takpelah..takde hal pun kan?

things don't always go the way you want to. but when it's constantly going the opposite direction of what you're expecting, i think it's fine when you get tired once in awhile.

i can be so broken if i want to, but i chose not to.

i needed you, but you weren't there. maybe you just don't understand. it would be really nice if im actually someone important to you, but i guess i was wrong.

have a nice weekend yah?take care

benci dan kepenatan

i had the most exhausting week of my life. i dont think i like having my own car anymore >.<

hello johor-pt 2

suddenly, the revelation of having to move to the southern part of the peninsular doesnt scare me as much as it did before.

im almost looking forward to it (almost..)

i fell in love with this

im right here..in this freezing small room, overlooking the roof of one utama, and a few guys playing tennis on the rooftop of one hotel

wouldnt it be nice if i get the job

i get to work here, at this nice place, using the nice(super-duper nice) toilet, and oh god.. this place is just so ****ing perfect! it is just like how i pictured working life is supposed to be like!

oh god. now im getting anxiety attacks...what if i dont get in??ill be so ****ing heartbroken and die of depression (i macam tak leh blah dgn drama diri sendiri)

viva la vida ---> OVER

yaaayyy!!!!

ive finished my viva, and only received minor corrections!

the compliments were quite a rewarding factor after having to deal with this monster/baby for only 8 weeks :D

hooray to me!!

mereka baik sebenarnya, walaupun suka buat lawak bodoh

while i was crying, he held me till i fall asleep

while i was crying, he patted my shoulder as a sign of assurance

while i was crying, he cracked stupid jokes that wouldve made me kill him, but i know he meant well

while i was crying, he told me to let it all out and listened as i cried on the phone

while i was crying, he smiled assuringly at me as he got out of the car

i gained precious friends during trying times like this.thank you guys.

hello johor -pt1

my dad left for johor yesterday. my sisters were really quiet after he left, which was almost weird because they were never as quiet as this.

i cried from evening until midnight. somehow i miss my ayah, even though he'll back this coming weekend, but deep inside, all of us know it wont be the same again. instead of having him around all the time, we only get to see him occasionally.

now whose going to sew my buttons if it fell off?whose going to buy the juiciest fruits and potong it for us? and whose going to nag me if i come back home late?

i am a daddy's little girl after all :')

a blessing

6.30 pm: received a call from ibu

ibu:we need a copy of ur ic and ur licence, can u send it to auntie ana's house?

me:what for?

ibu:we're getting a new car

me:*hyperventilating* did ayah get the job?

ibu:yes, and he needs it in johor

me:what car?

ibu:a cayenne

me*this is too fucking good to be true* ibu, please be serious..what kind of car lah?

ibu:*laughing* a kia spectra lah

me:that means ayah will be moving to johor soon. i.e. we are all moving to johor *maksudnya, memang menjadi kenyataan lah yang ura-ura nak pindah johor ni*

ibu:yes, and we need to talk to you about it, because you're going to have to drive adik to school until the end of this year.

me:*apa2 lah, asalkan kita dah okay. even if it means ill get lost in putrajaya hundreds of time* okay..fine (groaning)

alhamdulillah things are starting to turn itself around. i have no one else but to thank God for this. Thank you God. and good bye bangi. ill miss you :')

you should ride it when its empty, which is never

the guy in front of me winced and closed his eyes as his face came into direct contact with a another man's armpit. i decided to hug myself and keep my body as balanced as i could, because i dont think reaching out for the pole is a good idea because that would mean id be touching this lady who is behind me's breast. a nurse smiled at me as she too had nowhere to hold on to.

i was on the train, at the wrong hour. it was 7pm, and the working population of kl is congesting every available public transport there is in the klang valley.

i dont know what the hell are those ktm guys doing, even after the prime minister paid a surprise visit to the serdang station last year (when pak lah was still the pm), but the rakyat obviously rules out boycotting the transport, because hey, how else can you get to kl from bangi with only rm 4.60 right?

