what happened between us was confusing enough before we can even have a beginning. the turmoil of emotinons im going through now is quite overwhelming, that i dont even know what im thinking, feeling right now.

you stood by the sidelines,waiting, even after everyhting that has happened.regardless of my shouts, screams, cries.i treated you like dirt sometimes...did u realize that??GOD!wake up!

but i dont want you to leave.i dont want you wrap everyhting up, and said.."okay, if its going to continue being like this..i guess this is my cue to leave". i want you to stay.knowing i have someone waiting at the sidelines.why cant it be like that?why cant you just stay that way?complacent being the person who will always have my back..but not much to expect from me?

god..i sound so evil.no...its not fair for you.its not fair for you to watch from the sidelines while i try my best to fraternize with another person who clearly has no emotional attachment on me..im stupid.when it comes to this..im stupid..im sorry.

will you just stop giving me goosebumps?will you just stop giving me all this emotions that keep on rushing in and out of my system like waterfall..you are not THE ONE..but..i..yeah..well..lets just leave it at that eh?

a new beginning

hahahaha...(laughing robustly)

i got myself a new phone two days back..dragged sarah,faize and syah to come along to pertama complex to help me `bargain` for the right one..

you shouldve seen the place!JAYZUS!!!booths loaded with phone everywhere...and its freaking CHEAP!but anyway...after got basuh with my dad about y carelessness...he gave me 300 and told me to main jauh-jauh..

jauh jugak aku pegi ni...browsing until the group got tired and decided to have a drink at the gerai outside..while i was too busy dealing with my phone dilemmas to even finish up my milo...(which was later given to syah)

in the end....TADA~a new (second-hand) flip phone...and my new number??hehehe...i`ll tell you people later...

yay!!!got myself a new phone!!!!woohoo!!!

i LOST my PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

*syaza is too distraught to blog..will be back with updates LATER*

series

morning till 8p.m

-finished autocad at 6.areque sent me a msg saying that madam has already collected the layouts an hour ago.and i havent even PRINT it yet..
-ei leen wants to meet up for islamic urbanism assignment
-keron called to say she wants to drop by*YIPPIE YA YAY!*
-and she wants to meet afnan....*SHIT*
-realized i havent mandi the whole day*though i dont stink at all*
-had to print at advanco which costs a BOMB,because we finished our layout lambat...so..no other shops are open

8.30 pm

-radhi is stressed because her layout is still having problems.yelled several curse words that makes me and nina afraid to approach her..or come close within her vicinity
-had to tinggalkan radhi.sori radhi.
-realized we`re supposed to meet ei leen now..*oh shit oh shit oh shit*
-afnan sent a msg saying he`s at home*bodo*

9 pm
-"oh, lets get it over and done with..", then realized half of my studiomates were crammed in the small plotting room of advanco..
-msged ei leen telling her we`re going to be late..only to recieve a not-so-nice msg..*damn*
-made a date with sue and kuku to have dinner at kubur

10pm
-keron called to tell me she`s there
-im still in the waiting line
-the printing computer is hanged*is that correct?*
-kak pah`s layout problem
-ei leen is pissed and went back to mahallah
-keron is pissed because she`s waited for half and hour

11pm
-had a small fight with keron, but she picked me up anyway
-had dinner, the only solid meal i had for the whole day

12pm
-went back, got fined instead.because i got in at 12.30.fuck you uia guards.biased bastards
-i think ive scared afnan off with my horrible mood
-keron got lost on her way out of my campus..and i think she`s pissed at me..

so,thats the overall series of unfortunate events that happened yesterday nite.now..im going to die as a zombie which ive transformed into because of the uncivilized load of work my course hads plunged me into.

ole~

ole~

haha!!!qsb mid-term is OWH-VERH!!!now....back to autocad

BLEKH!!!!~

YUCK..YUCK..

im hoping that when i get this over and done with i can have a blissful life where i wouldnt have to see the word autocad/or autodesk/ or anything that has anything that has the word auto..and then someone add that with cad,or cat(that somehow has the same pronounciation) or desk.

my WORK is my LOVERH~ *im sooo pathetic..this is sad*

oh god...the humiliation

i sent a message to you.i told you how i felt.i was shaking when i wanted to press the "send" button. nina finally did it for me. i couldnt sleep well.i hate you

the next morning you told me your heart skipped a beat when i told you.and then you told me you like me too. but in a way that made me doubt your answer if it is genuine or the other way around.

i want to wallow myself into any gaung i`ll find by the highway..and stay there untill its the year 2020.

i dont want to see you anymore. i dont want to msg you.i dont want to have anything to do with you anymore..

