angus, thongs and perfect snogging

i dont know why facebook is sooo lembab.....i think it's my pc. its infested with virus and god-knows-what.

yesterday watched angus, thongs and perfect snogging. a true chick flick..and i LOVE it!!..while nina and i were drroling over the hot and gorgeous robbie, faliq wished he never had come because he was completely bored out of his mind.. (ahahaha..kesian..) except the part where angus got lost and part mane2 yang ade angus. (i suke giler angus!!)

to sue, kuhaz and radhi: u guys will love angus. but i chop dulu.hahahaha

stories from my parents #1

When I was small, I fell off a bike. I had a big cut right above my eye lids that required stitching. An hour passed, and I showed no sign of surrendering to the anaestathics the doctor had put me in, he finally gave up, slapped a plaster on my gash, and told my dad to take me home. hence why I had a scar right above my eyelids. I never noticed it until my dad told me recently. Stories like this made me miss my parents everytime im away from home.

i guess time do have healing powers

Friendships were forged because of some common grounds you found within each other. Islam encourages us to protect our silaturrahim. Yet there are a lot of questions swirling in my head concerning friendship, which I know I’ve voiced it in my previous entries. Some contradicting one another, which I may say depicts the mood I was in during the time I wrote it. But as I grow older I still find the question of friendship as mind-boggling as ever. Some friendships I have leave me as lonely as it can get me yet made me feel complete at the same time. Sounds confusing? Believe me, it still is to me. How about the complicated friendship I have with my ex?

Well, I won’t get into that now. when I was a teenager, having a best friend was a must. Having one made me feel like I was the coolest person on earth to be able to say,”well, my bestfriend is etc….”. Yet what does being a best friend really is? To be truthful to one another? To be able to share everything? I have to admit I envy those in the movies where their best friend is like their other half (not in that gf bf way), bila cubit peha kanan, peha kiri terasa juga.

I had a best friend, one that I love and hate at the same time. I loved her in every way that I wished I could kick the asses of the ones that made her cry everytime she called me crying. But at the same time i harbored feelings of dislike that I shouldn’t have towards my bestfriend. Her out-rightness, that stung me, how she made me feel so low that I’d wished the earth could swallow me up at that moment (my very low self-consciousness was partly to be blamed). And in the end I chose to distance myself rather than confront her, all these years, I was still the coward. I wasn’t a good friend myself, for if I was, I would’ve told her how hurtful I felt, and maybe we could actually mend our ways.

But as times passes by, wounds heal, though unlike a plaster covering a gash, more like a cloth covering the wounds, and each time the winds flicked it, the sting is still there. all these years, I wanted to show her that I managed to live a happy life without her, it only made me shameful for being such a vengeful and hateful person. Confronting people is not my cup of tea, but shunning people seemed to be my special ability now. well, maybe if our paths do cross again, I wished to shake her hands and wish her a happy life. im finally able to close the curtains and become a new person.

haih..since everyone did it

Rules:- Choose a band/singer-
Answer the following using ONLY titles of songs by that band/singer

Are you male or female? x&Y
Describe yourself. viva la vida
What do people feel when they’re around you? Shiver (Because im so cool..hahahaha)
How would you describe your previous relationship? Trouble
Describe your current relationship. Lovers in Japan/Reign of love
Where would you want to be now? In My Place
How do you feel about love? Sparks
What’s your life like? God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
What would you ask for if you had only one wish? High Speed
Say something wise. Don't Panic

singer: Coldplay

just a mindless rant

i am blessed with the opportunity to travel to different countries even though i am financially disadvantaged.

the experiences i gained when i went to korea and hong kong is a lot to even put it on paper (or the internet)..i might as well say that there are good times, and definitely some rough patches that surfaced itself during the trip. but im nevertheless grateful to be able to travel.

after the trip, my girlfriends and i finally went on our cptdt. though its a shorter one as compared to what we discussed earlier, but it was still a trip with my close friends.

the new semester that is ushering in seems very much vague to me.and i find myself being nervous on what the future has to offer for me. haha...ill write more after this..i forgot the posts ive written beforehand..

updates later..

im currently surfing with the slowest computer on the face of the earth and with a keyboard so noisy that if type a longer entry i think the rest of the people here will throw me out..so anyway..ill update the blog later..with posts regarding my trip to korea and hong kong, and melaka with the girls..

yesterday i went out with faliq's family (which means the mum and the sister)...scaarrryyy..but after awhile i managed to make myself comfortable and hanging out with his sis and mum is actually fun..hahaha..but im still scared tho..what if they think differently of me..now that they've spent time with me longer than before (which was having dinner..or lunch)

what i will miss

i think i will miss uia when i graduate (which i hope will be next month because honestly im pretty much fed-up with all this hulla-balloos).

ten things i will miss:
1. my room in asiah (pray not my current room because the kipas is rosak and the fastest speed is two..macam f***er)

2. the kaed lab (i dont care if faliq said our lab is outdated as compared to HIS, this is where i spent most of my time when im in kaed)

3. kaed cafe (because that is the only place i go to when my tummy needs filling up, and the sambal belacan is BEST HABIS)

4. kaed gallery (i know im quite a loser because ive already listed three places in kaed alone..but i LOVE the gallery..ive always been awed by it ever since i came here)

5. hs cafe (since i like to eat a lot, hs cafe is a nice place to eat with an okay variety of good food and a chance to tgk orang *another fav activity of mine)

6. kyros kebab (uve got to admit that having this in the campus is super cool)

7. the library (i looooveee the libabry because its so preeettyyy and BIIGGGG)

8. The shop next to hs cafe (because it has an applaud able range of chocolates)

9. the nescafe kiosk (because i can get my mocha freeze there, and it almost turned me into a caffeine-addict back when i was in 2nd year)

10. kaed's office (because i can think of anywhere else id miss..im ran out of ideas by this time..nasib baik 10 je..kalau 20 mampos tak tau nak isi ape)

having identified that a majority of the places id miss is mostly places that accommodates to food-precessing/consumption or ape2 la yang berkenaan dengan food..the deductive conclusion would be that i like to eat. and maybe when i left uia, ill probably also miss the restaurants and stalls i usually go to such as nz, mali, ayam kukus, mancongkam and many more.

korea episode 1

here i am in the lab.waiting for the rain to stop so i can stop by the hs cafe for my delayed lunch..haish.. so..im anxious of my trip, knowing that ill be welcomed by dry cold winter, and maybe ill have that rash if im not careful enough.

korea has come a long way to become what it is now. never ending wars with japan and china(since the early civilization until the 19th century, as it served as a bridge between these two nations), and a severe civil war that resulted to the seperation of korea into two parts, the republic of korea and north korea.

what interests me was how they managed to build up the nation to become one of the economic tigers in asia (aside from japan, singapore, taiwan and hong kong) after the civil war that severely damaged the capital city, seoul, almost destroying every modern building they have in the 1950s. not to mention the political struggle of the nation itslef, but i wont get into that because i might bore your tights out.

ill write more of korea when i get back.hopefully with pictures too ;)

penat nye

the trip to korea is less than a week away..the CAN PLAN THIS DAMN TRIP is two weeks after the Korea trip..my god...how am i supposed to keep up with this?

a sudden burst of happiness

suddenly i realized that not everything revolved around money. i guess im a little slow being at that could be due to me being friends with people of affluent background. (not that im complaining :) i love them to bits)

i like having this feeling.its a nice one :)

cuba lah kalau berani

being disadvantaged? i call this being strong and willfull.

words can never bring me down..but yes..stick and stones can break my bones.

pretending to be concerned?please shove that in the dustbin.i dont need anymore hypocrisy.ive had that for years.

wahh...you're so HEBAT...*think i'd actually say that to you?are you delusional?

that tiny voice

i can do this. *breathing in deeply

im absolutely sure that i want this *breathing in again

but no one told you to do so

you put this upon yourself

in the toilet..while waiting

i was thinking how i'd actually be when im forty. this realization came when i was ~ehem...in the toilet (well..some of you know the average time i have to spend in that god-forsaken place)... and there was nothing left to do but to think about what my future would be.

a tiny place in my mind nudges me to go forward, before there is no more time left, and i'd be an old fogy before i realize it. another voice was still as whiny as ever (whining about the current situation of life, and its unfortunate events)..

if i dont this now..i never will.no one can actually assure me that they have my back because they don't. im actually really alone in this. i've just realized this. yes..in the toilet.

p/s:aside from thinking of my goals that has yet to be fulfilled, ive also thought about how i would look like when my youth has gotten the better of me. im not sure im looking forward to that.

emotional baggage

emotional baggage are just too heavy to be lugged around.they should be dropped off as soon as there's an opportunity to do so.

what's the problem?

