Monday, December 31, 2007

freaking out

okay...term paper susah giler siot.whoever said studying is fun?omg.i have yet to report to the chief librarian.and i am supposed to complete my community thingy in 6 wait.5 months time!MANE SEMPAT????


one down.two more to go :)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

shit happens

i asked my dad how did he know he was meant for my mum.he said he didnt know.even until mum told me to do sembahyang istikharah if i want to find if ayam is the one for me.and i have yet to do that. think im running out of time.i need to know before he goes off to johor.

ive always wonder if he is the one for me.we are great in so many ways,but he does have his flaws too.which i find it hard to do you know if that person is the one?i think my relationship with ayam has somehow drift apart over the year.the emotional attachment is not as strong as it was before.i find myself hoping for soemone else that is actually my soulmate, to suddenly appear and whisk me off my feet quickly before i become too attached to this man called rahime.

i even questioned his part in the relationship, if he is actually serious about us.about me.and i cant even answer that with confidence.its actually kinda scary that you're not certain about how you're partner feels about you.

sometimes i'd berangan about my perfect guy suddenly appearing in my life.quite entertaining actually,but its also a total bullshit because im about to graduate from uia, and no guys have ever made any attempts to whisk me off my feet.or even be the guy that i want.this is sad.depressing even.

but there are times, *which is quite often* that i am actually grateful to have ayam.and yet i cant really shake off this feeling of hoping to meet someone perfect for me.its quite horrible to tink this way when you've already a boyfriend who loves you warts and all.oh well, shit happens i cant really help it if this is how your guts are feeling at this moment.

i have to study but i hate it

i hate uia.did i tell you that?i bet you've heard it a million times by now.i hate this place.its so one can actually describe how depressing it just is.

i have abundant of work and assignments that has yet to be finished.and yet im still very much stuck where i am.i just wont budge from my dream phase.

i should stop being so whiny.its not good for me.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

last day and cant wait!! disneyland ramai giler orang.rimas nak mampos.i asked my cousin was it this packed when she went 10 years ago,and she said the last time she went was,this was considered quite okay.*serious shit?*

in the end,i only managed to get on 4,wait,5.out of belas belas and puluhan.5!!but i think tu pun dah kire oaky.because for one ride,we had to queue for over an hour!and it was freezing cold.

but nevertheless,my aunt bought me a stitch was superbly kawaii :) oh god,back to my dear tanah aoir tomorrow.cant wait.but im also not really looking forward to it because of all those kerja2 waiting sweetly for me back home.taknak balik!!!haha

but anyway,ive had enough of the cold.*although i love it sometimes ;)*i miss my family,my friends,and my boyfriend.i think i want to get home as fast as i if i can tell the pilot to sprint it up a lil' bit ;)

p/s:did i mention that i get to eat krispy kreme?and yes,it was heavenly. :)

Monday, December 24, 2007


hohoho.merry christmas everyone.

yesterday i almost *note that,almost* went up to mt.fuji, but sadly the road up to the mountain was closed due to heavy snow the night before.*yay!finally i managed to touch snow!*

and yesterday,of all the days,and of all the places,i sprained my ankle when i was coming down the stairs at the Ginza station. *and yay!i got to ride the bullet train!!*

but anyway,today,more shopping was done.and i am now officially broke.haha.but im happy anyway,because i managed to accomplish everything on my "things i want to do in japan" list. except for one thing that's left,tokyo disneyland!which hopefully,if god permits,i will go tomorrow!so ta, i have to eat my maggi now. :)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

third day,and my feet wished that they were dead

third day...lets see..more shopping.the thing about tokyo is,its so big that no matter where you go,it is still very much urban.anywhere you stop,will be lined up with hing-end shops, but nevertheless,those that sell things that you will never see back home.well, japanese are,either you're loaded.or not,you can still look very much stylish.actually ive yet to see an ill-dressed jap.

asakusa is an amazing shopping district laden with all these jap artsy-fartsy thingy.ueno?just the thing you wouldnt want to miss.a better version of sungei wang.with shops selling limited edition sneakers,and hip-hop sweatshirt,i was quite surprised to see african guys as salesman in these so-called hip-hop kedai.well, hip-hop is pretty big here.

we stopped at shibuya,hoping to find the 100 yen store,but to no avail.anyway,lets just hope better luck on monday.because tomorrow im going to mount fuji!!yatta!

p/s:i ate tempura for lunch,and i never knew it was GOOD.god,why didnt you guys tell me??!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

day one jalan2

okay..not really day one, but anyway,today was the our first day of exploring tokyo.and i have to say, now i know why japanese are healthy lots.they are fucking fit!

our first stop was shibuya, which was the place of origin of the ever-famous harajuku culture.i was kinda expecting weird-looking japanese teens with out-of-this-world outfit,but sadly,they all look normal,and cooler.than me.of course.i look like some bundled up dork.anyway,we didnt really have time to shop (its like our sungei wang,sneakers are freaking cheap and cooler looking than back home) because we went to the meiji temple.*though we're probably coming back the next day :)

okay,meiji temple,they should award these people who actually made to this temple wearing stilletos(did i spell it correctly?) and high-heels that can paralyse your feet.anyway,guess who i met writing a prayer at this tree where they hang all this prayer boards..HORATIO FROM CSI:MIAMI!!!okay,to cut the story short.after much of rude oglings, my cousin bravely asked if we could take pictures with him and he said yes!wahaha!guys..i will show you the pix when i get back.i am so not lying to you.

okay,next stop,akihabara (low-yat version jepun) only, the whole place is infested with electronic shops..there are certain things that are waaayyy cheaper here,but ipod?not much difference.sorry guys.yep,sorry for me too.but the gadgets?out of this world.all kinds of things that can make you pening and wish you never step foot in the shop because you cringe just trying to restrain yourself from buying things that you dont really need.

