds, family and the bf) i love have constantly reminded me that im never alone.

thank you :)

block giler

i wanted to write about a lot of things. i had so many things,ideas,stories that i wanted to share, yet i am now facing a writer's block.seriously.this is shit lah

i am not amused

i have gone to this saloon twice, and i have come out with the same result twice.

i still look like some jinjang - harakuju - alien like form.my hair i mean.

they found pleasure in thinning my hair to an almost nothingness.i dont know why.and this time i clocked an hour or more.terer jugak lah.

but i wont be amused anymore when ive washed my hair, and it loses the straightness and return back to its original position of being extra wavy.

thank god im wearing tudung.

pre -reg is here!

its so lawak to see almost all the kaedians looking tensed, as if waiting for battle.but in reality, we were about to flood the entire internet connection of uia (uia is reknowned for its slow - mo connection).

the pre - reg season has come again!yippe - ya - yay!we have about 11 minutes left.and all these will depend on how fast i can type.*oh tuhan, harap2 saya dapat register dgn cemerlang*

cuti nak habis dah!!!

even though this particular semester im not working like a maniac, i still welcomed the holidays as i need a time out from uia.

the day we started our holiday i was slapped with a summon from the college's fellow because my room was deemed as "tongkang pecah". which makes me wonder if we actually have any consumers' rights in this particular incident because since all of us are paying the college's fee, to hell with whatever i want to do with my room!

but holidays are a gifts from god :) after a string of shopping trips with my mum, and an abundance dose of spongebob, i am ready to face my demons in UIA

so people, be brave in facing the loopholes that are commonly occurring in uia.all u need is a dose of good ol' spongebob and you're ready to go for battle :)

reminiscent

ive realized how seldom i reflect back to my past.suddenly the old photgraphs just hurt.they're not a reminiscent of the sweet memories anymore, they're just a trigger that twist your heart in a such an astounding way, you cant even explain it.

i wish of many things, i wish i was back in subang.i wish i was back in my old room with the blue blinds, and the comfy bed.i wish my mum still has her garden and her spacious kithchen that she loved so much.i wish i still had a house.

but if i were to stay in subang, would i be able to hold what i have now?would i be able to get a taste of family values,friendship, and yes, love :)

i am where i am today for a reason.and God may not spell it out so profoundly, but its clear alright, i wouldnt have what i have today.though i might not have a solid structure called a house. im glad i still have a home :)

MERDEKA!!

YIPPEE YA YAY!!kite sudah pun 50 tahun merdeka..

malaysians.be proud.and bersyukur. :)

shopping galore

ooh..i love shoes. i love bags..i love clothes!!!

i am indeed a true blue shopping freak.

i love the sights of new shoes paraded on the shelves of the store.i love the smell of new clothes fresh from the store.i love bags!lots and lots of 'em!

so it shouldnt be a surprise when two freaks are left on the loose with cash bruning in their hands and came back with only 10 bux in hand, together with bundles of bags. regardless of the location, a true blue shopper will always find a great deal wherever die dicampakkan (yes, even warta) *the freak is referring to my mother and me

that reminds me of the time my mother, my aunt and i were left unsupervised wandering in langkawi, with my dad safely in alor setar (my dad must've been nuts at that particualr time), when it was time to get back, we were detained at the custom counter because we only had 30 ringgit left, whilst our purchases have obviously exceed a 30 ringgit tax. thank god the officer let us off, but that memory still tickles and true blue shopping freak never learns from their 'mistakes' ;)

im not a plastic bag..drama

anya hindmarch must have heard the pleas of many women who werent able to afford designer togs when she came up with the bag "saya bukan beg plastik".

at the selling price of rm59, of course the bag was sold out by the second week of its intro in kl.and hey! i thot i must have been a lucky bitch when i stumbled across the "ciplak" version during a shopping stroll in georgetown, thinking "maybe tak ramai lagi yang tau pasal beg ni kot".

