to my tok wan

my grandfather was a gentle man, who dotes on his grand children. "eh, tgk, die je yg asyik dukung you", faliq remarked as we were going through my old pictures at mama's house.

i remembered his orchids (he loved growing orchids), how he saved me from being eaten by a vampire (a stupid game my cousins and i were playing which consists of us running around the house screaming from being eaten by the vampire *who was arin*), and he bought me a Ken doll, and told me not to strip him naked, although i did.

i couldnt really remember him as clearly as i wanted to, because he passed away when i was 5. i still remembered his funeral, he wasnt a famous man of the nation, no vip went to his funeral, but i was bawling my eyes out because my tok wan wouldnt wake up. i didnt even get to see him during his final days in the hospital because my mother said the hospital wouldnt let a noisy kid like me in.

i still miss him. he always had a smile on his face, in which he never fails to chuckle whenever his grandchildren were embrawled in mindless, kiddy games and later we would fall back unto his lap exhausted.

here's to my tok wan, who is deeply missed by all.

blurry

if only i could scream at a cliff somewhere, id have a sore throat by now.

im just ranting out some jumbled words mixed in my head that sometimes i dont even know what i said. sometimes i just write whatever that is on my head because my vision would be blurred by tears. like right now.

its sad that even when you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone.

what is even sadder is you have to mimicked a happy face when all you want to do is cry your heart out as loud as you can witholding nothing.

the saddest would be swallowing your shit and face it alone. like it or not, its right in front of you.

i do have to suck it up dont i?

face the music

all these while i had an extra limb, and now i am forced to do it on my own. but this is something i have to go through sooner or later.

"sooner or later, you'll have to face the music alone", faliq told me.

he held my hand as he said,"i wont be able to help you with your project paper, that is your responsibility, but i will make a hot drink for you while you do it, take you to the library, accompany you when you're doing your survey, and be there for you the best way i can".

i think that's enough already. thanks faliq :)

crap is spelled with a 'p'

i malas nak layan boleh tak? boleh tak for once i tak payah nak senyum2 and cakap everything is fine even though ur treating me like crap?

kenape la aku ni bodo sgt pun tak tau.

the cynic

sometimes all it takes is just a small display of love. its not that difficult. but somehow people tend to disregard that one small fact that could actually make the other smile throughout the day.

what's stoping you?why must you put the egoistical barrier in front? it hurts knowing that after all these years, it still doesnt matter how much im trying here, you will never see it.im completely exhausted.

hats off to you~

a completely exhausting trip

we arrived in terengganu around 3 am only to find out that the inn we earlier booked for was a complete nightmare, not only it resembles a horror-story-where-people-slash-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night-like, there was also no receptionist at the counter, nor was anyone picking up the phone,even the handphone, when we called.

So after 2 hours of driving aimlessly along the narrow kampung road, we finally found an inn that looked really nice and new :) which apot called the virgin inn (because the name is dara inn). as emilia and i groaned with pleasure when we sunk into the new beds, i was completely nervous for the next day because a) i dont know anyone there except for maybe 3 people whom are faliq, iqram and amelia; and b) this is a freaking royal wedding!!!

the wedding, although it was really hot, because it starts at 2pm, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. we arrived a bit later than the stated time, so we missed the "perarakan", but we managed to take pictures of the "santapan". in the evening, the newly wedded couple threw a bbq party at the same resort for their friends whom they weren't able to mingle with during the wedding, and the bride was so gorgeous! i just couldnt stop looking at her, knowing how gay i am, but yeah.

to sum it up, the trip was GREAT! and i was so glad i had an excuse to get away from the bustling KL, and managed to get myself a bit of sand here and there :)

private gifts

i came to a sudden realization that ive received panties as a form of a souvenier more than once.

my first gift was when i was still in high school, and my cousin, kak aya who was studying in uk back then gave me a small boxful of gifts, amongst the beautiful bangles were two g-strings with a "miss naughty" picture and another one a bubblegum character blowing bubbles. i dont even know why she gave me such alluring gifts when i didnt even fully understand the concept of being sexy, but then, having cartoon characters on the underwear was hardly sexy :)

second gift was a year ago when sue went to new york, and each of us girls recieved a victoria secret's panties. the name victoria secret alone was sexy, but then again the undergarment was hardly sexy, it was more of a naughty-kinky-ish type because of its vibrant colors..

and lastly. the same year sue went, ika went to indonesia and discovered a haven of shopping. and guess what she bought me?yes!lingerie!!calvin klein's bright red knickers!

maybe it is the current trend now, giving knickers as prezzies, but then again, these knickers have remained untouched for as far as i can remember because, i dont know?! i just dont feel like putting on some memorabillia my friend got me when she went over seas!

tagged by sue

How old are you?
22 soon 23.

