networking yo

i met a chinese guy today. his name was charles.

i came to old town completely ladened with my laptop bag and my huge handbag as i asked if i could use the power socket next to his table, and he was kind enough to move his table so i could plug in my laptop.

i cant remember how we started talking, but he was completely surprised tht i speak english fluently, which sadly is quite the image that we, malay youths are propagating. we talked about whatever there was to talk about, from how Putrajaya failed to be a modern city to what politics in Malaysia should be like.

when he was about to leave, he paid for my enrich chocolate drink, and we promised to keep in touch through email.

all in all it was a very refreshing experience. striking up a conversation with a total stranger. i should do that more often. :) *that is if i have the guts

to syanaz and syafinaz

i love my sisters. theres no doubt about it. i have a picture of them when they were toddlers on my notice board in my uia room. it is to remind me that everything i do here is for them, as well as my parents. we might not be close like other sisters are, but we know that we love each other is already enough.

i know the responsibility as the eldest is a heavy one, and its heavier when it comes to my part. but i will now walk away from it now, as i did before this. im ashamed for being such a coward, a pussy and an irresponsible a**hole. i will now embrace my responsibility with an open heart, and i hope God will give me the strength to do this on my own.

my time is almost up, and we'll see the results pretty soon. in which i will not fail you. i love you both.

declining humanity

human are scary beings. they bitch about their friends, whom the night before was proclaimed as their brother/sister, they fight over different ideologies and opinions, and they kill one another for some stupid, idiotic reasons.

what is humanity?was it to have compassion and love for one another? or was it to put on a mask of a smiley face before you greet your "friends"whom you've always begrudged and bitched about because you didnt have the "heart" to tell them of your feelings as it may sound too harsh, when in actual fact, you just didnt have the balls to do it.

will people change?what happens when your "busuk hati" runs out of juice, and you're left alone cramped in your cubicle on your birthday?will it be the right time to say, "serves you right a**hole"?

its not too late to apologise isnt it?

somewhere along the line, i missed the step. it might not be so important when i missed it. but it is now. its shitty that i cant retract or rewind whatever that has been done. we, as humans are mistak-magnets. all i can say now is im sorry.

im sorry for everything. i know you will never read this, but at least ive gotten this off my chest. maybe in due time, ill muster the courage to say it to you in person. *im such a coward*

not now

i dont know when my next meal will come, but i am still happy.

somehow when a friend told me she wished she didnt have to think of having to save when going out, i was somewhat a bit downtrodden. am i a burden to be around with?i wished so its the opposite.

all these while i keep a straight face when peers make comments on my downright thrifty spending, it was quite a cut. but i know they didnt mean to hurt me. they just do not understand.

its okay. i understand. im not like everyone else. even our own family have turned their back on us, but we're still happy. we still have each other.

i wished for many things. i wished i could further my studies after i graduate. but i cant. i wished i could pursue whatever field that i am interested in, but i cant. not now anyway.

being in a position where you feel like flinging yourself off the cliff for being so helpless everyday is not healthy, but i keep it caged nicely, which is why i could still muster a smile.

im not complaining. this is just a way of me telling you how i feel, since i do have a difficulty of expressing my feelings. i wished that my future is written nicely in the book. but i doubt it. all i could see is big, black, heavy clouds that awaits me. all i have now is you, and God. my father has long since given up, and i wished i wont. not now.

all i have now is a clear cut on who has stood beside me while i go through this and who has abandoned me. i may not be able to afford your weekly outings with branded togs, but i could offer you my friendship and loyalty. if that is not enough, i dont see the reason why we should still be friends. when people say" a friend in need is a friend indeed", i guess its not applicable to you.

crossroad part 2

one down, two more to go..

cehhh..cakap macam nak pegi perang padahal amik exam je..

i found myself encountering the familiar crossroad again. it shouldnt have been such a big issue before, i already know what's best for me. but this time, im drawn again into temptations and what I want, instead of what i SHOULD do.

this is really bugging me. this sucks.

to my tok wan

my grandfather was a gentle man, who dotes on his grand children. "eh, tgk, die je yg asyik dukung you", faliq remarked as we were going through my old pictures at mama's house.

i remembered his orchids (he loved growing orchids), how he saved me from being eaten by a vampire (a stupid game my cousins and i were playing which consists of us running around the house screaming from being eaten by the vampire *who was arin*), and he bought me a Ken doll, and told me not to strip him naked, although i did.

i couldnt really remember him as clearly as i wanted to, because he passed away when i was 5. i still remembered his funeral, he wasnt a famous man of the nation, no vip went to his funeral, but i was bawling my eyes out because my tok wan wouldnt wake up. i didnt even get to see him during his final days in the hospital because my mother said the hospital wouldnt let a noisy kid like me in.

i still miss him. he always had a smile on his face, in which he never fails to chuckle whenever his grandchildren were embrawled in mindless, kiddy games and later we would fall back unto his lap exhausted.

here's to my tok wan, who is deeply missed by all.

blurry

if only i could scream at a cliff somewhere, id have a sore throat by now.

im just ranting out some jumbled words mixed in my head that sometimes i dont even know what i said. sometimes i just write whatever that is on my head because my vision would be blurred by tears. like right now.

its sad that even when you are surrounded by people, you still feel alone.

what is even sadder is you have to mimicked a happy face when all you want to do is cry your heart out as loud as you can witholding nothing.

the saddest would be swallowing your shit and face it alone. like it or not, its right in front of you.

i do have to suck it up dont i?

face the music

all these while i had an extra limb, and now i am forced to do it on my own. but this is something i have to go through sooner or later.