im so emotional...

as i watched you speak, you showed a glint of hurt from the past.i observed your beautiful feature, and your beautiful self, i wondered how can a person misjudged this person who was sitting in front of me as someone cold, when all about him is wonderful?

i stopped the growing itch to yell out my feelings.what i have bottled up inside since the first day i saw you.the first time i was fascinated by how easy it was to be around you.how comfortable i felt when i watched you drive me home.how right everything seemed to be when it comes to you.

but you dont see that dont you?you dont seem to realize that everytime i see you my heart beats a hundred times faster than usual.you dont see me, as the person who is waiting here, in front of you, waiting for you.waiting for you to finally open your eyes and see that i am right here along. waiting for you.

of course not.why would you see that?i am just another friend you acquired.a friend..yup..we`re just friends...perfect..well..i stopped myself from telling you how i feel, because i wouldnt want to lose you, period.i wish you well afnan.i envy the girl who broke your heart.you love her enough to make her actions scar your feelings.i envy her, for having you.for still having your feelings for her.another loser anthem is bursting out of me.

"ive been watching your world from afar
ive been trying to be where you are
and ive been secretly falling apart
to me, you`re strange and you`re beautiful
you`d be so perfect with me but you just cant see
you turn every head but you dont see me"- aqualung, i`ll put a spell on you

p/s: guys, correct me if im wrong yah?the lyrics i mean...and its not an uncool song..its just that its a song from a loser`s perspective lah...like me.. :'(

hmm..you again

hmm...you again...

i wonder why i even picked up the phone...oh wait...yes...because you see...i DELETED your number so i could refrain myself from calling, or messaging you....but hey!haha..you found me..AGAIN.

i cant go on another period of my life hating myself. ive already hated myself enough...i dont another extra baggage to make me feel like a SLUT.

i cant make myself to tell you to go away because i was relieved you called.i know what a BLOODY BUGGERING PATHETIC loser i am, but that was what i felt.i was relieved you actually cared enough to call me. asking me for a another chance...haha..things are already complicated as it is..dont make it anymore worse than this.i thought about you often nowadays..i dont even know why.

you made me cry...bloody hell...i didnt even cry when my dad slapped me..FUCK YOU.stop the bullshit apologies.you`re just feeling guilty because a gullible loser is crying over you.you do have a magical touch with words eh?im not buying it anymore.thanks..but no thanks..go try it on someone else..and wreak havoc in their lives.

i dnt know if i can stand this long enough..DONT YOU GET IT???im taking the exit here...BYE?see you later?umm...i dont think so...

work it baby

workloads are like a blackhole..sort of..it sucks out all the joy in the world.oh.my.god.

thank god the grad dinner is OVER...i could at least rest in peace for a while..for a while....hehe...anyway...now...ive got my head cramped with workloads that is making me wish i have a time machine so that i can travel to the future during my semester break and have endless time of sleep..

my laptop is being a bitch again,forcing me to come all the way to kaed to do my autocad.shit.anyway...enough of my rantings..the conclusion is...uni life is not as cool as i thought it is.. ~BLEKH!!!~ :P

kemaman

yeah yeah!!

kemaman was a blast...we were all quite relieved to be able to have a time out from bursting our heads over the s***hole layout drawings and bla bla..

goodbye uia..kemaman HEL-LO.it was kinda nice to see everybody in a relaxed mood for a change..no frowns..no frsutrated cries..nada..haha..everybody was just happy playing by the beach and having a blast shopping at cukai...can you believe that there`s a place named cukai?(tax, in english)..apparently the name derived from something..something tax lah..haha..tak tau la..anyway!take a look at the piX!

why i did it

when i said i wanted you out of my life.i hated myself for being so harsh.i didnt mean to push you out just like that after what we 'had'.shit..im so sorry.

the reason?im just tired of keeping it a secret..like a criminal or something.you cant even make me feel better of those countless times i felt like a bitch, a slut.you tried.but you never tried harder.i hate you.and i hated myself.

why i did it?you really want to know?because..you see..there are two choices here..wether i continue hating you and myself..or just stop hating me..by stopping altogether.i decided to choose me.i dont want to beat myself up anymore over something i could`ve stopped a long time ago.i didnt even cry..yeah.i should feel proud of myself..

i do it for us.i do it for everybody.i do it for me.you`ll hate me if i dont do it sooner or later.everybody will hate me if i dont do it sooner or later,or should i say when the skeleton is out of the closet?and i?i will hate myself more than i ever did if i dont do it sooner or later.

sorry is probably not the right word to use here.i don`t owe you an apology.i know i dont.you?well..somethings maybe..but..not really..f*** it.