2. Are you single?
nope

3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
ummm...im not to sure about that..maybe when im 26?or 27?but hopefully before 30 la..

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
hahaha..hope so! :)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
keanu reeves

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
tak payah kot..because i taknak ade bersanding. but i think id like my sisters to be the bridesmaids

7. Do you want a garden/ beach or traditional wedding?
hahhaa..ive already had this idea for my dream wedding and im not telling!!*takut diciplak atau di gelakkan

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
backpacking across europe!but if my husband really knows me, im not really going to backpack because id pack almost the whole entire closet.. but yeah...but id like to travel to europe :)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite.
id really like a small wedding..macam exclusive gitu..hahaha..but it was shot down by my mum who insisted that we invite the entire extended family whom i dont even see for a year or i even know. so yeah..if its according to my mum..im not to sure about the number.. *groans

10. Will that include your exes?
if he wants to come datanglah..

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
hmm..i dont want cake! i want a HUGE chocolate fountain!!

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
petang :)

13. Name the song/tune you’d like to play at your wedding.
banyak...but one of it includes "menunggu nasi minyak", by hail amir and uji rashid..hehehe..i like that song!so what?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork & knife?
ntahlah..im not even sure what food they're going to serve.hahahaha

15. Champagne or red wine?
milo ais!hahaha..taklah..giler ape milo ais..id want lemonade..is that possible??okaylah..limau ais (kite kan malaysian)

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
right after the wedding

17. Money or household items?
both oso can..no problem...dapat pun dah bersyukur..*ecehhh

18. How many kids would you like to have?
lots!!!id like to have 6..3 boys and 3 girls :)

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yes!mestilah..sambil tengok balik dan gelak kat our own idiocy during the wedding and reminisce about my once nice body figure decades ago.. :)

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
the rest of the girls! and anyone who reads this blog and are willing to take the time to do
this, they're more than welcome..

**** off

i am enthralled by all this commotion...

a commotion it is.. :)

demoted

the group erupted into a huge,raucous laugh whilst sharing a joke only they know about.

and i watched from afar. it has always been this way, and always will.

dont know why i thought my luck was going to change this time.it didnt

i wish my dad can help me out with this too

as i am struggling to finish my project management assignment, it made me remember about the time when i was 9 or maybe 10.

i was completely exhausted with the overloaded homework (malaysian education system really do stress out the kids), and i was fighting with my eyelids to keep them open as i tried my hardest to complete my tajwid homework from sekolah agama (the afternoon session religious school most city kids go to).

the next thing i know, i half awoke to the sound of my dad's voice, talking to my Pak Tam, about the tajwid that sounded exactly like my homework, and my dad was holding the exercise book.

now tell me, is there any man that can compete with my dad?i dont think so. and now, im wishing that im back home, and the assignment isnt so darn tedious. :)

valentine's entry

Trees blurred creating hazy, green scenery that was beautiful. I breathed in the comfort of his lap, as he drove, almost as if he has always driven with me lying there.

He has made me cry millions of times, but so have I. we hurt each other in a way that it hurts ourselves the most in the end. We kissed and make up the next minute the shouting and crying show ended. We nagged at one another until the other person turned a deaf ear. We’ve shared countless of drama that was enough for 10,000 drama production, but we couldn’t think of being with anyone else.

This is the man I love, and hopefully will always love me too. He has seen the ugly side of me, yet he stood where he was, claiming his feelings for me will never change. Being in love is not always a lovely experience, but it’s a beautiful one. Having that one person who you know will always catch you when you fall is a gift. It could be your parents, siblings, friends, and even the other half. And I’m thankful I was given all of the above as my catcher. But this is for my sayang, and his name is Faliq Hakim.

kenapa bahasa saya kelakar

im not sure why.but my facebook was suddenly in BM mode.notification suddenly become "tatapan", and the weirdest was trying to comprehend people's status...being single became "kembali bujang"..and its complicated turned into "rumit" or something like that.

im not saying that our bahasa is a joke.its not.i think its the coolest language in the whole wide world. for example, you cant really define what "poyo" means in english, because its cool just the way it is in Bahasa. however, when it comes to all this official stuff (ceeehhhh...macam faceboo tu official sgttt), id like to keep it in english, because my formal bahasa is just too kelakar to digest.