"jaga-jaga nanti tangan bengkak", she reminded me the 100th time. we dont say much to each other, but i will forego my own life for them in a heartbeat.

the stares, the odd look they gave them made me boil and mentally stopping myself from going there and yanking the hairs out of their stupid, ignorant head.shut up! so what if they will never be normal?what is normal to you??are YOU normal?you think you're better than them??FAT F***ing CHANCE..

they dont judge like you do, they dont discriminate like you do.tell me who's the better person?piss off.

the ugly phase is over

the mother forego her money set aside for her new clothes so that her daughters could have new ones. "i wished i could give you the things you wanted, you know that". the daughter sulked and stormed upstairs.

the tired mother fryed some chicken, which was one of her daughter's favourite dish, and called her her for dinner, "i fried you some chicken". she replied hastily "im having dinner outside", and grabbed the keys to the old car and drove off. where she spent valuable time that should be spent at home with her friends, that dont even know the names of her sisters.

im not her anymore. i hated that ugly person. no words could describe how sorry i am to have treated you this way. but i could never imganed living without you. you have always been my pillar of strength, and my rock. i wished i could erased those shameful moments in my life, when i made you cry and sad, but i couldnt. i love you more than anything i could imagine, and this is my promise to you, i will never be ugly again.ever.

i love you ibu.

the man i love the most

he handed me the few last 50 notes in his wallet. "take it, at least we all have nasik at home". silence. my lips quivered as i struggled to keep my tears in. if he'd known how much i have changed underneath, i think i'd be breaking his heart over and over again.

this false face im displaying was not intended to hurt you, but its because i love you more than anyone else in the world.

i hope we'll get through this ayah. i love you.

dreaming part 1

i think im somehow blessed with the ability to have awesome dreams when i sleep. not that its always a positive awesome, but sometimes it could be kinda morbid in way that its awesome because its like a story of its own. if i pen down everything ive dreamt before, i think i would have been one of the most successful script or screenplay writer ever. only if im in hollywood or something because i dont really think malaysian viewers can digest the complexity of my dreams, let alone having the budget to produce it...*cewah..cakap macam hebat je...

p/s: last night i dreamt maman, a schoolmate of mine wanted to stab me..i dont even know why..

slamat hari raya

hahaha..i lupe! selamat hari raya everyone!!and maaf zahir....batin tak payah la kan?

seperti biasalah..the rahman clan beraya di kl jah since my grandparents from each side have passed away.but the funny thing was, even when they were still here, we've always celebrated raya in kl.the fact that my family still has a strong utara-accent and prepare utara dishes makes us (the younger generation) somehow remain rooted to our "origin".

this year's celebration seemed somewhat dimmed, maybe because all of us are now grown up, so the spirit of raya is a bit lukewarm.abang adik's kids were a handful and i never thought being an aunt can be a challenging task.

anyhoots..this raya has (in its mysterious ways) peppered me with a speck of maturity and now im glad that ive become more contented with life. life is not always a bed of roses.this took me six years to actually understand its true meaning.my salute to the ones that faces life head-on and say "you cant bring me down!im and immovable object!"~cewah, macam batman la pulak "an unstoppable force meets and immovable object".

though this raya has somehow caused a bit of a strain, im glad it didnt damper my family's spirit.i think im the luckiest person on earth to have such an amazing family. :)

p/s:our jakun-ness of the kampung was one of the reasons why my sisters cycled straight into the bendang when we went back to penang and visited one of tok's relatives (this was light years ago).they thought it was a lush, green open space...budak-budak kota ni....~clucking tongue

new found hobby

ive found a new hobby..blog-hopping..even when i dont even know who the blogger is.there was this one occasion in which i bumped into the "empunya" blog, and i was close to being star-strucked.its like meeting a celebrity of some sort. i mean, of course she doesnt know i exist, but then knowing what her thoughts were, events occuring in her life makes me feel weird.a teeny bit.

does that mean im creepy?does it mean im violating some sort of an unspoken rule or something?

intrigued.that was me.of their lives.of other people's lives.besides mine.oh my god..im even beginning to sound creepy ....

*syaza has since searched for a new hobby as to avoid the awkard realization that she might be a creepy person

kan dah susah

me and my insecurities.why god.why??

i did something that ive never done before in my WHOLE entire life.surfing the boyfriend's exes' page and profile.syaza ko takde keje lain lagi ke ape..amende nak cari masalah. now im feeling all insecure about myself because i know i will never be like them.

aiyeh...

research method-last episode

ill bet everyone is glad to know that my research method class is officially OVER.i just hope i didnt flunk the quiz today..it SUCKED big time..and no more CHE DIN!!HOORAY!!

22

Your birthday is something that you think you own. It is YOUR day. The day you are supposed to feel special. Of course as you grow older, the spiciness of that day sort of just blend in the background of your life, instead of adding zest to that Monday, or whatever day it is like it used to when you were 10 years old. Financial matters do play an important role here, no moolahs, means no extravagant celebration. But then again, money is not so important, in fact its what is around us that makes us feel special. That’s why I’d like to thank my friends, faliq and cousins that wished me happy birthday along with their crazy messages (faliq wished me 5 times whilst kuhaz wished me 3 times..Talk about being nuts..hahaha), J my family for getting my favourite chocolate cake, and mama for bearing with my cake even though she loathes chocolate. And ika and rose for the wonderful nite out at jalan tar. Now I really do feel like an adult, going out to kl at midnight only to return after sahur is quite an adult-ish thing to do J (don’t mind me for my jakun-ness). And the funny thing is my parents are totally okay with it! (On the contrary of a few nights back when faliq and I missed a turning and only reached my house at 3 am). Wow. I really do feel 22 now.

the little bits left

i find myself still visiting his page, his flickr, and his profile.sometimes i wonder if im ever going to get over this.its been 4 months, and still his "moments" are etched in my head.my stupid stupid head.

i shouldnt be the one mourning when im the one who left.but i had to.because i realized that it was beginning to destroy me.inside out.friends have commented how "glowing" i look now, when the truth is, i just cant seem to kick the bucket and get it over and done with.

ach..the heart is a sensitive entity of its own.i wondered of he'd ever had my "moments".i wished him happy, seriously i do.i love him despite the split.but i've found happiness in another.sometimes i think what i did was despicable, leaving him for my own happiness, but i guess ive made the right choice. both of us are thriving in own lives, and we didnt realize that we were the ones dragging each other down.

now tha baggage is gone, so has the sallowness of the face.glowing.that was what acap told me.i was glowing.i hadn't heard that for two years.

the ultimate test

this whole has been a test for us..im not sure if we passed it..but im glad u didnt give up..because i didnt to.

btw..i think ive fallen for you even more :)

fast forward

i remember when i was in the bullet train.peering through the thick glass window, amazed by the speed of the vehicle. the scenery blurred, like life been fast fowarded.

i think thats what im going through now. only im not in a bullet train.ive been idle most of the time.

the tale of taking pictures

A picture can tell a tale of a thousand words. The pictures I took, most of with him, told a story of young adult aspiring to be reputable, note that, not a professional photographer, armed with her old canon powershot A430. She prided herself for being able to snap beautiful pictures without having to do it with an SLR or even an 8 megapixel camera, because her camera was only of 4 MP. And she needn’t to modify of beautify the pictures using any software because it is beautiful just the way it was taken.

She would trudge the streets of KL with him, looking for the best shot. He would be there, supporting her, as always, sharing the moment of when she’d stumble upon tangible moments that ought to be snapped and recorded. He would praise her for her sharp eyes that could always get the best angle, and encourage her passion with promises to buy the best camera and plodded her with photography magazines.

Now that he’s gone, so has the fiery passion of taking the best pictures in the world with the tatty, old camera. The pictures she took were too painful to even look at now, because they told stories of when he was there, smiling and nudging her to go forward. Stories that covered the million times he’d make her cry, times he’d hurt her with his coldness, times when she held on in desperation because she believed that he loved her despite the pain.

Maybe in a couple of years on, she will find the courage to trudge down the streets of KL again. With her powershot in hand and the eye for the best shot, but now her heart needs healing, and faith to believe in herself again, that she will be able to achieve greatness someday, just as he told he before.