"sooner or later, you'll have to face the music alone", faliq told me.

he held my hand as he said,"i wont be able to help you with your project paper, that is your responsibility, but i will make a hot drink for you while you do it, take you to the library, accompany you when you're doing your survey, and be there for you the best way i can".

i think that's enough already. thanks faliq :)

crap is spelled with a 'p'

i malas nak layan boleh tak? boleh tak for once i tak payah nak senyum2 and cakap everything is fine even though ur treating me like crap?

kenape la aku ni bodo sgt pun tak tau.

the cynic

sometimes all it takes is just a small display of love. its not that difficult. but somehow people tend to disregard that one small fact that could actually make the other smile throughout the day.

what's stoping you?why must you put the egoistical barrier in front? it hurts knowing that after all these years, it still doesnt matter how much im trying here, you will never see it.im completely exhausted.

hats off to you~

a completely exhausting trip

we arrived in terengganu around 3 am only to find out that the inn we earlier booked for was a complete nightmare, not only it resembles a horror-story-where-people-slash-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night-like, there was also no receptionist at the counter, nor was anyone picking up the phone,even the handphone, when we called.

So after 2 hours of driving aimlessly along the narrow kampung road, we finally found an inn that looked really nice and new :) which apot called the virgin inn (because the name is dara inn). as emilia and i groaned with pleasure when we sunk into the new beds, i was completely nervous for the next day because a) i dont know anyone there except for maybe 3 people whom are faliq, iqram and amelia; and b) this is a freaking royal wedding!!!

the wedding, although it was really hot, because it starts at 2pm, it was absolutely GORGEOUS. we arrived a bit later than the stated time, so we missed the "perarakan", but we managed to take pictures of the "santapan". in the evening, the newly wedded couple threw a bbq party at the same resort for their friends whom they weren't able to mingle with during the wedding, and the bride was so gorgeous! i just couldnt stop looking at her, knowing how gay i am, but yeah.

to sum it up, the trip was GREAT! and i was so glad i had an excuse to get away from the bustling KL, and managed to get myself a bit of sand here and there :)

private gifts

i came to a sudden realization that ive received panties as a form of a souvenier more than once.

my first gift was when i was still in high school, and my cousin, kak aya who was studying in uk back then gave me a small boxful of gifts, amongst the beautiful bangles were two g-strings with a "miss naughty" picture and another one a bubblegum character blowing bubbles. i dont even know why she gave me such alluring gifts when i didnt even fully understand the concept of being sexy, but then, having cartoon characters on the underwear was hardly sexy :)

second gift was a year ago when sue went to new york, and each of us girls recieved a victoria secret's panties. the name victoria secret alone was sexy, but then again the undergarment was hardly sexy, it was more of a naughty-kinky-ish type because of its vibrant colors..

and lastly. the same year sue went, ika went to indonesia and discovered a haven of shopping. and guess what she bought me?yes!lingerie!!calvin klein's bright red knickers!

maybe it is the current trend now, giving knickers as prezzies, but then again, these knickers have remained untouched for as far as i can remember because, i dont know?! i just dont feel like putting on some memorabillia my friend got me when she went over seas!

tagged by sue

How old are you?
22 soon 23.

2. Are you single?
nope

3. At what age do you think you’ll get married?
ummm...im not to sure about that..maybe when im 26?or 27?but hopefully before 30 la..

4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?
hahaha..hope so! :)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
keanu reeves

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
tak payah kot..because i taknak ade bersanding. but i think id like my sisters to be the bridesmaids

7. Do you want a garden/ beach or traditional wedding?
hahhaa..ive already had this idea for my dream wedding and im not telling!!*takut diciplak atau di gelakkan

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
backpacking across europe!but if my husband really knows me, im not really going to backpack because id pack almost the whole entire closet.. but yeah...but id like to travel to europe :)

9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite.
id really like a small wedding..macam exclusive gitu..hahaha..but it was shot down by my mum who insisted that we invite the entire extended family whom i dont even see for a year or i even know. so yeah..if its according to my mum..im not to sure about the number.. *groans

10. Will that include your exes?
if he wants to come datanglah..

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
hmm..i dont want cake! i want a HUGE chocolate fountain!!

