Wednesday, January 30, 2008

death and many other wishes

ive lost count on how many times i wish i were dead.the other day i almost got hit by a car, and the feeling was undescribable.wishing for death is not a normal thing, but yet, so many people have wished for it countless of times.

im not sure why i want to die, but maybe its because i think my existence in life is not required.or maybe because i think im a burden to the people around me.but nevertheless, opting for death is such a cowardly .....way out.

why do people want death?its so...menakutkan.being all alone in the grave,nothing but your amal to keep you company,given if you have any.i think ive been brainwashed by the media,about how there is no life after death,thus,death seems like a sweeter option in order to escape the cruelty of life.i solely blame U.S for this.

i think i need to re-evaluate my life.*i know ive said this hundreds of times* i need to go away for awile and come back as a new person that loves the way she is and the way God has provided for her.i need this.i think i need help.i think i need a friend.*im so lost here*

bad bad mood

i hate it when im in a foul mood.i think its best for me to go away.away from the others, and away from civilization.because i think i know why people vandalizes things,because they have this surpressed anger, and the closest satisfaction you can get, and to stop you from going amuk and kill people, is to kick the lockers that are next to your class, or to kick the tables and chairs in your class.

there are a lot of reasons why you're in a bad mood.but im not going to jot everything down right now because i dont think anybody is interested in listening.this sux.

anyway,if only there isnt that stupid quiz about safe probably be in my room dwelling in my unhappiness instead of having to do it here in this stupid kaed building,

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear God

i think i have a problem with being grateful for what i have.i blame my environment while i was in subang for turning me into a materialistic b**ch.i think god is angry with me.thats why He cut off the strap of my favourite polka dot dress.

i think i should learn the art of gratitudeness.i should be grateful for what i have, and not resentful over what i dont have.sometimes i pity my parents for raising such a "bongok" kid like me.but i assure you that i will take care of my parents when they get old.not to forget my sisters.

i think the reason why God doesnt want to give me a car is because He knows i am not meant for it.i can drive.everyone knows i can drive.but maybe if i have a car,my condition will definitely get worse than it is now.24 hours outing, lotsa travelling to johor, and maybe..lesser time spent at home *im so jahat sometimes*. but dear God,i really want to take my sisters out for a movie, and go shopping with my mum.i really want to drive my sisters to school and back.

and God, i'd really like to have a house.i really wish my family can have a house of our own.i hope my sisters will have a better life than they have now.i really hope my mum will have her dream garden and her dream kitchen.i hope i can help designing my sisters bedroom.

so dear God,please consider my wishes.i will try to be good if i have a "joli2" or clubbing, because ive already sworn not to go to any clubs anymore.remember?so please God.i know you're listening :)

blessings and in between

i used to be in this group of friends. though they were great friends, and they mean well most of the time, but i was never really happy.i was not really sure about what,but mostly it has a lot to do with my self-esteem.

we drifted apart, and found new friends, and recently i read a post from one of them, about how she enjoyed the weekend they spent together, this circle which i used to associate myself with, but now, not used to hurt knowing that i was subtly excluded, but then again, maybe it was due to me "membawa diri".

i was spiteful and angry for awhile, but now, not so.ive become more comfortable to be honest about myself and ive found friends, and though they are not what people call perfect, but i am happy most of the time.

to the subangians, take care and i wish you all the best.thank you for being my friends during the "remaja" days.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

me and my self-esteem

i think i flunked my research method quiz.i think ive just dug a hole to bury myself cant actuallybury yourself alive, you need people to masukkan the tanah into your grave from atas and crapping right now.maybe its because of all that stress just now.

id like to think i have friends.i do.but you cant really read what goes through the heads of your chums.see..i have a problem.and i think i need to re-evaluate how i see myself and how i perceive myself to people.i have a really low self-esteem when it comes to hanging out with my not really sure why.just that conciousness is really starting to bug me."im not pretty enough to hang out with these people", "im not rich enough to hang out with all these people", "im not 'uptown' enough to hang out with all these people". i think if the 5 girls are reading this while im around, i'll pretty much get that 'luku kepale' thing.

but yeah..i cant lie to dramatic.but what to do oso.anyways.ive got chop2.i have another quiz that awaits my death.

tentang seseorang

im supposed to be studying since i have a kick-ass quiz tomorrow morning,but i am blogging away..

rejection is never easy.all these while you're thinking everything is dandy, the next thing you know, you're reading a cleo article and suddenly you realized that what you thought was okay was actually the other way around.then only you could describe the uneasiness that you've felt all these while.then only things have started to explain themselves.

i dont think im fit for your world.i know you're trying to tell me all these while, but hey, sometimes ignorance is actually more soothing than the truth.thank you for spelling it out for dont need me never did.but why didnt you say so??this is really frustrating.i wished id know sooner so that i wont waste my time caring.caring is an awfully tedious job when it comes to you knw that?

i dont need to make the effort anymore,oh thank god.its so mentally and physically listen,i actually get it.times this is our changing letting you go really letting you are no more a part of me than i am a part of yours.

i used to love i dont know why i did.