Looking back at the pictures, it traced back at the moments of when the best shots would be taken, of kite-flying experiences, of KL streets packed with people, and two lovers bounded by a mutual passion.

emotional b***h

emotions are quite an interesting subject to talk about.people and their emotions go hand in hand that it never strikes me that without these emotions, we'd become somebody we are not today.

why do i have to be jealous of my boyfriend hanging out with his close female pals?why does he have to be jealous when i hang out with my guy friends?when we both are well assured that we love each other, and would never dream of cheating, let alone being with someone else.

why do i still feel something when i come across things that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend?when i know that i am now happier than i was before, he was not meant for me (which was visible in many ways), and the fact that he has already moved on months ago added to the appeal of not wanting to remember your ex.

i could just zip all these in a canvas bag and store it at the back of my head..but noo....i just HAVE to feel all these emotional s**t..aih...im only human i guess

stooopid word challenge

im still waiting for the freaking word challenge to load..pfftt.......anyway...the lab is filled with people trying to whisk away time while waiting for zohor..

i am addicted to facebook games....

late...

i was an hour late for my research method class.thank god its the fasting month.che din had no other option but to be "understanding" with my tardiness and gave me the attendance sheet.well, i did have a valid reason....(the bus at the terminal putra broke down..actually.. all of the buses going to uia broke down, leaving only one available bus...)

which makes me even more pressured to not be angry because this is the fasting month, and of all the time i wanted to use the public transport, today would be the fated day, where 1) im fasting (as of all the whole muslim community worldwide), 2) today is research method class, and 3) we all are well-aware of how "efficient" public transportation is... and i HAD to take the whole 3 mode of transportation, i.e. komuter, lrt, and bus

they should hand it to me to be the most frequent pub.transport user, as compared to my friends. radhi should take note of this.

the search for the perfect one

i have no idea that searching for the perfect baju kurung can be sooooo STRESSFUL...........

you want something that will make you look fab, that no other human being within the radius of your raya visit will wear on the first raya, that will not make you hot and sweaty when you go on your raya rounds (which only leaves us to cotton, if you want to put it that way), and finally, will look extra-expensive even though its not that expensive-o...(because of course, who'd want to wear anything that looks cheap even though you've paid big bux for it?)

i dont even know if im looking forward to Raya...and this is only the first WEEK!!!

cheong gye cheon river

few days back, while whisking time away at mama's house i was surfing through the channel, when i came across Nat Geo, featuring the cheog gye cheon river in their Man Made Marvel program.

now, what caught my interest, aside from the fact that my class will be going to Korea this coming November, was how committed everyone in Seoul was in ensuring that the project came t0 live. you see, cheong gye cheon didn't just went through a water treatment phase to become what it is now, but it was actually buried beneath the earth in the heart of Seoul, with massive elevated highways all over it.

when the seoul community was sick of all the dusts and pollution, they missed the river that was the heart of the city, thus, begin a reclamation period in whereby the elevated highways were actually torn down to make way for the river to be re-surfaced again.

and of course, the usual treatment process in ensuring the water in the river was pathogen-free, and other measures in ensuring that the water level stays that way. and how the whole community came together (even the nenek and makciks) helping to plant trees alongside the river was an amazing display on how the community-participation could help in building the city.

im hoping that malaysians could actually see how important this is in order to make Kuala Lumpur a livable city as what Seoul is right now. can we do this?turning the Klang River into a "recreational area with fresh river water". BAHH

free of assignments for a WEEK!!!

a week full of social obligations, replaced by two heavy assignments by the end of it it one hell of a thing to go through, especially when you're "supposed" to be on a holiday.

now that both assignments are safely in the respective lecturer's room, the biggest worry now is finding the right baju kurung for raya.

owh sheesh..how i wish i can experience this FOREVER.

what were you thinking?

why did you do that??am i just some disposable friend to you?all these while you were someone special to me..and you just had to do that..why??

at least now ive been able to see you in te real light.thanks a lot.

friendship lessons..

i read an old friend's blog and realized how distant we've grown. i bet she wouldn't even understand whatever i wrote in my blog because yes..i am a blog "discriminator". i blog about things that only my closest friends know about.

but to think about the friends that come and go, it saddens me at the fact that i do move on pretty fast. dont get me wrong, that emotional switch button do turns on once in a while, but it doesn't get to me as bad as it used to. i think i have to thank ayam for that. for making me a bit hard on the inside.

moving to bangi taught me a lot of things that i dont think ill ever learn if i were to stay in subang. self-acceptance, family, and the art of being friends for a really LOOONG time, that no matter what happens, "i got your back" phrase will be a normal thing to say.

being in uia taught me that friends reflect who you really are and the beautiful secret of complementing each other.. as well as forgiving one's mistakes..believe me....we have gone through a LOOOONNNNGG way just to learn that one right.

having friends are easy, staying friends is hard work. i think all it takes is the effort we make.

i miss them already

my two girlfriends have just graduated. this is it then..this formally shows that whatever association they have with uia is now over......ALAHHHHH......

guys..congratulations...i love you guys always!!UIA IS SUCH A F***ED PLACE WITHOUT THE TWO OF YOU!!!!!

you

the cuddling and talking was one of the things i remember most about you. you are one special guy do you know that?

today's class

well...my research method class today went pretty well..i think che din was in quite a good mood..because 1, i was not the target of his customary verbal abuses (in fact there was none to anyone today)..and 2, he even joined us for breakfast during the break.

i think he was pretty happy with the quiz results. i was about to get to that..hehehe...i passed!!!woot woot!!in fact i think everyone passed. and i got a B!

and i was even on the verge of liking che din today(i meant as liking him as my fav lecturer....NOT in any other way...PLEASE)

the loss of my bestfriend

i have yet to come terms with the loss of my bestfriend. the easiest way to deal with it is by keeping the emotional bursting shut and i was off to a fine day ahead.

i still havent found a way to express my "inner" feelings. i hope my head is still okay.

first encounter

he came after the yasin recitation ended. with his high songkok, and goody-two-shoes, clean linen clothes, he looked like the exemplary UIAM student. (but of course he isnt)

"wuih, like pierre andre", anti ana nudged me. i almost choke in my tawar sirap. and the fact that she introduced him to my dad (who loathes pierre andre) as pierre andre was ......comical to put it short.

he ate until he was stuffed. waiting for my mother to come back from a friend's kenduri. i was too busy with whatever chore anti ana shouted at me, so he was keeping himself occupied watching me, and the rest of the family members. my sisters had a good laugh when i poked him (and he twitched like he always do). and mama couldnt recognized him because he was wearing his Tunku Abdul Rahman songkok (or so that's what he calls it)

my cousins had a good round of calling him a skema boy to his face, while he laughed and called my cousin an old lady. everyone was in a jolly mood. even when my mom came back, and said "if you can put up with her, i salute you", still everyone laughed jovially.i think that should count as something right?

well faliq hakim, welcome to the Rahman's family. the worse is about to come

friendship vs. boyfriend

i have to admit that i have this habit of being too "involved" with my relationship that i tend to "overlook" the hanging-out-with-friends part. my biggest regret was when anne came back last year and i only get to see her once. my excuse was? too busy (which was partially true, but most of the time i was too busy snogging ayam).

how did i let this get between me and my friends?im not sure myself.i guess it sort of happened unconciously that by the time you actually realized it, two years have passed. i dont think i want that to happen.and this year, i missed her birthday bash which was not due to me snogging faliq, but because of the stoopid impian meeting).

and the fact that my previous boyfriend dont really fancy the idea of hanging out with my buddies sort of put a strain there. i should actually learn my lesson when that happened. who in this world would want to go out with a guy who hates your friends?well, love blinded me (like a LOT). and this is my heartfelt apology.

now im trying to revive what's lost.some friends have stopped altogether from asking me out. and some even grew distant. please give me a chance to remedy this.

p/s: thank you faliq for making the effort to hang out with my friends. you dont know how much that means to me. i love you baby.

life is okay so far.

im a spontaneous idealist.wow.somehow i dont know if i can actually categorize myself to be in any particular group..because i find myself a mixture of almost everything.im not quiet..but there are somethings that i reserve to myself..i love meeting new people, but mostly i enjoy spending time with a small group of close friends.

whew...anyways...che dins class today was almost breeze-like.i came late for the quiz, but i think i did better than the 1st quiz last sem...hope so :)

so..two quizzes down..another one to go....then ill be off to meet my baby :)

che din's class part3

yesterday's class with che din of course didnt go well.but by the time he was hurling his routine verbal abuses, i have already switched myself to a numb mode.even his threats to fail me again fell on deaf ears.my deaf ears.

sometimes i wonder what did i ever do to aggravate the old man.

im a superstar

this month alone im bogged down with 5 assignments, continous quizzes every week, and a hell lot of events/activites to attend.

i feel like a star :) hahahaha

but anyway, just to recap whatever happened last week, the drums festival was a blast. hanging out with your close girlfriends adds to it. being close to your lover is another thing, and last but not least, being able to spend your time with your family is the greatest. although i was given the task to become the family's driver, i was happy nonetheless to be able to "berkhidmat" to my mum.

happy belated birthday ibu.i love you.always.

you are one special guy

thank you for being here. and for making the effort to get to know my friends.i love you.

today's class

my class with che din have just ended, and i could safely say that this week's class went pretty well. at least i wasnt his favourite bull's eye for any cynical remarks or whatever that he has in mind today.

and to add to my vocab, as i am not aware that my collection in the usage of words are not as extensive as the others around me, i have come across a new word or a phrase if you may put it, its magnum opus, which is in latin, meaning being perfect.

HEBAT kan?

*i really think ive become obssessed with my classes with che din, and the need to widen my vocabulary*

im not a friendly blogger

i blog about personal things. i blog about things that only close friends of mine could decipher what i was raving about. i realized that im not a very "friendly" blogger.