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
petang :)

13. Name the song/tune you’d like to play at your wedding.
banyak...but one of it includes "menunggu nasi minyak", by hail amir and uji rashid..hehehe..i like that song!so what?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork & knife?
ntahlah..im not even sure what food they're going to serve.hahahaha

15. Champagne or red wine?
milo ais!hahaha..taklah..giler ape milo ais..id want lemonade..is that possible??okaylah..limau ais (kite kan malaysian)

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
right after the wedding

17. Money or household items?
both oso can..no problem...dapat pun dah bersyukur..*ecehhh

18. How many kids would you like to have?
lots!!!id like to have 6..3 boys and 3 girls :)

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
yes!mestilah..sambil tengok balik dan gelak kat our own idiocy during the wedding and reminisce about my once nice body figure decades ago.. :)

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
the rest of the girls! and anyone who reads this blog and are willing to take the time to do
this, they're more than welcome..

**** off

i am enthralled by all this commotion...

a commotion it is.. :)

demoted

the group erupted into a huge,raucous laugh whilst sharing a joke only they know about.

and i watched from afar. it has always been this way, and always will.

dont know why i thought my luck was going to change this time.it didnt

i wish my dad can help me out with this too

as i am struggling to finish my project management assignment, it made me remember about the time when i was 9 or maybe 10.

i was completely exhausted with the overloaded homework (malaysian education system really do stress out the kids), and i was fighting with my eyelids to keep them open as i tried my hardest to complete my tajwid homework from sekolah agama (the afternoon session religious school most city kids go to).

the next thing i know, i half awoke to the sound of my dad's voice, talking to my Pak Tam, about the tajwid that sounded exactly like my homework, and my dad was holding the exercise book.

now tell me, is there any man that can compete with my dad?i dont think so. and now, im wishing that im back home, and the assignment isnt so darn tedious. :)

valentine's entry

Trees blurred creating hazy, green scenery that was beautiful. I breathed in the comfort of his lap, as he drove, almost as if he has always driven with me lying there.

He has made me cry millions of times, but so have I. we hurt each other in a way that it hurts ourselves the most in the end. We kissed and make up the next minute the shouting and crying show ended. We nagged at one another until the other person turned a deaf ear. We’ve shared countless of drama that was enough for 10,000 drama production, but we couldn’t think of being with anyone else.

This is the man I love, and hopefully will always love me too. He has seen the ugly side of me, yet he stood where he was, claiming his feelings for me will never change. Being in love is not always a lovely experience, but it’s a beautiful one. Having that one person who you know will always catch you when you fall is a gift. It could be your parents, siblings, friends, and even the other half. And I’m thankful I was given all of the above as my catcher. But this is for my sayang, and his name is Faliq Hakim.

kenapa bahasa saya kelakar

im not sure why.but my facebook was suddenly in BM mode.notification suddenly become "tatapan", and the weirdest was trying to comprehend people's status...being single became "kembali bujang"..and its complicated turned into "rumit" or something like that.

im not saying that our bahasa is a joke.its not.i think its the coolest language in the whole wide world. for example, you cant really define what "poyo" means in english, because its cool just the way it is in Bahasa. however, when it comes to all this official stuff (ceeehhhh...macam faceboo tu official sgttt), id like to keep it in english, because my formal bahasa is just too kelakar to digest.

this is MY opinion. please, i dont want anyone suddenly coming up to me and slap me in the face saying "ko patut berbangga cakap bahasa melayu!". im just saying when it comes to me talking in formal bm?i sound like trash.note that I,ME,NUR SYAZA.not you, him, or that guy waiting for the taxi at the bus stand, but MOI.so, yeah..cuit saya anyone?(that is poke me in facebook).

stories from my mother#2

i noticed how my mother liked to reminisce about the old times more often these days. we were having breakfast at our favourite stall, when she commented on my sister's unruly hair. "no matter how many times ive brushed it, it'll become all selekeh again".

and then she suddenly chuckled softly, remembering the time my sister, syafinaz, rosakkan my painting, i didnt recall how old i was, but the twins were still toddlers. and it resulted to syafinaz getting paint all over face, my mother said she wished she had a camera with her at that time. i wished she did too. it mustve been cute to see a chubby japanese-look-a-like with paint smeared all over her face.

and then she recalled the time when the family first moved to subang. i was one year old. as my aunt ani was also moving on the same day, it was quite a hectic day. my dear late grandmother, tok kalsom, cooked lunch for everyone. but because everyone was busy, no one had the time to stop and enjoy the meal. except for me. because according to my mum, i was going about holding a fried fish in my hand, wearing a blue jumpsuit. and my mother remarked", mak, i think cucu mak tu lapar la", to my tok. and ibu said she laughed so hard, that my mother could still remeber her laughter.

im not sure what was funny, seeing a toddler with a fried fish in her hand. but i think my mum was trying to catch a glimspe of the childhood ive long left behind before i really do grow up. but im glad my mother still remembered those stories that was about to be forgotten, because to me, it shows how much my parents love me. :)