Terima kasih boyfriend :)

ini adalah salah satu daripada peristiwa dalam hidup yg akan saya ingat sampai bila-bila. dapat minum godiva milk chocolate decadence ice blended bersama dome's huge choc chip cookie yg rase macam plastik. but the ice blended was HEAVENLY. but be sure to be near to the washroom after you've finished the drink, as they use pure chocolate bars for this, if you know what i mean...

life is a sum of your choices

An old schoolmate of mine has finally made a mark in the music industry when she got into muzik-muzik recently. To me, when you’ve made into muzik-muzik, that’s something big in Malaysia. I remembered her participating in our school’s talentime contests, and trying to penetrate into the indie scene for quite some time, and now, when she has finally made it, i was actually happy for her. Before this, it would be envy and many other ill feelings (lets not go back to the old schooldays tales, shall we?), but now, since i’ll be turning 23 this year, i figured it would best that i have to grow up and actually pick up some grown-up set of thinking. In other words, be mature.

“life is a sum of your choices”-alburt camus. I had a postcard of this saying on my desks as long as i could remember, and now only did i understand its true meaning. I shouldn’t wait for life to be better, i should actually start making my life better. Waiting for a miracle is like 1 in a million chances it will actually occur, and honey, i don’t think life is that cushy. Life is a sum of my choices. I should stop blaming the elements occurring in my life for making it so miserable, because i was the one who let it happened. I chose it to be this way, one way or another.

What am i doing? What am i doing to actually make my life better? Im not doing anything! That was my saddest realization. So what if my family’s financial situation took a major dip? That doesn’t mean that i have to sit back and wait for life to turn things around, i have to turn things around for life to be better, not the other way around right? What happened to me trying to achieve my dreams and goals? What made me become so broody, unproductive, and envious and so many other destructive mindset, is because of the lack of maturity.

Like my schoolmate, she didn’t wait for things to turn its way around for her to become a singer, she made it happened herself. Life is indeed a sum of your choices. And now im taking the steps in making it happen, first by finishing my project paper with a big fat A. :)

queue jumpers

One of things that actually appeals to my curiosity is what is going on in the mind of queue jumpers. This has almost become synonymous with Malaysian culture is one the things im pretty much embarrassed about when they brazenly execute their queue jumping skills in front of foreign tourists who have been queuing like mad for past half hour.

This morning i was having my breakfast with my parents at a food court somewhere in Putrajaya, and decided to try the nasi lemak which my mum claims to be one of the tastiest in town. “quick, go and queue up before the crowd gets here”, which explains why the nasi lemak is so popular. As i got into the line, waiting for my turn, a young couple in their 30’s joined in the queue. Well, should i say, half of the couple, because as the husband decides to do the honourable, and equally ethical deed of queuing up, the wife coolly cuts in the front queue and asked for a plate of nasi lemak. “The queue is here-lah”, the husband called. “It’s okay”, she shrugged off, as she veers around with the plate of meal in her hand, selecting her choice of lauk. I was quite surprised no one in the queue had the urge to tell her off, and what was more surprising was that even the stall owner tended to her.

What has become of the basic social values of our society? Well, i know some might just say, ”pfft, why are you even making a big fuss out of a small spark”, but hey, doesn’t it irk you when you’ve been queuing for the komuter for almost 20 minutes, and when the ultra-slow vehicle arrives, there will be a group of people who have been sitting while you were standing up shamelessly walk to the front and claim their “right-of-way” into the train?

When i went to Japan, I found out that you have to queue for almost everything. That includes boarding the escalator in the mall. As compared to us Malaysians, as long as we can push and shove our way to the preferred destination, no problem. The erosion of the society’s ethical values are quite troubling, as more people think that they have the right-of-way to everything, disregarding what other’s feel, as well as other people’s right-of-way.

There is only one explanation for this disease, selfishness.

continution of my krispy kreme obsession

ni mase kat tokyo, mase mule2 jakun melihat krispy kreme, dan free samplenye yg sgt lazat (they gave 1 whole doughnut as a sample, malaysian business should take note of this, but then, if they do that here, people would just come for the sample and leave, knowing malaysians..hahaha)

ni lepas beli kat times square, walaupun bagi donut yg dah tak berape fresh, saya masih menyukainya..

malangnya, gambar kat depan krispy kreme kat south korea ada kat sarah, dan bukan dalam laptop saya. tapi tak mengapa, saya akan jadikan habit menangkap gambar depan krispy kreme di merata2 tempat di dunia sebagai hobi terbaru :)

my krispy kreme obsession

i blame kak aya for this growing endemic. her obsession on the doughnut chain rubbed off on me when we were in Tokyo, and later it got carried away during my class trip to south korea last november. and now its HERE!!!