next,ginza.ah-ha.high-end retails,branded goods.a new york look-alike.people totting lv,coach,hermes, like its nothing.people buying max mara like they're shopping at reject shop.we can only watch and salivate over the juicy,shiny,things that we all know we cant really buy,unless we mortgage ourselves.but anyway..feets starting to ache.tummy rumbling,and we hope we can really make it back alive.

thing about japan,the transportation?they're THAT good.the subway lines are amazing.that is only the sub..not the train atas okay...radhi i'll save a subway map for wonder dr.azeez keeps talking about japan.

anyway,my dinner was malaysian campur japanese,sambal ikan bilis and nasi jepun.haha.*i wasnt really up for japanese food*

p/s:im really hoping that by tomorrow my legs will be okay again.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

yosoko japan!

first day in japan 20th dec,2007

its cold.but its not up to the point that i cant breathe, and suddenly my nose will come off due to frostbite (exaggerating is my biggest gift).

the first impression i get of japan, its a concrete jungle, with its high-rise buildings as trees and trains and monorails like giant caterpillars..okay..i cant think of anything else when i see those trains.

i had my first jap meal tonight,for my dinner.shrimp curry and rice.japanese la sgt.tak rase sgt pun.although the curry is sweet, and not spicy at all (like how a normal curry should taste), and the rice tasted like pulut because of the starch.

tomorrow morning we're shooting off early, to shibuya and,i guess i better get enough rest if im going to be on my feet 100% tomorrow.

p/s:things i like being a foreigner is that i can speak bahasa and no one if we're an exclusive lot.ive been exercising my linguistic skills in japanese that only revolves around saying domo arigato :)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

what is going on

i need to break away from reality for a awhile.i dont think i can handle the pressure of existing anymore.its just too much.

i think im a coward in some ways, because of how i always opt for being away instead of facing the problem head-on.but then,im not much of a warrior anyway,i know im capable of so much more and yet ive not expressing my true abilities to take on life as i should be doing.what the hell?

i need to get my self away from becoming the person that i am right now, because i know i'll regret it later somehow.i dont know what i want in life, and i think thats a problem.i just realized that im not prepared to embark in the real world just yet,not that the life im living right now is not real.but anyway,i think i need to do something for myself.

i need so help me god.

Friday, December 07, 2007

kerja kerja kerja

i think im taking more than i can handle.but takpelah.i kan superwoman,i think i can take it.i just need some time to settle things down.heh.

it's almost ten days before i'll be terbang'ing to JAPAN!cant wait!aiyoh!i hope i wont get sick and spend the whole trip engulfed by the comforter and staring at the hotel's wall instead of staring at the bullet train (i cant think of anyhting else relating to japan, all thanks to dr. azeez)

anyways...since my credit hour for this semester will be 21.5(im dead meat), tambah dgn subject from encik din yang giler, and mdm azilah yang psycho, i am not too sure that ill be finishing this sem as a healthy and sane person.i hope i will..hmm..

aite.ive got to go and run a few errands.wouldnt want anyone bugging me later when im about to shoot off.sayonara!

Monday, December 03, 2007

lesen part 1

ive alrady gotten my L, and im hoping by january ill be a legal driver.hoho.

the instructor pointed out that i loved to drive fast, though im still a bit sucky when it comes to bukit.why must there be bukit?why cant it be a bumper or something else? menyusahkan one.anyway....

these are the things i'd like to do when i get my licence,so people, if i do not adhere to this list, please feel free to pukul i:

1.take my sisters out jalan2 my mum's full-time driver during the holidays
3.hantar mama to her many weddings and functions to subang
5.take ayam's car and drive it as if it's mine,given that i still have to send him and pick him up from work ayam's part-time driver the second-in-command when balik kedah and penang the driver for raya
9.take my cousins, wani,salimah and salihah for lepak2 without having to feel guilty because now im legally a driver!!!but i still cant langgar orang because nanti kene demerit.humph!

what did you do?

i soooo need to get used to has started and i am not really up for it.i dont think i have the zest to go to classes anymore.maybe because i had a really great holiday :)

oh god.its been days and i still cant get you out of my freaking head.what the hell did you do? thank you for the wonderful time.and i know weeks and months from now, this will all be forgotten,but hey, at least i get a taste of it :)

you are incredible despite looking like a total kutu.haha.i dont know how you managed to pull that off.and why me?now im being really 'kembang hidung'. haha.i cant help beyond help.

thank you for brightening my mundane holiday.hope you'll feel the same way as i do now :D

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

masalah.masalah cant ran away from that huh?since the very first day you're memory starts functioning, problems have already settled comfortably in your mind. different people have different sets of problems.but im not going to talk about other people. im going to talk about myself since this is my damn blog.

ive got tonnes of problems that no one can problems are sometimes so 'banyak', that i prefer sleeping than being awake.know why?because when you sleep, you get to dream, and when you dream, anything is want to be rich?beautiful?smart?powerful?easy, just pop a couple of sleeping pills and you're on.(although i dont need pills to sleep)

i have this self-issue that i have yet to see, i dont think i am THAT anyone.not my boyfriend.even my friends.sometimes i think im a waste of space.know why?because i think so.i tried too hard for anyone that i feel like kicking myself for beeing bloody stupid.why should i care when no one does right?why do I have to make all the moves?owh boo-hoo syaza.puh-lease.

but now,after analyzing myself, for these past few days.i have come to a decision which is to re-invent more sleeping to run away from more feeling sorry for more being clingy and dependent.i am wonderwoman.yeah.that might solve it.

lets see if ill be blogging again to whine about other things in the future


we trudged the road together for almost two years now.

but suddenly i realized that i need to get you out of the're pulling me back.into something that seemed like a dream before, but now seems scarier when its upfront with reality.

i realized that i need to do this on my one will be able to be there one will have the time to so made me do are responsible for this.maybe i have to thank you.i think that's appropriate.

im sorry that i feel this way

Monday, October 22, 2007

relationships are fuckers

im quite confused with the current state of my relationship right now. i dont know if i want to be in it anymore.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


im in a freezing lab.and my bladder is about to burst.but before i drown the whole lab with my pee, i have to wait for the update download to finnish.aiyoh.why must be so bloody slow!

and the fact that this lab is so cold is not helping me much in restraining myself.shit.