*this is after i read afiq deen's blog.his blog is like WOW.*

words...phfft...

its amazing how my friends seem to have a larger-than-life vocab.

and the only word that i can think of that sounds complicated enough is espetada. i dont even know if its in the dictionary..

hold..im checking my trusty collins..

nope..i just realized that espetada is a meal from nandos.

fasting yang tak jadi

i was supposed to fast today, but i batal already. why?because kaed cafe's smell of ayam goreng is just too tempting..yes..i gave in to temptation (which was one is supposed to overcome when fasting) and to know that i gave in to kaed's food is even more pathetic (lain lah kalau depan mata i ade cinnabon ke, j.co ke)

so now i have to re-fast balik (if there is such a word) tomorrow. and to think that i have a class with che din and prof mansor tomorrow will definitely test my patience and my ability to stop cursing. we'll see.

home sweet home

"Malaysia is full of big dreams yang memang takkan sampai instead of being practical and rational"- Nina

i could actually agree with her on that. we see mega projects that will only be feasible in a 5 year period but will later on be a white elephant, we see big bucks spent on making Malaysia look good for now (the "save Sufiah campaign" which still made me wonder why the hell do we have to be busybodies when she's not even a Malaysian citizen), but disregarding the later part of the years, where it will later on be an eye sore and a freaking waste of money (such as the sports village that was built for commonwealth).

why Malaysia why? why do you have to ignore us, the Malaysians who have been your true supporters all these while, but are not getting the love we deserve from you. if this is your way of increasing the Malaysian spirit by making all this flashy projects just so we could be proud of you, I'd think you're being a bit too transparent and shallow on this aren't you?

LOSER

i woke up early today.thats a miracle even for me.i did my laundry (3 weeks worth of it!) and i was actually hoping i could eat my cereals..but tak sempat.aiyeh....

omg..why am i blogging about this??(im becoming quite a loser lah)

where is the lecturer??

im in the lab...and ive been here for half an hour waiting for the lecturer (che din, the cause of my misery last week).

everyone came early only to wait for half an hour doing nothing.even the guys came early.(wajdi in particular..he never does..)

so,..im bidding my time before i can actually get out of here.

just so you know

I read about how the Palestinians are driven out of their homes. Just to make way for jewish settlers that came in hordes into their own soil. I read about how they are marginalized in their very own country, discriminated even if they pay the taxes, deprived from their rights to have the basic necessities in life, because of the judaization of Jerusalem. I should be thankful that I live peacefully in my own country, away from bullets ripping through the wall when im asleep. I am thankful I was given the chance to study and choose my own course of life, instead of being shut out from getting the chance to be educated. I am grateful I am who I am.

The Jews are not only driving out Muslims, but Christians as well. They claimed that they have the right to the land, because David built it for them. For only what? 77 years? The muslims have ruled the land for 4 centuries! And so did the Christians for almost 1 century! Where did you get it in your head that this is YOUR land? Are you stupid? Cant you do maths? You’re not even really jewish! You’re of EUROPEAN descent! You’re not of david’s or moses’s bloodline! What in the world are you talking about? The caananites or should I say, the lawful descent of the philistines and caananites, which are the Palestinians are the RIGHTFUL people to stay. You know, karma does not apply to Buddhist teachings only, its actually common sense in all religion. God is watching, and he is only bidding His time. Just so you know.

at this point of time

At this point of time, when you’ve come to the intersection in the choices you make in life, you are often left to wonder if the choices you make will scar you for life. the answer? Yes it will. but there is one thing that I hold on to. Don’t look back. Never look back and regret the choices you made. In this way, it will never scar you.

I don’t think I will ever be 100% happy. That is the fact that I have to live with. I’m so good with building walls around myself that I managed to kick everyone out of my life. The only ones who stayed are of course, my family. Because that is what family do. They stick with you even if you’re a nutcase. And that left me wondering to myself, why couldn’t I stick by my father? Instead of throwing my arms up in defeat and blaming him for fucking up the whole family, why couldn’t I just hold my breath and say,” its okay ayah, we’ll get through this”. I don’t know if ill ever reach that level of maturity. Everyday I pray to God for something that I will never own, and that has often left me with a feeling of resentment and resulted to my diminishing faith in God. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I hate who I’ve become. I am not brought up to be this ugly.

I am 22 for God’s sake. It’s about time I grow up.

kaed, i love you.

i have this itch of running around kaed while screaming at the top of my lungs.i had this itch yesterday while i was in che din's class.amazing how a concrete building can exhume so much pressure and automatically produce whatever hormones that causes depression to the students in it.

i think im even more depressed by the fact that now im eating lunch alone because nina and radhi is not in my classes, ku and sue are graduating this august, and ida is far far away from kaed.

yeah, it is amazing how one stooopid building can be the cause of your grief for today.

im happy but i hope you are too

i think this is the time for me to heave a sigh of relief as a sign of being contented with life. i have almost everything i wanted in life.im blessed with good fortunes and i praise God for bestowing me with happiness.

but i still miss you.this is normal isn't it?i won't look back.but i do think about you.i hope you are well.

my eating experience

yesterday i ate a kfc chicken chop meal in 5 minutes. and i literally finished eveything (because i was late for a movie)

the other day when my dad sent me to uia, i have already eaten my lunch when i was suddenly overcome by a sudden craving for chocolate sundae (i blame mcd for having hundreds of cawangan and the hot weather). so when my dad stopped by at the melati mcd, they just HAD to tell me that the sundae machine rosak..and what was i supposed to do?you cant go out of mcd empt handed right?you just HAVE to buy something!so i did.i bought french fries..even if it was only 20 minutes before i had my lunch.

today,i ate my usual nasi+ayam goreng+sambal belacan.okay..i was already back to my normal digestion pattern..when "suddenly", ida just HAD to take us to mancongkam..and what the hell was i supposed to do?i couldnt just sit there and do nothing!nobody goes to mancongkam and do nothing!i had to eat!..so yeah..to put it easier,i have finished 2 plates of rice with chicken in no less than an hour apart from each meal.

i dont know what the hell is wrong with my stomach these days.but im not really keen on seeing the syaza who gained 20 kgs.f**************

i dont know why i did it..but i did

i may not have the exact answer everyone was expecting. but i do know that i am happy.yes..i dreamt about him once in a while, and soemtimes the void i felt for him would resurface after being deleted from my body system.it happens.memories cannot be erased..unless you have alzheimer of something.

i dont know if it matters to anyone that i am happy now.i am eating well (even taking some kailan once in a while) and i am healthy.

im glad i have friends who wish the best for me.the ones who stick by me whatever my decision is.thank you.

goodbye first love

i fell in love.and that is a crime.because ive hurt the second most important person in my life.i am flawed.

i have always loved you.you were my soul, the reason why i woke up smiling each morning.you came close to perfect.

your laugh,your touch, your smile.they are magical.they could still make my heart flip.

it kills me to do this to you.but i couldnt lie to myself.and you.you deserve to be happy.i love you.always will.

be happy rahime.

the beginning of the end..

i am in need of something to hold on to.because i dont even know if what i believe in before this will work this out the way i want to.

you will never forgive me for this.but this is something i have to do on my own.i will not hear your voices anymore.i will hear mine for a change.

i hope you will be happy in the future.

waiting

i wanted so badly to believe what you told me.each day the belief diminish, until what is left is only a tinge of hope that what you said might come true.

i dont know if i can wait anymore.

accreditation

had the chance to bitch about the lecturers..but didnt...

damn..i missed the cue!

*but i guess that wouldve been ungrateful,seeing that i have become a learned person, as compared to myself 3 years ago.

night out for lala

4 girls of different backgorund, personalities and lifestyle.
somehow shares a strong bond that is just to difficult to describe in words.

and a flat tyre.

thanks girls.you guys really made my day :)

from the play "how i learned to drive"

the other day i watched a play about an 11 year old girl who was sexually abused by her uncle. he loved her too much, and she actually accepted it in a sort of twisted way...Pravin(Ashaari's friend) said it takes two to tango..in this play maybe, but in real life, that's just plain bullshit. little girls arent even aware of their sexual attraction until they get boobs and menstruate.and it is kinda sad that things like these do happen in reality.

i was a victim.so many times.i wanted to put a blank page everytime i came around to this chapter of my life.but i couldnt.because it did happen.and there was no way i could erase it.i kept thinking that if i voiced out, others will get hurt by it.and it was a painful lesson to learn that i cant please everyone, because in the end, i had to pay the price.

lesson learned.keeping your mouth shut is definitely not the best idea.

sad phase should be replaced soon

i dont want to cry anymore
i want to stop crying
crying are for babies

she needs to know this

syaza needs to grow up.she needs to know that she should stop blaming everyone else for her unhappiness.she needs to know that life does not wait for cowards like her.she should stop hoping for things that will never come true.

maybe this is the time for you to fade away.

your deal

i dont think i will ever fit into the qualifications you've ste upon me.sometimes it hurts knowing that you will never be happy with who i am.sometimes the question of whether if this is worth the wait crept in, but it usually is overcome by my belief that our fate is indeed intertwined.

i guess im having a hard time accepting the fact that is shoved into my face.you will never be happy with me.

what??

beats me to know what you're thinking.im not a freaking psychic.

batting cage day

day out with no definite location in mind.wandering aimlessly and finally to the batting cage.