so, i wore it with pride to uia, with everyone gasping and loving my bag.then the dreaded day came when i was actually carrying the bag, and WHAM! there it was sold publicily at one of the booths at convest. nina tanye, "you beli beg tu kat sini ke?"...oh malunya aku TUHAN

takpe..my bag still resembles the original version whilst the others totally look like rip offs yang terang2..so i continued wearing it when i went out with ayam during merdeka.while waiting for the komuter, "eh b!beg you lah!" ayam pointing excitedly to the lady standing opposite.SHIT!MALU LAGI SKALI!

mengapelah dunia ini begitu kejam sekali?sehingga aku dimalukan dua kali???ini semua gara2 beg yang tidak mahu menjadi plastik...

idle

prof. che musa suddenly quizzes me about transportation, while my friends were able to answer it smoothly, the first thing that came to my mind was a blank paper, and maybe a question mark bulb on my head.

i have come to the conclusion that i am in fact very teruk.im completely unknowledgaeable in anything related to planning, and im scared that im actually in a wrong course.too late to turn back the boat now that we've been on it for 3 years already eh?

shit.im in a deep rut.

i am tired of the this skin

i need to change my skin. but i havent found the one i like yet.aiye.so bosan la like this.

the zoo and the taman

last sunday, 14 urp students (with the exception of amir of course), alighting 4 cars headed to the zoo. in full - knowing that my classmates are not the ones you would call quiet and very polite, the zoo recieved a bunch of loud, noisy and a bit screwed up in the head uni students.

when we arrived just in time to watch the elephant show, we confidently chose the second front row, dismissing the sign that says "you might get wet during the show". when i saw the elephant suddenly standing in front of us, i slowly hid behind the makcik in front of me and crept out of my seat as my other mates were flushed with the foul-smelling water. :D

we then watched the other animal show near the aquarium, we chose the thrid row (after learning the lesson the hard way), and i fell instantly in love with dobby and wished that my house actually has an aqaurium so that i can kidnap it back home. (dobby is a seal by the way)

later, we went to taman tasik perdana just to whisk away time, and actually had fun doing nothing at all. syakir and i aboarded this pedalling boat thingy and pedalled throughout the lake, until our boat got stuck in the middle of the lake. syakir and i actually thought that we had to swim back to the jetty, before a nice malay couple helped us out of our rut. sorry to disturb your romantic moments guys! :)

at the end of the day, i had a headache due to the smelly lifejacket, and because i had been under the sun too long. but nevertheless, i was happy i had the chance to enjoy the company of my classmates, and take stoopid pix, and being completeley carefree without having to worry of submissions of any projects, because we know later in the future we will never arrive at this chance again. :)

im in a freezing lab

im in the postgraduate lab, and the lab is f***ing cold. right now we're learning the hands-on visual realization of traffic.its so cool.its like playing the sims.only that, you u build roads, and you get to drive on it.but the pc is so lembab that by the time i reach my bridge, the day has already turned into nightime.

my tunnels are lompong that it seems like the contarctor has a recurrence of financial disabilities because my tunnels just doesnt seem to be in perfectly straight and fully covered form. :)

im having a really hard time with accepting myself right now. i dont know that you still can have identity crisis or what so ever hardships you go through during early puberscent age at the of 21. aiyoh.

the fight

my boyfriend got beaten up by three of my collegemates.i dont really know what the real deal was, but all i could think of right now is, boys will always be boys. when people say that boys are smarter than girls, please people. i beg to differ. and i dont understand how a brawl can suddenly sound like hysteria when the guard came, expecting the latter, but actually had to deal with the former. i guess the guy who called the guards thought i yang kene hysteria (judging by the way i was screaming and flapping around).