Monday, October 08, 2007


i think i need a break.thank god raya is just around the corner

things you get when you turn 21

life has been quite exhausting these days.time is always is your this some sort of a hint that you ARE getting old? :D

i have come to realize a few things, when i turn 21.

1)i do not care what people think about me now a fully confident with myself, and i dont give a *toot* what they say about me. i know im gorgeous ;) *heehooo*
2)my dressing style has more attracted to baju orang tua.*i dont even know why, they're just appealing to me* (which was pointed out by ayam and joe when we went to Jalan TAR last week)
3)im more patient and diplomatic (not really a hot - headed yuppy nemore...not all the time anyways)

so it is different when you turn 21..haha..radhi..youve got to wait a little longer.. :)

my birthday

i had a great birthday.though the celebration part has toned down for a bit, but it is still memorable and fab as always :)

sue,ku and sarah came to the room with mismatched slices of cakes put together to make it into half a cake.but hey, call me corny or jiwang, but at that precise moment, i thought that was the most beautiful cake ive ever had. knowing that they had to go the xtra mile to get me a cake was great enough already.

friends i thought wont remember wished me many happy returns. and people (my close buds, family and the bf) i love have constantly reminded me that im never alone.

thank you :)

Monday, September 17, 2007

block giler

i wanted to write about a lot of things. i had so many things,ideas,stories that i wanted to share, yet i am now facing a writer's block.seriously.this is shit lah

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

i am not amused

i have gone to this saloon twice, and i have come out with the same result twice.

i still look like some jinjang - harakuju - alien like hair i mean.

they found pleasure in thinning my hair to an almost nothingness.i dont know why.and this time i clocked an hour or more.terer jugak lah.

but i wont be amused anymore when ive washed my hair, and it loses the straightness and return back to its original position of being extra wavy.

thank god im wearing tudung.

pre -reg is here!

its so lawak to see almost all the kaedians looking tensed, as if waiting for battle.but in reality, we were about to flood the entire internet connection of uia (uia is reknowned for its slow - mo connection).

the pre - reg season has come again!yippe - ya - yay!we have about 11 minutes left.and all these will depend on how fast i can type.*oh tuhan, harap2 saya dapat register dgn cemerlang*

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

cuti nak habis dah!!!

even though this particular semester im not working like a maniac, i still welcomed the holidays as i need a time out from uia.

the day we started our holiday i was slapped with a summon from the college's fellow because my room was deemed as "tongkang pecah". which makes me wonder if we actually have any consumers' rights in this particular incident because since all of us are paying the college's fee, to hell with whatever i want to do with my room!

but holidays are a gifts from god :) after a string of shopping trips with my mum, and an abundance dose of spongebob, i am ready to face my demons in UIA

so people, be brave in facing the loopholes that are commonly occurring in uia.all u need is a dose of good ol' spongebob and you're ready to go for battle :)

Monday, September 03, 2007


ive realized how seldom i reflect back to my past.suddenly the old photgraphs just hurt.they're not a reminiscent of the sweet memories anymore, they're just a trigger that twist your heart in a such an astounding way, you cant even explain it.

i wish of many things, i wish i was back in subang.i wish i was back in my old room with the blue blinds, and the comfy bed.i wish my mum still has her garden and her spacious kithchen that she loved so much.i wish i still had a house.

but if i were to stay in subang, would i be able to hold what i have now?would i be able to get a taste of family values,friendship, and yes, love :)

i am where i am today for a reason.and God may not spell it out so profoundly, but its clear alright, i wouldnt have what i have today.though i might not have a solid structure called a house. im glad i still have a home :)


YIPPEE YA YAY!!kite sudah pun 50 tahun merdeka.. proud.and bersyukur. :)

shopping galore

ooh..i love shoes. i love bags..i love clothes!!!

i am indeed a true blue shopping freak.

i love the sights of new shoes paraded on the shelves of the store.i love the smell of new clothes fresh from the store.i love bags!lots and lots of 'em!

so it shouldnt be a surprise when two freaks are left on the loose with cash bruning in their hands and came back with only 10 bux in hand, together with bundles of bags. regardless of the location, a true blue shopper will always find a great deal wherever die dicampakkan (yes, even warta) *the freak is referring to my mother and me

that reminds me of the time my mother, my aunt and i were left unsupervised wandering in langkawi, with my dad safely in alor setar (my dad must've been nuts at that particualr time), when it was time to get back, we were detained at the custom counter because we only had 30 ringgit left, whilst our purchases have obviously exceed a 30 ringgit tax. thank god the officer let us off, but that memory still tickles and true blue shopping freak never learns from their 'mistakes' ;)

im not a plastic bag..drama

anya hindmarch must have heard the pleas of many women who werent able to afford designer togs when she came up with the bag "saya bukan beg plastik".

at the selling price of rm59, of course the bag was sold out by the second week of its intro in kl.and hey! i thot i must have been a lucky bitch when i stumbled across the "ciplak" version during a shopping stroll in georgetown, thinking "maybe tak ramai lagi yang tau pasal beg ni kot".

so, i wore it with pride to uia, with everyone gasping and loving my bag.then the dreaded day came when i was actually carrying the bag, and WHAM! there it was sold publicily at one of the booths at convest. nina tanye, "you beli beg tu kat sini ke?"...oh malunya aku TUHAN bag still resembles the original version whilst the others totally look like rip offs yang i continued wearing it when i went out with ayam during merdeka.while waiting for the komuter, "eh b!beg you lah!" ayam pointing excitedly to the lady standing opposite.SHIT!MALU LAGI SKALI!

mengapelah dunia ini begitu kejam sekali?sehingga aku dimalukan dua kali???ini semua gara2 beg yang tidak mahu menjadi plastik...

