thinking with a clear mind,thats what they always say.im starting to doubt the root of this utmost philiosophy that everyone holds so dear.it is pretty obvious we're living in the age of irrationality and full of outrage emotions.

as i slammed the door i concocted a plan to get out of the house and live a life that 'everyone' seems to worship, which is life of total freedom and no barriers.what do i have to lose?i can be a totally independent person as i am already 20 years of age.

maybe ill get to see the hurt on my mother's face, knowing i couldnt stand living under the same roof as she is.maybe ill get their phone calls once a week to check if my life is okay, and wether i want to come home.maybe ill miss my sisters life, their bowling trips and their swimming classes.

old photos of me when i was i year old doesnt do me any justice.things are not so easy now, and situations in life is not sugar and spice, and everything nice.that picture is a TOTAL LIE.i am not a smiling,cute baby that has just learned to walk!i am a full grown up person that has the ability to hurt your feelings with me scathing remarks and i can walk out of your lives!

haha..behold the person that we all know as teenagers or, more importantly, the new me.

but somehow,after a night of tears and screams, i came to the realization that i can never do that to my parents.i dont want to see how much ive hurt them.i dont want them to know how much i hate them at times.my mother lookd so happy in 1987, my father was all smiles when he took me to the beach, me,trotting next to him.my grandfather panicked when my mother gave birth to me, resulting to his continous trips to the toilet, and him not being able to visit my mother.my aunt gave me a minnie mouse doll during my one year old birthday.

i must really be the most rotten-hearted person on earth.i cant walk out, and i dont want to.even if you hurt me countless of times, i know i made you cry when i gave you a letter saying i hated you.i didnt mean to.im sorry.i know youll never read this.but i want you too.maybe later.when im ready to show it to you.thank you for bringing me into this world.i love you.