i thought of backing off from being the emcee knwoing that id bump into those jaguh kampong that strangled my boyfriend, but then, come to think of it, why should i give them the pleasure? if they want a pice of me too, ill make sure i make them pekak first with my super-power voice that people thought i histeria.ayam said i was gelabah, but hebat that night. i couldnt agree more :)

my current life

i have been very attached with the sims 2.and to make matters worse, my sims is somewhat rosak that i cant do anything during build mode.i created my characters based on me and ayam and now we have two kids. a boy and a girl.both are bright a+ kids, and i am proud to be the parents of prodigies.but soemhow i am so taksub with my game that i realized that my life, in reality is a mess.i cant cheat any simoleans here, and my social life is not in a full mode either.OH MY GOD!!

what have i done??im so immersed with the game that i dont really care about my REAL life.i should wake up right?for god's sake, im not real!i have blonde hair and i am a leggy beauty!!GOD i love this!*if any of you are concern about my mental health, rest assured that the real me is still a sane person and the contents might have been slightly diperbesarkan to create suspense and excitement*

m&ms

after several visits to the petronas mesra, and a variety of hypermarkets.FINALLY!!IVE FOUND MY OGRE-SIZED M&MS!!!

WHY OGRE-SIZED M&MS ARE COOL?
1.they are twice the size if a normal m&ms candy
2.they taste twice as better
3.tak mahal sangat, lebih 10 sen je.m&ms biase 2.20, ni 2.30
4.they have cutesy ogre symbols on the candy
5.they come in shrek colour
6.they're just cool.alright?

woosh

ill be counting the days till i find out who you are.

you'll be sure that you're a dead man.

saya pelupa

Forgetfulness may be something serious to be looked upon, medical-wise. Or, it could be a humorous journey to some. Im not saying when you’re actually on the verge of going senile, all you have to do is laugh because it’s funny, im saying the harmless stage where your mind isn’t on what you’re doing at the moment, thus, resulting to the burnt hole on your favourite pink shirt because you were actually thinking about your grocery list when you were supposed to be ironing.

Admit it. Not everyone is born with the talent of multi-tasking. We, normal HOMO SAPIENS- quoted from Magneto (X-men), are sadly, with many flaws which Includes short-term memory “loss”.

The other I was at the mall when I ran out of credit, luckily I found a DIGI centre nearby and bought the 10 ringgit top-up card. After I keyed in the serial number, I received an sms saying that the number I punched in was invalid. I was halfway back to the shop, furious because I felt cheated, only to realize that I am using HOTLINK.

How bout this? A studiomate recently when to Coffee Bean to redeem his card (you know, the ones where they give out and you have to get it all stamped and you’ll get a free drink after that). Sadly, his thirst for an ice blended went awry because the waiter told him to go to Starbucks to redeem the card.

Really, tell me, are those incidents obvious signs of going senile? Or merely you transforming into a real-life Dory (that blue fish in Finding Nemo)? The quest begins….

to you

I don’t know what actually triggered it, but it happened. The moment which would not have been possible 2 years ago happened. We boasted that time will never grow us apart, it actually did.

We’ve been in each other’s life for a long time, that I have to admit I still think of you sometimes. Though we thought we couldn’t manage it without each other, it was actually the opposite now.

Though I am not ready yet to fully belt out what’s in my heart now, maybe someday I will. But for now, I hope of the best for you, and I know you can do it.

I know you that well. Haha

all it takes

I was flipping through my phone book when I came across ham’s number. Its been 2 years since I last saw him. I sent him a message and thinking maybe he’d changed his number when I didn’t receive any reply 15 minutes later.

What I did get was a call. And we talked for 40 minutes before we decided to meet up for drinks. We talked for hours on everything in our lives. And we made a promise to meet again when he came back. And I was happy to finally meet the friend I was just thinking about the other day.

I stumbled upon ika’s number and gave her a message. She was one of m close friends in high school, and the last time I saw her was when I bumped into her in uia when her class came for a visit. This later leads to me accompanying her around bangi – kajang – and putrajaya on her expedition to find a job. Our last stop which was alamanda saw both of us having meals bought from Carrefour (because both of us are pokai, and Carrefour foods are cheaper, and taste nice too J) and talking about everything from boyfriends to funny stories on our respective campuses.