this is MY opinion. please, i dont want anyone suddenly coming up to me and slap me in the face saying "ko patut berbangga cakap bahasa melayu!". im just saying when it comes to me talking in formal bm?i sound like trash.note that I,ME,NUR SYAZA.not you, him, or that guy waiting for the taxi at the bus stand, but MOI.so, yeah..cuit saya anyone?(that is poke me in facebook).

stories from my mother#2

i noticed how my mother liked to reminisce about the old times more often these days. we were having breakfast at our favourite stall, when she commented on my sister's unruly hair. "no matter how many times ive brushed it, it'll become all selekeh again".

and then she suddenly chuckled softly, remembering the time my sister, syafinaz, rosakkan my painting, i didnt recall how old i was, but the twins were still toddlers. and it resulted to syafinaz getting paint all over face, my mother said she wished she had a camera with her at that time. i wished she did too. it mustve been cute to see a chubby japanese-look-a-like with paint smeared all over her face.

and then she recalled the time when the family first moved to subang. i was one year old. as my aunt ani was also moving on the same day, it was quite a hectic day. my dear late grandmother, tok kalsom, cooked lunch for everyone. but because everyone was busy, no one had the time to stop and enjoy the meal. except for me. because according to my mum, i was going about holding a fried fish in my hand, wearing a blue jumpsuit. and my mother remarked", mak, i think cucu mak tu lapar la", to my tok. and ibu said she laughed so hard, that my mother could still remeber her laughter.

im not sure what was funny, seeing a toddler with a fried fish in her hand. but i think my mum was trying to catch a glimspe of the childhood ive long left behind before i really do grow up. but im glad my mother still remembered those stories that was about to be forgotten, because to me, it shows how much my parents love me. :)

closing in

im about to close this blog.because i feel like starting a new chapter in life.

i dont know how i came about this. but there was this one morning that i woke up and suddenly wanting to turn over a new leaf. and maybe by closing a section of the memoirs of life, i could achieve this.

i know this may sound stupid. some would say, " why do u have to delete the entire blog just to start over?", but to me, this is what i want to do.

kuhaz left yesterday. a tearful departure and the fact that the radio played foo fighter's walking after you did not help in easing the pang of missing her badly.

i love you kuhaz. we all love you.

to them with love

ive never been much of a good friend. i know im not completely a horrible one, but still there are things i wished i couldve done more. but im only human. theyve been there when i was in a deep rut, stood by me while i was being a complete ass. so..salude to my friends

heres to my favourite girlfriends

nina:who has always been an inspiration. she became much like a sister who always guides me, and made sure im okay all the way

radhi: my rock, ive never been able to actually comprehend my relationship with radhi, but she was there when i needed her

kuhaz: my dependable friend. somehow kuhaz has always been my comfort zone, even her room was a comfort space to me back when she was in uia.

sue: the one who never fails to love and trust. she was always the one who made us stick together.

and by next week, kuhaz will be leaving for aussie and sue in february. im not very much in a writing - mode right now. i know. but one thing for sure is, i will definitely miss both of you very much.

clearer times ahead

after talking to dr. zain, im more confident of my future than ever. i guess talking to someone in the know-how do help.

ive been so lost before this, and i couldnt really talk to anyone. my head was filled with crazy notions and idealistic goals that i wasnt even sure i could achieve it. and to think id go to sj to talk about this?are you out of ur mind?

thank god for lecturers like dr.zain

where was i?

ive always felt strongly against the israel-palestine affairs. even when nina commented that i have a jewish nose, i went beserk.

but now, the israel's aggresion is more apparent than ever, and where was i when there was a peaceful demo at tabung haji? i was in kaed putting together my first chapter for my thesis. and there was a performance tonight to show support for the palestinians here in uia, and where was i? in this freaking cc.

haih..

resolutions for now

i wont bother making resolutions because each year ive been having the same resolutions, as a result of me not being able to fulfill my resolutions..so..bawak kehadapan...and voila..a recycled set of resolutions.

but not to be deeply pessimistic about this year, and myself, i will state some resolutions that i promise i will uphold/fulfill/whatever you call it:
1. finish my thesis
2.graduate this year

dah...this is my resolutions for NOW...will update later when im thinking with a clear mind and an undivided attention to this blog.because i know i HAVE to finish my thesis, and I HAVE to graduate this semester.hahahaha

2009

the new year came and we didnt even have a countdown. we were too bloated and full with home cooked food and loaded with bitchy gossips and good times spent with close friends. friends that i realized will go on their seperate ways come 2010.

this is probably the last time we'll ever sit together for new year celebration. ill miss this.