Saturday, August 11, 2007


prof. che musa suddenly quizzes me about transportation, while my friends were able to answer it smoothly, the first thing that came to my mind was a blank paper, and maybe a question mark bulb on my head.

i have come to the conclusion that i am in fact very completely unknowledgaeable in anything related to planning, and im scared that im actually in a wrong course.too late to turn back the boat now that we've been on it for 3 years already eh? in a deep rut.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

i am tired of the this skin

i need to change my skin. but i havent found the one i like bosan la like this.

the zoo and the taman

last sunday, 14 urp students (with the exception of amir of course), alighting 4 cars headed to the zoo. in full - knowing that my classmates are not the ones you would call quiet and very polite, the zoo recieved a bunch of loud, noisy and a bit screwed up in the head uni students.

when we arrived just in time to watch the elephant show, we confidently chose the second front row, dismissing the sign that says "you might get wet during the show". when i saw the elephant suddenly standing in front of us, i slowly hid behind the makcik in front of me and crept out of my seat as my other mates were flushed with the foul-smelling water. :D

we then watched the other animal show near the aquarium, we chose the thrid row (after learning the lesson the hard way), and i fell instantly in love with dobby and wished that my house actually has an aqaurium so that i can kidnap it back home. (dobby is a seal by the way)

later, we went to taman tasik perdana just to whisk away time, and actually had fun doing nothing at all. syakir and i aboarded this pedalling boat thingy and pedalled throughout the lake, until our boat got stuck in the middle of the lake. syakir and i actually thought that we had to swim back to the jetty, before a nice malay couple helped us out of our rut. sorry to disturb your romantic moments guys! :)

at the end of the day, i had a headache due to the smelly lifejacket, and because i had been under the sun too long. but nevertheless, i was happy i had the chance to enjoy the company of my classmates, and take stoopid pix, and being completeley carefree without having to worry of submissions of any projects, because we know later in the future we will never arrive at this chance again. :)

Saturday, July 28, 2007

im in a freezing lab

im in the postgraduate lab, and the lab is f***ing cold. right now we're learning the hands-on visual realization of traffic.its so cool.its like playing the sims.only that, you u build roads, and you get to drive on it.but the pc is so lembab that by the time i reach my bridge, the day has already turned into nightime.

my tunnels are lompong that it seems like the contarctor has a recurrence of financial disabilities because my tunnels just doesnt seem to be in perfectly straight and fully covered form. :)

im having a really hard time with accepting myself right now. i dont know that you still can have identity crisis or what so ever hardships you go through during early puberscent age at the of 21. aiyoh.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

the fight

my boyfriend got beaten up by three of my collegemates.i dont really know what the real deal was, but all i could think of right now is, boys will always be boys. when people say that boys are smarter than girls, please people. i beg to differ. and i dont understand how a brawl can suddenly sound like hysteria when the guard came, expecting the latter, but actually had to deal with the former. i guess the guy who called the guards thought i yang kene hysteria (judging by the way i was screaming and flapping around).

i thought of backing off from being the emcee knwoing that id bump into those jaguh kampong that strangled my boyfriend, but then, come to think of it, why should i give them the pleasure? if they want a pice of me too, ill make sure i make them pekak first with my super-power voice that people thought i histeria.ayam said i was gelabah, but hebat that night. i couldnt agree more :)

Sunday, June 24, 2007

my current life

i have been very attached with the sims 2.and to make matters worse, my sims is somewhat rosak that i cant do anything during build mode.i created my characters based on me and ayam and now we have two kids. a boy and a girl.both are bright a+ kids, and i am proud to be the parents of prodigies.but soemhow i am so taksub with my game that i realized that my life, in reality is a mess.i cant cheat any simoleans here, and my social life is not in a full mode either.OH MY GOD!!

what have i done??im so immersed with the game that i dont really care about my REAL life.i should wake up right?for god's sake, im not real!i have blonde hair and i am a leggy beauty!!GOD i love this!*if any of you are concern about my mental health, rest assured that the real me is still a sane person and the contents might have been slightly diperbesarkan to create suspense and excitement*

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


after several visits to the petronas mesra, and a variety of hypermarkets.FINALLY!!IVE FOUND MY OGRE-SIZED M&MS!!!

1.they are twice the size if a normal m&ms candy
2.they taste twice as better
3.tak mahal sangat, lebih 10 sen je.m&ms biase 2.20, ni 2.30
4.they have cutesy ogre symbols on the candy
5.they come in shrek colour
6.they're just cool.alright?

Thursday, May 24, 2007


ill be counting the days till i find out who you are.

you'll be sure that you're a dead man.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

saya pelupa

Forgetfulness may be something serious to be looked upon, medical-wise. Or, it could be a humorous journey to some. Im not saying when you’re actually on the verge of going senile, all you have to do is laugh because it’s funny, im saying the harmless stage where your mind isn’t on what you’re doing at the moment, thus, resulting to the burnt hole on your favourite pink shirt because you were actually thinking about your grocery list when you were supposed to be ironing.

Admit it. Not everyone is born with the talent of multi-tasking. We, normal HOMO SAPIENS- quoted from Magneto (X-men), are sadly, with many flaws which Includes short-term memory “loss”.

The other I was at the mall when I ran out of credit, luckily I found a DIGI centre nearby and bought the 10 ringgit top-up card. After I keyed in the serial number, I received an sms saying that the number I punched in was invalid. I was halfway back to the shop, furious because I felt cheated, only to realize that I am using HOTLINK.

How bout this? A studiomate recently when to Coffee Bean to redeem his card (you know, the ones where they give out and you have to get it all stamped and you’ll get a free drink after that). Sadly, his thirst for an ice blended went awry because the waiter told him to go to Starbucks to redeem the card.

Really, tell me, are those incidents obvious signs of going senile? Or merely you transforming into a real-life Dory (that blue fish in Finding Nemo)? The quest begins….

to you

I don’t know what actually triggered it, but it happened. The moment which would not have been possible 2 years ago happened. We boasted that time will never grow us apart, it actually did.