All these while when I thought maybe time showed that lives have to move on, all it take is just 5 minutes to put back what means a lot to us back in our lives.

sometimes

Sometimes I’d wonder about the many people whizzing in and out of my life. Whatever has become of them, and how are they right now? it seems that they’ve moved on just fine without me as I am without them. There are times when I’ve felt regrets for not enjoying those certain moments to the fullest, for not appreciating that certain people when I should have, and for not grabbing those moments when the opportunities arose.

I wondered what could have happened if I actually love Iqbal back as much as he loved me, if I actually see that he was perfect for me at that moment of time, instead of hovering over some other guy. Would it make us stay together until now? I wondered what happened to Syaz, if I actually stayed in their group of friends instead of finding Khairun, would it mean that I would still be in touch with them until now. i wondered what could have happened if I stayed in Idayu’s group in Bangi, instead of becoming closer to Anne and Ika, would it mean I’d be a ‘skema’ student and would actually give a shit on my studies? Whatever would happen if I weren’t friends with Intan? Whatever happened to Ham and Rez, the two guys who had been my rock while I was in Bangi.

But if all those things actually happened, it would’ve meant that I would be missing out in a lot of other events happening in my life, I don’t think I’d meet ayam if I had Iqbal, I wouldn’t have met other great friends and learnt the meaning of friendship if I hadn’t been friends with khairun, I wouldn’t have learnt the bitter taste of growing up and overall life if I hadn’t been friends with Ika, and as for Anne, she has always been the one person I could count on if I needed someone, and intan has always been a sort of ‘protector’, from the Izat case, till the veggies, she has always wished for the best of me, and now I hope I won’t let her down. As for ham and rez, I wish them the best in their life, though sometimes I do miss my moments with them, I think we’d be okay for now. But I will never forget them.

All things happened for a reason, this I know, but sometimes im trying very hard to decipher the meaning of these events, and this is what I can come up with. I don’t know about you, but to me this is good enough.

my parents

When I look at my parents, ive always hoped that I would be able to have what they have when im married.

They are now only husband and wife, but best friends. They never hide anything from each other. They constantly talk about everything that’s bogging their mind, and sort it out together, with me secretly eavesdropping of course.

They have never shown their anger and resentment towards each other until I actually thought that they have never had those marriage fights, but everyone does, but they hid it pretty good, fooled me till now. they have always shown their love for each other with those moments when I see them holding hands while watching television. I wont go into details about their intimacy, that’s just gross.

They always find each other’s lame jokes funny, even though it’s not to me (such as the ayam jokes, which are quite rampant nowadays, for example calling ayam, kfc because it is deemed offensive when I referred to ayam’s father as bapak ayam, so they opt for kfc). They are contented with having each other even though the world around them is falling apart. They are blissfully happy being with each other even though friends and families walked in and out of their lives. They love their children they have together and wished for the best of them. They are willing to sacrifice almost anything for their children’s happiness because their children are the testimonial of their love. They have supported one another through thick and thin and have always shown that he is her biggest supporter and likewise, even if others are doubtful, including me. They are respectful towards one another though they constantly poke fun on one another. Another bonus is that they never give a shit when one of them farts in an offensively loud manner (hint: my male parent).

They have never shown their love for each other fading. And that is the most important.

from a sister

I’ve only found out that my sisters have Attention Deficit Disorder a few days ago. After 14 years being their big sister, I’ve just recently found out that my sisters have ADD. Maybe to some people, they would say they have ADD as a joke, but my sisters are diagnosed with ADD. This was why my sisters are still illiterate at the age of 14. I have never really given much thought of my sisters’ condition, until now. When I am in university, and I began to understand why ibu has always emphasized that my sisters will be my responsibilities in the future, when they’re gone. This is why I have to take my mother’s word literally.