the irony

irony...is it equivalent to being funny?in a wierd way?

how bout this?i`ll tell this story..gossip..whatever...then you tell me if if it`s funny...i know it`s ironic..but..is it funny?in a weird way?

last sunday i went grocery shopping with my parents.life in varsity is a torture unless you have extravagant supply of food in the room (!).so anyway, there i was in the shoe store, browsing through cool looking sneakers with my mum, when suddenly this small lady came up to us and practically made us jump..in shock..

well..well..guess who it was?none other than izat`s mum!YAY!wow..what a surprise eh?to meet your ex`s mum at the hypermarket?as she is my mum`s old friend, she was chatting amiably with my mother, while i managed an embarassed smile to izat`s dad, who looks just the same as he was before.converse sneakers and a cool swatch.sorry bout the hair though.

and then she turned to me and said,"have you kept in touch with izat?". if a recent messages exchanges that happened a week a go counted as keeping in touch...i nodded and said yeah.AS IF!anyway, she was going on and on about me should be keeping in touch with izat and yada yada yad...i should kacau him over the weekends..or me going home with him since he has a CAR now..bla bla bla..and i was thinking,like i would want this deplorable, horrible creature in my life ever again..

the next thing i know..i smiled to aunt fadzilla and said,"insya allah..".

p/s:im not that stupid..dont worry.owh..btw, the other day my mum went to Iqbal`s brother`s wedding..haha!that`s the IRONY!!you see..my mum`s encounter with the important people in my exes` lives..GOD!owh, and Iqbal was afraid to talk to my mum..chicken

please

yesterday nite rose called me up for a drink.the two of us head to the usual mapley and got into this conversation on why there was only the two of us there.its weird how during schooltime you're surrounded by this big group of friends.

now..you`re in uni, and its weird with the little number of friends you`re left with.there was even this period of time where my hang-out group in bangi consists of people from other schools and none from my school.

i dont know why the lack of communication..or the lack of effort.the only time i see my classmates is when ika has her annual open house, she`ll never fail to invite me.the rest?i only see them..when i see them..the other day intan called me up inviting me to hang with them (a group of classmates) at alamanda.but i was already on the way to kelana jaya.maybe its my fault too.maybe im the one not making any effort.i dont know why.

maybe its the ego..me trying to better myself and potray this image of a cooler version of syaza..all cleaned up with new specs and "cool" style.last raye, at ika`s open house, they gushed over how much ive changed, how different i look.."wow, you`re very pretty now!i like your new specs!i loove your tudung!".."oh my god..izat and naim wouldve kicked themselves now if they see how much youve changed"..right..maybe that was what i wanted to hear.im not the same syaza anymore.

maybe my memories in school(bangi) wasnt all sugar and spice.i mean...most of it wasnt.maybe that was why i was so reluctant to keep in touch with them..yep.im full of maybes because i dont even know if what im writing down is true..all of it is hypothetical.but, tally ho and all, im glad i still have a small group of friends i can hold on too.anne is coming back in june, nini and rose?god i see them almost every weekend night.intan?havent had the chance to meet up after the tahlil..but i will see what i can do..kame?she`s beyond reach already..i havent seen her since last june.

as a conclusion?maybe im choosy of the my choice of friends.maybe im the one who determines which friends i want to keep in touch with.yep..maybe.but i know im never wrong with my choices..so..there goes..

woooooo

okay..there was a reason why i was skipping down the corridor.was it because of mr af***?maybe..hahaha...ye lah..ye lah..god.im so transparent.im just happy.because he asked me to have lunch with him...was it because none of his friends were around??hmm...aiyah..i should stop being so pessimistic.

im going back today..baru dua hari je kelas,dah nak balik.haha..but who cares.im going back anyway.and when im home.i have work and assignments to finish..ahh..life is blissful.

yesterday i hung out and nina's room till 3.30.the three of us (me,nina and radhi)were just sitting around, gossiping,talking nonsense..and singing songs with words that rhymes with mr af***'s name.pelik tapi benar.

made me realized how lucky i am to have friends.how lucky i am to have the chance to hang out, laugh and joke around with people who i know enjoy my company as well.thank you god.

the classes started yesterday,sucked.but felt great too.because at least my brain was functioning towards the right path.and it was cool because i had my shot of mocha freeze.(did you know im addicted to coffee now?every tuesday and thursday?)

im speaking yiddish (thats just the term everyone is using, i dont know how to speak yiddish..but i`d love to learn how)..i should stop rambling now..and talk about much ,ore intelligent things..ooh!!i know..now im adding danish products to my boycott list..y?because of the insulting image they made of our Prophet..you`ll go to hell you...you..danish cookie maker!God will make you!!!just you wait!!