We’ve been in each other’s life for a long time, that I have to admit I still think of you sometimes. Though we thought we couldn’t manage it without each other, it was actually the opposite now.

Though I am not ready yet to fully belt out what’s in my heart now, maybe someday I will. But for now, I hope of the best for you, and I know you can do it.

I know you that well. Haha

all it takes

I was flipping through my phone book when I came across ham’s number. Its been 2 years since I last saw him. I sent him a message and thinking maybe he’d changed his number when I didn’t receive any reply 15 minutes later.

What I did get was a call. And we talked for 40 minutes before we decided to meet up for drinks. We talked for hours on everything in our lives. And we made a promise to meet again when he came back. And I was happy to finally meet the friend I was just thinking about the other day.

I stumbled upon ika’s number and gave her a message. She was one of m close friends in high school, and the last time I saw her was when I bumped into her in uia when her class came for a visit. This later leads to me accompanying her around bangi – kajang – and putrajaya on her expedition to find a job. Our last stop which was alamanda saw both of us having meals bought from Carrefour (because both of us are pokai, and Carrefour foods are cheaper, and taste nice too J) and talking about everything from boyfriends to funny stories on our respective campuses.

All these while when I thought maybe time showed that lives have to move on, all it take is just 5 minutes to put back what means a lot to us back in our lives.


Sometimes I’d wonder about the many people whizzing in and out of my life. Whatever has become of them, and how are they right now? it seems that they’ve moved on just fine without me as I am without them. There are times when I’ve felt regrets for not enjoying those certain moments to the fullest, for not appreciating that certain people when I should have, and for not grabbing those moments when the opportunities arose.

I wondered what could have happened if I actually love Iqbal back as much as he loved me, if I actually see that he was perfect for me at that moment of time, instead of hovering over some other guy. Would it make us stay together until now? I wondered what happened to Syaz, if I actually stayed in their group of friends instead of finding Khairun, would it mean that I would still be in touch with them until now. i wondered what could have happened if I stayed in Idayu’s group in Bangi, instead of becoming closer to Anne and Ika, would it mean I’d be a ‘skema’ student and would actually give a shit on my studies? Whatever would happen if I weren’t friends with Intan? Whatever happened to Ham and Rez, the two guys who had been my rock while I was in Bangi.

But if all those things actually happened, it would’ve meant that I would be missing out in a lot of other events happening in my life, I don’t think I’d meet ayam if I had Iqbal, I wouldn’t have met other great friends and learnt the meaning of friendship if I hadn’t been friends with khairun, I wouldn’t have learnt the bitter taste of growing up and overall life if I hadn’t been friends with Ika, and as for Anne, she has always been the one person I could count on if I needed someone, and intan has always been a sort of ‘protector’, from the Izat case, till the veggies, she has always wished for the best of me, and now I hope I won’t let her down. As for ham and rez, I wish them the best in their life, though sometimes I do miss my moments with them, I think we’d be okay for now. But I will never forget them.

All things happened for a reason, this I know, but sometimes im trying very hard to decipher the meaning of these events, and this is what I can come up with. I don’t know about you, but to me this is good enough.

my parents

When I look at my parents, ive always hoped that I would be able to have what they have when im married.

They are now only husband and wife, but best friends. They never hide anything from each other. They constantly talk about everything that’s bogging their mind, and sort it out together, with me secretly eavesdropping of course.

They have never shown their anger and resentment towards each other until I actually thought that they have never had those marriage fights, but everyone does, but they hid it pretty good, fooled me till now. they have always shown their love for each other with those moments when I see them holding hands while watching television. I wont go into details about their intimacy, that’s just gross.

They always find each other’s lame jokes funny, even though it’s not to me (such as the ayam jokes, which are quite rampant nowadays, for example calling ayam, kfc because it is deemed offensive when I referred to ayam’s father as bapak ayam, so they opt for kfc). They are contented with having each other even though the world around them is falling apart. They are blissfully happy being with each other even though friends and families walked in and out of their lives. They love their children they have together and wished for the best of them. They are willing to sacrifice almost anything for their children’s happiness because their children are the testimonial of their love. They have supported one another through thick and thin and have always shown that he is her biggest supporter and likewise, even if others are doubtful, including me. They are respectful towards one another though they constantly poke fun on one another. Another bonus is that they never give a shit when one of them farts in an offensively loud manner (hint: my male parent).

They have never shown their love for each other fading. And that is the most important.

from a sister

I’ve only found out that my sisters have Attention Deficit Disorder a few days ago. After 14 years being their big sister, I’ve just recently found out that my sisters have ADD. Maybe to some people, they would say they have ADD as a joke, but my sisters are diagnosed with ADD. This was why my sisters are still illiterate at the age of 14. I have never really given much thought of my sisters’ condition, until now. When I am in university, and I began to understand why ibu has always emphasized that my sisters will be my responsibilities in the future, when they’re gone. This is why I have to take my mother’s word literally.

Hundreds of visits to the hospital when we were kids have always been an agony to me. It meant I have to wake up early in the morning on a weekend just to avoid the catastrophic traffic of Kuala Lumpur, just to visit my sisters’ therapist at the HUKL. Although sometimes I looked forward to going to the HUKL’s cafĂ© for their delicious donuts, I never understood the purpose of why my sisters had to visit the lady with the spectacles inside the room filled with toys and colorful balls, and why my sister Syanaz had to wear a specially – ordered shoes, but my dad said because she had difficulties in walking. Syanaz has always been the slower one, when Syafinaz, the youngest, was able to walk, she was still crawling.

I never understood why my sisters had speech difficulties and sometimes their pronunciation was different than other people, such as toilet was pronounced as toyet. And I never could grasp the reality that my sisters were slow learners until when I realized that they still had difficulties in reading at the age 12. I have to admit that all these while I was so embarrassed with my sisters’ condition that I never really cared what they had to go through, bullied by the kids from the neighborhood, never had the opportunity to go out and play with the other kids, because they didn’t want to play with them, and not being able to have a spoiled and wonderful childhood like I had, because of many other reasons. I was a cold – hearted and ignorant bitch.