i bruised my finger, had an aching back for days, and i guess i actually had fun hitting the balls :)

one night encounter

Yesterday i couldnt stop looking at his face.afraid that if i turned away he would vanish.i held his hands for as long as i could.his smile, the way his face lights up when he laughs, it was just the same as i remembered.

i dont know if you know this, but you could still make my heart flip, even after 2 years down the road.i love you.

im still at the office

im still at the office, and i have learn something up to this point.i have toiled with the stupid microsoft word for two days straight, and im yearning to go back home.

i have learnt that patience is indeed the biggest weapon, and holding yourself from being angry shows how courageous you are actually.

so you can imagine how many times ive cursed the computer loud enough until the whole office konws that i think the pc is fucked up. haha.this is one of the moments in my life that i will never forget. :)

i think ill miss the office when i leave next month. but then, i wouldnt want to continue working here. oh no.i dont want to turn into a walking zombie.

sudden realization

after spending a night of love-hate relationship with microsoft word and my ultra-slow pc, im glad that im also at the end of the road for this editing thing.i dont think i can look at any editing tasks without puking, seriously.id rather help them bind the whole bloody 30 reports than edit ever again.i mean for now.

ive suffered through severe breakdown because of a stupid editing task, and i realized that i dont really handle stress that well.this sudden realization has somehow stirred a long-fought battle of me and hating myself.

i dont know how im supposed to overcome this.but i have to.because i think its causing my future prospect of becoming successful.

the normal weekend

owhkay....my nite out at cenfad didnt really turn out the way i wanted to. i didnt really had that much fun, and the outcome has left me even more confused and frustrated.

so..there goes my mission to socialise..humph.anyways....the weekend was great.the whole family celebrated adik's birthday.they didnt even know it was their birthday. when i took them out to buy chocolates (the only thing i could afford at the moment), they were brimming with joy, that i almost cried, because i couldnt give them a better gift at the moment.

auntie ana and pak onn came, abang adik and family came, and so did kak aya and anti ani.i was happy that they came to wish my sisters happy birthday.i dont think any other family could be more supportive than this.mama made her famous karipap and a few other kuihs.it was a great night.

on wesak day, kori came over and we hung out at ou..although it was almost close to kutu rayau, the both of us, i was pretty happy that i once had a normal weekend hanging out at the mall doing nothing and munching pretzels.

there goes my weekend.now im currently at the office.boohoo...haha.submission is tomorrow.better go before my boss catches me blogging.ciao.

my rusty social skills

after reading my past entries, ive realized how bad my english is..was..aiyeh.see.i cant even get the proper tense correct.i need help.

anyway..right now im at the office..haha.big surprise..its 1.30 in the morning,and i cant believe that my eyes are still wide awake.today is falique's birthday..happy birthday yo!!i wonder if he managed to get home in time for his family meal..but then he has already swallowed a medium spicy chicken mcdeluxe meal as an "alas perut.

anyhoots....tomorrow im going to cenfad..where there's this graphic cum fashion show is going to be held.its been awhile since ive socialised outside my usual circle.im actually kinda nervous since im pretty sure my social skills have gotten a bit rusty, and falique and man are the only people i know who will be there.and they will come with their OTHER friends.i was actually a bit reluctant but then, since man insisted,i had to say yes, and since i badly need to socialise because my social sims bar is decreasing each day,why not?

so,here's to syaza and her attempt to socialise again.GOOD LUCK.

hate to admit this

im going to miss this firm when ive finished my practical.im not sure if they'll remember me after 5 years from now.but i will.

haih.

aiyah...sue ni kan...

eyh..sue ni kan..now i feel obligated seeing my other mates have done it.

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
i did.now. not anymore.
2. Do you eat without brushing your teeth?
yes..hehe...sometimes..(i know im gross)
3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
anywhere but malaysia
4. If you had only 1 wish, what would you wish for?
that my father will be successful one day.i hate seeing him being tired of life.
5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
umm...im not really sure about this.is this supposed to be related to all that scientific shit?
6. Do you like being who you are today?
surprisingly, yes. :)
7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
buy my family a house that my mom have always dream of,a car for my dad,for myself,bawak my family pg holiday,and then go study in uk.
8. If you could change your name, what would it be?
syaza the great
9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
haha..im not sure.tgk keadaan la.
10. Would you swim in a vat of chocolate?
mestilah!!!siap buat backstroke lg.but then melted chocolate wouldve been too thick.maybe later id drown in it.
11. Do you love yourself more than you love others?
No.
12. Which do you prefer from your other half? hug? or a kiss?
aiyoh...i like both.no preferences.im greedy i know,but its not hard to actually do both.why choose?
13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
id rather they tell me in a discreet manner..not upfront kinda thing,that wouldve bruised my ego.
14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
L.o.v.e
15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
owh yes.if only i have the money.
16. What kind of electronic device/gadget you own that you like most?
Handphone
17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
my constant paranoia of the creature from the other-world,me being too self-concious about myself.i need to be confident and proud of who i am.
18. What makes you feel disappointed?
when you're being too hopeful of certain things,that you're too confident it'll come true.im hopelessly hopeful.
19. If given a chance, do you want to see your future?
haha..im not sure if i can handle it.
20. What would you do when your secret is being found out?
muke akan menjadi merah..and stutter..and trying to act all cool...(but that wouldve been futile since im such a bad liar)

Who I tag: sape-sape yang tak buat lagi.

four stinkin' people

our eyes were red,and we were already doused with extreme tiredness. we hadnt bathed since yesterday, and we didnt even brush our teeth.

we decided to go to pyramid.

to the workers at Zen cafe, sorry if we have given you the gift of wonderful odours.and we also apologise if we have almost made you faint just by talking to us, and smelling our 'lovely breath'.

p/s:we'll come by some other day all clean up just to show you that we dont practice this on our own willingness.

that day

that day he came with a smile that melted (is there such word?hahaha) my heart.somehow i have forgotten how long i haven't actually experience this feeling, like a lovesick teenager, bursting with happiness and giddiness.

ive to admit that i will always miss that closeness which i can only taste once a month now. but this has also made me appreciate our relationship more.being more grateful that his love for me is even more visible than before, how he held on to his promise that he'll be back once a month, even if its just to spend a day with me.

thank you b.

the meaningful trip

yesterday night my girlfriends (sue,kuhaz and radhi) came all the way from gombak.although it wasnt even close to 2 hours,but the dinner at the mamak near to my office was worth it :)

i cant remember the last time i laughed like i did last night.and after the meeting, i was left with such a happy and loved feeling that i wished i could do it everyday.it sure put a smile to my already downtrodden mood (i had to stay back again last night).

i recalled how nina,radi and ida came all the way from pj to gombak for my khatam (even my boyfriend at that time which was arif, didnt show up).i recalled how alif came to kelana jaya all the way from usj just to take me out for a drink at syed's which is only a 5 minutes walk from mama's house.and the time when khairun and sab came to my house in bangi when we first moved just for a meal using the public transport (we were only 16, and it was actually beyond words that they 'sanggup' to take the public transport at all in the first place).

these trips made by friends reminds you of how lucky you are.sometimes i dont think i actually deserve this.but i am grateful to be blessed with these memories, which not many people are given the chance to experience it.

you deserve to be happy

i waited for this to be over soon.but it didnt.it kept going on and on like a music played to frequently on the radio that you wished it would stop now,only it didnt,it became more frequent until you feel like throwing up.only in this case,its not throwing up.its how you have to manage not to hang yourself because at this moment of time, life is just too disappointing and too much to bear.

you dont want to hold it.nor do you want the whole world to know.so what you do is to blog like what im doing right now.of course,life shouldn't be blamed for all the disappointments you are currently undergoing, because that would just mean that you're a freaking loser.

this is when you make the decision to be more than life has to offer.so what if you are not rich like the rest of the people around you.that shouldnt make you feel like you're not as high and mighty as they are.because you deserve to be happy as much as the rest of the human beings are.

i watched the pursuit of happyness.i think everyone should watch it.it really moved me.it made me realize that even if im encountering a very huge loophole at the moment,that shouldnt make me feel like im not better than the others.

my home

i've somehow found a spot that i can call my comfort zone.though i dont really think that i actually have one before this.not even at home.i mean..where is home?now home is not referred to the physical structure that you have been assigned to a room that you can decorate or you can invite your friends over.my home i where my family is, my home is where my friends are, my home is where faize is.

i think that has somehow made me stronger.cynical.of course.you cant really run away from that,it is bound to happen.but it has molded me into someone i never thought i could be 7 years ago.

yesterday i dreamt of my old home in subang.i didnt want to wake up.that aching feeling re-surfaced after it was stored away collecting dust.it wasnt the first time i dreamt of that house.it haas somehow unable to entangle itself from my memories.as if it wants me to remember it always.i never knew a house can be such a haunting ....i dont know..i couldnt find the right word at the moment.

im sorry i had to leave you.it wasnt my choice.but just so you know, ive always thought about you.but i think i need to move on now.i cannot stay here, in this confined box in this head of mine that keeps on whispering to me that this is all a dream.a dream does not go on for 7 years,a dream wouldnt have been able to hurt you.this is the reality.and now you are the dream that ive been living in all these years.good bye 53,ss19/5B.i will always love you.

