Tuesday, April 17, 2007

kuantan and many other things

kuantan and many other things....

kuantan,as we all know is our site during the second semester of 2nd year(ill be in 3rd year soon :O) going back there to sue's house brings back memories of me walking alone at the town center,ticking the number of public facilities found(which is a LOT), and surpressing myself not to show the 'jari' whenever a motorist passed by with 'hey awak',or 'but ape sorang2', or 'boleh berkenalan'.

sue's place is very very very nice,sue, can i call impiana so that they can feature your house in their mag?me like 100%

and we had TREMENDOUS fun there,just like a perfect holiday get away, only cozier.thanks sue for being the perfect hostess :)

promosi pakej percutian, rumah banglo di tepi pantai,disertakan dengan pelbagai aktiviti-aktiviti menarik untuk mengisi masa lapang, seperti menunggang kuda, bermain ps,menonton movie lotr, berenang di kolam renang, dan melepak di berjaya megamall.menu harian juga amat menarik.nasi,ayam goreng dan sambal belacan! :)

and i noticed one thing, my two friends are very much in love, and after reading their blogs,it is proven true,haha.and i am happy for them. :)

as for me?i am very much in love with the same person who made me turn into a walking zombie for a month.and though it is not perfect, but i am very much contented with the fact that i found someone who loves me.finally.and i am not hesitant to love him wholeheartedly.which is a blessing because i know it wont go to waste.this might sound corny, but it is a fact.before this i didnt see what he's done for me.now i do.and boy,am i glad i found him :)


sometimes i dont even know i i have problems in venting out my frustration and anger.sometimes when i wnated to, rationality takes place and it actually works.but most of the times it clogged up my head until i start having dreams and it starts affecting the way i act towards people

it frustrates me even more knowing i didnt give the rightful treatment they deserve, but it makes me realize how lucky i am to have them by my side.

so,being friends with well-to-do people does have it drawbacks sometimes.for someone like me.material possesions are not everything, that's what people kept on telling me.sometimes its nice to have a comforting statement such as that.but most of the time it clouds my head so much that i hate myself for having such a weak control on my life.

i am capable of many great things, and yet i am moping on the unfairness of reality.my family is not well-of as many presumed,but we managed.i dont have many things that my friends do,sometimes i am so ashamed by that fact that i wish i can just dissapear. but having thoughts like that is insulting to myself,and i know it would hurt my family if they knew about this. my dad,amidst the condition that we are in now,is surprisingly a hopeless optimist.soemtimes it angers me that he doesnt wake up to the reality that we are facing now and deal with this logically.but this only makes me uglier for i am such a pessimist that someone ought to kill me straight away.

our trip to kuantan makes me wish that one day ill have a life like sue.coming back home, i wished i was back in subang, when everything was alright.and i didnt have to feel to embarassed with myself.such cowardly words should not be uttered by anyone, but i did.all the time.ayam kept one telling me this is the phase where god is testing me, to see if im strong and capable of going through this.but it has been 5 years.how much longer do i have to wait?he said one day everyhting will be okay.funny,that was what my dad said.

i dont think half of my friends know that this is who i am.i am so shallow that i think they'd refuse to be friends with me if they find out.but i find solace in talking things through with my boyfriend, but most of the time i feel like a faker for not coming clean with this.

i am sorry if you feel like you've been lied to. i didnt mean it.i am trying very hard to avert my thoughts from complaining about my unluckiness when i know there are many who are far worse than i am.soemtimes this is hard when you have friends with bux and cars,not that i hate them for being lucky in life.i like them for their personalities.not for their ipods and branded clothing.im sorry if you feel that i am friends with you just because of that.that wasnt what i intended at all.i love my five girlfriends.theyve been with me through thick and thin,and i'd like to think they're friends with me because of me.ive never had many chances to buy them lunch,because most of the time i couldn't afford to.but i wished someday i could.sue paid for me at pizza hut when i lost my wallet and i had no money.countless of times i borrowed sarah's money, and nina always pays for me.kuhaz,ida, theyve never asked for the mobney i borrowed,till i paid them back slowly.as for ayam, he was always there when i had no money left.i couldnt gather the courage to call my dad because i know he doesnt have enough back at home either.money is important.but so is friendship.i am not ashamed of my life anymore.i may be poor,but i know i am still okay.i have what i need here.and that is enough for now.

guys.thanks.im forever indebted to you.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

gratitude seabad lalu

ive had gone through a LOT of shitHOLES this sem.but this is the turning point in life where you will eventually know who to trust.and who you can call as friends.heidi.i really hope one day you akan sedar.and to my studiomates.thanx guys.for backing us up.

my studio stuf is slowing down..maybe due to the excessive drama ongoing. but i hope my grades are still okay.why did i even take up URP?god knows.

me and ayam are officially a year lebih now :) and i hope nobody gets any twisted relationship like i am now. :)

there are so many things id like to jot down but i cant.so..ill see you guys later yah.