Despite me being a horrible sister, it was them who were eager to talk to me on the phone when my dad called, just to ask if I had eaten. It was them who were eager to accompany my parents to send me off to college every time I came back. And it was them who were worried for me when I cried during one of my horrible break – ups. Although I had wished that God would reward them with a normal life one fine day, which I have to admit, one of the stupidest wish I have ever made, I have finally accepted my sister as they are. And I thank God for bringing them into my life. Imagine what would be like if I was the only child, I don’t think life would be as blissful as now.

Although they might not have the childhood like I had, but I know that they will be okay being surrounded by people who love them, and I think that is enough and as long as they have each other. My dearest sisters, although I know I don’t show it, and I have not always been the greatest sister, but I promise you with my life that I will always be there, taking care and loving you always.

a job

20th April 2007

I just got my first job today. After a series of rejection at the oh-so-‘cool’ Alamanda shopping mall, an unexpected turn to the bulatan perdana landed me on my first job, a part – time crew at the Dairy King ice cream parlor. Yah yah yah yah!!! Take that alamanda!!

Berikut merupakan deskripsi pekerjaan baru saya:
I’ll be working from 8.30 a.m until 3 p.m., so to all of you who wish to contact me, please do so after 3.
I’ll be working for 6.5 hours.
The wage is not much, though it is kept as a secret for fear of possible extortion by any anonymous blog reader (not that anyone reads my bog..haha)
My first pay will be spent on getting my fixed mp4 yang dah berbulan terceruk at the kedai.

I couldn’t help but grin throughout the entire journey back home. After a week of job hunting, finally someone wants me! Aww….at first I thought that i don’t think I can ever show my face at alamanda again. Ill bet the whole community of alamanda can recognize my face as the girl who couldn’t get a job. But now, who gives a shit coz I got a FRIGGIN’ JOB!!!

21st April

First day at work

Arrived at 8.10 a.m. and realized the front door is not open yet. Wandered around aimlessly at the playground in the front and wondered how the pak guards and makcik cleaners managed to get themselves in. then saw two kids who I think are also part – timers and they were snickering when they saw me with my futile efforts to get in, when the glass door won’t open, not because the sensor was rosak, but the damn sensor wasn’t switched on yet. 15 minutes later asked a pakcik how to get in, and followed him to the back door. Realized that now I can’t use the front door if I want to get my butt on time, but have to settle for the back door, where the others used.

Kak fauziah arrived 15 minutes late. But she taught me almost everything I need to know to handle the whole booth. She’s a good teacher, a patient and very soft – spoken person, and lets just say I am a fast learner..hahaha. and by 10, ive got the gist on how to manage the booth.

At 11, another girl, Siti, came, who was a year younger and a part timer also. She’s been working there for 4 months now, just finished her STPM. A soft – spoken kelantanese and a very nice person. And I noticed that she is very cekap with scooping ice cream, even with two scoops at a time. Scooping ice cream is one of my major kelemahan, kak fauziah told me to practice scooping ice cream at home.

Ive managed to learn how to operate the cash register, whip up a milkshake, make almost all the different toppings they have, and how to fold a packet of napkins in a short time. Hordes of Chinese tourists who didn’t understand a single word of English is a pain in the ass and it adds salt to the wound when they kept on asking if they can use their currency. What are we, an ice cream booth cum money changer?

The staffs could stop complaining about how hot it is, because the air cond is not really working, on us, but the area okay je. It made matters worse when the food court management took away our fan with a promise of a cooler temperature in a while, but takde rase ape2 pun.

By the end of my shift, I realized my legs have nearly come off and my body has never felt so much pain before. I thought my whole body would patah2 and id just die. The fact that I was crammed in the car due to the stupid congestion in damansara on the way to send wanie off is not helping me ease my agonies.

2nd day
22nd April

Arrived early, took the back door and realized Kak Zarina, the other kakak, is not there yet. Kak zarina, or what the others called mukna, is not the warmest person on earth. Don’t know why, and don’t want to know. I’ve decided to just stick doing my job when I realized she hasn’t spoken a word to me, aside from telling me what I should do. And realized she might not like me that much when I asked if I should change the banana strawberry tub because it was too soft and it was difficult to scoop it, and she said nonchalantly, “saya buat boleh”, and I just nodded red – faced.

An hour later, realized that maybe she is not too bad, she taught me a lot of things, including how to scoop a soft ice cream, and maybe she is just slow in the warming up process. When siti came, kak zarina instantly lights up and suddenly she was very talkative, to siti lah. Aiya, nevermind lah, malas mau amik peduli, I just do my work and get my pay, ok dah.

By the end of the day, managed to scoop two ice creams at a time, and learned how to do the slushee mix. And my hands hurt like hell due to ice berg – like ice creams.

And they were still complaining about the panas temperature.

23rd April
3rd day of work

Arrived on time and get on with my job, kak zarina arrived about 15 minutes later. She took no time in putting me to labour with waffle – mixing!! The agony of yesterday wasn’t really healed and now I had to whip up the stupid waffle mix.

And when it was over, she taught me how to make the waffle cones, shich I have to say, something I really hate now. a number of failed attempts to roll the damn waffle into a cone, and finally I got the rhythm. But I am still weak in putting the lump of the waffle mix on the taster because mine kept getting puffy when it was masak, instead of flat and crunchy.

By the end of the day, I realized that I can’t really hate the Chinese tourists because they are our biggest customers, even if they are rude, impatient and yells at you. They are sometimes nice, and I realized that I don’t want to work in this type of job for the rest of my life. I am very much grateful to be in university. And I hate it when ayam said “ now you know how hard it is to earn money”, because its true.

amidst the faces

Amidst the faces

Amidst the many beautiful faces, you saw me.

Amidst the many beautiful people surrounding you, you saw me.

Amidst the many demure and soft personalities that are the favorites of many, you chose my robustness.