the results are out!!!!

my results are quite okay...despite the fact that i failed research method... :( anyways..thank god i still managed to maintain my 3 point cg..fuuhhhh~ thank god for tourism and english.

yesterday i went home early.the first time since i started this practical training..at 6.30..woohoo!!!a record!!(boleh la balik awal since big boss takde.haha)balik awal pun tak gune, because after realizing that an inconvient truth is only premiering the next night and not the fated day in which i came home early..i swithced on my laptop and continue doing the master plan pokli (this urban designer in my office.he's really cool) gave to me earlier. *im such a geek.no.a skema.no.a dork.

i feel like having choco top.but no one wants to go to mcd with me. :( *padahal ofis dekat giler dgn mcd.jalan sendiri la woih!

random rants

yesterday i went to klcc with radhi.a breath of social relationship has somehow lighten up my dampen mood. thank you radhi :) even if we didnt really do anything..haha...

today the exam results will be out..and i am almost on the verge of freaking out.note the almost.

i dont know if you're allowed to be confused in what you want to do after you graduate...because you're supposed to know by this time around.unfortunately,im still confused.practical training has changed my perceptions on the wonders of being in the working scene.

i miss my boyfriend.i miss home.and i miss my friends.

working again...

i think im starting to get used to this...working i mean..

the working scenario

working for almost 2 weeks got me to thinking the real deal when you're actually working.do you get excited waking up everyday ready to embrace the new tasks and workloads awaiting you at the office?are you willing to commit yourself to the life of not having any time for your social needs and you have come down to the reality that your office mates are all you have?

do you go back home everyday to realize that you havent sat down and have a proper meal with your family the whole week you're working?by the time you managed to make it to the house, the other members are already tucked in their bed?

where is that spirit to look forward to a new and exciting day ahead?where is that zest when the commercial area where you're office is situated is the only area you managed to get around before going back to the office after lunch.

i never knew office life could be so...mundane.almost unbearable u to a certain extent.

work so far...

now i hardly come home on time.last week maybe i was actually given the chance to leave the office early, but this week..oh my god..the others look as if they were going to spit in my face if i do clock my time out at 6.tapi diorang balik takpe..aiyoh..dont understand la this ofis..

finally i have my own pc..its quite nice to have my own space.i hate being in the way of others..aiyeh...cant wait for this to be over.

work bebeh

right now im at the ofice stealing some time to blog because ive just finished a heritage building plan using adobe illustrator.wuiyoh...syaza learned a new software.its not so bad.haha.

the office where im currently undergoing my practical training is not so bad.the people are friendly and i am actually enjoying myself.haha

the life right now is not so bad.maybe ill hate it later on.but right now i feel great because now i know what it feels like to be in a working life. :)

my boyfriend-the arsenal freak

My boyfriend is an Arsenal freak. He thinks it’s the greatest football club in the whole world, and the entire human population should actually acknowledge this fact. He even went the extra length of not talking to me for 5 minutes (which, mind you, is quite difficult for him) when I made fun of Arsene Wenger, as Arsene ‘Wanker’. (Pun intended). few nights back, arsenal lost to Chelsea by 1 goal. Owh, how devastated my boyfriend was. And when I told him it could be because of the jinx I cast upon the team because he ended our nightly conversation just to catch the game, he quickly put down the phone and refused to answer it again! Well, that took quite some skills to actually “pujuk” him. :) Despite his emotional outbursts over his football club, he is quite a levelheaded person when it’s not concerning football. Owh boys. What would we do without you?

you came

You came, at the time when I really needed you. You came and made me feel special all over again. You made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I know I should thank sue and kuhaz for ‘anyone else but you’, but this song is for you. We’ve been through a lot, I had the choice to end it, especially when you went away, but as nina told me, I chose to stay and suffer with you. I know I don’t love every moment of it, but these are one of those exceptional moments that made the wait worthwhile. :)

p/s: I love you

the room and my thoughts

There were many moments when I chose to shut myself from embracing reality and dream about the wildest imaginations full of hopeful wishes. The room, be it at my house, or the college, would become my sanctuary from everything. It is the only space where I feel at ease, where I felt welcomed. Without the judgmental stare, the need to smile even when you don’t feel like it. The room accepted me when I was unhappy, when I needed to cry.
There were moments of imagining being somewhere else, but the room will always follow me. I will always have that space to be who I really am. The weak syaza, the sloppy syaza, the dorky syaza, and whatever other me’s I can be. The room never judges. It is a bit sad to confine in a form of man-made structure rather than having a real being to be my sanctuary. I don’t think im like nina. I have difficulties in showing my true emotions. I don’t even know my emotions.

I wonder if my parents know who I really am. I wonder if faize knows who I really am. I wonder if my friends know who I am.

I've waited for my moment to grow out of this, grow out of the “shut -my- self- out-from-the-whole-world-and-daydream” phase. i need to embrace reality. I need to realize that the people around me are hurt by my doings.

The room will never understand what I am going through right now. It just sits there and listen. It does not comprehend why im crying because I feel useless.

People are hurt when I feel that way. I don’t even know why. I didn’t say that they’re useless. Im depressed because I FEEL USELESS. Not them. This is too weird to swallow in right now. I need to rest.

letting go of this

Letting go of the past is difficult. Letting go of what was a part of you is difficult. It’s similar to voluntarily cutting your own limb. but the past is what shapes us to be what we are now. being a human without a past is actually a sad thing. But to reminisce on my pasts would only make me even sadder, sad about things that are close to the heart. I’m egoistic. I do not like the idea of remembering when that person does not feel the need to remember me as well. And that has always been my drive to move on with life, as long as it takes me. You are my past. And I will let you go. Eventually.

fuhhh

after 4 hours trying to decipher the overall depth of the Cost-Benefit Analysis...finally....ive finished it!!!thanks to the stupid IRR.which was no easy feat.

hopefully what i did is betul-la...hopefully the things i read in the net for reference are not hocus-pocus or something.

anyways...today will be the last day of hard work...academically.now the dinner....aiyoyoh..but at least now im rest assured that my grades wont be a big fat egg..at least there'd be something...hehe

this friday

i am currently at KAED...HAHA.can u believe it?im in kaed at 1.30 am!

well...im in the postgraduate lab right now.we had to stay up to finish our tourism report.which has to be submitted on wednesday.aiyeh...keje keje keje.

anyway..another big news is that the agd is still on this friday.we're going to be one hell of a team if we manage to pull it off this friday.with only 3 days to do the job...well...i think even donald trump would want to hire us if we manage to pull it off on by the 21st.and adding to the stress..this week is portfolio's week.shit...

good luck to us.and may god bless us all.

the end is near...

last night i had dinner with sue.might be the last dinner ill have with her at nz.we were talking about what will happen once all of us go our different ways.

i was actually scared that we could come to the point where we dont really care what happens in each other's life, such as i dont really care if ur going to get married, and to whom.

that got me thinking about the fact that as much as i hate uia,im really going to miss it when ive finished.the oppressive atmosphere,the hustle and bustle of students late to cleass (me included). my room, which is my temporary sanctuary.haih.

life passes on pretty fast right now.im not sure if everyone else notice it.but im actually scared that i wont be able to savour my memories before its gone.

time to grow up yoh

kak bad.congratulations!dah kawin dah die.haha.

i think it's time for me to grow up.i need to face the reality instead of being ensonced in my own comfort world that i created and face my demons.

sometimes i feel like slapping myself for being such a spoilt wuss.i feel sorry for my parents for having a deranged,spoilt bitch as their eldest.

syaza,life is not a bed of roses anymore.dont wait around waiting for your desires to fal on your lap.work for it la!i bet god doesnt want to grant my wishes because he knows ill be even more spoilt than before.i think ive finally gotten my wake up call.shit....scary...

buang mase

ni i amik from radhi..

Introduction
First Name - Nur Syaza bt. Mohd Zubir
Nickname -zazu, chaja (only my aunt calls me that)
Name you wish you had - ive never had a problem with my name :)
What do people normally mistake your name as -im always annoyed when people spell my name as Shaza.
Birthday - 29 september 1986
Birthplace - hospital pantai, kuala lumpur
Time of Birth - ntahla
Single or taken - taken
Zodiac sign - libra

Your Appearance
How tall are you - 5′ i think..
Wish you were taller - owh yeah.definitely
Eye color - brown
Eye color you want - green
Natural Hair color - jet black
Current Hair color - jet black
Short or long hair - long.my hair looks horrible when its cut short
Curly, Straight, Wavy - wavy.aih..
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair - last year.when the chinese lady potong my hair making me look like some damn harajuku melayu
Do you wear make-up - yes
Ever had hair extensions - aiyah..where to put??on top of my tudung isit?
Paint your nails - no.

