Thursday, October 07, 2010

marriage dilemma #1

u know, weddings were never a nuisance for me before. BEFORE, I.E when i was still in school. i was never pestered with the annoying "eh, ni bile nak kawin ni" questions.

suddenly now i am burdened with having to put on an awkward smile and say to those busy-body makciks, "lame lagi kot, keje pun tak betul lagi". true, i may be an employee of one of the biggest companies in malaysia, but asking for PA MA financial assistance by end of the month doesnt constitute me as a financially stable person.

whenever i broach the marriage subject with faliq, he gets all sweaty and nervous, (not because he doesnt want to marry me, for proof, please read here) haha, siap letak proof. tak tahan. because of the state we're both into at the moment. he's working a job that only gets him a day leave of all 7 days a week. im working with a measly wage i cant even support myself. let alone a child when we do have one. and lets not talk about both of our parents' conditions. they cant even afford to hold a kenduri (knowing how expensive it is nowadays for catering, booking a venue, wedding gowns, photographers, OH THE DRAMA!)

Sometimes i wish faliq and i could just escape some place private and hold a small ceremony, with just our family and close friends. Without the frills, without having to invite people i dont even know (parents! they want to invite EVERYONE!) and we dont have to think about having to fork out so much money :(

sometimes i feel like taking faliq to the wedding registrar, register as a married couple, and later, maybe, a year later only then we'll celebrate the wedding, with all the blings blings. (because by then miraculously got money dee).

sometimes i feel like i dont want to get married at all, enjoy life as an unmarried couple, have a couple of bastards, and living life like westerners, and people wouldnt be so busy body to campur my urusan (that is of course paling radical la. i think my mum will skin me alive for doing this)

you see, our culture has made marriage a difficult thing to accomplish, especially for a yuppy like me, who does not have a tan sri as my father and an anak dato' as my boyfriend.

i've always been in awe of people my age who are married. (well, most have older husbands, please let's not mention about my 5 years older ex and start going "look, kalau tak break dah lame ko kawin" because that is just insensitive. ko kawin bukan just for the sake of getting married, but because you want to spend the rest of your life with the man you know will love you for who you are, and likewise)

penat jugak membebel pasal bende ni, when you know you've got your whole life ahead of you. career, getting where you want to be, etc. Even my mum was taken aback by my plan on getting married in two years time, and told me she'd prefer me to wait a bit longer (like what she did) and hopefully mature over the years before i decide to get married. UMM...trueeeee.....but... nak tunggu saya mature tu macam tunggu buah durian time bukan musim die la kannn

sigh. i wish i was still 5. this is sooooo tiring.

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