Hundreds of visits to the hospital when we were kids have always been an agony to me. It meant I have to wake up early in the morning on a weekend just to avoid the catastrophic traffic of Kuala Lumpur, just to visit my sisters’ therapist at the HUKL. Although sometimes I looked forward to going to the HUKL’s café for their delicious donuts, I never understood the purpose of why my sisters had to visit the lady with the spectacles inside the room filled with toys and colorful balls, and why my sister Syanaz had to wear a specially – ordered shoes, but my dad said because she had difficulties in walking. Syanaz has always been the slower one, when Syafinaz, the youngest, was able to walk, she was still crawling.

I never understood why my sisters had speech difficulties and sometimes their pronunciation was different than other people, such as toilet was pronounced as toyet. And I never could grasp the reality that my sisters were slow learners until when I realized that they still had difficulties in reading at the age 12. I have to admit that all these while I was so embarrassed with my sisters’ condition that I never really cared what they had to go through, bullied by the kids from the neighborhood, never had the opportunity to go out and play with the other kids, because they didn’t want to play with them, and not being able to have a spoiled and wonderful childhood like I had, because of many other reasons. I was a cold – hearted and ignorant bitch.

Despite me being a horrible sister, it was them who were eager to talk to me on the phone when my dad called, just to ask if I had eaten. It was them who were eager to accompany my parents to send me off to college every time I came back. And it was them who were worried for me when I cried during one of my horrible break – ups. Although I had wished that God would reward them with a normal life one fine day, which I have to admit, one of the stupidest wish I have ever made, I have finally accepted my sister as they are. And I thank God for bringing them into my life. Imagine what would be like if I was the only child, I don’t think life would be as blissful as now.

Although they might not have the childhood like I had, but I know that they will be okay being surrounded by people who love them, and I think that is enough and as long as they have each other. My dearest sisters, although I know I don’t show it, and I have not always been the greatest sister, but I promise you with my life that I will always be there, taking care and loving you always.

a job

20th April 2007

I just got my first job today. After a series of rejection at the oh-so-‘cool’ Alamanda shopping mall, an unexpected turn to the bulatan perdana landed me on my first job, a part – time crew at the Dairy King ice cream parlor. Yah yah yah yah!!! Take that alamanda!!

Berikut merupakan deskripsi pekerjaan baru saya:
I’ll be working from 8.30 a.m until 3 p.m., so to all of you who wish to contact me, please do so after 3.
I’ll be working for 6.5 hours.
The wage is not much, though it is kept as a secret for fear of possible extortion by any anonymous blog reader (not that anyone reads my bog..haha)
My first pay will be spent on getting my fixed mp4 yang dah berbulan terceruk at the kedai.

I couldn’t help but grin throughout the entire journey back home. After a week of job hunting, finally someone wants me! Aww….at first I thought that i don’t think I can ever show my face at alamanda again. Ill bet the whole community of alamanda can recognize my face as the girl who couldn’t get a job. But now, who gives a shit coz I got a FRIGGIN’ JOB!!!

21st April

First day at work

Arrived at 8.10 a.m. and realized the front door is not open yet. Wandered around aimlessly at the playground in the front and wondered how the pak guards and makcik cleaners managed to get themselves in. then saw two kids who I think are also part – timers and they were snickering when they saw me with my futile efforts to get in, when the glass door won’t open, not because the sensor was rosak, but the damn sensor wasn’t switched on yet. 15 minutes later asked a pakcik how to get in, and followed him to the back door. Realized that now I can’t use the front door if I want to get my butt on time, but have to settle for the back door, where the others used.

Kak fauziah arrived 15 minutes late. But she taught me almost everything I need to know to handle the whole booth. She’s a good teacher, a patient and very soft – spoken person, and lets just say I am a fast learner..hahaha. and by 10, ive got the gist on how to manage the booth.

At 11, another girl, Siti, came, who was a year younger and a part timer also. She’s been working there for 4 months now, just finished her STPM. A soft – spoken kelantanese and a very nice person. And I noticed that she is very cekap with scooping ice cream, even with two scoops at a time. Scooping ice cream is one of my major kelemahan, kak fauziah told me to practice scooping ice cream at home.