Friday, January 18, 2008

everyone's leaving

im starting to get really frustrated with this bloody broadband.i cant believe the service is so stooopiddddddd......

ive been spending a lot of of my time with my girlfriends and my boyfriend.maybe because of the very reason that they are leaving..soon...i cant really imagine my campus life without sue and kuhaz.and without ayam.i feel sick in my stomach already.i hate this

they're like my emotion in the world am i going to go through life this stoopid campus without my rocks????

it used to be a really petty subject.but as the date looms closer than only suddenly you realize that nothing last forever.

oh god.sappy boyfriend is leaving soon...soon!like less than a month!!!!i hate this...and sue and kuhaz..two months!!!!i hate this!!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

random thoughts

i havent started on my community service yet.50 hours tercangak kat library tu!god..anyway, right now i am focusing on trying to find a place for practical training.i really hope i'll be able to get in AJC.please.please.please.

as you grow older,the less you see of your friends.i dont know why..but that is a hakikat.i guess spend most of your times with the ones closest to you at that moment of your life, though you still cherish the times you had with your childhood buddies and your schoolmates, the fact that everyone has already a definite course of life scares me.because i think that is what is happening to me.

i am hoping that by the time i get married, there will be people coming to my would be really awful if there's only 5 people present.

takot hantoo

I admit. I am a scaredy-cat. I am scared of ghosts..(it doesn’t sound so scary when you said ghosts as compared to hantu, hantu is scarier) anyway, put, my studiomate told me about the time she saw a hantu pochong when she came back late from the studio. She was alone at that time, which was 3 a.m. when she saw a white tall figure moving from the back of a tree, few yards from her. God Help her, she muttered, when her eyes snapped back at the same spot, the figure came closer, and the next thing she knows, she was running towards her room, and engulfed by high fever the next day.
You see, fear of these things are very much instilled in everyone. Maybe except for Radhi and Kuhaz. Because they apparently do not think that hantu is a scary being. And the reason why sometimes only we can see these things is because they can smell the fear, and.. umm…how to explain it in English? It sounded so funny when I translated it into English from bm. This is supposedly a ghost story, its not meant to be funny. Anyway…these hantus can appear right in front of your eyes only..its because, once they know that you takut kat diorang, they will try to find this lubang ketakutan, and later on, they appear only in your eyes, and not other people who are maybe not as scared as you.
I am such a coward that I was brushing my teeth alone in the toilet when I remembered put’s story, I dashed to my room and recover a sleep-dishelved looking sara as my companion before I carry on with the rest of my business. this happening? what the hell is wring with me??

hijab or no hijab?

I don’t know what is up with my head lately. My ‘confusion’ on the state of my headdress…to wear or not to wear. For starters, I am re-thinking about my status as a hijab-wearing girl becauussee…I don’t think I am worthy of a hijab, hijab signifies the commitment you have undertaken to become a good, law-abiding muslim, my behavior however speaks otherwise. And if I don’t wear hijab, my mum will be out to get me, my mother, the vicious disciplinarian. Another reason why I don’t think im ready for a hijab, I don’t want to wear it because I’m scared of my mum, I want to wear it because I am afraid of God.
Anyway, I have to admit, the feeling of not wearing hijab is almost liberating. Almost. And sad to say this, I must say, I am more noticeable among the opposite sex when I am not wearing the hijab. Though it is rather off-putting at times, I actually enjoy the extra attention I received. I know..wicked wicked me. Oh.. god…how am I ever going to be a good muslim if the idea of wearing the hijab is actually a burden to me? I hate feeling so ungrateful and ‘bongkak’. Life is only a temporary stop-over. Shit,I am so going to get it from Him.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

i am scared

february is getting closer and i am trying my best to grasp all the time i have left to be with you.after this,nothing will be the same again.

if only you know how hard it is for me right now.i will miss you.a lot.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

new here.

okay.i think im getting a bit old for all this countdown thing.and also the going out part.because it sucked.yesterday sucked.too many people.add that with sweat and other's b.o.ough!and the kids?i felt like smacking their heads.werent their parents aware that their kids were on a loose?drinking beer like it was the coolest thing on earth.such kampung posers. year brought a new meaning to my life *okay,this is just total crap actually*. but anyhow....a lot of memorable things happened.and i hope this year will be better than the last :)

p/s:im done with resolutions.bukannye ikut pun.