Amidst the many normal choices you could’ve made, you made a different one.

Amidst the many faces racing past my head, I saw you too.

Amidst the blurry thoughts spoken about you, I saw right through you.

Amidst the many obstacles faced, I stayed with you.

Amidst the many new faces approaching, I loved you.

And I still do, and growing more each day.

to naim

The other I found my old diary in which I wrote my heart out when I have just finished spm. I discovered a lot of things related to my life which was new, forgotten and very foreign. One of the significant entries was of my relationship with naim before it turned sour.

Though I told a lot of people we broke up because of his refusal to understand my newfound way of life when I took up built environment, it was actually becase I wasn’t really putting my head into the relationship, but he was the opposite.

The diary entries rattled on about how great he was, and actually, it was true. I can’t believe it took me 4 years to finally find out about it. I blame my ignorant self and my difficulties in deciphering the intentions and feelings of other people around me, and not to forget my never ending daydreaming.

He was actually the best I had before ayam came. He showed his loyalty to me despite me being in gombak, and him in bangi. He was patiently waiting for me to come home, which was quite rare because of my irregular period at that moment. (I was in gombak to khatam quran). And he made sure we see each other everyday whenever I came back, meaning he would drive illegally to take me out for breakfast, and made the plans to go out (which is the complete opposite in my current, and other relationships, where I have to make the plans).

He’d call every night from the public phone not far from his house when I’m in gombak, and he even woke up at 3 am to catch me before I push off to penang with my aunt and her family. He even came to mid valley just to meet me for 2 hours because my aunt had to run a few errands there. How he swat off the snide remarks and stories of my past relationship with izat with pride. He even missed his grandfather’s tahlil to meet up with me before I leave for matrix uia. He never made any moves to get physical and made sure that I knew that he didn’t care about my past.

Despite the shitty ending, especially when he was being an ass when he mintak balik the stuff he gave me, I guess I deserved it. If I’m not mistaken, it started when I chose to go to subang instead of hanging out with him during our anniversary. And I think that did it. I persuaded khairun to drive all the way to his college so I could meet him (but I didn’t in the end because his rumah sewa was actually in bdr. Tasik selatan, I didn’t know because I didn’t care enough to ask, I guess) it was actually pointless because the moment I drove him to edge where he finally saw that it wasn’t worth to stay in the relationship, he had finally closed the book of trying to make it work in the one man show relationship.

I never knew I could be so heartless to a guy who gave it all to me. Though I was heartbroken for a few days, and the first time I cried when I broke up, I recovered quickly and moved on like there was no yesterday. My theory was, i thought I loved him, but it was only just an infatuation. Now, after four years, finally I know how it was. I wished I knew back then. Naim, I hope you’ll forgive me.


top 5 wierdest request ever recieved:
1. banana split without the banana
2.banana without the split..or ice cream...or whatever u call it
3.ais kacang a.k.a abc
5.100 plus yang kakak fauziah(a fulltimer) drank
Life of a Dairy King Ice Cream Parlor Worker:
1.proudest skill acquired: able to scoop two ice creams at once
2.weirdest order received : Banana Split without the banana
3.the reason why working at an ice cream parlor sux: u start having dreams of taking ice cream orders
4.most favored flavour to be scooped : mint chips because its just nice
5.most hated flavour to be scooped : the new chocolate flavored from berkley’s farm, because its as sticky as a starch and as hard as an ice, which results to hands becoming sore, and persistent sweating even if you are surrounded by freezers.
6.current favourite color : pink, because that’s the color of the uniform
7.current hated color: pink, because that’s the color of the uniform
8.most hated moment during working : the time when a group of senior aged Chinese tourist who do not understand a single word of English, and wanted to buy ice creams, but they were short of a few bux, but they claimed they gave 10 bux earlier, it lead to a war of words by using two different languages and the ladies speaking with an unusually high-pitched voices, and lasted for about 15 minutes, it drove away most of the other customers, and ended with me paying for one of the ice cream just to get rid of the ladies.
9.current favourite past time : folding napkins into two, with an average of two packets a day
10.future goal in life after quitting: if anyone ever asked me to scoop ice creams during any family functions I swear I’ll throw the scoop at that person’s face.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

kuantan and many other things

kuantan and many other things....

kuantan,as we all know is our site during the second semester of 2nd year(ill be in 3rd year soon :O) going back there to sue's house brings back memories of me walking alone at the town center,ticking the number of public facilities found(which is a LOT), and surpressing myself not to show the 'jari' whenever a motorist passed by with 'hey awak',or 'but ape sorang2', or 'boleh berkenalan'.

sue's place is very very very nice,sue, can i call impiana so that they can feature your house in their mag?me like 100%

and we had TREMENDOUS fun there,just like a perfect holiday get away, only cozier.thanks sue for being the perfect hostess :)

promosi pakej percutian, rumah banglo di tepi pantai,disertakan dengan pelbagai aktiviti-aktiviti menarik untuk mengisi masa lapang, seperti menunggang kuda, bermain ps,menonton movie lotr, berenang di kolam renang, dan melepak di berjaya harian juga amat menarik.nasi,ayam goreng dan sambal belacan! :)

and i noticed one thing, my two friends are very much in love, and after reading their blogs,it is proven true,haha.and i am happy for them. :)

as for me?i am very much in love with the same person who made me turn into a walking zombie for a month.and though it is not perfect, but i am very much contented with the fact that i found someone who loves me.finally.and i am not hesitant to love him wholeheartedly.which is a blessing because i know it wont go to waste.this might sound corny, but it is a fact.before this i didnt see what he's done for i do.and boy,am i glad i found him :)


sometimes i dont even know i i have problems in venting out my frustration and anger.sometimes when i wnated to, rationality takes place and it actually works.but most of the times it clogged up my head until i start having dreams and it starts affecting the way i act towards people

it frustrates me even more knowing i didnt give the rightful treatment they deserve, but it makes me realize how lucky i am to have them by my side.