Ive managed to learn how to operate the cash register, whip up a milkshake, make almost all the different toppings they have, and how to fold a packet of napkins in a short time. Hordes of Chinese tourists who didn’t understand a single word of English is a pain in the ass and it adds salt to the wound when they kept on asking if they can use their currency. What are we, an ice cream booth cum money changer?

The staffs could stop complaining about how hot it is, because the air cond is not really working, on us, but the area okay je. It made matters worse when the food court management took away our fan with a promise of a cooler temperature in a while, but takde rase ape2 pun.

By the end of my shift, I realized my legs have nearly come off and my body has never felt so much pain before. I thought my whole body would patah2 and id just die. The fact that I was crammed in the car due to the stupid congestion in damansara on the way to send wanie off is not helping me ease my agonies.

2nd day
22nd April

Arrived early, took the back door and realized Kak Zarina, the other kakak, is not there yet. Kak zarina, or what the others called mukna, is not the warmest person on earth. Don’t know why, and don’t want to know. I’ve decided to just stick doing my job when I realized she hasn’t spoken a word to me, aside from telling me what I should do. And realized she might not like me that much when I asked if I should change the banana strawberry tub because it was too soft and it was difficult to scoop it, and she said nonchalantly, “saya buat boleh”, and I just nodded red – faced.

An hour later, realized that maybe she is not too bad, she taught me a lot of things, including how to scoop a soft ice cream, and maybe she is just slow in the warming up process. When siti came, kak zarina instantly lights up and suddenly she was very talkative, to siti lah. Aiya, nevermind lah, malas mau amik peduli, I just do my work and get my pay, ok dah.

By the end of the day, managed to scoop two ice creams at a time, and learned how to do the slushee mix. And my hands hurt like hell due to ice berg – like ice creams.

And they were still complaining about the panas temperature.

23rd April
3rd day of work

Arrived on time and get on with my job, kak zarina arrived about 15 minutes later. She took no time in putting me to labour with waffle – mixing!! The agony of yesterday wasn’t really healed and now I had to whip up the stupid waffle mix.

And when it was over, she taught me how to make the waffle cones, shich I have to say, something I really hate now. a number of failed attempts to roll the damn waffle into a cone, and finally I got the rhythm. But I am still weak in putting the lump of the waffle mix on the taster because mine kept getting puffy when it was masak, instead of flat and crunchy.

By the end of the day, I realized that I can’t really hate the Chinese tourists because they are our biggest customers, even if they are rude, impatient and yells at you. They are sometimes nice, and I realized that I don’t want to work in this type of job for the rest of my life. I am very much grateful to be in university. And I hate it when ayam said “ now you know how hard it is to earn money”, because its true.

amidst the faces

Amidst the faces

Amidst the many beautiful faces, you saw me.

Amidst the many beautiful people surrounding you, you saw me.

Amidst the many demure and soft personalities that are the favorites of many, you chose my robustness.

Amidst the many normal choices you could’ve made, you made a different one.

Amidst the many faces racing past my head, I saw you too.

Amidst the blurry thoughts spoken about you, I saw right through you.

Amidst the many obstacles faced, I stayed with you.

Amidst the many new faces approaching, I loved you.

And I still do, and growing more each day.

to naim

The other I found my old diary in which I wrote my heart out when I have just finished spm. I discovered a lot of things related to my life which was new, forgotten and very foreign. One of the significant entries was of my relationship with naim before it turned sour.

Though I told a lot of people we broke up because of his refusal to understand my newfound way of life when I took up built environment, it was actually becase I wasn’t really putting my head into the relationship, but he was the opposite.

The diary entries rattled on about how great he was, and actually, it was true. I can’t believe it took me 4 years to finally find out about it. I blame my ignorant self and my difficulties in deciphering the intentions and feelings of other people around me, and not to forget my never ending daydreaming.

He was actually the best I had before ayam came. He showed his loyalty to me despite me being in gombak, and him in bangi. He was patiently waiting for me to come home, which was quite rare because of my irregular period at that moment. (I was in gombak to khatam quran). And he made sure we see each other everyday whenever I came back, meaning he would drive illegally to take me out for breakfast, and made the plans to go out (which is the complete opposite in my current, and other relationships, where I have to make the plans).