In the opposite gender
What color eyes - dark brown
What color hair - black
Shy or Outgoing - outgoing.yes.definitely.
Looks or personality - both.haha.(cant help being a bit shallow can you?)
Sexy or Cute - ahaha..macam pelik je nak jawab...
Serious or Fun - both.i need a rock and the sunshine.
Older or Younger than you -older
A turn on - wah...private and confidential ;)
A turn off - lack of general knowledge, close-minded, stupid, shallow (a whole lot shallower than i am, i mean), and many many more.

This or that
Flowers or Chocolate - both! but chocolates are a MUST!
Pepsi or Coke - dont really drink them as much as radhi does.but coke i guess.
Relationship or One night stand - realtionship.duh.
School or Work - i hate both.can i just be a slacker and travel the world?
Love or Money - both!
Movies or Music - aih..this is a tough one...
Country or City - both!
Sunny or Rainy days - both!
Friends or Family - both
*sume both, baik takyah letak je this section*

Have you ever
Wish you were a prince/princess - no.ive always wanted to be a superhero with superpowers.i wanted to be a ninja
Liked someone who was taken - hm...no.i dont think so.
Shaved your head - wahaha...i wish!
Been in love - yep.
Used chopsticks - yes. but tu pun nak makan lala, atas tunjuk ajar ayam
Sang in the mirror to yourself - hell yeah.im really good with that. (siap buat macam style video clip)

Favorites
Flower - roses.any colour would do :)
Candy - marshmallow!
Song - stay away-the honorary title
Color - blue
Movie - banyak sgt.bowfinger is one of 'em
Singer - ni pun banyak
Word - babi.shit.aiyoh
Junk food - chocolates....
Website - um..google...*poyo habis
Lotion - mane2 pun.currently using st.ives intensive healing
Animal - cats.though i wished i could bela a tupai or a koala bear
Ever cried over someone - yes
Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself - yes.
Do you think you’re attractive - haha..thats a trick question rite?
If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose - none?owh!maybe hansel and gretel.they get to eat the candy house :)
Do you play any sports - i swim.once a month.does that count?

III The rules:- Link to your tagger and post these rules.List (8) random facts about yourself and tag (8) people.

1)i talk to myself
2)i like the smell of petrol
3)i daydream a lot to the extent that sometimes i almost believe in it
4)i like watching nat.geo,history,and discovery channel, much to the chagrin of my other family members yang nak tgk ria,sports and etc.
5)i play make believe and barbie dolls until i was fourteen
6)i like eating nestum on its own, i.e. without milk
7)i hate orang2 yang pentingkan darjat and kekayaan.im not an ass kisser
8)im a penakut.but im actually brave in certain things. *like radhi told me once, im always game for anything

the weekend

with the work assigned to me safely in areque`s laptop, i was off to meet you.god..its been 3 weeks now eh?almost a month..

we watched the movies.we ate at old town.we walked around window shopping (or i did..hahaha).and we took the train.

it felt like the old times.i wish this will never grow old with you.i hope we can always do this everytime you come back home.hoepfully ill be able to offer much more memorable moments the next time you come back.lala perhaps?i hope that indian dude hasnt forgotten us.

p/s:riding the bus,snuggling to you and eventually falling asleep while those two nepalese guys yakking like the whole bus understood nepalese was worth the 3 weeks wait. :)

summary of everything

well...i passed my jpj test!!yippee!!!hahaha

anyways..this week is really a shitty one.just had my quiz.and i think im not really nailing it.aiyah..but the weekend before was worth it :) even if i had to face a load of shitty work..but yeah... :)

thank you for coming.its been awhile since i feel this way.i miss the closeness.love you.

is uia what it is supposed to be?

the very idea of creating uia in the first place was to create a platform for the muslim to thrive in the latest knowledge and technology. the idea of educating students in an islamic environment is indeed an ideal and perfect condition of producing students of high quality as well as high ethics and values.

sadly,this is not the real scenario pertaining uia.though the rules and regulations are made to exemplify the close to perfect being, the results rae not quite what they are expecting. people, are full of flaws. people, make mistakes.

the lecturers are supposed to be the model muslim teacher are exhibiting the mentality and personality of a 'kampung' person. the students?big,labuh tudung,wearing the 'kopiah'?are they islamic enough?is cutting queues and driving like a madman islamic for you?is backbiting and discriminating others islamic for you?the staffs?well,lets not get to that shall we?

the current uia now has deviate from the main and sole purpose why it was built.why is this happening?why are the students deprived from its right to have a healthy and productive learning envrionment instead of being shoved outdated lectures and close-minded perceptions of the lecturers.sudents need to be given the space to find themselves, and be able to express their ideas without being condemned and persecuted.i think, uia has failed from its original course.

superstar

if i want to be a superstar..i have to have straight teeth, zero tummy, zero cellulite, and the perfect attitude.

i think id rather be me. at least i still have people who'd stick by me :D haha

haiyoh haiyoh haiyoh

im not sure if the other uni kids are going through what we are now, but the workload is gila man...

at least ive completed my research proposal, found an advisor for my project paper, secured a place for practical training, and about to go for my jpj test.

JPJ TEST??WTF...im scared shitless la..i hate the bukit.bukit sux.

i cant wait for you to come back home :)

not so unhappy anymore

wow.sue.u made my day. :) thank you for the blogpost.

i admit that i succumbed to work pressure.campuslife, as we all know it, is a one BIG crappy thing that we will cherish forever. but right now,im not really going into that cherish art just yet.maybe in 10 years time.

nina came by and hug.nina's really good with hugging.somehow when she did that,your problems feel like a puny chore you can handle,when the fact that its like a life-threatening thing.

i am amazed by how little things can lift you up.i should be out there more often.instead of moping around like a zombie.

today.i will finish my research proposal with flair.tomorrow,you will see me as your UN/national geographic girl ;) im starting to believe that it is possible.i do have the right to be something big,even if i wasnt much of an achiever like "you". i have all the love and suport i need to push forward.do you?owh..i "bet" you do. *smirks* (note: this is an issue i had waaaayyy back.in case anybody thinks this is about them.there's a possibility its not)

unhappiness

i cant stop blogging about about my unhappiness because yeah, im unhappy.sorry guys.but hey,how am i supposed to channel my unhappiness?

these sickening moments really do come often nowadays.im not really sure what instigated it, but it happens frequently.currently i feel like killing the lecturer that is putting me through hell for making me feel like a fucking idiot and forcing me to complete the assignment that i dont have any idea how to do it.i am fucking lost.and my grades are going to be as low as ever.sometimes being friends with top students really do have its downside.(im not saying i dont like being friends with you guys,but right now im just hating myself for being so stupid)

why am i not doing the assignment right now?because i have been trying to write it down and et i am unable to do it.i cant think of anything.i hate uia.no.i should hate myself for not being able to do the assignment.

im unhappy.i dont know who to turn to.i called you and you didnt answer.do you know im unhappy rite now?do you know im hating this distance right now?i hate you.do you know that?i cant stand this anymore.i think i might go bonkers with all these bullshit.i never know that studying can be such a crappy thing.

the utopian campus life

sara mentioned the other day that it's nearly the end of the semester already.i was quite stunned to hear that because it only seemed like a week ago that i just moved into the room for 2nd semester.

as the end of semester draws near, quite a lot of frustrating emotions were swirling in my 'ead.it is the fact that i have yet to achieve my perfect campus life. you know, enjoying every moment being in the uni?reading under the tree, meeting new people everyday,joining in interesting clubs and societies, and all that shitty things they portray in the freaking tv.its not real!!!i cant believe i've been duped.

lecturers being open-minded and classes as interesting as a freaking broadway play,you dressing really casually enjoying an interactive and informative debate about the current world issues with your classmate...well...there're all LIES!!!

which reminds us all ladies and gentlemen,the media..is evil.the end.

good byes are never easy

i cried when you drove off. im such a wimp.

i know you'll be worried about me.i am a 'budak kecik' after all. :) but i'll be fine. there's nothing i can't handle. :)

i'll wait for you.here.my days here are numbered anyways.i'm beginning to miss you.i hate this

this gratitudeness dont come that often

I think ive been pretty lucky in life. I have supportive parents and a great family as a whole. I have an incredible boyfriend, great friends, and my studies are not so bad. I don’t even know why im so depressed and disappointed with life at times. I admit that sometimes I go overboard and get carried away about the fact that my life is not that fulfilling in terms of monetary, but nevertheless, I don’t think im up to the point that I have to scrimp for food everyday. So I think im pretty good right now. Yes, maybe I don’t have a car, nor had enough money to go for the switchfoot concert, but hey, im still pretty good rite?

I still have killer clothes, my shoes, and bags are well taken care of, so what’s the fuss? I should stay this way more often.