so,being friends with well-to-do people does have it drawbacks sometimes.for someone like me.material possesions are not everything, that's what people kept on telling me.sometimes its nice to have a comforting statement such as that.but most of the time it clouds my head so much that i hate myself for having such a weak control on my life.

i am capable of many great things, and yet i am moping on the unfairness of family is not well-of as many presumed,but we managed.i dont have many things that my friends do,sometimes i am so ashamed by that fact that i wish i can just dissapear. but having thoughts like that is insulting to myself,and i know it would hurt my family if they knew about this. my dad,amidst the condition that we are in now,is surprisingly a hopeless optimist.soemtimes it angers me that he doesnt wake up to the reality that we are facing now and deal with this logically.but this only makes me uglier for i am such a pessimist that someone ought to kill me straight away.

our trip to kuantan makes me wish that one day ill have a life like sue.coming back home, i wished i was back in subang, when everything was alright.and i didnt have to feel to embarassed with myself.such cowardly words should not be uttered by anyone, but i did.all the time.ayam kept one telling me this is the phase where god is testing me, to see if im strong and capable of going through this.but it has been 5 much longer do i have to wait?he said one day everyhting will be okay.funny,that was what my dad said.

i dont think half of my friends know that this is who i am.i am so shallow that i think they'd refuse to be friends with me if they find out.but i find solace in talking things through with my boyfriend, but most of the time i feel like a faker for not coming clean with this.

i am sorry if you feel like you've been lied to. i didnt mean it.i am trying very hard to avert my thoughts from complaining about my unluckiness when i know there are many who are far worse than i am.soemtimes this is hard when you have friends with bux and cars,not that i hate them for being lucky in life.i like them for their personalities.not for their ipods and branded sorry if you feel that i am friends with you just because of that.that wasnt what i intended at all.i love my five girlfriends.theyve been with me through thick and thin,and i'd like to think they're friends with me because of me.ive never had many chances to buy them lunch,because most of the time i couldn't afford to.but i wished someday i could.sue paid for me at pizza hut when i lost my wallet and i had no money.countless of times i borrowed sarah's money, and nina always pays for me.kuhaz,ida, theyve never asked for the mobney i borrowed,till i paid them back for ayam, he was always there when i had no money left.i couldnt gather the courage to call my dad because i know he doesnt have enough back at home is important.but so is friendship.i am not ashamed of my life anymore.i may be poor,but i know i am still okay.i have what i need here.and that is enough for now. forever indebted to you.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

gratitude seabad lalu

ive had gone through a LOT of shitHOLES this sem.but this is the turning point in life where you will eventually know who to trust.and who you can call as friends.heidi.i really hope one day you akan sedar.and to my studiomates.thanx guys.for backing us up.

my studio stuf is slowing down..maybe due to the excessive drama ongoing. but i hope my grades are still okay.why did i even take up URP?god knows.

me and ayam are officially a year lebih now :) and i hope nobody gets any twisted relationship like i am now. :)

there are so many things id like to jot down but i see you guys later yah.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

the agd

this saturday will be the agd for planning students, with the theme, and must i say it is the most creative and coolest theme ever!, "IM FABULOUS".Oh wow..why didnt i think of that when i was organizing last year's dinner?!

the colour? black, blue and going in pink.fuck it.
after the futsal, ayam brought me to this tempat jual ikan, where there is this big, no, HUGE! kolam ikan with arapaima fishes. and the tell you..bloody big man!

i wonder what happens to the fish, whom, according to ayam is as big as me, but (personally, i thought size is only as big as my legs, considering how fat my legs are)

is the owner going to eat them up, or does he have to provide the mega big fishes with the same large pool that the person-who-sells-those-fishes has, or would he eat the fish?beli besar2 pun buat ape..nak bagi makan dah susah..baik makan terus.but then ade ke lauk arapaima masak lemak and shit?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

thank you

another person's father died..and he is my classmate.i remembered how he used to smile everytime i greeted him with a nick i specially made for him.but after his dad passed away, i didnt see him for a week.i missed his quiet smile.i heard how much he was close to his dad.and i wanted to cry.i saw him at the studio last week.he is still himself.he still greets me with his quiet,lopsided smile.and i was proud of him.proud of how strong he is.

and i look at myself.and i remembered how fragile i softhearted i actually i crumbled each day.and how i felt empty.just because of one small loss.

ive forgotten how many times ive cried and fall to pieces each many times sarah mumbled in frustration about how she hates the effect he has on mizi often sits at the staircase listening to my cries and nina,sue,kuhaz,ida listens to me patiently about me wanting to move on but never kuhaz gave me a nice big hug when i was scared of crying alone.

im sorry to my family for putting up with my silent my mother get worked up about me having an eating disorder (which i dont think i have).how my dad always call to ask me when i'll be home.

and finally how he always affects me.but he never fails to show how much he cares.

im lucky to be surrounded by such woderful people.thank you for being there always.

thank you

another person's father died..and he is my classmate.i remembered how he used to smile everytime i greeted him with a nick i specially made for him.but after his dad passed away, i didnt see him for a week.i missed his quiet smile.i heard how much he was close to his dad.and i wanted to cry.i saw him at the studio last week.he is still himself.he still greets me with his quiet,lopsided smile.and i was proud of him.proud of how strong he is.

and i look at myself.and i remembered how fragile i softhearted i actually i crumbled each day.and how i felt empty.just because of one small loss.

ive forgotten how many times ive cried and fall to pieces each many times sarah mumbled in frustration about how she hates the effect he has on mizi often sits at the staircase listening to my cries and nina,sue,kuhaz,ida listens to me patiently about me wanting to move on but never kuhaz gave me a nice big hug when i was scared of crying alone.

im sorry to my family for putting up with my silent my mother get worked up about me having an eating disorder (which i dont think i have).how my dad always call to ask me when i'll be home.

and finally how he always affects me.but he never fails to show how much he cares.

im lucky to be surrounded by such woderful people.thank you for being there always.