He’d call every night from the public phone not far from his house when I’m in gombak, and he even woke up at 3 am to catch me before I push off to penang with my aunt and her family. He even came to mid valley just to meet me for 2 hours because my aunt had to run a few errands there. How he swat off the snide remarks and stories of my past relationship with izat with pride. He even missed his grandfather’s tahlil to meet up with me before I leave for matrix uia. He never made any moves to get physical and made sure that I knew that he didn’t care about my past.

Despite the shitty ending, especially when he was being an ass when he mintak balik the stuff he gave me, I guess I deserved it. If I’m not mistaken, it started when I chose to go to subang instead of hanging out with him during our anniversary. And I think that did it. I persuaded khairun to drive all the way to his college so I could meet him (but I didn’t in the end because his rumah sewa was actually in bdr. Tasik selatan, I didn’t know because I didn’t care enough to ask, I guess) it was actually pointless because the moment I drove him to edge where he finally saw that it wasn’t worth to stay in the relationship, he had finally closed the book of trying to make it work in the one man show relationship.

I never knew I could be so heartless to a guy who gave it all to me. Though I was heartbroken for a few days, and the first time I cried when I broke up, I recovered quickly and moved on like there was no yesterday. My theory was, i thought I loved him, but it was only just an infatuation. Now, after four years, finally I know how it was. I wished I knew back then. Naim, I hope you’ll forgive me.

top5

top 5 wierdest request ever recieved:
1. banana split without the banana
2.banana without the split..or ice cream...or whatever u call it
3.ais kacang a.k.a abc
4.cornetto
5.100 plus yang kakak fauziah(a fulltimer) drank

Life of a Dairy King Ice Cream Parlor Worker:
1.proudest skill acquired: able to scoop two ice creams at once
2.weirdest order received : Banana Split without the banana
3.the reason why working at an ice cream parlor sux: u start having dreams of taking ice cream orders
4.most favored flavour to be scooped : mint chips because its just nice
5.most hated flavour to be scooped : the new chocolate flavored from berkley’s farm, because its as sticky as a starch and as hard as an ice, which results to hands becoming sore, and persistent sweating even if you are surrounded by freezers.
6.current favourite color : pink, because that’s the color of the uniform
7.current hated color: pink, because that’s the color of the uniform
8.most hated moment during working : the time when a group of senior aged Chinese tourist who do not understand a single word of English, and wanted to buy ice creams, but they were short of a few bux, but they claimed they gave 10 bux earlier, it lead to a war of words by using two different languages and the ladies speaking with an unusually high-pitched voices, and lasted for about 15 minutes, it drove away most of the other customers, and ended with me paying for one of the ice cream just to get rid of the ladies.
9.current favourite past time : folding napkins into two, with an average of two packets a day
10.future goal in life after quitting: if anyone ever asked me to scoop ice creams during any family functions I swear I’ll throw the scoop at that person’s face.

kuantan and many other things

kuantan and many other things....

kuantan,as we all know is our site during the second semester of 2nd year(ill be in 3rd year soon :O) going back there to sue's house brings back memories of me walking alone at the town center,ticking the number of public facilities found(which is a LOT), and surpressing myself not to show the 'jari' whenever a motorist passed by with 'hey awak',or 'but ape sorang2', or 'boleh berkenalan'.