but i cant imagine myself camping out at the store for 65 hours before its grand opening to get myself a one year supply of doughnuts, that requires pure willpower and no shower.

so, enjoy your 1 dozen of glazed doughnuts, and dont forget to think of a way to shed those extra-extra carbs ;)

p/s:waiting for ben and jerry's to make their way to malaysia's shores :)

networking yo

i met a chinese guy today. his name was charles.

i came to old town completely ladened with my laptop bag and my huge handbag as i asked if i could use the power socket next to his table, and he was kind enough to move his table so i could plug in my laptop.

i cant remember how we started talking, but he was completely surprised tht i speak english fluently, which sadly is quite the image that we, malay youths are propagating. we talked about whatever there was to talk about, from how Putrajaya failed to be a modern city to what politics in Malaysia should be like.

when he was about to leave, he paid for my enrich chocolate drink, and we promised to keep in touch through email.

all in all it was a very refreshing experience. striking up a conversation with a total stranger. i should do that more often. :) *that is if i have the guts

to syanaz and syafinaz

i love my sisters. theres no doubt about it. i have a picture of them when they were toddlers on my notice board in my uia room. it is to remind me that everything i do here is for them, as well as my parents. we might not be close like other sisters are, but we know that we love each other is already enough.

i know the responsibility as the eldest is a heavy one, and its heavier when it comes to my part. but i will now walk away from it now, as i did before this. im ashamed for being such a coward, a pussy and an irresponsible a**hole. i will now embrace my responsibility with an open heart, and i hope God will give me the strength to do this on my own.

my time is almost up, and we'll see the results pretty soon. in which i will not fail you. i love you both.

declining humanity

human are scary beings. they bitch about their friends, whom the night before was proclaimed as their brother/sister, they fight over different ideologies and opinions, and they kill one another for some stupid, idiotic reasons.

what is humanity?was it to have compassion and love for one another? or was it to put on a mask of a smiley face before you greet your "friends"whom you've always begrudged and bitched about because you didnt have the "heart" to tell them of your feelings as it may sound too harsh, when in actual fact, you just didnt have the balls to do it.

will people change?what happens when your "busuk hati" runs out of juice, and you're left alone cramped in your cubicle on your birthday?will it be the right time to say, "serves you right a**hole"?

its not too late to apologise isnt it?

somewhere along the line, i missed the step. it might not be so important when i missed it. but it is now. its shitty that i cant retract or rewind whatever that has been done. we, as humans are mistak-magnets. all i can say now is im sorry.

im sorry for everything. i know you will never read this, but at least ive gotten this off my chest. maybe in due time, ill muster the courage to say it to you in person. *im such a coward*

not now

i dont know when my next meal will come, but i am still happy.

somehow when a friend told me she wished she didnt have to think of having to save when going out, i was somewhat a bit downtrodden. am i a burden to be around with?i wished so its the opposite.

all these while i keep a straight face when peers make comments on my downright thrifty spending, it was quite a cut. but i know they didnt mean to hurt me. they just do not understand.

its okay. i understand. im not like everyone else. even our own family have turned their back on us, but we're still happy. we still have each other.

i wished for many things. i wished i could further my studies after i graduate. but i cant. i wished i could pursue whatever field that i am interested in, but i cant. not now anyway.

being in a position where you feel like flinging yourself off the cliff for being so helpless everyday is not healthy, but i keep it caged nicely, which is why i could still muster a smile.

im not complaining. this is just a way of me telling you how i feel, since i do have a difficulty of expressing my feelings. i wished that my future is written nicely in the book. but i doubt it. all i could see is big, black, heavy clouds that awaits me. all i have now is you, and God. my father has long since given up, and i wished i wont. not now.

all i have now is a clear cut on who has stood beside me while i go through this and who has abandoned me. i may not be able to afford your weekly outings with branded togs, but i could offer you my friendship and loyalty. if that is not enough, i dont see the reason why we should still be friends. when people say" a friend in need is a friend indeed", i guess its not applicable to you.

crossroad part 2

one down, two more to go..

cehhh..cakap macam nak pegi perang padahal amik exam je..

i found myself encountering the familiar crossroad again. it shouldnt have been such a big issue before, i already know what's best for me. but this time, im drawn again into temptations and what I want, instead of what i SHOULD do.

this is really bugging me. this sucks.