Being depressed is not such a sunny expression. It’s not good for my image. Hah!

death and many other wishes

ive lost count on how many times i wish i were dead.the other day i almost got hit by a car, and the feeling was undescribable.wishing for death is not a normal thing, but yet, so many people have wished for it countless of times.

im not sure why i want to die, but maybe its because i think my existence in life is not required.or maybe because i think im a burden to the people around me.but nevertheless, opting for death is such a cowardly .....way out.

why do people want death?its so...menakutkan.being all alone in the grave,nothing but your amal to keep you company,given if you have any.i think ive been brainwashed by the media,about how there is no life after death,thus,death seems like a sweeter option in order to escape the cruelty of life.i solely blame U.S for this.

i think i need to re-evaluate my life.*i know ive said this hundreds of times* i need to go away for awile and come back as a new person that loves the way she is and the way God has provided for her.i need this.i think i need help.i think i need a friend.*im so lost here*

bad bad mood

i hate it when im in a foul mood.i think its best for me to go away.away from the others, and away from civilization.because i think i know why people vandalizes things,because they have this surpressed anger, and the closest satisfaction you can get, and to stop you from going amuk and kill people, is to kick the lockers that are next to your class, or to kick the tables and chairs in your class.

there are a lot of reasons why you're in a bad mood.but im not going to jot everything down right now because i dont think anybody is interested in listening.this sux.

anyway,if only there isnt that stupid quiz about safe city.id probably be in my room dwelling in my unhappiness instead of having to do it here in this stupid kaed building,

Dear God

i think i have a problem with being grateful for what i have.i blame my environment while i was in subang for turning me into a materialistic b**ch.i think god is angry with me.thats why He cut off the strap of my favourite polka dot dress.

i think i should learn the art of gratitudeness.i should be grateful for what i have, and not resentful over what i dont have.sometimes i pity my parents for raising such a "bongok" kid like me.but i assure you that i will take care of my parents when they get old.not to forget my sisters.

i think the reason why God doesnt want to give me a car is because He knows i am not meant for it.i can drive.everyone knows i can drive.but maybe if i have a car,my condition will definitely get worse than it is now.24 hours outing, lotsa travelling to johor, and maybe..lesser time spent at home *im so jahat sometimes*. but dear God,i really want to take my sisters out for a movie, and go shopping with my mum.i really want to drive my sisters to school and back.

and God, i'd really like to have a house.i really wish my family can have a house of our own.i hope my sisters will have a better life than they have now.i really hope my mum will have her dream garden and her dream kitchen.i hope i can help designing my sisters bedroom.

so dear God,please consider my wishes.i will try to be good if i have a car.no "joli2" or clubbing, because ive already sworn not to go to any clubs anymore.remember?so please God.i know you're listening :)

blessings and in between

i used to be in this group of friends. though they were great friends, and they mean well most of the time, but i was never really happy.i was not really sure about what,but mostly it has a lot to do with my self-esteem.

we drifted apart, and found new friends, and recently i read a post from one of them, about how she enjoyed the weekend they spent together, this circle which i used to associate myself with, but now, not so.it used to hurt knowing that i was subtly excluded, but then again, maybe it was due to me "membawa diri".

i was spiteful and angry for awhile, but now, not so.ive become more comfortable to be honest about myself and ive found friends, and though they are not what people call perfect, but i am happy most of the time.

to the subangians, take care and i wish you all the best.thank you for being my friends during the "remaja" days.

me and my self-esteem

i think i flunked my research method quiz.i think ive just dug a hole to bury myself alive.xcept.you cant actuallybury yourself alive, you need people to masukkan the tanah into your grave from atas and all..okay..im crapping right now.maybe its because of all that stress just now.

id like to think i have friends.i do.but you cant really read what goes through the heads of your chums.see..i have a problem.and i think i need to re-evaluate how i see myself and how i perceive myself to people.i have a really low self-esteem when it comes to hanging out with my buds.im not really sure why.just that conciousness is really starting to bug me."im not pretty enough to hang out with these people", "im not rich enough to hang out with all these people", "im not 'uptown' enough to hang out with all these people". i think if the 5 girls are reading this while im around, i'll pretty much get that 'luku kepale' thing.

but yeah..i cant lie to myself.cewah.so dramatic.but what to do oso.anyways.ive got chop2.i have another quiz that awaits my death.

tentang seseorang

im supposed to be studying since i have a kick-ass quiz tomorrow morning,but yeah..here i am blogging away..

rejection is never easy.all these while you're thinking everything is dandy, the next thing you know, you're reading a cleo article and suddenly you realized that what you thought was okay was actually the other way around.then only you could describe the uneasiness that you've felt all these while.then only things have started to explain themselves.

i dont think im fit for your world.i know you're trying to tell me all these while, but hey, sometimes ignorance is actually more soothing than the truth.thank you for spelling it out for me.okay.you dont need me there.you never did.but why didnt you say so??this is really frustrating.i wished id know sooner so that i wont waste my time caring.caring is an awfully tedious job when it comes to you.do you knw that?

i dont need to make the effort anymore,oh thank god.its so mentally and physically demanding.so listen,i actually get it.times change.so this is our changing phase.im letting you go now.im really letting you go.you are no more a part of me than i am a part of yours.

i used to love you.now i dont know why i did.

everyone's leaving

im starting to get really frustrated with this bloody broadband.i cant believe the service is so stooopiddddddd......

ive been spending a lot of of my time with my girlfriends and my boyfriend.maybe because of the very reason that they are leaving..soon...i cant really imagine my campus life without sue and kuhaz.and without ayam.i feel sick in my stomach already.i hate this

they're like my rock.my emotion stabilizers.how in the world am i going to go through life hereee..in this stoopid campus without my rocks????

it used to be a really petty subject.but as the date looms closer than only suddenly you realize that nothing last forever.

oh god.sappy shit.god.my boyfriend is leaving soon...soon!like less than a month!!!!i hate this...and sue and kuhaz..two months!!!!i hate this!!!!

random thoughts

i havent started on my community service yet.50 hours tercangak kat library tu!god..anyway, right now i am focusing on trying to find a place for practical training.i really hope i'll be able to get in AJC.please.please.please.

as you grow older,the less you see of your friends.i dont know why..but that is a hakikat.i guess so.you spend most of your times with the ones closest to you at that moment of your life, though you still cherish the times you had with your childhood buddies and your schoolmates, the fact that everyone has already a definite course of life scares me.because i think that is what is happening to me.

i am hoping that by the time i get married, there will be people coming to my wedding.it would be really awful if there's only 5 people present.

takot hantoo

I admit. I am a scaredy-cat. I am scared of ghosts..(it doesn’t sound so scary when you said ghosts as compared to hantu, hantu is scarier) anyway, put, my studiomate told me about the time she saw a hantu pochong when she came back late from the studio. She was alone at that time, which was 3 a.m. when she saw a white tall figure moving from the back of a tree, few yards from her. God Help her, she muttered, when her eyes snapped back at the same spot, the figure came closer, and the next thing she knows, she was running towards her room, and engulfed by high fever the next day.
You see, fear of these things are very much instilled in everyone. Maybe except for Radhi and Kuhaz. Because they apparently do not think that hantu is a scary being. And the reason why sometimes only we can see these things is because they can smell the fear, and.. umm…how to explain it in English? It sounded so funny when I translated it into English from bm. This is supposedly a ghost story, its not meant to be funny. Anyway…these hantus can appear right in front of your eyes only..its because, once they know that you takut kat diorang, they will try to find this lubang ketakutan, and later on, they appear only in your eyes, and not other people who are maybe not as scared as you.
I am such a coward that I was brushing my teeth alone in the toilet when I remembered put’s story, I dashed to my room and recover a sleep-dishelved looking sara as my companion before I carry on with the rest of my business. Why..why..is this happening? what the hell is wring with me??

hijab or no hijab?

I don’t know what is up with my head lately. My ‘confusion’ on the state of my headdress…to wear or not to wear. For starters, I am re-thinking about my status as a hijab-wearing girl becauussee…I don’t think I am worthy of a hijab, hijab signifies the commitment you have undertaken to become a good, law-abiding muslim, my behavior however speaks otherwise. And if I don’t wear hijab, my mum will be out to get me, my mother, the vicious disciplinarian. Another reason why I don’t think im ready for a hijab, I don’t want to wear it because I’m scared of my mum, I want to wear it because I am afraid of God.
Anyway, I have to admit, the feeling of not wearing hijab is almost liberating. Almost. And sad to say this, I must say, I am more noticeable among the opposite sex when I am not wearing the hijab. Though it is rather off-putting at times, I actually enjoy the extra attention I received. I know..wicked wicked me. Oh.. god…how am I ever going to be a good muslim if the idea of wearing the hijab is actually a burden to me? I hate feeling so ungrateful and ‘bongkak’. Life is only a temporary stop-over. Shit,I am so going to get it from Him.

i am scared

february is getting closer and i am trying my best to grasp all the time i have left to be with you.after this,nothing will be the same again.

if only you know how hard it is for me right now.i will miss you.a lot.

new year.here here.

okay.i think im getting a bit old for all this countdown thing.and also the going out part.because it sucked.yesterday sucked.too many people.add that with sweat and other's b.o.ough!and the kids?i felt like smacking their heads.werent their parents aware that their kids were on a loose?drinking beer like it was the coolest thing on earth.such kampung posers.

anyway.new year brought a new meaning to my life *okay,this is just total crap actually*. but anyhow....a lot of memorable things happened.and i hope this year will be better than the last :)

p/s:im done with resolutions.bukannye ikut pun.