sue's place is very very very nice,sue, can i call impiana so that they can feature your house in their mag?me like 100%

and we had TREMENDOUS fun there,just like a perfect holiday get away, only cozier.thanks sue for being the perfect hostess :)

promosi pakej percutian, rumah banglo di tepi pantai,disertakan dengan pelbagai aktiviti-aktiviti menarik untuk mengisi masa lapang, seperti menunggang kuda, bermain ps,menonton movie lotr, berenang di kolam renang, dan melepak di berjaya megamall.menu harian juga amat menarik.nasi,ayam goreng dan sambal belacan! :)

and i noticed one thing, my two friends are very much in love, and after reading their blogs,it is proven true,haha.and i am happy for them. :)

as for me?i am very much in love with the same person who made me turn into a walking zombie for a month.and though it is not perfect, but i am very much contented with the fact that i found someone who loves me.finally.and i am not hesitant to love him wholeheartedly.which is a blessing because i know it wont go to waste.this might sound corny, but it is a fact.before this i didnt see what he's done for me.now i do.and boy,am i glad i found him :)

myself

sometimes i dont even know i i have problems in venting out my frustration and anger.sometimes when i wnated to, rationality takes place and it actually works.but most of the times it clogged up my head until i start having dreams and it starts affecting the way i act towards people

it frustrates me even more knowing i didnt give the rightful treatment they deserve, but it makes me realize how lucky i am to have them by my side.

so,being friends with well-to-do people does have it drawbacks sometimes.for someone like me.material possesions are not everything, that's what people kept on telling me.sometimes its nice to have a comforting statement such as that.but most of the time it clouds my head so much that i hate myself for having such a weak control on my life.

i am capable of many great things, and yet i am moping on the unfairness of reality.my family is not well-of as many presumed,but we managed.i dont have many things that my friends do,sometimes i am so ashamed by that fact that i wish i can just dissapear. but having thoughts like that is insulting to myself,and i know it would hurt my family if they knew about this. my dad,amidst the condition that we are in now,is surprisingly a hopeless optimist.soemtimes it angers me that he doesnt wake up to the reality that we are facing now and deal with this logically.but this only makes me uglier for i am such a pessimist that someone ought to kill me straight away.

our trip to kuantan makes me wish that one day ill have a life like sue.coming back home, i wished i was back in subang, when everything was alright.and i didnt have to feel to embarassed with myself.such cowardly words should not be uttered by anyone, but i did.all the time.ayam kept one telling me this is the phase where god is testing me, to see if im strong and capable of going through this.but it has been 5 years.how much longer do i have to wait?he said one day everyhting will be okay.funny,that was what my dad said.

i dont think half of my friends know that this is who i am.i am so shallow that i think they'd refuse to be friends with me if they find out.but i find solace in talking things through with my boyfriend, but most of the time i feel like a faker for not coming clean with this.

i am sorry if you feel like you've been lied to. i didnt mean it.i am trying very hard to avert my thoughts from complaining about my unluckiness when i know there are many who are far worse than i am.soemtimes this is hard when you have friends with bux and cars,not that i hate them for being lucky in life.i like them for their personalities.not for their ipods and branded clothing.im sorry if you feel that i am friends with you just because of that.that wasnt what i intended at all.i love my five girlfriends.theyve been with me through thick and thin,and i'd like to think they're friends with me because of me.ive never had many chances to buy them lunch,because most of the time i couldn't afford to.but i wished someday i could.sue paid for me at pizza hut when i lost my wallet and i had no money.countless of times i borrowed sarah's money, and nina always pays for me.kuhaz,ida, theyve never asked for the mobney i borrowed,till i paid them back slowly.as for ayam, he was always there when i had no money left.i couldnt gather the courage to call my dad because i know he doesnt have enough back at home either.money is important.but so is friendship.i am not ashamed of my life anymore.i may be poor,but i know i am still okay.i have what i need here.and that is enough for now.

guys.thanks.im forever indebted to you.

gratitude seabad lalu

ive had gone through a LOT of shitHOLES this sem.but this is the turning point in life where you will eventually know who to trust.and who you can call as friends.heidi.i really hope one day you akan sedar.and to my studiomates.thanx guys.for backing us up.

my studio stuf is slowing down..maybe due to the excessive drama ongoing. but i hope my grades are still okay.why did i even take up URP?god knows.

me and ayam are officially a year lebih now :) and i hope nobody gets any twisted relationship like i am now. :)

there are so many things id like to jot down but i cant.so..ill see you guys later yah.