Thursday, October 23, 2008

cuba lah kalau berani

being disadvantaged? i call this being strong and willfull.

words can never bring me down..but yes..stick and stones can break my bones.

pretending to be concerned?please shove that in the dustbin.i dont need anymore hypocrisy.ive had that for years.'re so HEBAT...*think i'd actually say that to you?are you delusional?

that tiny voice

i can do this. *breathing in deeply
im absolutely sure that i want this *breathing in again
but no one told you to do so
you put this upon yourself

in the toilet..while waiting

i was thinking how i'd actually be when im forty. this realization came when i was the toilet (well..some of you know the average time i have to spend in that god-forsaken place)... and there was nothing left to do but to think about what my future would be.

a tiny place in my mind nudges me to go forward, before there is no more time left, and i'd be an old fogy before i realize it. another voice was still as whiny as ever (whining about the current situation of life, and its unfortunate events)..

if i dont this now..i never one can actually assure me that they have my back because they don't. im actually really alone in this. i've just realized this. the toilet.

p/s:aside from thinking of my goals that has yet to be fulfilled, ive also thought about how i would look like when my youth has gotten the better of me. im not sure im looking forward to that.

emotional baggage

emotional baggage are just too heavy to be lugged around.they should be dropped off as soon as there's an opportunity to do so.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

what's the problem?

"jaga-jaga nanti tangan bengkak", she reminded me the 100th time. we dont say much to each other, but i will forego my own life for them in a heartbeat.

the stares, the odd look they gave them made me boil and mentally stopping myself from going there and yanking the hairs out of their stupid, ignorant head.shut up! so what if they will never be normal?what is normal to you??are YOU normal?you think you're better than them??FAT F***ing CHANCE..

they dont judge like you do, they dont discriminate like you do.tell me who's the better person?piss off.

the ugly phase is over

the mother forego her money set aside for her new clothes so that her daughters could have new ones. "i wished i could give you the things you wanted, you know that". the daughter sulked and stormed upstairs.

the tired mother fryed some chicken, which was one of her daughter's favourite dish, and called her her for dinner, "i fried you some chicken". she replied hastily "im having dinner outside", and grabbed the keys to the old car and drove off. where she spent valuable time that should be spent at home with her friends, that dont even know the names of her sisters.

im not her anymore. i hated that ugly person. no words could describe how sorry i am to have treated you this way. but i could never imganed living without you. you have always been my pillar of strength, and my rock. i wished i could erased those shameful moments in my life, when i made you cry and sad, but i couldnt. i love you more than anything i could imagine, and this is my promise to you, i will never be ugly again.ever.

i love you ibu.

the man i love the most

he handed me the few last 50 notes in his wallet. "take it, at least we all have nasik at home". silence. my lips quivered as i struggled to keep my tears in. if he'd known how much i have changed underneath, i think i'd be breaking his heart over and over again.

this false face im displaying was not intended to hurt you, but its because i love you more than anyone else in the world.

i hope we'll get through this ayah. i love you.

dreaming part 1

i think im somehow blessed with the ability to have awesome dreams when i sleep. not that its always a positive awesome, but sometimes it could be kinda morbid in way that its awesome because its like a story of its own. if i pen down everything ive dreamt before, i think i would have been one of the most successful script or screenplay writer ever. only if im in hollywood or something because i dont really think malaysian viewers can digest the complexity of my dreams, let alone having the budget to produce it...*cewah..cakap macam hebat je...

p/s: last night i dreamt maman, a schoolmate of mine wanted to stab me..i dont even know why..