maybe they all think its a joke.i think what sj said is right..malaysians are being complacent about it. wake up my fellow brothers and sisters!!!they`re insulting us!!anyway..i dont know how to influence the ones around me to stop eating mcd as well..maybe mcd is too drastic..i should try burger king...

my holidays

true to my 'predictions', my last days of the holidays are the ones worth remembering. the first four days?burn it baby.i spent the days in bed with a temperature that could fry an egg and coughs that annoy your eardrums.

yesterday aida sent me home.my short period in subang, was great.as usual.recuperate what was lost between old friends.and best friend.keron asked if there were some other people watching us from afar, would they be jealous of our friendship?i said they would.its not easy to have a relationship where you can pick up things where you`ve left off and be fine with it.thats how i am with keron.doesnt matter if we didnt see each other for a month, i know that when i get there, i`ll still be able to gush out the juiciest details of my life with her.

and you mr. af***.i dont know what the hell you`re playing with here.sekejap msg.kjp tak.tak paham lah.you like me or not?(okay,maybe that was a bit too direct lah), but hey..im at wit's end because of you..nevermind.i`ll pretend nothing ever happens between us.aiya..i pening kepale la...whatever...

mat dan...thanks for being my friend.i dont have many guy friends that im close too.not anymore.thanks for being you.ahaha.i know i can count on you.

okes i`ll stop now.because i dont know what else to write..owh..btw.today is mama's bday...happpy bbbdddaaaayyyyy mama!!!!

just my luck

last wednesday i went to the botanical garden in putrajaya, trying to get a head start for my assignment with my group.it was great.we rented bikes,halfway through we`ve already completed the requirements..(5 species of palms and all those bullshit).

riding back,it was sloping downhill.everybody was screaming in joy, exuberent because of the speed and wind.jeez..we felt free.the next thing i know, my bike skidded.i tumbled head on.and my face was dragged across the pavement.

lets see...the result?my hijab was torn, my spex..beyond repair(it was spanking NEW!!), my right side of the face was badly 'calar', my nose swollen, my right side of the body covered in bruises..and the worst thing is..i chipped off my TOOTH!!!AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

oh god...

oh god...tell me this whole week is actually a really bad nightmare that i dont want to be in again..jeez!!!

i think im not going to be a good wife.id probably be a workaholic..so, in order to complement my life, i`ll need to find a workaholic husband as well..and my kids??well..um...lets not think about that now shall we?

im working my ass off here..and i think this is what people say, you work till you`re at the brink of madness.im probably going to drop out and die.that way..i dont have to work anymore!!haha

anyway,thanks a****.for coming to my studioo..thanks for the teh ais.if you read this..let me know..so i can kill myself due to extreme embarassment.haha.

okay..now is not the time for me to mess up my head with all this guy stuf!stoopid....syaza..get a life!!!!!!!!!!!i have work *yippe ya yay*,and i have more work this coming week...another yippe ya yay.so...boys?im sorry.you`re all losers.

wow

okay...

im smitten..totally...over a guy who has somehow ticked off all things in my dream-guy checklist.

who?how?when?why?where?

1)his name is A****.(i aint telling you).
2)when i realized how cute he was when talks while driving.and talking non-stop.have you ever met a guy who happens to be a chatterbox?you`ll love him.
3)during intan`s dad`s tahlil.(i know..not the perfect time to scrooge for guys..bt,i happens tibe2!!)
4)im sick of sticky,messy,scandalous situations.and he just appeared at the perfect time.and im jz glad he`s without any controversies.
5)at intan`s dad`s tahlil.

you`ll never read this.bt i adore you.everything about you.though i dnt know everythng.bt im pretty sure i will after i found out about it.

i will try not to keep my hopes up too high.you looked perfect that night i drove over to your house.i love your smile.and i like your `jokes`.your..engine jokes.haha.

god..i have to stop.before i make a fool out of myself. :P

ANOTHER BAD NEWS

speaking of bad news...i am about to drop another of those `bad-news` bombs.

stad is being a total asshole.to atomic jaya,that is.WHY?WHY?WHY?why cant you just give us the damn approval and get it over with?what is wrong with you people?

what is your sole purpose of refraining us getting a sponsorship using the approval letter that YOU granted to us?what sort of idiotic **************(censored) bunch of people are you??????

bottomline..you aint getting me down.we`ll make it through!u wait and see you STAD PEOPLE!!i`ll be the most amazing dr.mira anyone has ever seen!!kak sue, shap, we`ll do this in your honour.