Thursday, October 09, 2008

slamat hari raya

hahaha..i lupe! selamat hari raya everyone!!and maaf zahir....batin tak payah la kan?

seperti biasalah..the rahman clan beraya di kl jah since my grandparents from each side have passed away.but the funny thing was, even when they were still here, we've always celebrated raya in kl.the fact that my family still has a strong utara-accent and prepare utara dishes makes us (the younger generation) somehow remain rooted to our "origin".

this year's celebration seemed somewhat dimmed, maybe because all of us are now grown up, so the spirit of raya is a bit lukewarm.abang adik's kids were a handful and i never thought being an aunt can be a challenging task.

anyhoots..this raya has (in its mysterious ways) peppered me with a speck of maturity and now im glad that ive become more contented with life. life is not always a bed of roses.this took me six years to actually understand its true salute to the ones that faces life head-on and say "you cant bring me down!im and immovable object!"~cewah, macam batman la pulak "an unstoppable force meets and immovable object".

though this raya has somehow caused a bit of a strain, im glad it didnt damper my family's spirit.i think im the luckiest person on earth to have such an amazing family. :)

p/s:our jakun-ness of the kampung was one of the reasons why my sisters cycled straight into the bendang when we went back to penang and visited one of tok's relatives (this was light years ago).they thought it was a lush, green open space...budak-budak kota ni....~clucking tongue

new found hobby

ive found a new when i dont even know who the blogger is.there was this one occasion in which i bumped into the "empunya" blog, and i was close to being star-strucked.its like meeting a celebrity of some sort. i mean, of course she doesnt know i exist, but then knowing what her thoughts were, events occuring in her life makes me feel weird.a teeny bit.

does that mean im creepy?does it mean im violating some sort of an unspoken rule or something?

intrigued.that was me.of their lives.of other people's lives.besides mine.oh my even beginning to sound creepy ....

*syaza has since searched for a new hobby as to avoid the awkard realization that she might be a creepy person

kan dah susah

me and my insecurities.why god.why??

i did something that ive never done before in my WHOLE entire life.surfing the boyfriend's exes' page and profile.syaza ko takde keje lain lagi ke ape..amende nak cari masalah. now im feeling all insecure about myself because i know i will never be like them.


research method-last episode

ill bet everyone is glad to know that my research method class is officially OVER.i just hope i didnt flunk the quiz SUCKED big time..and no more CHE DIN!!HOORAY!!


Your birthday is something that you think you own. It is YOUR day. The day you are supposed to feel special. Of course as you grow older, the spiciness of that day sort of just blend in the background of your life, instead of adding zest to that Monday, or whatever day it is like it used to when you were 10 years old. Financial matters do play an important role here, no moolahs, means no extravagant celebration. But then again, money is not so important, in fact its what is around us that makes us feel special. That’s why I’d like to thank my friends, faliq and cousins that wished me happy birthday along with their crazy messages (faliq wished me 5 times whilst kuhaz wished me 3 times..Talk about being nuts..hahaha), J my family for getting my favourite chocolate cake, and mama for bearing with my cake even though she loathes chocolate. And ika and rose for the wonderful nite out at jalan tar. Now I really do feel like an adult, going out to kl at midnight only to return after sahur is quite an adult-ish thing to do J (don’t mind me for my jakun-ness). And the funny thing is my parents are totally okay with it! (On the contrary of a few nights back when faliq and I missed a turning and only reached my house at 3 am). Wow. I really do feel 22 now.

the little bits left

i find myself still visiting his page, his flickr, and his profile.sometimes i wonder if im ever going to get over this.its been 4 months, and still his "moments" are etched in my stupid stupid head.

i shouldnt be the one mourning when im the one who left.but i had to.because i realized that it was beginning to destroy me.inside out.friends have commented how "glowing" i look now, when the truth is, i just cant seem to kick the bucket and get it over and done with.

ach..the heart is a sensitive entity of its own.i wondered of he'd ever had my "moments".i wished him happy, seriously i do.i love him despite the split.but i've found happiness in another.sometimes i think what i did was despicable, leaving him for my own happiness, but i guess ive made the right choice. both of us are thriving in own lives, and we didnt realize that we were the ones dragging each other down.

now tha baggage is gone, so has the sallowness of the face.glowing.that was what acap told me.i was glowing.i hadn't heard that for two years.